I screwed it all up. I need help. I am in bad shape at the moment. Need advice.

I really want to know what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I get it right for my children's sake. All I want is to be a happy family and honestly I feel we haven't figured out the right way. We have never tried counseling or anything. It just kills me that it turned out .


Hey there, there really isn't anything "wrong" with you. This is a common problem, addictions come in many forms, alcohol, drugs, sex even violence. Anything that makes you feel a certain way can be addictive, I have suffered from this on and off during my life also. I tried dealing with it myself and speaking to professional but nothing helped. I did however manage to kick my drug issue when I was 22, put myself through university for 6 years and then got a job in genetics. I struggled all this time fighting addictions (I rarely relapsed to be honest) but I would on occasion get drunk or smoke pot. Then I discovered Vipassana meditation, I went to one ten day retreat (which is free and they are world wide) and I walked out a different person. The thought of alcohol etc makes me feel sick. This has changed my life, I cannot say it will work for you but it worked for me. Also my friends you need to forgive yourself, often addictions are a result of feeling unworthy. You are very worthy! Just writing your story here tells me that.

)

reply to post by liejunkie01


It's a painful thing when a relationship ends, especially when children are involved...

Perhaps this is all about your 'relapse", and as other's have suggested may need some sort of outside help. Your the only one that can answer that question, and I wish you well........there were a few things about your OP that did strike me as odd you might want to consider.

1. She agreed to move in with you and start a family....knowing you were a heavy drinker when she was vulnerable and needed help financially.

2. Does having a pint of beer with your friends after not drinking in years make you an alcoholic? You stopped after the pint right?

3. Was your lay-off caused in anyway because of your drinking? Is the lack of communication and "bickering" between the two of you lately because she is angry you haven't found another job?

4. Is it possible now that she has lost alot of wieght, and now that your unemployeed she just wants out of the relationship? Is drinking this pint "truely" the reason she wants to end this family?

5. How come you guys never got married?

I hope these questions don't seem insensative, and I only know what you shared here, not the full history. Her story may differ from yours. Why would such a seemingly minor infraction "trigger" her to want to end your relationship? Good Luck....hope you guys can still work together to give your kids a Merry Christmas...

reply to post by Murgatroid


My brother went through an alcohol treatment program. He still had the same friends from his youth who drank and spending time with them was too much of a temptation. He went back to drinking. If you want to quit you are going to have to stay away from the temptation (being with others who are drinking). Better to avoid your drinking buddies than stay stuck in a rut.

Don't buy that alcohol won't kill you. My brother had esophageal varices that ruptured from his cirrhosis and bled to death on his kitchen floor at age 49. RIP.

If this is any help. My sister-in-law, many years dry, said that if she had one drink she knew a thousand would follow. Maybe you can see why you don't take that first drink.

Along with the rest. I encourage AA. No excuses. Everybody else there "has been there - done that", so swallow that pride and just do it.

Rooting for you.

I personally have felt that I may have a depression problem. I have friends that Arron head meds and quite frankly I feel that they seem to make it worse. I am going to see if my doctor is open Monday though. I need to do something. This completely sucks.

reply to post by liejunkie01


I would advise against anti-depressants, note one of the stated side effects is an increase in homicidal and suicidal thoughts and activities. Try going to AA meetings, but don't just go to one, go to as many as you can, go to more than one a day if you feel you're losing control. Listen to others, and talk if you feel comfortable. Maybe you can also bring your love to an Alanon meeting, it's for people who have been affected in their lives by alcoholism, whether a partner, parent, sibling, or friend. My wife was raised by an alcoholic parent as has found Alanon to be very helpful in dealing with her past problems. Most of all, know that you are not alone.

Be very careful with anti-depressants.

I don't drink I an if I want but I don't. I know how it is to have drinking problem.

My only suggestion would be to try Librium 25mg., can be had on your liver, the thing is you won't want or need that first drink.

I don't take Librium myself but did in the past, I could not even tell I was taking them except I noticed things didn't bother me like they had and I didn't need that first drink.

