Cutting Off Toxic Family Members

reply to post by ButterCookie


Man, ButterCookie, I know exactly what kind of family you have. Just swap around the roles and you could be describing my family. My mother is a very toxic abuser. I severely injured myself in a fall down the stairs several months ago and it's been impacting my sight, ability to move (temporary paralysis), and much, much more. After losing half of my sight for 20 minutes one evening, I talked to my mother right away as she was depending on me to ride her to a plastic surgery appointment later on in the week to warn her that I may be medically ordered against driving (I was). She was livid because I wasn't "dependable". I told her that it was something out of my control and did what I had never thought I'd ever do. I opened up all my fears and pain to her, telling her that I was absolutely terrified about what was going on with my health. I had never done that with her in the past because she was never a person to console but I did it deliberately to force myself to see just what kind of person she actually is. She stayed silent the whole time, not a word, so that I had to ask if she was still there or had she hung up on me. She answered "yes I am and I'm angry with you because you're not dependable and you're going to blow $5000 of my money" (surgery deposit, I presume). I thanked her very, very coldly for sharing with me just what kind of a person she truly is and hung up. My dad's response (they've been divorced for nearly 30 years mind you)? "Show her just how dependable you can be!!!" and the rest of the usual rigamarole.

"Blood is thicker than water." "You've only got one mother. Do you really want a life without a mother?" "You need family." or the newer variant, "Your kids need to know their grandmother". My response to my dad this time to all these remarks was this: "I've spent my life with a biological mother, who was so very toxic and against any definition of term "mother" that she cannot be defined as a "mother" in any sense of the word. She's a psychopath and that is something that I cannot change or ever hope gets fixed. My only alternative is to get her out of my life.

The "definition" of insanity is to do the same thing, over and over again, while expecting a different outcome. Well, I did that for my entire life until I started drawing lines in the sand a few years ago. Like your mother, I, too, went back to college and she wanted me to move in with her, drop out--you name it. I graduated instead so she can kiss my ***. The reason why your mother (and probably mine) doesn't want you to finish is most likely the same as what I figured mine had a problem with--they don't want us to turn out better than them. We're supposed to be failures in their book, people they can rip apart. Once I graduated, the change was remarkable. She was cautious with me until she realized that I'm severely injured. This time, however, I knew what was coming and forced it to the brink. As children, we learn to walk around like we're in a field filled with landmines because that avoids the painful reality. Problem is that doing so only serves the abusers' purpose. If you need to, deliberately step on a landmine to see reality with the wizened eyes of an adult.

It's like living in a pack of wild dogs. You don't need them. Blood is thicker than water only when that blood isn't filled with poison. You keep going to school. Defeat her by graduating. I know how hard it is to be indoctrinated like this. It's insidious. You keep going. When they protest, then know that they see a way in which you're breaking free of this crap. Let it fuel you and if you ever need an ear, feel free to message me.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


WOW.

That is insane. Our mother's sound identical. You are so very correct about them being jealous of our success, and only wanting to see us dependent. Like you, I had my mother to tell me that the only way I could move back with her (after that eviction) was if I dropped out of school and received welfare. She told me that I was being too 'uppity' and that I needed to quit 'thinking I was special'.

Good thing my children have a relative that is a substitute grandmother to them, and like a mother to me.

Family is what you make it. A group of friends can be much more healthier than 'family'.

And always remember that saying: Water is thin, and blood is thick- but too much blood can make you sick.

It rings so true.

It's probably the opposite isn't it? This thread is being used to socially reach out to those with these problems.

Originally posted by QuantumCounterfeit64
It's probably the opposite isn't it? This thread is being used to socially reach out to those with these problems.

Not sure that I understand what you are saying.

This thread is to discuss toxic family members and how we cope with them. Its to show others that they are not alone and that they are not bound by blood to take abuse.

reply to post by ButterCookie
It is your life and no one else's, and it is your right to live it as YOU see fit. I know from my own experiences that in some instances in life you have to move on for your own sanity and your physical health. The best thing I ever did was close the door and not look back. There is a saying that goes ...........................Keep On Keeping On. And that is what I do.

