I honestly don't know what to do... Not my typical thread...

reply to post by RoyBatty


this is what I'm trying to say...but I couldn't say it without my own feelings and baggage turning up...very very well spoken/typed...you don't need proof when people that don't know your relationship can see its over...through the interwebz, no less...just call her out on what you do know for a fact and state the truth, which is that those concerns alone are bothersome and unacceptable to you from someone you've been with for 7 years...Thats a really long time at your age dude. How many other people you know that can say they had a 7 year relationship while in there prime(20-30)

Originally posted by intrepid
Man have you got yourself into a pickle. You probably won't like this but you asked. This dude could be totally an innocent thing, if it is a thing at all. Lots of speculation here. A childhood friend maybe? Would she tell you? I wouldn't if I were her. It seems like your past may be coloring your present:

I was cheated on before, it sucked, it seems that history has repeated itself yet again with me.

And the snooping is the worst. If there's no trust there's no relationship. What to do? Time to cut the BS imo. Cop to the snooping, ask for forgiveness(that was a crappy thing man) and ask straight out what's going on. Honesty really is the best way to go.

In my humble opinion... and I apologize in advance intrepid, but forget that! Today we have things like HIV and Herpes around. You don't know what she may bring back to you. If she's comfortable enough to pay for a ticket to fly to see this guy, then if she slept with him she probably was comfortable enough to not use protection. Nobody goes that distance without being fully comfortable.

If you want to try to work it out, you need to communicate... PERIOD! If you can't communicate, you're doomed to begin with.

Honestly, I've been on both ends of this puzzle in my relationship... we're still together because we've broken our communication lines and learned preventive measures when times are rough. Those preventive measures come through communicating feelings to one another. If you can't do that because you're angry, or fear she will be angry then you need to either figure out how to get over that and communicate TRUTHFULLY regardless or get the stress off your back by letting it go.

Don't play around with this "he's just a friend" stuff... my wife has one male friend and she introduced me to him VERY early in our relationship. Other guys that she scarcely talked to in our troubled past we found to be a fling... even those who were old childhood friends. Same with me... although I don't have any female friends. Those that were friends stick to facebook only... and my wife is on my page more than I am. If you're committed, you need open communication... both ways... period.

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by intrepid

 

I agree, it wasn't one of my prouder moments, but when you're so consumed by the thoughts running rampant in your minds you do things without putting good thought into it. And in my case, i kinda found something, and I've kinda created the situation in my head... I told her on numerous occasions that the worst thing she could ever do to me was cheat on me. I said to her, before anything EVER happens, please break up with me. Not sure why it's so hard to do that, unless she feels trapped in a way....

Disagree wholeheartedly.... you did what any committed person should do. You protect yourself first! If she's not being faithful and being sneaky about it, she's putting your life at risk... PERIOD!

texting other guys and flirting "to make her feel better"?? RED FLAG

Shoulda snapped on her then. or interrogated her.
I think you should have said something as soon as you started becoming suspicious.

But too late now.
Even if she tells you she didn't see that guy on her business trip, it will still EAT YOU ALIVE FOREVER.
Unless of course your gullible and rather lie to yourself.

Chances are bub, that it is grim.
And eff that 7 years man. There are plenty of women out there.
Some that would stick by your side and NEVER BAT AN EYE at another man. Entiendes?

---Damn, I swear, if I caught my girl even texting some random fellow.... # would be over between us.

Originally posted by Char-Lee
reply to post by jhn7537

 

I found out by credit card charges which made no sense. I did the book keeping for our business so I had a reason to look. He lied each time I decided to ask about something but finaly I got the courage to LOOK.

This right here kills me. My wife has a reason to look at whatever she wants because I'm her husband and I gave her that right as soon as I said "I Do". There's no infidelity with money. There's no hiding. It's open communication. I chose it... she chose it. Business or not, if you're married, you should feel the same way. Eased a lot of stress off of my back these past 8 years... that's for sure. The first 4 or so where pretty rough.

Of course jhn7537 hasn't crossed that line yet. but you live and learn.

Originally posted by kaidec
Make a nice little surprise trip. You won't have to use the info if you just book a flight before her or after her, even a different starting airport or airline.. if you get there first you can play detective there. If you are wrong then no harm done. You just surprise her with flowers and if your right then you can heal, get over her and move onto something better. Yes! There is something better if she is a cheater. Not all women cheat!! I wish you the best and I hope this is all just a misunderstanding.

