I may have no other choice...

reply to post by operation mindcrime


Lol, you are correct about there being two sides to every story. However, your version of her side of the story is not correct. We were in fact walking away from the counter after getting her contacts when she mentioned that she needed laundry detergent. I simply responded by asking if she would like to get it at WalMart since we were there. The reason I asked is because our original plan was to purchase a bucket of detergent from Costco, which was on our way home.

I understand that women are just women, that's to be expected as us men are just men too. This situation however is very volatile and I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my relationship. It seems no matter how hard I try to keep the peace or go beyond what I feel is expected of me in our relationship, that it is not good enough, or that I am doing it wrong and should know better. It often becomes demeaning and rude, false pre-accusations are made... I get blamed for stuff before I even have a chance to do it. Im told that im a horrible person and that I am not happy with her. Its as if there is no trust... And that sucks...

reply to post by forall2see


It was just an example of how a story can have two sides. The thing that puzzles me is how everybody is so quick with their advise. Every counselor I know would like to hear both sides....

There have been times where I would have sworn my wife had some kind of mental instability for the way she reacted to me. Most of the time it turned out to be a temporary issue which usually had something to do with me not giving her the attention/love she deserves.

Anyway, I hope you can resolve your issues but I wouldn't depend too much on the advise of some total strangers on the Internet, no matter how much they say they deny ignorance....

Peace

Originally posted by operation mindcrime
reply to post by forall2see

 

It was just an example of how a story can have two sides. The thing that puzzles me is how everybody is so quick with their advise. Every counselor I know would like to hear both sides....

There have been times where I would have sworn my wife had some kind of mental instability for the way she reacted to me. Most of the time it turned out to be a temporary issue which usually had something to do with me not giving her the attention/love she deserves.

Anyway, I hope you can resolve your issues but I wouldn't depend too much on the advise of some total strangers on the Internet, no matter how much they say they deny ignorance....

Peace

edit on 23-1-2013 by operation mindcrime because: (no reason given)

I agree. And I appreciate your stance. The whole point of my making this into a topic was to gather some experience from others that may have dealt with what I am going through, and to possibly shed some light on resolving the matter. Hoping to gather some experience, strength and hope towards building a more stable relationship.

My ex wife was the same way.
3 kids and 16 years of child support later, take my advise.

GET OUT NOW!

It won't get better.
Couples counseling will not help since she does not realize she is acting abnormally. It was always me who was wrong. I didn't this or I did that.
She has gone through a couple of additional husbands and a few boy friends since. The only common denominator has been her.

Since the divorce I have gone through a few other wack jobs of women. Learning from each.
One reached mid 30's with never being married and no kids. Avoid this type. Cannot accept demands of children.
One was a consumate liar. Good looking and willing in the sack. But cross checking her stories wore me down.
One wouldn't look directly at a person. SHe looked over their/my shoulder.

Finally I found one who was sweet. Her ex cheated on her. She makes me a better person. I feel bad when I am unable to help due to other commitments.
The smallest of things I do for her she never forgets (the good way). I helped her at a craft show for 2.5 hours just making sure no one was stealing while she was turned during the busy part of the day. Now she is insisting I help again next year. I didn't do much of anything. Talk to the ladies. Unbox some glasses. Now I'm the best help she has ever had. Go figure!
There are good ones out there.

Originally posted by forall2see

Originally posted by scotsdavy1

Originally posted by forall2see
reply to post by scotsdavy1

 

No... This happens all the time. Menstrual stuff has no real connection here.

Maybe you should take some time out as you don't live together which might be a blessing in disguise. You don't have the worry of splitting the house up etc and you both have your own children. This might be affecting yours as well as yourself and you can't be happy so I would give he some space for a while and see how it goes....

I have been doing that all week so far. I have also kept in touch to ask how her day is going, etc. I seem to be the only one initiating any conversation though, which is interesting because now im being labeled (rightfully so) as distant and therefore I must not care.

Time is a great healer and i think for your sanity you must get out of this relationship if you are not happy as you don't seem to be or else you wouldn't have asked for it on here.
It's easy to say hear but harder to do. If you seem to dread seeing her on go about on tip toes then it is not worth it.
Hope it works out for you in the end....

reply to post by forall2see


Firstly, she was never assessed by a professional, and secondly, I'm sure she knows the relationship is on the rocks and this, of course, will foster resentment both ways.