wow, I get what you mean about toxic family members pretty much everyone in my family is toxic on all sides and its been incredibly hard and confusing being brought up by these people and now I am faced with either letting them influence my childrens lives as there "grandparents" or to keep them cut out and be the bad guy.
honestly it perplexes me how my mother went for weeks at a time saying " mom? mom who? there's no mom here?" whenever I tried to ask for anything, and would try to convince me to move back in with her everytime I moved out , just to turn around and call me a horrible room mate because thats all she is to me. heck when I lived with her after my daughter was born I got so upset with her behavior I went looking for my own place and once I found one and only had to sign the agreement she starts continuously questioning me if this is a good idea, if I will have enough money telling me that if the buses shut down ill be all alone and played on my anxiety that she has at least partially caused with her on and off abuse. so of course I turned down the house and said I would wait another month or 2 like she said too... and later that night she starts yelling at me about how she can't wait till i move out how much she hates living with me how much she cant stand having a baby in her home ect... seriously wtf.

and thats just my nut job mother who in comparison to the rest of my family I thought was normal until I saw what real parents are supposed to behave like in the several parenting programs I have sent myself to so that I can raise my kids without allowing the way my family raised me affect them negatively.

good lord my family is a screwy bunch of criminals and ne'er-do-well's... ugh.

reply to post by 13100D


First, you will not be the 'bad parent' if you cut her out of your childrens' lives. Actually, you will be doing them a favor by not having them grow up with that dysfunctional treatment. I used to think that it was ok, as long as she is not treating the children dysfunctionally, but no...the children will see how she treats you and begin to think that is normal.

It is her way of abusing you from a distance, because she knows that you wanted her to be in your life in a normal way.

Yes, I've also been there with moving back in with 'mommie dearest', only for her to discourage me from moving out. All the while, she taunted me, abused me emotionally and verbally, and made me pay to do laundry...its like they don't want to see you escape; they need you there as the punching bag.

In these situations, most of the time, the children often have another relative to act as stand-in grandparents anyway

Wow, you made a lot of great choices there. I think what amazed me the most out of everything, besides your family's drama, was how you realized that it was okay to work hard in order to improve your life. There is often social pressure like that keeping people in the same social caste, and you did well.

I come from a middle-class family, and I graduated college in 2010. Since then, I haven't found much good work. But my friend Seth became a teacher, bought a house, and I moved in with him and pay low rent. I bought furniture on Craigslist, shop smart and spend my leftover money on permanent things like video games or books.

I am even growing a garden this year. And I think that's something :-)

Originally posted by darkbake
Wow, you made a lot of great choices there. I think what amazed me the most out of everything, besides your family's drama, was how you realized that it was okay to work hard in order to improve your life. There is often social pressure like that keeping people in the same social caste, and you did well.

I come from a middle-class family, and I graduated college in 2010. Since then, I haven't found much good work. But my friend Seth became a teacher, bought a house, and I moved in with him and pay low rent. I bought furniture on Craigslist, shop smart and spend my leftover money on permanent things like video games or books.

I am even growing a garden this year. And I think that's something :-)

Thanks!!

Very sad but true, that people of a social caste tend to want the other family members to remain in that situation. When you try to get out of it, especially through education, they resort to 'crab-like' behavior, and pull you down at all cost. Everytime you take a step forward, here they come to pullyou back...

When they call, I usually make up a lie and say I'm writing an essay for English/ Constitutional Law/ Whatevever...and say, "what's up?" They start the drama and then I quickly cut them off saying, "Ohhh...I'm not sure I even have time to discuss that; I'm writing a paper- by the way, glad you're on the phone- you can help me think of a topic for my research paper.

They quickly say, "I'm busy" and hang up.

treat them like old cars as soon as they start to faulter and need constant maintenance get rid of them worked for me never looked back sad but true

someone once said to me "your friends are the family you choose for yourself", and they couldn't have been more right. my father is much like your mother, and so is most of his repugnant family. it took a while to get to the burning bridge stage but eventually i did, .. i cut him out of mine and my 2 childrens lives around 20 years ago.. and on the rare moments that i give him a seconds thought i'm STILL glad i did.

good luck to you sweetie, hope you trounce your educational goals and show them how it's done, what a fine example to your children you are

reply to post by ButterCookie


I don't 'know' you, but I'm proud of you. The things you are doing are not easy to do, I know! I have had to distance myself from my own blood family because they were not good for my growth, but at the same time I am thankful for my experiences with them that pushed me into becoming someone better, someone different.

It's the crab in the bucket mentality. You try to get out and they try to pull you back in, but it sounds like you are already out of that bucket and they are just unhappy about it.

Keep up the good work, with your attitude and motivations you will go far!

This sounds so much like my stepdad's family. His brothers are all a bunch of losers and it was up to him to take care of everything when his mom died a couple months ago.

I know he doesn't talk to them much, but he still tries to get them jobs or help him out with the dad.

