I honestly don't know what to do... Not my typical thread...

Originally posted by TriForce
reply to post by Hefficide

 

I think you are probably trying to make decisions that she's already made for you. My ex kept me around during her courtship with the guy she left me for - lying to me the entire time

Yep, I too know from experience... They arent going to completely severe ties with person A (you) , until their minds are completely made up to be with person B and they know that they can secure a future with person B.
They dont wanna be caught holding the bag, with no place to live.

Or in my case he did not want to lose me. He wanted all of us. Some people are greedy.

I honestly appreciate all the responses so far. A lot of the ATS community has much more experience than me, in life, in relationships, etc. and it's always great to get the insight from people who've lived a little longer than I have. Your responses honestly mean a lot. And I will speak to her tonight... Dreading the conversation, but its overdue...

If this may help at all here I want to add about the credit card charges, it may well be entirely innocent and nothing to it at all.

While in trucking, I often personally charged company and truck expenses because reimbursement was a whole lot less hassle than pre-approval and legit charges never got challenged. They could argue hardness with a rock before the money was spent though. I did the same again when handling my Father's probate. I had a lot of traveling and other things which expensed out of the Estate...but with headaches at times. So, pay first and simply take reimbursement to proven costs became easier on the bigger things than trying to justify what I didn't have receipts and spent money for yet.

Your gut may be right on those specific things... or it could very well be nothing at all. I'd certainly say talk it out and start with an open mind, IMO.

Originally posted by intrepid
Man have you got yourself into a pickle. You probably won't like this but you asked. This dude could be totally an innocent thing, if it is a thing at all. Lots of speculation here. A childhood friend maybe? Would she tell you? I wouldn't if I were her. It seems like your past may be coloring your present:

I was cheated on before, it sucked, it seems that history has repeated itself yet again with me.

And the snooping is the worst. If there's no trust there's no relationship. What to do? Time to cut the BS imo. Cop to the snooping, ask for forgiveness(that was a crappy thing man) and ask straight out what's going on. Honesty really is the best way to go.

Trust goes both ways here. You claim it's ok for the GF to do things without informing her SO, yet you feel the OP was wrong for not trusting. The GF must have trust that the OP would understand her having a friendship, if that's all it is, especially considering the length of their relationship. And to that end, in seven years, it's a good bet the OP would know who his SOs significant friends are.

I want to add op, that credit card bill was left behind for a reason. It may have been Freudian in error, but it was there for you to see, none the less. People do feel guilt even when they know they're doing the wrong thing.

Originally posted by Bilk22
Trust goes both ways here. You claim it's ok for the GF to do things without informing her SO, yet you feel the OP was wrong for not trusting. The GF must have trust that the OP would understand her having a friendship, if that's all it is, especially considering the length of their relationship. And to that end, in seven years, it's a good bet the OP would know who his SOs significant friends are.

The truth is that he doesn't know ANYTHING at this point. It's mere speculation and imagination. Not something you want to piss away 7 years on. Get the facts, then IF there's something there make a decision.

You are never the same again when you have been lied to successfully this way, trust is always out of reach. Why don't you go on the next trip with her to that town even if you call in sick to work? See if she LOVES the idea...I doubt it myself...sorry.

That's a great idea

I do have to take issue with you on the trust thing though.

My ex broke my heart, I ended being an alcoholic for years, I would drink and come onto ATS,(thanks guys you were my rock in my time of self doubt) and a poker site I used to play on.

I was so far down, I did the internet dating thing quite successfully and never trusted a single one of the women I met, never let one into my heart.

Then out of the blue an old flame got in touch with me (my first affair) it was all yeah I'm happy at first but then the truth came out, she was in an abusive relationship, I was miserably lonely etc. She decided to get divorced (a massive deal for her catholic family) when it was revealed that I was back in touch I was turned into the devil incarnate. But I offered her a no strings attached bed in my flat if she wished to clear her head away from the family (I live in the UK she was in South Africa).

Long story short, we are now happily married and loving life, and each other.

And I am favourite son-in-law

I trust my wife with our money, our everything and my very soul and am ecstatic that I can.

