I'm confused and need opinions.

I know the title made you think one thing, but that's not it.

About 6-7 months ago, my ex and I split up after 7 years. We would still see each other and spend time together but I ended up moving back home in an attempt to start over. I wasn't necessarily running from my problems (or her) but her and I were apart, I hated my job and wanted something better and had the opportunity to move back to my home town (about 2 1/2 hours from her), so I did. We would still talk from time to time, usually with her reaching out to me via e-mail / skype to see how I was doing. I was very distant and passive because I had known of her dating and seeing guys a few months after we split which in and of itself was hurtful. The break-up was very cordial and mutual. We both agreed that because she wasn't making me happy (physical attraction) I wasn't making an effort to make her happy and that we should separate and see how we both feel.

She has the kind of friends that want to hook her up with guys and be a whore to help her get over me faster (I was her first). I never heard it from her but I'm old enough and I guess wise enough to know when this type of stuff is happening (especially with the friends she has). You could say I didn't know 100% but the tell-tale signs and intuition were completely there. Those of you who have been here know exactly what I mean.

Last time we spoke she made a comment that offended me, as to what it was, I cannot even recall right now but this wasn't normally in her nature. She's very kind and loving and has always shown that to me the entire time we were together...utterly and completely dedicated to me. I decided that I wasn't going to talk to her anymore. I was going to ignore the e-mails and and refrain from logging on skype at all. She would call my brothers phone when I would shut mine off after a few calls from her to have him ask me to turn my phone on / log on skype. I did a few times, after the ordeal of her comment to me, but as time went on, I really didn't at all (due to that feeling of her seeing someone).

Well, I get a call today (we had not spoken for about 2-3 weeks) and it's our usual chit-chat, hi, how are you, you been doing okay? Love you, miss you, etc. etc.

As we go to hang up, she stops me and says "I have something to tell you..."; at this point, I already knew what that was. She was seeing a guy, who she said she just started seeing but I'm no fool, she's been seeing him for a while; in the mean time, trying to talk to me still.

Yes, hearing this hurt, a lot. We were together a long time. Basically my entire adult life. No, I'm nowhere near ready to move on. I've dated, messed around, had fun but I'm just not ready for a real relationship (I choose to date and have fun based on the assumption of her seeing someone but completely justified above).

What was her reason to call me and tell me she's seeing someone? I don't understand female logic. I have an idea as to why, but I need others opinions. My thinking is she is trying to make me jealous, to judge my reaction (which was hanging up on her / turning my phone off)

How could she be ready for a relationship so quickly? Do women feel so alone after a break-up that they need to jump right back into one? Perhaps she really likes this guy but if so, why would she still talk to me?

I want to make it clear that down the line, I did want to work things out with her. I was an asshole. I felt I was too good for her. I was hit on constantly while I was out and felt like I could do better but we all learn at some point in our lives that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I did express this to her and she agreed, however, after having that feeling that she was seeing guys so quickly (with the proof today), it kinda shot that out of the window for me. I think also she might have thought that due to my passiveness that I was seeing someone too, and this isn't the case. I expressed this to her every time she asked with complete sincerity. I realized I didn't want a supermodel. I want a loyal, honest, smart, loving and caring woman who is all about me and visa versa. Yes, there does need to be SOME attraction (which there was) but bombshells typically come with problems that outweigh their good looks (which I experienced plenty of during my "having fun" phase).

I'd also like to make it clear that I have no problems with her moving on. I want her to be happy. I didn't do a great job of it due to my conceited and selfish nature the last year of our relationship. I did see the errors in my ways and really want to make an effort to change and make a life for us together but at the same time, it just boils down to me wanting her to be happy.

..........

Anyhow, I've been drinking and I'm rambling. To summarize. Why would she tell me she's seeing someone? How could she be in a relationship so quickly? Do you think she has other motives behind my previous two questions? If the feedback I get mirrors what I feel and think, I'm totally done with this. I'm not one for games and I don't need the stress and drama of high school # reentering my life.

Thanks for your feedback and opinions. I apologize about my rambling / ranting / language ... etc. - thanks again

reply to post by Still Naive?


Dear Still Naive,

This woman loved you and you broke up with her because you were not physically attracted to her enough. How do you figure she felt? You felt the way you felt at the time and you say you have grown beyond that; but, how do you think she felt at the time? Women are not that hard to understand.

My guess is that after you told her she wasn't attractive enough, she began dating because she needed to know that she was. She called you because maybe she wanted you to know that others saw her that way. When my wife left me for another man after 24 years together, I felt pretty bad. In my 50s I questioned if I women would find me attractive, I am also shorter and balding with all the grey hair I need left. One day I was feeling down and out of nowhere a 30ish year old woman told me how darn sexy I looked. I told her that she had said the one thing I needed. It changed my day. She may not be that different than us.

If she had told you that you were not attractive enough for her, how would you have felt? As you state you have been drinking, you may want to wait until tomorrow to think about this some more and you should definately NOT try and contact her now, wait until you are sober and have thought about things in the new day. Peace and we all make mistakes.

