Finding the one that makes you want to kill yourself.

I recently started a thread why do all girls come at once? outlining how my matters of the heart seemed to get pretty complicated in the last little while.

The short version, is there are two girls that I met and talked to around the same period. And while ready to move forward with one, the unavailable one recently popped up available.

The headline of this thread is a little extreme: What I mean about "girls that make you want to kill yourself" is more like saying "girls that make you hard on yourself".

Killing yourself metaphorically of course.

Girls That...

1. Make you second guess yourself.
   
2. Make you unsure of yourself because you care about what they think.
   
3. Make you want to be a better person.
   
4. Challenge your thoughts on things just by conscience way of answering their questions.
   
5. Girls that make you wonder if you're doing it right.
   

Does this make sense? Beating yourself up over a girl.

I'm a pretty confident guy, and I've never had any issues. Especially when it comes to dating life. (Discounting the awkward formative years.)

And here I am with this girl who has recently become available, although at the moment nothing physically, but emotionally... And I'm sitting around like a 12 year old with his hands in his pockets.

Beating myself up on things I say, my thoughts, and questioning all my actions over the last couple decades.

I just realize, "this isn't right."

I'm killing myself over some girl.... But maybe because the kind of girl I haven't met or didn't notice for years. I'm just wondering if this is a good option, or should I drop the feelings I'm having and wake myself up. I'm really killing myself over this girl, and I don't do this.

Never put the pussy on a pedestal - It's a worthy expression. I don't feel like this about girls. For one, it's a very weak position. Being blinded by wooshy gushy feelings is the first step in making an ass out of yourself, and carrying on a two sided, unequal relationship.

But heck, it seems like a good idea.

So, thoughts on this kinda thing, where you care so much about someone you beat yourself up over them... Good idea or bad idea?

reply to post by boncho

So, thoughts on this kinda thing, where you care so much about someone you beat yourself up over them... Good idea or bad idea?

I used to...than I grew some balls. It's pretty simple for me. If there is mutual attraction, than there is no room for doubt and beating yourself up about it. If there isn't, than that girl is not for me. I simply move on. There is no beating up my self about it, cos it obviously isn't all that...that's probably just my lower head asking for some hot lovin'.

Originally posted by boncho



Girls That...

1. Make you second guess yourself.
   
2. Make you unsure of yourself because you care about what they think.
   
3. Make you want to be a better person.
   
4. Challenge your thoughts on things just by conscience way of answering their questions.
   
5. Girls that make you wonder if you're doing it right.
   

So...what's wrong with that list? Sounds like she makes you feel unlike any other before her. Isn't that what you should be looking for? All that you listed makes me think you might be questioning how you acted towards other women and the fact that perhaps she makes your ego quiver a bit....I'm sure an unfamiliar feeling for you. Of course at first you'll reject it.
Take it slow, accustom yourself to it, and see what happens. Maybe she really is the one, and you are overthinking it all. Fear is a big road block.

reply to post by AccessDenied


Never had that problem before. I'm just wondering if I started something with her the way I normally am would it be better. Why she makes me like this I don't know.

I've seen this condition in people before. You sir, are twitterpaite, as thumper would say. From what I see in your post, you appear to have fallen victim to love at first sight. From here I would advise you to not second guess yourself, if you like her, go for her. I'm willing to bet she feels similar... Good luck!



Robb

If you found someone who makes you want to be a better person there is not anything wrong with that. My better half makes me fell the same. However you cant let your nerves get in the way of your dissions. The only reason you second guess yourself is because you want her to approve of you, fearing that being wrong will make her think less of you. Women like confidence! Even if you were wrong. If she says things to make you down on yourself or second geuss yourself. Than you have to judge if shes being cold and unobservant of you fellings. Or maybe she is just a strong outspoken woman.

I've never given a Damn about anyone until this one girl.
And it did not go well at all.

I am a complete wreck right now, this is very odd. I don't want to let it go and get over it because I find these feelings interesting. Hell I was surprised to learn that I had any feelings at all.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be any help here man.

reply to post by boncho


You continually surprise me boncho... I never expected these kinds of threads from you. Personally, I have never asked this kind of advice from others. Maybe that's why I made so many bad mistakes in matters of the heart.. hmm

I've had that feeling before Boncho. And I stood by quietly, biding my time, because I was so insanely dumbfounded. Turns out, my hesitation was the result of an instinct telling me to get the fudge away from the person. By biding my time, the reasons for my hesitation, trepidation and anxiety became apparent. I learned to have trust in my gut - I have always instinctively known who I could pull close without regret.