Trust is not unattainable after a bad relationship. But it is what it is and you have to learn to trust again. It's old but true. Trust is earned not taken but you have be able to make that first baby step again.

Ironically. Trust me on this it might be that baby step.

I hope you find trust again, it is a wondrous thing.

Cody

reply to post by intrepid

Well getting the truth may not be a simple ordeal. She may say what she either thinks he wants to hear or she doesn't want to divulge the truth because she then must admit she's a cheater. Talk is cheap. She can say anything without it costing a thing. It's cliche, but actions speak much louder.

If I were the OP, at this point, it would take something more than her just saying "you're imagining it." My bet is she'll turn the table on him and say he's distrustful and use it to justify her actions.

Make a nice little surprise trip. You won't have to use the info if you just book a flight before her or after her, even a different starting airport or airline.. if you get there first you can play detective there. If you are wrong then no harm done. You just surprise her with flowers and if your right then you can heal, get over her and move onto something better. Yes! There is something better if she is a cheater. Not all women cheat!! I wish you the best and I hope this is all just a misunderstanding.

reply to post by Bilk22


Well, maybe some could say I've overreacted, but I just applied to an apartment closer to my work office and I'm moving out on April 23rd... She has zero clue about this and I could have it out with her or I could just leave and she will be stuck with knowing what she did... The last thing I want is to approach her about this and her just keep lying to me.

reply to post by jhn7537


This thread makes perfect sence, and she is likely cheating, and I'm sorry.... After all the years you have been together you deserved better, break-ups are painful enough when someone is honest, but to lie on top of it says alot about a person's character.

I have mixed feelings about "snooping"....at this point in time, I would say if your to the point you have to resort to "snooping" to find out the truth, it's probably over anyways. However I really understand why we do it, and I found out about my BF cheating by snooping....I asked him directly when I "felt" something wasn't right, we were together a long time, and I knew him well, I knew he was lying.

You will have to confront her, and one of three things will probably happen.

1. She will come clean, beg for forgiveness, you two try and pick up the pieces, but nothing will be the same....the trust is gone...very few people can really get past this, not sure if you could?

2. She will come clean, tell you the truth, and you two break-up....she will pursue her new love interest, probably will regret it, you will be heartbroken, lol, and by the time you feel better and start to move on, she will want you back! Always happens that way.......

3. She will be angry and defensive cause she got "busted" and shift the blame to you and avoid the actual facts, she'll storm off, you guys still end up breaking up, but she will deny you the "closure" people need when they have been lied to and cheated on.

Not a great outcome in any senario, if she chooses anything like option 3, Thank your lucky stars you didn't marry this girl. You guys were young when you got together, your both still young, maybe she just lacks the maturity to end your relationship before beginning another one, still not very nice or fair, but if she gives you ANY sh*t at this point and doesn't do everything in her power to make this better for you, your well rid of her.

My advice, lol, not that I pulled it off.....I went balistic.....but if I had to go through it again I would play it way more cool then I did then, I hope anyways.....avoid the "pathetic" zone, at least in front of them. Don't lie to your family about what's happening , I did the same thing cause I didn't want them to "hate" him...and to this day have kept certain details vague.

Good Luck....this is not going to be fun for you I'm afraid......but it will get better.......I promise.....

Originally posted by Bilk22
reply to post by intrepid

 

Well getting the truth may not be a simple ordeal. She may say what she either thinks he wants to hear or she doesn't want to divulge the truth because she then must admit she's a cheater. Talk is cheap. She can say anything without it costing a thing. It's cliche, but actions speak much louder.

What actions? As far as anyone knows right now there's no actions that are noteworthy, except the OP's snooping, which he copped to. Good man.

If I were the OP, at this point, it would take something more than her just saying "you're imagining it." My bet is she'll turn the table on him and say he's distrustful and use it to justify her actions.