Really though it''s time to grow up alcohol is poison noting but, keep drinking and it will bring you nothing but bring you misery.

Share ALL of this with her in a letter, along with the way you feel about her, "the love".

Go to AA/ NA. Find a meeting today, or find out when the next one is. Find a therapist, get into therapy. This sounds like the remnants of childhood abuse or trauma, but I'm only guessing, of course I don't know what the trigger is.

I have overcome substance abuse and participating in dysfunctional relationships by going to therapy and working very hard on healing myself. I had to identify what the root cause was for me, and then I began to get better.

You are suffering, and you will continue to suffer until you can no longer tolerate the suffering - then you will commit to change - PERMANENT change. You have to genuinely want more out of life than suffering and mere survival.

My advice, get out of the relationship and let her go. You can't really be an equal partner with anyone until you can function as a person on your own, and it sounds like you have some work to do in that department.

Nothing I say or anyone else says should take the place of professional help. Seek out a therapist, and hit the meetings- they're free and easliy accessable. The AA / NA meetings will provide an immediate support network that you can tap into. You have to be committed to your own recovery.
Do it for yourself first, and for your kids second. Let your GF sort this out for herself, you aren't responsible for how she chooses to manage her feelings and coping strategies.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you get through the holidays OK.
You can private message me if you care to.

Originally posted by OOOOOO
I don't drink I an if I want but I don't. I know how it is to have drinking problem.

My only suggestion would be to try Librium 25mg., can be had on your liver, the thing is you won't want or need that first drink.

I don't take Librium myself but did in the past, I could not even tell I was taking them except I noticed things didn't bother me like they had and I didn't need that first drink.

Really though it''s time to grow up alcohol is poison noting but, keep drinking and it will bring you nothing but bring you misery.

Sorry, I have to categorically shoot this down as improper and irresponsible. You should not be giving specific suggestions about the dosages and uses of any substances or medicine at all. As far as I can tell, you're not an MD, and even if you were, you wouldn't be giving medical advice to a stranger over the internet.

I know you mean well, and I think that is an honorable thing, but you're not giving sound advice, and you're not qualified to do so. I'm not being personal, or criticising you as a human being.

This is probably against the ATS T&C anyway.

To the OP: I agree with Murgatroid's post. Please find his post on page 1 of your thread. His links are fantastic and you should begin going through them. There is a permanent fix, but there's only one permanent fix. My heart goes out to you in your situation. Don't let your family be destroyed. In fact, I pray you come through this together, stronger, and have a wedding!

28“Come to Me [Jesus], all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.30“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30

Here is a link to the "Life Recovery Bible", A Bible with helps for those battling addictions and are hurting inside. It is in the New Living Translation which is a translation meant for ease of reading. I promise that it is what you are looking for. Don't listen to any "thoughts" telling you otherwise, just try it. www.amazon.com...

May God Bless you, I don't know you but will be continuing to pray for you.
(hug)

I think the guy from South Africa early in the thread said it best. Get in touch with AA. They have the personnel with the experience. Good luck. Wanting to change is the first step. Congratulations.

reply to post by liejunkie01


I have to say my heart goes out to you. In my early 20's I went through some things no person should have to, and unfortunately I looked to drugs( T&C) prevents me from naming the drug, but I turned into a heavy intravenous user. I had money out my ass, felt like I had no place in society nor did I know how to adapt so I just went nuts with narcotics. At times I convinced myself I was punishing myself, other times I was aiming for that a lot too much but always managed to just get really messed up and never cross the line. It took me some 3 years with professional help and plenty of relapses. The last relapse cost me $22,000. Yes you read that right, how ever that left me absolutely broke. Pissed off my family, so I guess that's what they call rock bottom. I've been sober for 2 years now, not a single screw up but I have had my days where I've thought about how much easier it would be to just go back on the spoon.

