Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

Together Six months and he's logging into a dating site? Something is up. Either he's not as serious as you think or obviously he's losing interest and just hasn't told you.For those saying it completely innocent..no it isn't. You don't create a profile on a dating site to make friends. OP,my suggestion to you is to bring it up. You'll never know unless you ask and until then it'll keep bothering you.

reply to post by CayceFan

Yes, it was honestly a friend. I have nothing to gain here by being evasive with everyone. I never even belonged to that site and wouldn't have been able to log on even if I wanted to.

With that said, I in turn reacted like a typical woman (you can image) so what's done is done. I would imagine that the time for talking is past.

reply to post by surfin4it

Thank you, surfin4it. That's wise advice!

reply to post by timidgal


He is hedging his bets and playing the market, trying to see if he can "upgrade" or not. Or he's a hound dog. The motives for him being there online - short of him having been there to cancel his account or change his status to "involved" - or something of that nature - is irrelevant.

What does matter is that you've placed your trust in him and he violated it in a way that you probably would have never noticed had an intermediary not happened across.

On question that bears asking - does this intermediary have any potential motive for lying about this. If male, maybe he could be interested in you. If female, then she might be interested in him.

I hate to be so crass and negative sounding. But I've had my heart shattered in a situation where I continued giving the benefit of the doubt to a woman who I later learned had been very dishonest and disloyal to me. The people who are capable of this behavior are an odd breed. They will move the bar. IE if he gets away with this? The next time it might be a text from a friend saying "Hey, your man is here, at the bar, sitting with a woman and buying her drinks." And if that goes by? Then it's showing up at six AM, in disheveled clothing, saying that the car broke down or some such. And if you dare question it? It gets turned on you and suddenly YOU'RE the guilty party because you cannot trust.

Obviously I do not know you, nor the gentleman you are involved with. But I do have a good instinct for people - based largely in experience. And my gut reaction is that if this is anything more than a casual relationship - then I'd advise being very cautious with your feelings and protective of your own interests.

Don't let him move that bar another inch - in fact pull it back and let it be known that anymore online Tom foolery will be more than you can tolerate.

My heartfelt .02 cents. Maybe jaded? Maybe wise?

~Heff

reply to post by QUANTUMGR4V17Y

OMG - it was not my intent to sound so conceited. I'm hurt and am just trying to understand...

Originally posted by timidgal
reply to post by AfterInfinity

 

You raise a good point and I honestly wonder why we women are so intimidated by even the thought of just looking? In my world, it's one thing for him to gawk at a beautiful woman walking down the street - who can blame him for that - but to go on a dating website and peruse the offerings is something totally different. Am I being overly defensive?

No,he isn't on there to just look at beautiful women.Don't be naive.He's on there for a reason and unfortunately it isn't a good one,sorry.But again,you won't know for sure until you mention it to him.

He asked you to get out of the dating site and was supposed to do the same. He didn't. Don't trust him.

reply to post by GreenGlassDoor

Thank you so much for your genuine honesty. You described him exactly (overly romantic) and make me feel a bit more secure in my decision to kick this one to the curb. We all deserve better than that!

reply to post by nightstalker78

That's sage advice, nightstalker78, but I lost perspective and instead of having a rational conversation, I played into the typical female stereotype...

reply to post by Hefficide

Heff - your $.02 is worth a million bucks. People don't realize how much matters of the heart can affect a person. I didn't realize it myself until my emotions were flung around like a ragdoll by a sociopath who was actually deriving pleasure from my misery. Sounds very similar to your experience and I'm sorry you went through that.

With that said, whether from impetuousness or not, I already completely tore that bar down. After the last go round and it's emotional aftermath (with the sociopath who was another man), I subconsciousless developed a zero tolerance policy.

Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts and I'm sorry for your own experience.

TG

PS - No, this particular friend is a girlfriend who had nothing to gain or lose by this happening. She's happily married and very much in love with her husband. She was also the one who talked me into giving this one a chance in the first place and is ALMOST as devastated by this as I am. She truly wanted me to find the same type of happiness she found with her own significant other.

reply to post by nightstalker78

Well, my style of "mentioning" it to him was anything but gentile so that's that. I do, however, thank you for letting me know that my thinking is not totally warped.

reply to post by Night Star

Point well taken and it's done. Thanks for your input!

reply to post by timidgal


I think it could be cultural not neurological, but honestly, I feel the same way as you about girls and I'm a guy! Also, girls tend to be attracted to guys with options, just something to think about...there is definitely a wiring issue, though...