This isn't too bad of an idea depending on your personal character... but if you're a heated person, don't do it! If you find that she is cheating, then things may get worse. If you can find out and walk away without speaking to her or him, then you could do it.

Hi there, sorry to hear you are going through this. I just want to say a few things. First of all, instead of thinking about set ups and hiring PIs (for goodness sake), you should talk to her. I am guessing the problem is that you don't want her to make it worse by lying or telling you the truth. You're in the last bit of control now and you don't want to lose it, understandable. But you must have a desire to know the truth? Or would you rather keep the girl? Or is it taking you some time to come to terms with possibly losing a 7 yr relationship? The fact is, you two need to speak about it.
Secondly, making big decisions like renting new accomodation without telling her is not a good idea. Because you suspect her of something, now you're going around secretly doing your thing to see what her reaction would be, it's very passive aggressive and it doesn't help matters. You want to freak her out a little bit like she did you, but you're skirting round the issue.
You're now at a stage that if she WASN'T cheating (and i admit it sounds unlikely from your story), you are very much in the wrong, and you are a bit of a snoop because of your own paranoia. Why don't people just talk to eachother? What are you afraid of?

Originally posted by Bleeeeep
reply to post by jhn7537

 

If she is talking to any guys other than family, looooong time friend, or a coworker, then her heart isn't in the relationship, and you need to end it. Also, that no snooping bull, is just that, bull. You should be close enough to be able to take a dump, while she sits on your lap looking through your wallet, and vice versa. If not, you aren't close enough. (This part also applies to the friend/coworker thing. You should be able to ask her about any relationship and all it's details, if she has a long time guy friend then he should also be you long time guy friend. If she gets upset when you ask about any relationship - dump her. You would answer her questions right? That too needy or too snoopy thing is bull. If you can't be needy or snoopy to one another then it's not someone you want to be with.)

GUY CODE! Seriously.

If everything you said is true, she is for sure cheating on you. Also, trust your gut, man. If you sense something wrong, then the majority of the time, something is wrong. You've touched souls with the girl - you're going to know when somethings up.

My advice is to be as nice as you can when you do break up. Let her feel like she's won so you don't have to go through all the spiteful junk, but cut ties clean. Don't be calling each other, don't be looking for no "one last time for good memories" - none of that. End it clean and go stay with your family until you get the new apartment.

That's just my advice, though; ultimately, you got to make the choices yourself, cause you're the one who has to live through it.

Exactly! This is exactly what I''m getting at! It wasn't until my wife and I realized that we should open up, confidently talk about EVERYTHING with each other, and not consider ANYTHING snooping that we were able to truly gain honesty and trust with each other. Before it was money being hidden, then we started with this flirting BS that you have, then we both did some wrong at different times, and we got sick of it. So we talked and said... look, tell me how you feel, what do you want, how can we make it better. At the time, we couldn't answer, so we said, lets keep this mentality and move forward. Next thing I know we're sharing personal thoughts and talking through things... making what would have become an issue go away before it even happens.

reply to post by looming


As of now, I've filled out an application and was approved, I have 72 hours to accept it... If anything, I would lose the application fee, but I haven't committed to an apartment yet...

Originally posted by Atom12
Dating for 7 years??? Hmmmm. Any reason for such a long dating period and no engagement or marriage?

Probably a good thing he didn't. Do you really think a ring 2 years ago would have stopped this? In my experience... it didn't.

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by looming

 

As of now, I've filled out an application and was approved, I have 72 hours to accept it... If anything, I would lose the application fee, but I haven't committed to an apartment yet...

Then it looks like you have 71 hours to talk to her about all of this. Good luck, my friend.

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by looming

 

As of now, I've filled out an application and was approved, I have 72 hours to accept it... If anything, I would lose the application fee, but I haven't committed to an apartment yet...

you should tell her about the move before accepting it. you need to deal with this problem, don't you? talk to her and tell her how you feel and face whatever she throws back at you. good luck. but sort it out, don't let it fester in your head.

Ouch... I am feeling your pain, literally. I am sorry you are going through this.
I was also wondering why you haven't yet married or had children after 7 yrs. Maybe her body clock is ticking away!!

