My boyfriend is not trying hard enough.

He lost his job seven months ago and I don't think he's looking hard enough. He seems to just sit around on the sofa playing video games and smoking all day, then he goes out with his friends all night, I guess. Actually Im not sure what he does at night.

He got some severance pay from his last job and he seems content to rely on this and government help plus some savings and maybe handouts from his parents. I'm not sure. We live together and split the expenses. He still manages to put up his half for rent but lately he's been "borrowing" more and more from me and getting me to pay for little extras. We never go out to dinner or real dates anymore but somehow he has enough cash to do whatever it is he does when he goes out with his buddies. And for beer and smokes of course.

I never see him working on job apps or going for interviews or even studying some skill on his own. If he did these things id feel better. I know the job market is bad now but he seems to have given up trying. When I bring up the topic he either gets all huffy and starts rolling his eyes, or tells me "you're my girlfriend not my mother so stop nagging." Or else he says we will "talk about it later" which never happens.

He can be very sweet and has a good heart, but....Is my BF a loser?

I would say lazy. Maybe he needs a little help finding a job?

reply to post by KarensHoliday


Everyone will give you a different reply. When it comes to relationships, you two should be the ones talking.

Originally posted by KarensHoliday
He still manages to put up his half for rent but lately he's been "borrowing" more and more from me and getting me to pay for little extras. We never go out to dinner or real dates anymore but somehow he has enough cash to do whatever it is he does when he goes out with his buddies. And for beer and smokes of course.

Not a good sign. If this doesnt change quickly, you might have a problem on your hands. He may simply be depressed with no luck in the current job market but he is dangerously close to the line of loserdom. Be up front is my advice. Time to start making serious steps to putting his life back together.

reply to post by KarensHoliday


It pains me whenever I feel a need to give advice that I think will end up hurting anyone. But, honestly, in the situation you're in, somebody will probably end up hurt anyway.

My advice? Sit him down, give him a reasonable time limit ( say a month ) to find work. And, during that month, don't make life easy on him. I am not saying make it Hell. But, for example, if you buy his smokes, or sodas, or whatever he's into? Do so less frequently so that he can jones a bit. That will motivate him - even if it also makes him throw a tantrum.

Let him get too comfy and you'll just end up playing the role of mommy and he'll revert to a naughty teenager. I've seen it happen many times.

Best of luck to you both.

~Heff

Seven months??? the market isn't that bad my friend.

If you are in the U.S. you could suggest to him some Temp agencies in your area, i have found some really great jobs over the years through the systems they offer.

If hes not willing to even get what he would consider a demeaning job than hes gotten used to the laziness and the longer you wait the bigger the shock your going to have to give him to wake up.

Just my opinion, hope it works out!

i can say confidently from the information you've provided, from my experience (unfortunately!) that yes, he is a loser. and i dont think you should put up with it. there are plenty of guys who are kind with good hearts who are financially stable....i dated a guy like yours for two years...i hope in the future you don't regret it like i did :/

Originally posted by underduck

Originally posted by KarensHoliday
He still manages to put up his half for rent but lately he's been "borrowing" more and more from me and getting me to pay for little extras. We never go out to dinner or real dates anymore but somehow he has enough cash to do whatever it is he does when he goes out with his buddies. And for beer and smokes of course.

Not a good sign. If this doesnt change quickly, you might have a problem on your hands. He may simply be depressed with no luck in the current job market but he is dangerously close to the line of loserdom. Be up front is my advice. Time to start making serious steps to putting his life back together.

So you're saying that someone has to start taking steps to start putting someone ELSES life back together?

If you don't see how that is doomed to fail then people are becoming more controlling that I've feared.

Days pass and turn into weeks when we don't even speak
We just lay wide awake And pretend we're asleep
And you go home alone And your checking your phone
And you're looking at me Like I'm Something You Own

I won't hear one more word about changing

Guess what I am the same man

same man I've always been

My girlfriend tells me about her ex-boyfriend who had no desire to work and borrowed from his parents. Pretty pathetic.

And I'm not trying to tell you what to do OP...but I would never lay around the house, let my girl work and not let her know what I'm doing without her every night. Video games and smoking are ok but not if you can't get your lazy ass out the front door to earn a living, and not if you treat your girlfriend that way.

Sounds like you're dating a teenager

I want to say that I hope your boyfriend is just going through a phase right now and will snap out of it soon. But, unfortunately, their are occasions where people are just "lazy". I have met some of these people before, and know some of their partners are still with them regardless. I think the main thing you should ask yourself is, besides this current funk, are you happy. If yes, you will be able to get through this, just talk to him about how his decision is effecting you mentally. If their is enough love and understanding between you two, hopefully this will resolve the problem. If not... well then its a whole new scenario and new problems that should be dealt with.

Some pretty rough comments toward him I can see why but ask yourself this?

Who is stupider, the lazy unmotivated couch potatoe, or the person who is dating him?

reply to post by corvuscorrax


Things happen. Just because someone hits a rough patch doesnt mean they are a lost cause. Just saying that if the OP is to the point of asking our advice, it is time to address the situation directly.

I am not the same man I was 10 years ago.

reply to post by KarensHoliday


Your bf is a lazy loser that doesn't appreciate you at all, trust me i know, i use to be that sort of man..8 years ago.

But obviously you still love him, so i say sit him down have a very good talk about this situation, if that doesn't happen, put your foot down and show him that you are "slipping" away so to speak. If that fails, well.. im sure you know what to do.

Are there finances involved beyond what you've mentioned? For instance, if he stops paying his share of the rent, are you tied into a long lease requiring you to pay the whole amount? Are there vehicle payments you might have co-signed for? Are the bank accounts either joint or in his name?