And AfterInfinity has some good advice.

reply to post by timidgal


I know you asked for men to reply, but your story hits soo close to home, I could have written it. I know how painful it is to make sense of "why"......and it hurts to the soul. I was not as smart as you, many tears and years later I was a devestated shell of the woman I once was.

I can only say think VERY carefully about forgiving him, because he'll probably try and convince you to...he took you off the "market" while he was still seeking the company of other women, don't fall for that whole "oh it means nothing" nonsence....it DOES mean something...and the trust is never really there again.

My heart goes out to you, and I really understand more than I can explain here.....please feel free to U2U me if you need a sounding board.....

Originally posted by darkbake
reply to post by timidgal

 

I think it could be cultural not neurological, but honestly, I feel the same way as you about girls and I'm a guy! Also, girls tend to be attracted to guys with options, just something to think about...there is definitely a wiring issue, though...

And AfterInfinity has some good advice.

The funny thing is that this guy had absolutely no confidence until we became involved and I made him see what a "great" guy he is. So at the end of the day, I'm the one who gave him the confidence to find those options and I'm the one who pays the price.

Oh well, I can't change who I am - I'm a loving person who believes that everyone deserves to love themselves and be loved by others. If nothing else, I need to guard against becoming overly cynical toward everyone because of this experience.

reply to post by timidgal


I neglected to say so in my previous post, but I truly feel a great deal of sympathy for you and the situation you are in. ( I was busy failing at trying not to sound wounded and bitter. )

You seem like a strong willed and minded person. You're going to be just fine.

~Heff

Well, timidgal, I'm not a single guy (married woman, aged 51). There was a time, about 10 years ago, when I was like you. I had met some real "winners" (and I use that term sarcastically), but then I met a guy, and went through the same thing as you.

He wanted to be exclusive, asked me to get off the dating site, and he would get off of it as well. However, 4 months into it, I found out that he had been shopping around on those "Russian Women" dating sites, and was printing pictures of the hot ones, and corresponding with them.

I was really hurt, really angry that he wasted me time, pretty pissed off that he broke my heart, so I tossed all the printed pics of the hotties in his face and walked out. That was the end of that.

A few years later, I met my wonderful husband. Just have to have patience, there are some gems out there, but you gotta pick through a lot of rocks and dirt clods before you find one.

As an interesting aside, I still have Mr. Dishonest as a Facebook friend. He wanted to be friends with me. And he's been hitting me up, saying he's still as randy as ever, and would I consider......

Ugh! Seriously?? I had to remind this horn-dog that I'm happily and faithfully married, and told him to hit up his live-in girlfriend for any hanky-panky.

So, in the end, I dodged a bullet (as cute as he is, I still dodged a bullet). He runs around and cheats on his girlfriend, who sits at home and apparently has no idea what he's up to.

Thank your lucky stars it happened before you got in any deeper. Dust yourself off, and continue to believe that there is one good, faithful, and honest man out there for you.

reply to post by timidgal


Some men are honest and straight forward some are not. Dating sites are filled with players. They play, they get bored, they go back to play.

I am not saying this is the case, I do not know you, I do not know him but what I would recommend is to talk and to put your foot down. If he said he would delete his profile and obviously hasn't done so, he lied. Not good.

If you really like the guy, talk to him. Get him to explain. If his explanation doesn't satisfy you, open the door and let him out. Not to do so would be to live something similar in the future, once more.

No games. Straight forward talk. Then decide.

Just my opinion, as a man, but this is what I would do if roles were inversed and it happened to me.

reply to post by MountainLaurel

Thank you so much, MountainLaurel. Even as I was typing the words in my OP, I was wondering if I was over-reacting because of my past situation. The truth is that emotional betrayals are felt in the hearts of the beholder and the devastation can be paralyzing. I try to hide my hurt by expressing anger instead, but the fact is that I'm devastated by this because after so long, I finally took a leap of faith and now feel completely hopeless.

As I said to others, I am so sorry that you also went through this type of pain. It impacts you down to your very soul and quite honestly, I don't think I'll ever want to take that risk again.

Thank you again for opening yourself up to remembering your own pain to help another person. You have my deepest gratitude!

Timid

reply to post by Hefficide

Thanks, Heff, and your sympathy came through loud and clear...