I screwed it all up. I need help. I am in bad shape at the moment. Need advice.

OK, so I am going to lay it all on the line for you all to judge me and maybe give ne a little advice to help me out in the end. Sorry for the long post but please read it. I could really use some insight here. I hope that I can convey my feelings properly for you.

Hello my name is liejunkie01. I am going to be 34 this Christmas. I have three children one with a woman of years ago that I never see anymore and two with my now ex girlfriend of 12 years. My children with her are 9 and six. Boy and girl. I love them like nothing else in this world.

I have been battling an addictive lifestyle since I was a teenager. I am a severe alcoholic that is capable of fighting the urge for long periods of time. But for some reason I seem to lose the battle with my demons from time to time. Sometimes I manage to go years of sobriety.

In my early 20's I was a bar regular and basically lived dependent on alcohol for my social life, this was around 1998 through 2000 or so. Believe me when I say severe alcoholic, bar tab and all. I worked at the time and I ended up keeping my job at this company for 12 years until 2008. Then I went to the local college for two years and studied welding g technologies. I wanted to provide my family with a better life. I just wanted to state this because I am not affraid to work.

I met this girl "love" in 2000. I decided that i was tired of living alone. She needed help with the bills. I agreed to move in and help her out. This is basically where my relationship started with the woman that I gave now spent over a third of my life with.

Except we/I still partied a lot and had a lot of good times. With those good tines also came some bad times. Our son was born in 2003 and our daughter in 2006. This is the hard part to talk about.

Even after my children were born I continued drinking pretty heavy. It is something I am not proud of and quite frankly I cannot explain. I held mu job and paid the bills trying to live life how I thought it was supposed to be. Well, to the parents out there we know that this isn't supposed to be this way. I was stubborn to the fact that I was sinking the family "ship" and we broke up a few times here and there. I thought that the bills were paid and I was faithful then my obligations were being met regardless. Boy was I wrong.

As I have stated over the years I have sworn off the drink and reconciled and made up. With "love" being a good woman and taking me back to try to be a complete family. Each time knowing I was chipping away at the foundation for complete love. We have separated moved out on our own a few times over the years.

Each time I got this is the last time speech. I even agreed to go to AA a few times but felt ashamed and stopped going.

This Sunday will be two weeks since I went over to a friends house with a half pint to watch some football. I thought it would be an innocent drink and everything would be alright. Boy was I wrong. "Love" got totally irrate and I lost my cool. She kicked me out and I went to my brothers to stay. This only made matters worse because my brother has issues of his own (drugs) and it really was not a good move on my part.

"Love" and I have not been getting along to well before this last incident. Our communication with each other had all but stopped. We are both stubborn and hardheaded but I take most of the blame for not being there for her like I should have been.

The children are taking it pretty hard and she asked me if I wanted to stay at the house until I can find another job and get a place of my own. After my schooling I got a job as a union sheet metal worker. Work slowed down and I have been unemployed since the end of August. This has added to the attitude problems around the house. She works as a dietary tech(cook) and started working more since I got laid off.

Her working and me not pretty much turned into animosity because my unumployment isn't cutting it. I personally believed I would have got a call for work, but pretty much gave up hope.

We were doing so good at the beginning of the summer. We were pretty much happy and had a little extra money to boot.
Now it is just complete misery and I cannot sleep at night. She told me she is tired of trying and is ready to move on. I feel comleyely devastated and I can not let it go. I absolutely love this woman and the family we have made together. My kids are suffering because of my ignorance and selfishness.

She tells me that I put booze and drugs before family. I do not feel this way and I really cannot explain why I relapse once in a while. I do not put booze and drugs before family, no excuses this time. I just don't know why.

I really want to know what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I get it right for my children's sake. All I want is to be a happy family and honestly I feel we haven't figured out the right way. We have never tried counseling or anything. It just kills me that it turned out this way.