It sounds to me like she is cheating. It also sounds like to me, you needed a few days to acknowledge the reality. Your life may be about to change drastically.

I say rip the bandage off quickly. Don't wait, don't scheme, don't catch her in the act, she has already been caught. Don't sit here on ATS for a week putting it off. Do it and do it now....get it over with so you can start living the rest of your life.

Tell her you love her and because of that, you are letting her go. Then quietly grab your keys and walk out the door telling her you will be back later. Go for a drive, or a friends house for example. Give her some time to calm down because she will be hysterical. YOU must STAY CALM!!!

Once you get back home she will either still be there or have left. If she leaves then you know it is over. If she is still there, it may be because she has rethought her actions and realizes how much she loves you and she may then come clean. This relationship may be saved...you never know.

((((((hugs))))))

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by looming

 

As of now, I've filled out an application and was approved, I have 72 hours to accept it... If anything, I would lose the application fee, but I haven't committed to an apartment yet...

As long as you hope your right I guess. If your wrong about her and she needed some breathing space, you could be throwing out your jewels with the garbage.

I would just stfu about it and go down and see with your own eyes what is going on.

Then when your wrong about her, you can start strategist how your going to make this up to her. Woman hate not being trusted if they are trustworthy, and have done nothing wrong. And on the flip side she will be upset if she is caught doing this to you.

If you love her, I would rather she be angry at me for not trusting her than her being angry at me for catching her.

One can be fixed, the other can not.

reply to post by jhn7537


Book your own trip, rent a car and catch her arriving at the guys house. Get your definitive answer.

The hardest thing I ever did was to catch my (now ex) wife cheating on me.

reply to post by lnfideI


I like the way you think......It is possible she did need some breathing room you are right, but only a mile from where that guy lives? IDK. If that fact wasn't there I would say she was probably innocent but the flags are really screaming to me. I only know because I have been guilty myself..... I have also been cheated on.........relationships suck sometimes. If he were to fly out there, that would mean waiting how long letting this eat him up inside. And if he does catch her in the act, it could be a scenario that could end in violence

To the OP. Follow your heart and intuition, all we can do is give advice based on our own experience. We are not in your shoes....

To be blunt mate, she's cheating..

Been there, done that and to an outsider it's obvious, I think it's obvious to you also. Sadly it wont go away, her mind is made up and that is that.

Get yourself organised and get out with your sanity and dignity.

Greatest of luck my friend, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

Originally posted by Starwise
reply to post by lnfideI

 

I like the way you think......It is possible she did need some breathing room you are right, but only a mile from where that guy lives? IDK. If that fact wasn't there I would say she was probably innocent but the flags are really screaming to me. I only know because I have been guilty myself.....

I have also been cheated on.........relationships suck sometimes. If he were to fly out there, that would mean waiting how long letting this eat him up inside. And if he does catch her in the act, it could be a scenario that could end in violence

To the OP. Follow your heart and intuition, all we can do is give advice based on our own experience. We are not in your shoes....

Yes, but the OP is basing that info off of the Internet, and we all know how that can go awry.

This could be a mistake in logistics and coincidences. I would ALWAYS want to give the benefit of the doubt, but look into it myself. But man O man, you do this to a woman who is innocent, there is a going to be massive problems right there right now.

Starwise is wise, and is 100% right, only YOU the OP know what is best in this situation, and NONE of us know the events that have led up to this.

I just hope your right when you pull that trigger. You will feel very bad, very long if you do this to a innocent woman.

I sure am not advocating any type of violence.

But catching her red handed (if she is indeed cheating) is priceless. To catch a thief or a cheat is a good feeling, even when it sucks.

There's a 95% chance they are boning.Prepare to keep moving on, lifes a journey.

Part of the pain comes from the feeling of being out of control, so I would suggest taking control of your life...

You know inside what is happening, take control.

This is what I did, so when she lied and cheated I had an inward laugh, I knew what was happening so all her lies and deceit just made me laugh whilst I made plans to get the hell out.


Just a side thought, if you don't mind snooping, have you tried key-logging software on the computer? (just make sure it's in stealth mode) I used this and found all her conversations with her fancy guy... not entirely moral I guess but hey.. neither is cheating.