And for all he knows she could be right. This isn't a teen crush here. This is a long term relationship. If it's going to go down it better be because there's something wrong. Not just perception and past happenings to other members. Yes, I had my times with that too. Irrelevant imo.

reply to post by MountainLaurel


Yea it's never good being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel like this situation is similar to a band-aid, do i slowly pull it off causing more pain or do I rip it off quickly where it will hurt, but the pain goes away quicker... I hate that it came to this after 7 years. I dont want to say the time was wasted, because we shared MANY great moments, but it's never fun when one person is committed and the other is .......

Like Heffi, and countless others, been there, and have a T - shirt. Married or not, it is called the seven yr itch for a reason. Women tend to get itchy,and the respective men in their lives wind up scratchy for it in the end. Ouch.

Oh, I didn't ask either - my intuition told me enough, then I caught them red handed. Just by luck if you can call it that.

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by Bilk22

 

Well, maybe some could say I've overreacted, but I just applied to an apartment closer to my work office and I'm moving out on April 23rd... She has zero clue about this and I could have it out with her or I could just leave and she will be stuck with knowing what she did... The last thing I want is to approach her about this and her just keep lying to me.

The only thing I can suggest, knowing this information, is to sit and talk with her. Tell her you plans on moving closer to work, but then talk to her about your relationship and what she would like to do moving forward. Maybe you don't need to bring up the idea that you think you may have discovered things from "snooping". Maybe she'll reveal where she's coming from and/or you'll get a better idea of her interest in either moving forward or in different directions.

All in all, it's difficult. Just stay strong. Another cliche - things happen for a reason. Trust that what ever happens, it for the best.

reply to post by Bilk22



You're a good man, Bilk22, and you have great insight. Thank you!

7 yrs that's a toughie....

But OP you were too lenient at the start.... flirting is okay? that's how it starts.

I don't know how often you guys talk to each other but if i or my girlfriend is leaving for anything(including business related) we give each other heads up.

What i usually tell my girlfriend is that, you can look until your eye are content, but it stops there. and we have the same deal, i can look at other girls too, and it stops there.

If a girl (or guy) gets in their mind that their partner is "allowing" them to do certain things, they will have no fear pushing the boundaries.

Even tho im not you, i would lean toward the idea she maybe cheating....but accusing that is very dangerous unless you are so sure... especially when she knows you are "nice" and the parents already see you guys like a married couple, she has you to fall back too if nothing works out.

Ill never like being played. I remember telling my friends that (while my girl friend was around) "if you feel like cheating, just break up"

Anyway that was my opinion.

reply to post by jhn7537


Yeah rip that band-aide off as quick as possible...it sounds like the "universe" has already given you a big hint with this new apt. , tonight will be a big turning point in both your lives and your relationship....yikes...take a breath....

BTW, I don't know that I think looking at a credit card statement of the person you share a home and finances with is really "snooping", and you know she outright lied and said she ALWAYS uses her Co. card for business trips, then buying the booze....it doesn't look good.....

I did agree with Mike, even if she's totally wrong, and what you and many of us here think is happening is true....breaking someone's heart is painful, she obviously Loved you and probably still does...if she is honest and humble tonight , try and forgive her, trust me, you will heal faster too......again if I had to go through this nightmare again, I would like to think I would handle it with more "class".......

reply to post by jhn7537

I feel we learn a lot in retrospect. When we're going thru something it's difficult to remove our emotions from it and it clouds thinking. It's certainly not an easy task to sort thru what is driving the emotions which are generally uncontrollable. We're not Klingons. Everything is involved with human emotion, from ego ( how can she do this to me, I love her) to the insecurity of the unknown (will I ever meet someone again and feel the same love).

The only advice I can give from experience is don't let it get the better of you. Stay above the fray and don't say or do anything you might regret later or make you hold yourself in less regard. Tribulations of the heart are some of the most powerful and least understood. They've caused wars and nations to fall.

A bit of time apart may help you, and yes you are who you should be most concerned with at this point, some time to sort thru your thoughts and emotions. My experience is when this becomes necessary, then the relationship wasn't working and obviously that took both of you to participate in.