Do you sense that you would miss out on this opportunity if you were patient and took some time getting to know her? If she's right for you, she only needs to decide if you're right for her, and we women do that before most of y'all even hold hands with us. And if she decides you're right for her, you could wait a year and she'll still be standing there wondering what's taking so darn long.

As a woman, I cannot exactly relate to a man feeling this way, but every time it has happened to me, it has always turned out badly.

The reason is because, right from the get-go, you are not on an equal footing with her. You are below her. Never a good place to start.

Life, romance and love are nothing like they are protrayed in the movies.

So, you ask if you're feeling this way is good or bad. I say bad. If you can get control of yourself and look at her logically, then okay. But as long as you are goo-goo eyed, tongue-tied, and crushing hard on her, you are not on the same level as her, and if it doesn't work out well, it could destroy you emotionally.

Finding a good partner means keeping infatuation in check, and thinking with the upper brain. If you can't do that, better run.

reply to post by boncho


This may sound silly, but bear with me.

Write a pros and cons list.

Then let your heart decide. If you continue to beat yourself up, you aren't ever going to make a decision and you'll loose both of them.

~Tenth

I am with FissionSurplus on this one, boncho. Do not let your heart guide you. Emotion is blind; it can easily lead you over a cliff. Slow down, get yourself together, and think logically. Analyze the situation. If you have fallen for her without her having done the same for you, that puts you at a disadvantage. Respect yourself first, establish what you find acceptable and unacceptable, and then work from there. Rushing in heart first, head last, is one sure way to either chase her off or put yourself through months, or years, of misery.

Never let emotion into the driver’s seat.

Aww Boncho's in luuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvve.

But anyway, I have a friend who felt and no doubt still feels that way about his woman and seriously both their lives together really reached for the sky, they had it made career wise, coupledom wise. To be honest I figured they had it all, unfortunately 12 great years later she's gone and done one. Christ knows why, but he's still beating himself up over her even now.

Sucks big time and I can't stand being utterly unable to help a broken friend.

Originally posted by wtbengineer
reply to post by boncho

 

You continually surprise me boncho... I never expected these kinds of threads from you. Personally, I have never asked this kind of advice from others. Maybe that's why I made so many bad mistakes in matters of the heart.. hmm

Sometimes I surprise myself. I am pretty sure of everything I do, although if I'm not, the only thing I can do is look at other's opinions on matters.

reply to post by chasingbrahman

Do you sense that you would miss out on this opportunity if you were patient and took some time getting to know her? If she's right for you, she only needs to decide if you're right for her, and we women do that before most of y'all even hold hands with us. And if she decides you're right for her, you could wait a year and she'll still be standing there wondering what's taking so darn long.

We have taken it slow thus far. And when we speak, we aren't talking about jumping in anything together. It's just that since I have spent more time talking to her, my interest in other girls has suddenly and completely faded.

reply to post by FissionSurplus

As a woman, I cannot exactly relate to a man feeling this way, but every time it has happened to me, it has always turned out badly.

The reason is because, right from the get-go, you are not on an equal footing with her. You are below her. Never a good place to start.

That is my initial worry, although it seems as though she is in the same place with me too. Perhaps it's an equal, humbling feeling we both have?

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
reply to post by boncho

 

This may sound silly, but bear with me.

Write a pros and cons list.

Then let your heart decide. If you continue to beat yourself up, you aren't ever going to make a decision and you'll loose both of them.

~Tenth

I did this. The one has more pros than cons. I feel that even if things didn't work out with us, the positive that would come out of trying still outweighs any negatives that might come about...

Originally posted by Misoir
I am with FissionSurplus on this one, boncho. Do not let your heart guide you. Emotion is blind; it can easily lead you over a cliff. Slow down, get yourself together, and think logically. Analyze the situation. If you have fallen for her without her having done the same for you, that puts you at a disadvantage. Respect yourself first, establish what you find acceptable and unacceptable, and then work from there. Rushing in heart first, head last, is one sure way to either chase her off or put yourself through months, or years, of misery.

Never let emotion into the driver’s seat.

This is exactly my usual sentiment. Perhaps I need to step back a bit and let logic and reason catch up to my emotions? This keeps you from making errors based on emotions, which tend to lead you in the wrong direction. I think my problem here is I have never had an issue controlling the two, or letting my reasoning be the dominant force in my decision making abilities.

reply to post by Suspiria

Aww Boncho's in luuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvve.

Clear signs the world, is actually ending.

Originally posted by Misoir

Never let emotion into the driver’s seat.

Well where's the fun in that? You can't go anywhere if you don't put the pedal to the metal.

I get what you're saying, but that should only be the case in the initial "song and dance" as it were. I guess.

Here Boncho. You sound like you need a good old fashioned country song.



Just don't mix the vodka with milk. It doesn't carry over well.