The truth is, it's a lie. It's a lie you tell yourself. You think it will make you feel better to use, but it really isn't the case. It took me a long time to learn that, even with professional help. I have learned an awful lot about myself in the last 5 years. I am extremely hard on myself, even when I accomplish something worth recognition, I'm never happy with myself. I always find something to pick apart. For instance, running on the treadmill for 2 hrs. " I could have done two and a half. Why didn't you push it a little longer? " Stupid things, running for any distance with the way the world is today is amazing, and I should be proud I even get on the damn thing but I can't help but pick myself apart. It's christmas in a few days, and I'm going out again to buy more crap because I'm so hard on myself. I feel like I can never do enough. How ever, I've learned to acknowledge I'm my own problem. When you look at it like that, I suppose it goes with that whole admitting you have a problem thing.

Let me tell you this, there is nothing wrong with you. Humans make mistakes, and unfortunately we are creatures of habit. I hear it takes some 30 days to break a habit, this is sort of true. If you are like me, I used drugs from the age of 17-24. that's a long time, and it took me a total of 5 years to get sober, 3 of which had screw ups and the last 2 I've been amazing. So it took me about half as long as I used to get myself sorted. It's a daily battle, it does get easier the further you get, but I like to think of it as climbing a hill. Getting started is easy, but once you get going it always looks easier to just say # it and turn around, but it's a long slippery slope back down. It only takes one time, to get you right back where you were.

That relapse 2 years ago was exactly that. It was new years, I was hanging out with a chick and we got onto the subject of drugs and decided yeah sure I can do this just once. That one night that started out as a " Harmless" 40 bucks, turned into 240, then the next day same thing, and it steadily climbed until I burned through every penny in my account. The worst part is, I had clued into the problem and kept going until I had nothing left. I could not stop myself. Sometimes you need to reach out to others. I'm happy you have opened up to us here, and believe me I have nothing but warm words of encouragement for you. You are not stupid, you have a problem and as hard as it may seem there is hope. Don't give up, I know things are tough. Part of my set of triggers is relationships. Always has been I'm a huge sucker when it comes to women, and I have issues dealing with my emotional baggage, and relationship problems. I bottle everything up, and it's incredibly toxic for my well being.

The best advice I can give you is look for help. Family, friends, AA, Anonymous phone lines, Dr, who ever you are most comfortable with and listen. Cold turkey doesn't always work, but everyone is different. Find the resources available to you and be honest and committed. I got through my addiction with the help of 3 Dr.s Friends, family, my fiance, 2 counselors and an addiction specialist. It was and still is a whole lot of work, but man to man I can tell you it is entirely worth it, and I've never been happier. Please never give up on yourself. Irregardless of how you may feel right now, you should be putting you and your children first. YOU ARE WORTH IT! You can do this.

I had to cut off everyone I used with, or had problems relating to my issues to get to where I am, and if I had to do it again I wouldn't do it any different. Open your heart, open your mind, commit to sobriety and ask for help. If you ever need someone who will not judge you to talk to, or ask questions please feel free to PM me. Best of luck to you, I'm so sorry to hear of your rock and a hard place situation. You can get out of it though, I believe in you.

I've been sober 19 months now by the grace of God and the fellowship of AA. Im a meth head in recovery. Ive tried it all, AA and God are the only things that work. Humble yourself, get on your knees and call out to God. Then get your ass to an AA meeting. If you wont call upon God at least go to a meeting. It will only get worse. Trust me.

reply to post by liejunkie01


My coworker just lost his job to addiction...and we have very high profile jobs...in your case...i would recommend going to one of those addiction centers that are far away from where you live....like a few states over etc...

Addiction comes in many forms...from gambling, substance abuse, and even pornography. You have no choice....fix yourself. It's either that or die man. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't have a choice. Fix it.