I'm going to be 53 soon. I think I'm fairly successful in life, the measures being loyal friends, loving family and business success. I'm probably loyal to a fault and like to trust in the better of people rather then the worst. I've had quite a few "meaningful" relationships in my life so far. Been married once. Thought I was going to marry someone only a few short years ago. In any breakup, things were difficult for me. I don't know how the other person handled it. However, in every case, the other person contacted me after the fact, sometimes years later. Yet no matter how bad I felt after the breakup, when that time arrived where they called, my feelings had changed and I realized it was their problem and not mine, for I would still have been with them, were it my choice. But then I think, man maybe they let me off of their hook as I would have been with the wrong person if they were able to do that to me then.

My ex wife called me two years ago to apologize to me for getting divorced after having no contact for years. I had to ask her to repeat it because I thought I was hearing things. This happened five years after our divorce. Can you believe that? I almost couldn't. We're actually involved in each others life again, yet we don't have any children together, something which would normally require interaction after the fact. I don't think it's either of our intention to remarry, but I think we both have learned more about one another and have more respect for each other now than before and we enjoy one another's company.

Jhn, good luck and remember, keep cool and hold your own cards close to your vest. It's a shame we sometimes must play the game, but people and circumstances sometimes require that. I've learned the hard way that looking vulnerable and speaking your emotions either empowers the other person or instills some guilt they end up resenting you for. It's a lose lose situation.

Hello OP, I have some advice for you for your predicament, firstly I know this is hard but she has been having an emotional affair on you, she admitted she flirts....she's flirting with other men because you're not making her feel wanted. Emotional affairs tend to be physical and since this has been building up she has been testing the waters with other men while being in a relationship with you.


Now the typical reaction will be jealousy, she will use this against you and her volume will go up because she's being defensive, this will lead to more fights and more problems.

Being hurt is another one, feeling betrayed might lead to anger or it could lead to revenge, you might start looking for someone else also.

Trying to stop someone from being unfaithful is a hard lesson, the lesson is to nurture them and make them realize that they aren't looking or wanting anyone else.


You can confront her, but confronting the man first and getting all the facts straight helps, be upfront and be honest with the man if you choose to talk to him first. Chances are he will tell you everything if you approach him honestly.

If she notices that you're seemingly interested in someone else , you could make her so jealous that she refocuses strictly on you, honestly it's a mental thing, if you walk around thinking ' what crazy woman would ever cheat on this prime man meat" you won't have as much anxiety and partners pick up on this also.
Whenever my woman gets out of hand I let her know real quick, I keep half my belongings bagged up so I can leave in a heartbeat.

* i wouldn't but keeping someone on a precepice of potential loss WILL garner attention, nothing is more precious then when you're about to lose it

Do not let her have this power over you, it's time for you to make the mental resolution to move on, you're young just don't come off as desperate and you'll find someone 10x better than your cheating whore of a stupid ex who is too much of a jerk to work through problems.



Whenever someone confides in different person it means they feel as though they can't share personal things with you, somewhere along the line of this relationship it grew stagnant and you guys grew apart. You didn't see this, you thought everything was going great but a little boring, right?



As for what I would do personally....I heard I'm easy on the eyes and fun in the sack....there's easily someone else that can be their stunt double....


28 is young enough to start again or at least to focus on you and your life again instead of someone elses. Look man, this chick was only holding you back, you're going to be way better off without her. She's just another dumb human scumbag who doesn't know the word honor that only cares for self perservation and uses stupid logic to rationalize her actions as your fault.



I apoligize if my words come out a little schiz, I really want to pour my experiences and heart out to you but I can feel the hurt in your typed words.....please try not to self destruct...take a vacation solo instead....


Do not look at time invested and think of it as a waste, you've learned a lot in those past 7 years, this will serve you in finding a true relationship with a true partner in every sence of word. Never for 1 second consider this a loss of 7 years, you were not in prison, you were still living life, you have grown and you have learned.

Originally posted by cody599
Although it's sneaky if you want the truth ask her boss about the trips seems obvious to me. If he says no then ask her and you will know if she was lying to you.

NO!!! Absolutely not. Do NOT involve work. Keep out of her work life. You have no right to contact her boss. If her boss actually said anything to you HE could get in trouble. That's a boundary that cannot be crossed.