Originally posted by forall2see
reply to post by resoe26

 

We do not have any children together, thankfully. We also do not live together, however she keeps sending me links to Craigslist rentals. I can't live with that type of person though.... In which case, why should I continue the relationship if I already know that it's a dead end?

You just answered your question right here.
Its a dead end and you cant see yourself living with this type.
YOU cant change anyone and from what youve said, she doesnt see her own problems. You may have feelings for her, but they arent returned if someone can treat you this way. Being in a loving relationship isnt like youre describing yours. Im not claiming a loving relationship is perfect and a utopia of bliss.. but it sure as hell isnt being treated the way she is treating you AND in front of children.

Im older and have experienced some things. I dont expect everyone to agree, but sometimes you just have to say " Yes, I care for this person and I recognize that Im not equipped to deal with it... nor do I have the inclination to be a punching bag until they decide to see their own problems". Does that make me bad? Maybe, but Im no saint nor a martyr.. and life is entirely too damned short to allow others to make you miserable with no end in sight. I hope you can understand youre not expected to be a saint or martyr either! Id love to see you happy and your child in a good and loving environment.

Originally posted by operation mindcrime
reply to post by forall2see

 

It was just an example of how a story can have two sides. The thing that puzzles me is how everybody is so quick with their advise. Every counselor I know would like to hear both sides....

We're not counselors nor are we confined to be politically correct and hear the "other side." In my experience counselors get paid by the hour--highly. It's in their best interests to string this thing out to "make it work," which begs the question. Do you want to? I'm sure OP could find a counselor if he wanted to. He's obviously been through this before. This thread is not that and I give the OP the presence of mind to know the difference. But because this thread is not officially "counseling" is no reason to dismiss it. Counseling is NOT the pinnacle of solving relationship issues. IMO, counseling prolongs them. We have a collective wisdom here of having gone through many relationships, come out the other side, and analyzed what went wrong. You don't need a Masters in Psychology (a dubious degree) to do this.

The thing is, this isn't just about you. It's about your kid, who is learning how to form relationships through your example. You haven't talked about that impact, but it is there. You have to ask yourself, do you want this woman as your kid's step mom? What about disciplinary issues? Will she be yelling at him over laundry detergent? I absolutely guarantee you this will become a huge issue if you stay together. I've seen it many times, including with myself and my kid and my kids and their kids. Their mental health is at stake here. Your kid has already endured a split of some sort.

OP use our advice if you can. If not, don't waste our time.

reply to post by schuyler


Yeah you're probably right....

The thing is, this isn't just about you. It's about your kid, who is learning how to form relationships through your example

When things get hard, leave.

Peace

P.S.
Break up while she's on her period.
It will prevent mind games on her part and mental anguish on yours.

Originally posted by samkent
P.S.
Break up while she's on her period.
It will prevent mind games on her part and mental anguish on yours.

Yikes! I dunno. Seems like it might create more issues.

Listen, forgive me as I'm not trying to hijack the thread because I think this issue is pertient. My view to a break up is to make it quick and clean. No long explanations. No talking it through. No back and forth for days, weeks, even months. No late night phone calls. No just one more chance. Just cold turkey, a simple generic explanation. Sorry. Bye. Done. No more contact. Breaking up is kind of like ripping off an adhesive bandage. You can do it slowly, pulling out one hair at a time, or you can get a good grip and let 'er rip!

While I wouldn't have put any psychiatric labels on her, I do see your predicament.

It can only get worse.

An insincere apology that becomes an "excuse" is really irritating to some of us. I'm surprised you stood with her so far if this is a habitual cycle.

Take your own kid(s?), get out of the cycle and don't look back.

Im glad i came across this thread. As i was considering starting one about this very subject at some point. Il tell you something now my friend that will save you years of heartache. LEAVE.. Why do i say this? Because ive been there for years with my wife and its pushed me to the brink. Im not happy at all tbh, But im sacrificing my own happiness for my young sons for the time being. She is exactly the same. She goes crazy at the slightest thing, effing and blinding if this aint cooked properly. Besides working i do nearly all cooking and cleaning. Ive talked to her as has her sister, she just goes crazy. Shes got me in fights with neighbours, accused me of having affairs, says im a bad father, only a few days ago something was wrong with the car, she asked me what it was. I said im not sure. Her reply was....your fking useless. She has had depression in the past but refuses to see anyone.Im no soft touch but i have to look after my son. Its not time for me yet. But it may be for you brother. Good luck

I've got two ex-wives under my belt and they were both the same way in that regard. Short on the fuse when you can't read their mind. And no, their periods didn't have anything to do with it. They both had their redeeming qualities, but they weren't enough to offset their bad side. They were the type where when you tried to bring up a problem they would derail the conversation by bringing up your bad qualities, which I have no problem admitting to. It would always end up the same: I'm being selfish and unreasonable. If trying to keep your own peace of mind intact in what was once a loving relationship is being selfish, then..............guilty as charged. I was the one trying to "negotiate a peace treaty", yet everything was always my fault.