If this breaks up, you could be hurt financially as well as emotionally.

Originally posted by corvuscorrax
Some pretty rough comments toward him I can see why but ask yourself this?

Who is stupider, the lazy unmotivated couch potatoe, or the person who is dating him?

The lazy unmotivated couch potato

reply to post by Hawking


i agree.

But men who do these things aren't lost, just deluded and in need of waking up.

In nature it would be the opposite, if you sat around all day you would become skinny, malnourished, sick, cold and eventually would die. Now when you sit around all day, you become fatter, warmer, more lethargic and are happy and content.

reply to post by KarensHoliday


My first reading tended to focus on the same thing I think everyone else has. Laziness and money. But I revisited your OP and realized that, for you, it isn't the money. It is the neglect, lack of attention, and lack of appreciation.

Am I right?

The guy being lazy is one thing. But to take you for granted and make you feel unappreciated and probably uncared for? That is the real problem. And, honestly, if he's acting that way now - at a time when he should be showing extra appreciation and trying to help around the house more and to make you feel better about things?

It's not a good indicator of things to come.

You deserve to be treated with more respect and caring than that.

~Heff

Originally posted by KarensHoliday

He can be very sweet and has a good heart, but....Is my BF a loser?

You haven't given enough information for any of us to know the answer to that, I could go on to list info that would be nice. Length of relation ship, previous work history, etc, but honestly it wouldn't really matter.

Only you know if he is or not, but you already know or you wouldn't be asking otherwise.

None of us on here know enough about him or you to give you any real advice, all we will end up doing is giving you opinions, which you will use to fit into what you have already decided.

Sometimes though we need others consensus to tell us what we already know.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I will look at two posts in particular.

Originally posted by charles1952
Are there finances involved beyond what you've mentioned? For instance, if he stops paying his share of the rent, are you tied into a long lease requiring you to pay the whole amount? Are there vehicle payments you might have co-signed for? Are the bank accounts either joint or in his name?

If this breaks up, you could be hurt financially as well as emotionally.

Th only real problem might be the rental lease for our apartment but I think we could get out of it pretty quick if we had to. Of course I'm hoping we don't have to.

Originally posted by Hefficide
reply to post by KarensHoliday

 

My first reading tended to focus on the same thing I think everyone else has. Laziness and money. But I revisited your OP and realized that, for you, it isn't the money. It is the neglect, lack of attention, and lack of appreciation.

Am I right?

The guy being lazy is one thing. But to take you for granted and make you feel unappreciated and probably uncared for? That is the real problem. And, honestly, if he's acting that way now - at a time when he should be showing extra appreciation and trying to help around the house more and to make you feel better about things?

It's not a good indicator of things to come.

You deserve to be treated with more respect and caring than that.

~Heff

I guess it's a bit of both. Its not purely money. If I thought he was trying everything possible I'd be more apt to put up with the situation. It's the lack of effort that bothers me, more than the lack of results per se.

I don't feel he's inconsiderate to me emotionally so much as I worry about what this says about his character. Living together is a big step and I kind of went into it with the idea it could lead even further. But if he can't handle the basic mechanisms of work and responsibility what does that say about the long term prospects for him as a life partner?

It's hard to know what his deal really is without actually knowing everything he does, but:

Looking for work really isn't that difficult or time consuming. Actually getting selected for an interview takes time.

When I was looking for work, there was probably 4-5 places I applied for that actually have you COME IN to fill out an application. The vast, vast majority either have you just fill out an application online, or send them your resume via email. Then you wait. I know I contacted at LEAST 4-5 hundred different places when I was out of work, and it took up a very small portion of my day.

There only so many jobs available. If he has sent in his resume or filled out an online application for all the jobs he is qualified for, what else do you expect him to do?

The old fashioned idea of hassling a potential employer with daily phone calls and walking in every day asking to see a manager doesn't work anymore, for a lot of people. I don't know what line of work your partner is in, but in mine most job listings said specifically to NOT call them. At first I thought this was a test to see who the real motivated people were. After I got chewed out by scores of HR ladies I realized they really DON'T want you to call. If they get 200 applications for a position, which odds are they probably are, if all 200 people call them daily and constantly show up at the work location asking about their application it's going to be a madhouse.

This may not be true for all professions, but in mine, it was. It's a wait and see game. Show them your interested and qualified, and then it's quite literally out of your hands. You can't do anything about it.

Like I said I applied to tons of jobs and spent very little time each day doing so, because after a little while of firing off resumes and applications you run out of jobs in your area that you are qualified for. Then you have nothing else left to do but wait.

Unless you want him to relocate, are you willing to give up YOUR job (if you have one, I'm assuming you do) in order to relocate and move to where there are finer pastures? Then if the tables turn and you are unable to find work in your new locale and he has a job would you want him to dump you?

Just trying to get you to see it from another perspective. I'm not really defending him as I don't know if he really is just not putting any effort forth, or if you just don't realize he is doing what he can given his situation.

Stay put and continue to play the waiting game getting a job in your field. Give up getting a job in your field, and learn new skills, which is also going to take time and odds are, cost more money than simply being unemployed would. Or relocate to a place where your skill set is more appreciated. Those are his options. Think about the effect on you and your relationship with each of those options. Try to find out if he is really looking for work or just goofing off. Because it's pretty easy to LOOK like your not doing anything when in actuality you are applying for every available job you are qualified for in your location.

Think also about what makes you happy. Do you love this guy? Did you get with him for money or because you want to be with him? Unless his financial situation is dragging you down enough that you'll be on the streets or going hungry or something like that, and you actually care for him, why not give him some time?

Just food for thought....