i need help dealing with anger issues

If I might interject a comment here. I may be on or I may be 120% off base here. It's hard to say because it's impossible to precisely explain what I'm talking about. However, for those who see it or feel it...it's recognizable enough.

You mention anger and unfocused, but widely felt. Almost as if you're describing anger existing for it's own sake and LOOKING for a reason to expand, not anger coming as a reaction TO something that has already happened.

I'm no doctor... don't pretend to be and don't want to be. I just know this. In the last few years and the last 18 months specifically, I've seen people I've known all my life take on a hard and hostile edge to ...their personality is the best description. It's not focused enough to put it better. Just a general aggression and hostility level that is always there now...and never far from being provoked in several examples. Headlines we see show the 'Hollywood Crazy' type rage crimes with no logic and no sense made even after one is taken alive. I don't recall seeing quite those kinds of things at all, growing up. I sure didn't see the 'quick to anger/quick to fight' reactions around in general public the way I do now....from grocery store lines to road rage and big cities to little towns around here.

Finally, I'll admit I've felt hostility and anger come and go at various times and especially the last year to year and a half...that almost doesn't feel like me. This is where it's almost impossible to explain but someone who knows what I mean lights up like a christmas tree with recognition. If someone here tried Chantix to quit smoking, you'll know what I mean...but it's that feeling of anger misplaced and looking for purpose without the chemical/drug like Chantix to cause it? Almost like it's coming from an outside source? I dunno... I wish I could word it better in asking if this is similar?

Anyway... I wanted to share some thoughts...as your OP sounds so much like what I think a lot of us see and hear these days. Personally, I think the fact you are self-aware and 'sane' enough to self-evaluate and SEE there is not only a problem, but the need to do something is better than half the battle. It means you can catch and stop your anger likely where others would ride it like a horse. Just my thoughts...

Hello friend.

You say you are angry about..... a lot of things. Well, the first thing to tell you - and this is the good news - your probably not. Sound stupid? OK, it sounds stupid But stick with me.

Somewhere, there is something you are not looking at. Something inside you which you are angry about. Something you think you can't change, or perhaps really can't change. Something in your life. There are things we are all angry about, never ending war, the collapsing economy, but I don't feel these are the cause of your anger. But you are like a big bath full of anger, and it only takes the slightest thing to make that anger spill over.

So what are you going to do about it?

You need to take out the anger and look at it, face it head on, stare it in the eye, get to know it. Feel it. If you can get out on your own somewhere, in a big park, out in the country, then do that. Then allow yourself to get angry. Really. Allow that anger to bubble up, feel it, don't suppress it any more. Get to know it. Start feeling what it actually feels like, analyse it. Realise that there is something in you which is the beginning of this anger. Cry! let it out. For as long as you need. And it will pass. You will start deflating, coming down from that high angry place, feel your body relax. feel that worn out empty feeling as the anger leaves you. Try and look into that space and start thinking about where the anger comes from. What is it that is the cause of it all? What in your past are you angry about. Is it still reasonable to be angry all this time later? Can you put it into perspective?

Maybe you'll find that there is no longer any need to carry that anger around with you any more. Perhaps you'll find there is something you can do, something you can change which will help you get over the anger. You might find that just realising where your anger comes from will stop it from just bubbling away under the surface all the time, so you will find you naturally get less angry in all those other situation, or stop getting angry at all?

My overly long winded point, I think, is that it is not all those little things that make you angry - they just trigger the anger which is already there. By solving the original issue, you get rid of that anger.

Yes. Meditation will help you a lot. But it needs to be focused. Perhaps if you don't have a safe place to do the above exercise then meditating on the source of the anger will be a benefit to you. Perhaps you could do both... Identify the source of the anger. Meditate on that, put it into perspective. Take away it's power. Everything else will fall in to place.

If you need help finding out where the anger comes from let me know in a few days time. I might be able to help you find out. But I have the feeling you will know what I am talking about.

Peace, love and light

Your Friend

reply to post by lonewolf10


Anger comes from pain.

Step one:

What PAINFUL message did you receive from your parents (or someone else in your youth or from a traumatic experience in your youth) that is underlying the anger you feel today? Really put some thought into it. Think about your childhood (it's where most of us get our "damage") and explore what hurt you so much that you are angry about it today. And then you can take the next step. First, find the message.

For example, my problems originate around my father's physical abuse. The message was "You are not lovable". Right or wrong, true or false, that is the message I got from my father beating me and my mother not protecting me from him. If you can find the message, you can move forward with the next important question.