I'm not crying in my coffee about it, I'm just letting you know where I'm coming from when I say leave your situation. Leave, give it a bit of time and then suggest to her that she gets help with her temper. If she still refuses, stay gone. It's not worth the headache to try and help someone who doesn't feel they need it. If you're like oil and water then so be it. Admit the honeymoon is over, move on and try at least to remain friends. Trust me, your own peace of mind is more important. How your child grows up and perceives relationships is THE most important of course, which is why you need to leave something that is self destructive for everyone involved.

Don't be "that guy" who always tries to help women with their issues if they aren't willing to meet you, the teacher, on your terms. Love is a two street man, but the road you're on now is a one way dead-end.

youtu.be...

Originally posted by schuyler
My view to a break up is to make it quick and clean. No long explanations. No talking it through. No back and forth for days, weeks, even months. No late night phone calls. No just one more chance. Just cold turkey, a simple generic explanation. Sorry. Bye. Done. No more contact. Breaking up is kind of like ripping off an adhesive bandage. You can do it slowly, pulling out one hair at a time, or you can get a good grip and let 'er rip!

Thank God. Someone else who see's it my way.

If you have to explain to the ex as to why you left, then she didn't see the problem in the first place which REALLY goes to prove that you weren't on the same page.

That's my take on it.

As a woman, I have to say that two things come to mind. The first is that yes, she has some emotional disturbance and is taking it out on you.

The second thing is, she's maybe not happy in the relationship either, and she's blaming it all on you. Seems like she's thinking that perhaps, if you two move in together, somehow things will get better.

They won't.

If she calls you names, disrespects you in public, gets the kids involved with her anger towards you, then for all intents and purposes, your relationship is over.

If counseling is involved, she may feel guilty and amend her behavior in the short term, but this will not fix the basic problem.

She crosses too many lines, and shows too little respect. She also doesn't respect the children.

There is nothing to save here but the rest of your life and your sanity. Whether you stay or go is up to you, but there are too many red flags she is displaying.

I also have a degree in psychology, and have worked in mental health clinics. People like her are exceptionally hard to fix, and end up driving everybody away. It's always good in the beginning, and then the ugly side comes out. She will have to learn the hard way, on her own. I'm talking very straight-up to you, OP, not only as a student of psychology and human behavior, but as a woman.

reply to post by FissionSurplus


Thank you for your insight, FS. You are correct in stating how it always starts off well. I started noticing this behavior about 3 months into our relationship. When I look back and reflect from that day forward I see many similarities in how things play out.

The difference is that back then I had not seen nor dealt with it in any of the previous 3 relationships that I have been in. I found out quickly that trying to rationalize and discuss things only allowed her anger to escalate. After time, I went from saying things like," please try not to talk to me like that." to, simply saying I was sorry... Then... And this was probably not the best decision, allowing it to make me angry and ill admit, the fight fire with fire technique did not work either.

I have brought up my concerns plenty of times, and that backfires as well. When I speak from my perspective I get reminded of how selfish I am, along with all of the reasons why I am at fault. It seems to be a vicious circle.

It seems you both don't communicate, which further escalates an already tense situation. She says...he says. If you both really wanted to save the realtionship you'd both do something about it.

reply to post by InTheLight


Wherin lyes the issue. I have tried time and time again to communicate my concerns and continuously get shut down when the defenses kick in. I have tried several approaches from assertive to more aggressive, yet however I try, I seem to be shut down.

I know that I am not perfect by any means. I also know that this has started to root resentment from my end which in turn has caused a communication block on my end so you are correct on that. This is all very confusing and overwhelming to say the least.

reply to post by forall2see


Is she on any type of birth control? That made me super crazy for years. Since I got off it, I'm one hundred percent a better person. It doesn't always mesh well with everyone. It creates a chemical imbalance that some people cannot tolerate well. If she is, she should get off of it and wait four or five months to see a difference. If not, then move on if you are that unhappy...I wish you the best!