Just be yourself and act like you don't care. Maybe I don't "get the girls", but atleast I can feel good about myself doing it.

Originally posted by boncho

I recently started a thread why do all girls come at once? outlining how my matters of the heart seemed to get pretty complicated in the last little while.

The short version, is there are two girls that I met and talked to around the same period. And while ready to move forward with one, the unavailable one recently popped up available.

The headline of this thread is a little extreme: What I mean about "girls that make you want to kill yourself" is more like saying "girls that make you hard on yourself".

Killing yourself metaphorically of course.

Girls That...

1. Make you second guess yourself.
   
2. Make you unsure of yourself because you care about what they think.
   
3. Make you want to be a better person.
   
4. Challenge your thoughts on things just by conscience way of answering their questions.
   
5. Girls that make you wonder if you're doing it right.
   

Does this make sense? Beating yourself up over a girl.

I'm a pretty confident guy, and I've never had any issues. Especially when it comes to dating life. (Discounting the awkward formative years.)

And here I am with this girl who has recently become available, although at the moment nothing physically, but emotionally... And I'm sitting around like a 12 year old with his hands in his pockets.

Beating myself up on things I say, my thoughts, and questioning all my actions over the last couple decades.

I just realize, "this isn't right."

I'm killing myself over some girl.... But maybe because the kind of girl I haven't met or didn't notice for years. I'm just wondering if this is a good option, or should I drop the feelings I'm having and wake myself up. I'm really killing myself over this girl, and I don't do this.

Never put the pussy on a pedestal - It's a worthy expression. I don't feel like this about girls. For one, it's a very weak position. Being blinded by wooshy gushy feelings is the first step in making an ass out of yourself, and carrying on a two sided, unequal relationship.

But heck, it seems like a good idea.

So, thoughts on this kinda thing, where you care so much about someone you beat yourself up over them... Good idea or bad idea?

Hmmm, this seems to have gone down a bit of a slippery slope since we last spoke B.

Do you have these feelings for both? Or is just one making you feel this way? I'd have to go with Tenth's advice here and make that list. But at the end of the day, you need to make the decision. I know that's a hard thing to do, and at the moment you're weighing your options, because I think if you choose one over the other, it's a one off deal with no backsies, you know what I mean? If it turns out to be the wrong choice, girl b just 'aint gonna be around for you to have that second chance with.

End of the day, pick yourself up off the floor, step back and take a breath. You said it yourself, never put it on a pedestal, because you rob yourself of equality, not to mention are diving in blind, while relinquishing all control at the same time, never a good place for a guy to be in any relationship.

Take control buddy. You know what you want. Really. Just do it.

I am female and don't look at things the way you do... BUT... I think you have found someone who challenges you intellectually and/or emotionally and this scares you. So, you're willing to run away rather than do those scary things that "men aren't supposed to do". Like care about anything other than sex.

It's up to you.

But, you should just be her friend and go from there.

Originally posted by boncho
Girls That...

1. Make you second guess yourself.
   
2. Make you unsure of yourself because you care about what they think.
   
3. Make you want to be a better person.
   
4. Challenge your thoughts on things just by conscience way of answering their questions.
   
5. Girls that make you wonder if you're doing it right.
   

Does this make sense? Beating yourself up over a girl.
...

I think second-guessing your second-guessing is ~ SomeOne looking out for you...
You will not be able to maintain all the modifications you've made to yourself...for very long - without sacrificing much (of you) that made you attractive (to her) in the first place.
True - we all want to "be a better person"... Probably better to allow maturity to evolve in a more natural flow.
...
Good luck, in any case.

Originally posted by WanDash

Originally posted by boncho
Girls That...

1. Make you second guess yourself.
   
2. Make you unsure of yourself because you care about what they think.
   
3. Make you want to be a better person.
   
4. Challenge your thoughts on things just by conscience way of answering their questions.
   
5. Girls that make you wonder if you're doing it right.
   

Does this make sense? Beating yourself up over a girl.
...

I think second-guessing your second-guessing is ~ SomeOne looking out for you...
You will not be able to maintain all the modifications you've made to yourself...for very long - without sacrificing much (of you) that made you attractive (to her) in the first place.
True - we all want to "be a better person"... Probably better to allow maturity to evolve in a more natural flow.
...
Good luck, in any case.

I knew what I was thinking but couldn't put it into words before I read this.

If this girl is making you feel like you're trying harder for her to like you, you're not being genuine with her, or yourself.
At the start of all relationships we all behave a certain way, we toe the line, we say and do things to garner favour with the object of our affections. But there comes a time when once we're comfortable with each other, we begin to drop the facade, until we're back who we always were.

Be yourself, let her fall for you as you are.