I just don't want it to end this way. There has got to be a way t work it out. It hurts and I have torn my family apart.

Why?

Originally posted by liejunkie01




I decided that i was tired of living alone. She needed help with the bills. I agreed to move in and help her out. This is basically where my relationship started with the woman that I gave now spent over a third of my life with.

There's where you went wrong. Co-dependent relationships are messy.

reply to post by liejunkie01


No matter what people on here is gonna say, get proffesional help.

Join the AA, or other organization that has the means to help you through this time.

I wish you all the best.

vvv

Originally posted by VreemdeVlieendeVoorwep
reply to post by liejunkie01

 

No matter what people on here is gonna say, get proffesional help.

Join the AA, or other organization that has the means to help you through this time.

I wish you all the best.

vvv

I second this post.

Good luck with everything, and don't let the holiday season pile on emotionally.

reply to post by VreemdeVlieendeVoorwep


Thank you for the reply. I have been seriously thinking about AA.

I an going to see when the meetings are tomorrow.

I feel pretty bad right now.

reply to post by liejunkie01

Originally posted by liejunkie01
I really want to know what the hell is wrong with me.

Addictions are often symptoms for deeper deficiancies, depressions or even untreated trauma.
It's not enough to fight the symptoms, you have to fix the problem at its source.

reply to post by DaTroof


It is too late.

The s the worst holiday season ever.

I am trying to hold it together for my children's sake.

Show her this post then see a psychologist. There are reasons for a self destructive life style. It usually has roots deep into your childhood.

Peace

P

reply to post by liejunkie01


Until you can *own* the fact that you did put alcohol, drugs, and the party lifestyle before your Family. You won't be able to start healing yourself. You can't fix your Family, only yourself. I agree with previous posters, you need to get help with your addictions. You've hit the bottom of the barrel. This is the point where you admit you need help.

I wish you the best of luck. I can't give you any advice on getting your Family back. Work on finding yourself first.

Des

reply to post by VreemdeVlieendeVoorwep


I totally agree you need some professional help. If YOU can't explain why you go off the rails then going to AA with people in similar positions as yourself will help.
Look I'm going to be honest with you, you need to stop promising this woman your going to change and start actually doing it. Collect cans.... Anything but stop the talking and start the doing.

reply to post by ColCurious


I personally have felt that I may have a depression problem.

I have friends that Arron head meds and quite frankly I feel that they seem to make it worse.

I am going to see if my doctor is open Monday though. I need to do something.

This completely sucks.

Originally posted by VreemdeVlieendeVoorwep
reply to post by liejunkie01

 

No matter what people on here is gonna say, get proffesional help.

Join the AA, or other organization that has the means to help you through this time.

I wish you all the best.

vvv

Absolutely...don't look any further...V.V. has it right!

Good luck...and just do it one day at a time!

reply to post by liejunkie01


'This Sunday will be two weeks since I went over to a friends house with a half pint to watch some football.'

Why did you drink? If you know you have such issues you have to completely abstain from it, alcohol = your life going to #, so choose couple hours of bliss or rest of your life being happy.

You choose what you want, same with people trying to lose weight, how bad do you want it, if you're strong enough to occasionally have a piece of cake once a week ok, but if you end up eating 10 cakes then you have to swear off of it. Life gets stressful or w/e some people drink to get rid of the stress but if its gonna mess up your life make the choice.

Same with smokers get the will power, some have it and can just quit because their children dont like their parents and wont hug them because they smell of ciggy smoke and quit soon as the words come out of their childs mouth. You have to do the same thing, you want to be happy seeing your kids everyday quit and ban it from your life, you drink you're hurting yourself and your kids you want to hurt your kids? I dont think you do so you have the choice them or the drink, get help if you need it but you need to make that choice in your life of what is more important to you!