Relationships are tricky as hell sometimes and you can't always rationalize. If she is still calling, I would assume she still cares. She is dating someone else, but not married to the guy. If you want to rekindle the relationship, you're going to have to make a move before she gets too involved with this other guy. Maybe she is trying to see if you might still be interested in her. If you are, you have to let her know or let her go. Much luck.

reply to post by AQuestion


It would have hurt. I know what I did and what I said was wrong. I look at things in a new light now. She is beautiful and was / is everything I wanted in a woman. Hindsight is 20/20, always. I expressed this to her, as often as I could (without appearing desperate etc.) and she accepted what I said. My apologies and all.

However, with the circumstances of her jumping right back into a relationship or seeing someone, despite me correcting myself and clearing things up with her. That really shot things out of the window, which is why I became so distant. I've never been one to grovel and beg. I will apologize and admit when I'm wrong but I have a line in the sand that I myself will not cross. She knows how I feel and she still made a decision. Her reason for that decision is what I'm trying to figure out.

I do want her to be happy, I really do. If we never speak from this day forward, I can deal with that. It won't be easy by any means but I know I can do it. What worries me is that maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Then again, I feel assured to myself that I have. I took it to the point right before desperation. She knows me and she knows my sincerity. What also worries me is that she has jumped into this relationship and I will get that call 8 months from now to "see how I'm doing" at which point I will likely get rude out of hurt / grief I went through while she was doing whatever it is she was doing.

I know that I was in the wrong, and I've told her this, and apologized and made it crystal clear that I had my head in the sand. Yes, I agreed, we still needed time apart (I wanted to be 100% sure), which I am now. For a while, I felt she was ready for us to work things out, with how often she would call / e-mail.

reply to post by Night Star


She knows how I feel...I've made that clear to her.

I think it's to the point of letting her go. I can deal with that. I know that there are other women who can make me happy. It just concerns me that one day I will get a call from her when I've already found that woman and it will kill me to have to push her away again.

Let me see if I understand this. You two broke up because she wasn't attractive enough and didn't make you happy, so you didn't make an effort to make her happy. That was 6 or 7 months ago. She's called you but sometimes you'd turn your phone off because you didn't want to talk to her. Now she's seeing someone and you don't understand how she could do this so soon after the breakup.

6 or 7 months does not sound like too soon to me. It's acceptable for a widow to begin dating a year after the death of a spouse. You didn't even die. You just didn't want her around anymore.

I really don't see that she's done anything wrong. I'm sorry if that is not what you want to hear as a response, but based on what you wrote, that's how it seems to me.

She's called you but sometimes you'd turn your phone off because you didn't want to talk to her.

Due to the fact that I had a feeling she was seeing someone else, which she was. After this all happened, about me expressing my problems with our relationship, we still were very close. We spent most days together, living separately.

All in all, I never really said she did anything wrong. I do want her to be happy. However, with the way things have been (with her constantly reaching out to me), why would she feel the need to call me and tell me she is with someone? I had the suspicion to begin with, which explains my lack of talking to her.

Hopefully I clarified my post better.

1) We split for the above reasons mentioned.

2) We still spoke, frequently, until the suspicion arose that she was likely seeing someone.

3) I hardly spoke to her, she would desperately seek contact with me.

4) Confirmed today she is seeing someone (months after I suspected 2))

Why would she do this? What would her motive be? To invoke jealousy of me? To see if I would "fight for her"? Help me out here ladies...

Originally posted by Still Naive?
reply to post by AQuestion

 

It would have hurt. I know what I did and what I said was wrong. I look at things in a new light now. She is beautiful and was / is everything I wanted in a woman. Hindsight is 20/20, always. I expressed this to her, as often as I could (without appearing desperate etc.) and she accepted what I said. My apologies and all.

However, with the circumstances of her jumping right back into a relationship or seeing someone, despite me correcting myself and clearing things up with her. That really shot things out of the window, which is why I became so distant. I've never been one to grovel and beg. I will apologize and admit when I'm wrong but I have a line in the sand that I myself will not cross. She knows how I feel and she still made a decision. Her reason for that decision is what I'm trying to figure out.

I do want her to be happy, I really do. If we never speak from this day forward, I can deal with that. It won't be easy by any means but I know I can do it. What worries me is that maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Then again, I feel assured to myself that I have. I took it to the point right before desperation. She knows me and she knows my sincerity. What also worries me is that she has jumped into this relationship and I will get that call 8 months from now to "see how I'm doing" at which point I will likely get rude out of hurt / grief I went through while she was doing whatever it is she was doing.

I know that I was in the wrong, and I've told her this, and apologized and made it crystal clear that I had my head in the sand. Yes, I agreed, we still needed time apart (I wanted to be 100% sure), which I am now. For a while, I felt she was ready for us to work things out, with how often she would call / e-mail.