Wow, OP! I think you and I may be related! It sounds like we have the same family. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just stay away from people like that, no matter if they're related to you or not.

People like that like to try to drag other people into their own little world. Sadly, relatives are most often the most convenient targets, so that's who they go after.

reply to post by ButterCookie


Sometimes you have to break the chain of abuse. As I was reading the first part of your thread, it reminded me of my mother and the constant criticism me an my siblings grew up with. The negativity stemmed from my abusive grandfather. I had to cut-off ties with my mother for 20 years. I didn't want my children observing or becoming the target of the same constant fighting, and negativity I had to grow up with.

It's a tough thing to do, but your immediate family comes first. Don't feel guilty, you recognize the faults and the negative impact it can have on your life and your children's lives. That's extremely important! You have your own life to live, and your mother should no longer be controlling it. Sometimes children continue down the same path as their parents not realizing it sometimes a path that will lead to disaster.

I congratulate you for believing in yourself and wanting to better your life and the life of your children. Negativity only produces negativity. I see a brighter and more successful life for you. I've done it, and I would certainly do it all over again. Best wishes to you.

Originally posted by jeramie
Wow, OP! I think you and I may be related! It sounds like we have the same family. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just stay away from people like that, no matter if they're related to you or not.

People like that like to try to drag other people into their own little world. Sadly, relatives are most often the most convenient targets, so that's who they go after.

I agree.

It's as if we are their emotional (and sometimes physical) punching bag.

reply to post by 13100D


Oh you have a mother like mine. Mine, historically, has done just enough to make herself look like a candidate for mother of the year but it always, always deteriorated fast. Constant undermining to keep me under her thumb. Was pretty noxious to deal with because, on one hand, the actual "mom" type stuff makes you think that there is hope only to find out that nope, nothing has changed at all. Took me a long time to realize that her little "favors" for me were her way of making herself look good to others so she could brag about it to them. It never had anything to do with me. Found that out due to an elderly neighbor who was so shocked that my mother wasn't coming over to help and check on me despite my having a serious injury. She was under the impression that my mother was great and helpful.

From my experience, don't think that you're the bad guy for not letting your kids around their grandparents. Frankly, that's what they want to you to think. I thought the same thing, once upon a time, because she was a great grandmother to my children--until she wasn't. She started doing the same thing with my daughter that she did with me while seeming to idolize my son to just grind it into my daughter even worse. "Favorite" and "dirt" is one of her weapons on kids. Then, she even disregarded her own favoritism gig one night to the extent where my son and I ended up having to lock ourselves into my room. He begged me to call the police. The irony was that she blew up because I told her no more abuse and to back off on my daughter. So, the right choice wasn't that hard in the end to decide. I'm the good parent that decided to shield my children from a toxic family and they don't think I'm a bad guy in the slightest for it. Keep that "alternative" in mind and hang in there!

I've cut all ties with my mum.

Just a word of thought for you. No one has presented this yet. When you get good and established and they see you doing well, they will come creeping back trying to make amends. Keep a watchful eye for wolves in sheep's clothing! Like somebody winning the lottery, family comes out of the woodwork to see what they can get from you. And will be using the line "well we helped you when you were having a tough time getting started, so now you owe me". They will call you everything in the book and the situation will become even more toxic! So be ready, if you cut them out of your life a little, be ready to severe the ties completely, or risk everything you have accomplished.
Your tactic of turning conversation to positive reinforcement sending them running will only work so long. Be ready for them to up the ante. Think this through. Research and read how to effectively deal with toxic family situations. You already know how to research, you are successful and are making all the right choices for your self and your son. Keep up the good work. Develop strong loving relationships with friends and acquaintances, you never know which ones will be a true gem. Be careful with the blood relatives that show you one face and turn out to be instigators and feeders to your enemies. Blessings and lifting grace to you Buttercookie.

Hello! Been through exactly what you have. I completely removed myself from my family and moved 300 miles away - now have a very peaceful, happy, stable life with my son, my partner, his family and a new baby on the way. Life is very very good. Going "no contact" was the very best thing I could have done and after only 2 1/2 years I'm a completely changed person.

It sounds to me as though your mother and grandmother have what my mother and grandmother have...Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is an absolutely amazing website which explains it all, have a read...The day I found this website was the day everything began to change, for the better!

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com...

I'm also part of a private group on Facebook, it's so helpful and healing to have people there to talk to, who understand exactly what you've been through and how you feel.

www.facebook.com...

Wishing you so much peace, and huge hugs