And in regards to depression, workout even if its only 5mins a day the endorphins you get from it make a world of difference, even if you're super busy 5min set of tabatas will lift your spirits for the rest of the day or jump rope for 5mins w/e just get your body sweating and heart pumping and it'll do you a world of good. Be addicted to exercising everyday thats your new weakness that you have to do everyday to feel better just make sure you do it everyday in some capacity. It works it really does, new years coming up thats your resolution.

Thank you all for the advice.

I will pick myself back up.

I feel so bad that I put my children on this position.

Originally posted by DaTroof

I second this post.

Double for me.( No pun intended) Put down the booze. That seems to be your biggest problem. One of two things will happen: you'll keep drinking and never have a productive life regardless of what your work ethic is, or you'll stop drinking and gain a better way of life.

An addictive personality can't be cured. It's how some people are wired. You have to get to the point where you're willing to replace a counterproductive addiction with one that's healthy. Sounds to me like you're going to have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. That, and how many wives do you expect to go through in one lifetime?

AA worked for me but only to a point. The biggest thing I took out of it that I still carry today is the "principles before personalities" motto. You have to stop taking things so personally and if you're an overly emotional person, you have to learn to compartmentalize that. Only use it when it's needed, where it's needed and choose carefully who you let into your emotional world. For most people that comes naturally. It goes without saying. Addicts for some reason have to work at it. But like you said yourself.......you're not afraid of work.

Good luck man.

Originally posted by kaoticf8
And in regards to depression, workout even if its only 5mins a day the endorphins you get from it make a world of difference, even if you're super busy 5min set of tabatas will lift your spirits for the rest of the day or jump rope for 5mins w/e just get your body sweating and heart pumping and it'll do you a world of good. Be addicted to exercising everyday thats your new weakness that you have to do everyday to feel better just make sure you do it everyday in some capacity. It works it really does, new years coming up thats your resolution.

Thank you for this post.

The ironic thing is that "love" has been on a serious dieting system for about a year.

She has lost a lot of weight.

My friend , you are so not alone. I got married when i was 18 yrs old to my soul mate. We had two girls who are the love of my life. I am now 40 years old. We were married for 18 years. My girls are 10 and 17. Me and my soul mate divorced 2 years ago because i could not let go of my behavior. I have some addictive qualities that have been the result of my divorce. I am not trying to judge you but i have been diagnosed with bipolar since i was 22 yrs old. We are still friends, but my up and down personality is just to much for her to take.I hope you can work things out, even if it means you can only be friends!! somtimes what you can have is not always what you want the most. I am still my baby girls hero. They love thier dady no matter what!!!!!

reply to post by yeti72


Thank you for that post.

My biggest fear is that it is already to late.

I am going to immediately seek help.

I know it is not just about what I want. But it is just to hard to accept that there is no way that things can't work out.

I believe people can change. I am determined to change for my family.

I went through a similar thing with my wife.

Nearly cost me my sanity, I gave up on life totally...

I learned a LOT but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...

A while ago I posted these links in another thread.

Perhaps they apply to you as well:

What Are You Living For?
www.abovetopsecret.com...

There is only ONE way you will ever hope to find the answers to all your questions
www.abovetopsecret.com...

YOU ARE CHOSEN BY GOD FOR A DESIGNATED PURPOSE
www.abovetopsecret.com...

The Purpose of Your Life
www.abovetopsecret.com...

You have a PURPOSE. ALL beings have a purpose
www.abovetopsecret.com...

We have been conditioned to DENY REALITY
www.abovetopsecret.com...

Set your heart on a pilgrimage to be great in eternity
www.abovetopsecret.com...

Spirituality is the ultimate conspiracy and it is the elite's PRIMARY target
www.abovetopsecret.com...

The reason that NOTHING is as it seems
www.abovetopsecret.com...

Without the truth, you WILL be deceived
www.abovetopsecret.com...

CONNECTING with God and our purpose in life should be every ones goal in life
www.abovetopsecret.com...

The real agenda behind false religions
www.abovetopsecret.com...