Dear Still Naive?

I believe you are sorry and I believe you apologized. My ex is sorry and has also apologized and I have forgiven her; but, I cannot trust her, we already reconciled once. Did you see anyone while apart from her or even while you were with her? If she knows your sincerity then she knows when you told her she wasn't pretty enough that you meant it. How can she be sure that you wont change your mind again?

I recently discovered that my ex-wife had moved in with a guy (not the one she left me for, he dumped her as soon as she asked for the divorce). I found out because she called to ask me for my advice, turns out the new guy had knocked her down. I gave her the proper advice and told her to cease all communication with this guy and never be around him again (pretty standard recommendation for someone who has been abused). I also told her something simple, you see I was a good husband and never hit my wife), I told her that if she was going to see other people, she should at least try and find someone better than me, someone that would at least not hurt her and offered more. A month later she saw him again and he hit her again, she didn't take my advice. I believe she has finally left him for good.

You told her she was not good enough for you, she has now found others that believe she is good enough for them. You now believe she is good enough for you. What do you have that is better than what she can find, why should she go backwards? These questions may hurt you and that is not the intent. I gave my pitiful little story because I have been on the other end.

Originally posted by Still Naive?

She's called you but sometimes you'd turn your phone off because you didn't want to talk to her.

Due to the fact that I had a feeling she was seeing someone else, which she was. After this all happened, about me expressing my problems with our relationship, we still were very close. We spent most days together, living separately.

All in all, I never really said she did anything wrong. I do want her to be happy. However, with the way things have been (with her constantly reaching out to me), why would she feel the need to call me and tell me she is with someone? I had the suspicion to begin with, which explains my lack of talking to her.

Hopefully I clarified my post better.

Ok, well here's my advice:

You either want to get back together with her or you don't. If you do, then ask her real soon, before this other guy wins her heart. If you can't get past the fact the she dated other people during the break-up (if that is a deal-breaker for you) then getting back together with her is probably not a good idea. You would harbor resentment and that would be hard on the relationship. If you don't get back together and you don't want her to call you anymore, you need to let her know that too.

The main thing is, drop the ego about not wanting to sound like you are begging. Look, just be honest with her. If you can't do that, you won't have much of a relationship anyway.

I wish you the best. Be strong. Be brave. Speak from the heart.

Oh dear...How I see it,
the break up of your relationship was in your control. You were the driving force and you meant what you said at the time.
She on the other hand has acted exactly the way people react... they go for the assurance off others.
You are now not in control... She is..and now she has some backbone and assertiveness.
Women will always try and be friends with their ex's because that's what we do. We like peace and try to keep the aggro under control. Her letting you know that she has found someone else was a kick in the teeth to you after you made her feel worthless. See how this has panned out for you.
It's so easy to think that words spoken don't do any harm. Well for you it has and now you are confused.
I hope you will remember this lesson in life and next time keep your mouth shut and think before you speak.
The worst possible thing you can say to a woman is that you don't find them attractive enough. The damage that can do to a woman can be deep. And I'm afraid you have reaped the consequences of those words.

If you really want to know why she would tell you about the other guy, ask her. I'm sure she has some doubts about you after your first telling her she wasn't attractive enough. I wouldn't want to take that chance myself. In any case, it is her you should be talking to and getting the answers from. We can only speculate.

I guess some people are really misunderstanding what I'm asking, so I'll clarify one final time before dropping it altogether.

I want her to be happy, either with me, or without me. Yes, of course it bothers me some that she is seeing someone else. But why would I fret over something I have no control over? What bothers me the most out of all of this is the fact that she felt it necessary to call me and tell me today that she is seeing someone. It's not something I asked to know of. We had gone three weeks without speaking. I did not respond to her e-mails, or her phone calls, or her texts, or her calls to my family to get into touch with me.

I gave the entire story to paint the bigger picture, not to be ridiculed on the decisions I made. Please, answer the question I asked or refrain from posting (sussy....). I don't need your bitter resentment from one of your past break-ups extracted on me. I've learned a self taught lesson...I am not asking for a mother here. I'm simply asking for opinions regarding the questions I've asked. Thank you.

Why would she call me to tell me she is seeing someone? FEMALES - why would you do this to an ex? What would your motives be? Why would you jump back into a relationship so soon? Take into consideration that the person you were with, you were head over heels in love with. You wanted this person to marry you. Would it be comfort? Companionship? Do you think you could really fall for another person so soon?

This is what I am asking.

I apologize if my rambles made my posts convoluted, but these are the questions I am seeking answers to. I am trying to prepare myself for anything that may happen in the future. Either that is her and I never speaking again or that I should get a surprise phone-call from her months down the road because this was just a ploy at getting my attention, or some other motive...

I have no idea why the above paragraph is completely underlined, I cannot fix it. I apologize.

edit on 27-10-2012 by Still Naive? because: (no reason given)

edit on 27-10-2012 by Still Naive? because: (no reason given)