You put alcohol ahead of your children and your life partner- then in your post you denied that you did that.
Perfect example of how alcoholism is a disease of denial. No judgement. It's just a fact. Got to AA and keep going to AA if you want to release yourself from this horrible addiction. Clean up your life, man. This is not a dress rehearsal. A psychologist can help but only when you have committed to AA.

reply to post by liejunkie01


First, ask God to help you but you MUST want help. It is obvious you can admit you went wrong. Now, Forgive yourself and ask God to give you the willpower and strength and commitment to carry on. HE will! you must BELIEVE HE will. It is a choice for you but you must do 2 important things 1: Recognize you have the problem which you have done so and 2: Ask GOD for help. Come back in a few weeks with an update.
Amen and Amen.

Great post Hijinx.

Like it seems many here have, I've had issues with addiction, too. Got to a point where I cared for nothing else, spent every dime I came across on it and then some. Tried a few times to stop and just couldn't, but this is one thing I figured out that helped me a bunch, and it kind of goes along with a bit of what hijinx said.

You have to know you're done. Forever. It's over, it's not going to happen again, not ever, no how, no way. Sounds a little silly, it's what you tell yourself already, right? I bet it's not. It's what you tell yourself most of the time, but there are those times...the hard times, where you really really just want to go use, and instead of telling yourself never, you tell yourself "maybe next weekend...if I get that far I deserve a break." Or for new years, your birthday, w/e...the reason doesn't matter. This is exactly what I always did and it took me a while to realize it. It made it so much easier. I didn't want to use, cuz that date was out there, somewhere in the future, where it would be ok, and I'd just deal with it then. It was bad...because next weekend, or new years, or my birthday would come up, and I'd use. With all the build up, pushing that stress off to another day, it was near impossible not to use when one of those days came up.

When that urge comes up, you just have to say no. Say it out loud if you have to. :man, I want a drink: "No. I don't." Something else that helped me a lot is to remember to remember the consequences of my actions. In the moment, you'll just be thinking short term, but at those times remember the bad times. Force yourself to, because those are the things that matter. I can't give examples because I don't know you, but you know what I'm talking about.

Text Greenyour post hits to the core.Im 50 this year a age i thought would never come!!! When i was 17 i went to a Grateful Dead show.15 years later "following them" now 35 i found my self broke, more habits than i could deal with and the reality of what is life realy about.So i turned to what i knew drugs, booz.Within a year i ended up in jail looking @ 4 life sentencesas i sat in my jail cell i blamed everyone but me.As life would have it the table in frount of my cell is were the bible stude group meet.After proving i wasnt going to kill any one they let me out into the day room.Enter the almighty God in my life.One year later im out of jail on 15 years of probation.Sill doing drugs and drinking.Knowing if im busted im gone for 15 years!!!You would think that alone would help me stop.....My problem i found out was i have what i call a kill switch i use every time i start to succed in life and find happenss i freak out and push this button.When i realized what i was doing i was able to change.I ask my self every day what have you changed today?Make the changes for you and your kids will see the changes in there lifes.So like i said im now 50 i have 5 kids, 4 boys 1 girl and to this day i still get hit with that old craving from the past.So my brother stay strong belive in your self and forgive!!!! Not only others but your self in times of trouble grab your kids and hold them close cry on there shoulder if you have to just hold on and you will make it..My prayers are with you... PS yes i know i cant spell and grammer sucks im working on that too

Liejunkie, 1st a recommendation, then a story, then some of my own....
First and for most, u obviously are not happy with yourself and little respect (as most have pointed out already). Once you realize you need to change yourself for YOU first (which means u need forgive yourself and learn to love yourself) is to CHANGE your login/handle! Even if i did finally start to like myself, I'd probably begin hating myself being referred to the negative way such as u are doing yourself right now. Hopefully you will find a time when liejunkie becomes ...hmmmm... truthgem? (Going for complete opposites here) :-)

Next, a short story about my best friend (I'll call her sue for now). I'm 34 too. I foundout about ten years ago my best friend Sue, her mom was an alcoholic. I was floored. But now that I think back to all the childhood sleepovers there, I now understand why she was always so mean vocally to her mom. Lot of animosity towards her when we were young and i never understood why. We'd sit her room all day (she'd litterly lock the door from her mom) and we'd tinker with magazines, talk, prank, etc. Her mom would knock on the door, 'Sue, I made you girls apple pie.' My best friend would say, "yeh, whatever, go away!" I was always shocked and would ask sue why she is so mean to mom. Sue quickly would change the subject. Life went on, and we remained friends. Explains the bloodshot eyes, but could never tell she was 'drunk'.Even to this day. But apparently she had her bad days, and i guess the family tried sending her away for help. Three times, each a failure. Last year, my friend had her first baby girl. And this year she pregnant with her 2nd (happily married). About 6th months ago, I got 'the call','. My friends dad found her 'passed out, choked on her own vomit. Her little girl will never remember who grama was. And the unborn will never meet grama. I canNOT imagine being in her situation without a mom. I can't imagine being prego without my mom around. I don't know how sue does it. But she grew to be an extremely tough cookie. But she remains still very cold about the entire scenario and said the last five years that she knew it would happen, it was just a matter of when. -end story.

Look.....right now I know you are looking at your current life (your love, kids,etc) as reasons to change. But don't forget to think about this: what will you become? ( I.e. they didn't exist). And what and who's lives you could affect had you keep going down the same path you are no in the late future? I'm saying this because if your relationship doesn't work, and say maybe she did something horrible where you could only see your kids minimal, you might have a tendency to give up. See, if the reason why u want to change it cuz of them, and say they all of a sudden are no longer in the picture, what'cha going to do? Say hell with it and go back to drinking? That is why so many people on here are reminding u that u need to do it for YOU first.

If its 20 years from now, and your daughter has a kid, do you really want to be THAT kind of grandpa? Your kids will find you again, and when they are older they will need you, still. Just like my friend needed her mom the most this past two years and wasn't there cuz she choose the booze. Even though the mom said over and over again she wasn't putting it first. It was a one night binge again. But this one was the last. To this day, and for the rest of her life, my friend will always feel the booze was first. So matter how much you SAY that its not right now, liejunkie, I have one thing to say: ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

Now stop feeling all sappy for yourself. :-) we all need those few days to feel down, hate ourselves, and cry for help..... but it takes a man to make the next move. And to KEEP moving. If 'Love' won't support u through this and want to go get help herself (to learn how to understand you, and understand your issue and how to help in the relationship) get out! U deserve someone who does. And there IS someone out there for u. But you'd be surprised...once you start showing 'action', and if u still love her, it may be all she needs right now. She doesn't want to hear you anymore. She want to see.

Oh-and I've been there. Not specifically alhocol. But someone said on here go work out. That's great advice. You said your 'love lost weight...... well, show her u can do it too. And stay clean and healthy at the same time. And if she don't care, heck, you'll be all buff for the many fish in the sea when u ready.

Go get a notebook. Write your family and loved ones a letter. Tell them what you told us, you are sorry. And that you want to change, ask for their help. The more people in your circle who know u are trying to change, the harder for to sneak, lie, or screw up! And i mean everyone:-)

Well I totally understand your situation. I am a recovering heroin / pill addict and I just recently got busted myself by my girlfriend. I went through the withdrawls all by myself and I now feel better somewhat. I know how you feel, that almost uncontrolable urge to go and completely # your life up for that one good high.

IT NEVER WORKS OUT. It is insanity. Doing the same goddamn thing and expecting different results. But we do it anyways. We sabotage ourselves just as we start to pick up the peices. All I can say bud is keep making meetings. You need those people just as much as they need you. We can help each other out that way. Good luck to you bro. I hope for the best.

Originally posted by spacedoubt
reply to post by liejunkie01

 

Just a couple of questions first.
Would you describe yourself as someone who might have an underlying fear of commitment?
How do you feel about yourself when you are sober? Do you feel less than whole?

I have been with this girl for many years. I honestly feel like I was commited to us.

I can say that I can o a long time without drinking and feel fine. I completed two years of college and I only drank once in that time.

So I guess the answer is no I do not feel less than whole.