I had some of the same problems.

Take a deep breath, and forgive those who have wronged you.

Then, and this is the hardest part, forgive your self for the things you have done wrong to yourself and others.

When you forgive others it releases you from thinking about it all the time, and when you do think about it you have a different feeling, almost a disconnect from it.

You cannot move on, and will be stuck in the past until you forgive yourself.

I hope this helps you, it literally fixed me emotionally.

reply to post by lonewolf10


I think anger and depression are the same thing, you need to learn how to channel your anger in a positive way, exercise for example, mediation, learn better coping skills, yes life can make us angry and depressed, life is full of disappointment, be a survivor.

A close friend or confidant, someone to share your feelings with, just expressing your feeling on the forum may be helpful.

Also I find reaching out to help others, volunteer to help others that are suffering.

Helping others takes you outsides of your own head. Makes you feel better about yourself.

Originally posted by KaiserSoze
You just need to find a constructive way to release that anger, cleaning works well for me. Just the other day my wife commented, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?" "I clean the toilet." I said. So she then asks me, "How does that help?" "I use your toothbrush." I replied.

LMAO!!! I love that joke

Originally posted by KaiserSoze
You just need to find a constructive way to release that anger, cleaning works well for me. Just the other day my wife commented, "You never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?" "I clean the toilet." I said. So she then asks me, "How does that help?" "I use your toothbrush." I replied.

Cleaning is very Zen.

reply to post by lonewolf10

I don't know if you already know what hand mudras are but there's a very drastic one to remove all negative thoughts and induce well-being:


I don't know the name of this particular mudra but a picture is worth a thousand words. Performing this mudra 20 minutes everyday should suffice.

I can already hear "what the # is he talking about?" but try it.

Well done on admitting that you have anger issues that need to be dealt with. Getting somebody to admit this is not an easy task and you should feel good about that. Now you are free to move on to the next step, which is addressing the problem.

Here are some basic anger management terms to keep in mind:

Triggers: what are some of the things that make you feel stressed and angry?
Signals: which physical and mental symptoms indicate that you are getting angry?
Release: what activities help you calm down and feel less angry?
Resolution: using past experiences as a guide, how will you better prepare for angry episodes in the future?

With a mind that is clear and free from anger, consider these four terms and reflect on the ways you can help reduce the effects of stress in your life.

The biggest advice I could give you is just to breathe, just breathe. Close your eyes, take deep breaths....in and out. Open your eyes, realize your anger, accept it.....and say.....fck it....and move a long. This is what I did. Now I'm a goofy man and think everyone's stupid and funny works like a charm lol

reply to post by lonewolf10


I have the same problem, it just became worse around two days ago. You can use all that anger to your advantage, it's a hunger within you..and now is the time to work harder than ever and focus on what you need to accomplish. I know what it feels like to be a 'have not' and watch everyone else from the outside as they take for granted what I always wanted.

Keep in mind that some fights are not worth it, there's no need to have petty arguments with people over silly subjects like entertainment, sports and politics. At times you have to learn to deal with it, you can't change the world..but you can change your mentality and lifestyle.

Originally posted by lonewolf10

As a fellow rage-a-holic, I recommend solitude.

But I'm curious, have you noticed street lights or other lights going out when you're around and angry?

I too, would like to commend you for admitting that you have an anger issue! That is the very first step to healing yourself. At only 12 years old, I was so depressed and angry at the world that I tried to take my own life. Thankfully, I am still alive today. What is acceptable, is the fact that we have anger. What is not acceptable is how we represent that anger. It all has to do with impulse control and not physically acting on it unless it is in a positive way.

After many years suffering with such fiery anger, I learned how to cope. This is what I ask you to do. Although we cannot see anger, it truly is as real as you are. There are two energies that dwell in our minds, one is a positive force, while the other is negative. I like to explain it like this:

Imagine a fish tank full of both gold fish and minnows. Let's say the gold fish are positive energies and the minnows are negative. In your tank(mind), there are hundreds of minnows, but only four gold fish. Since these breeds stick with their own, obviously, everytime you reach into that tank, it is more likely than not that you will end up catching the minnows(negative energy) but not the gold fish(positive energy). This is why your reactions everyday are always consisting with anger.

So how do you fill the tank with more gold fish to balance it all out? It is simple really. The more positive things you do, say and watch, the more you will fill your mind with positive energies. Each day you practice this concept, the more gold fish you will have in the tank. Over time, your gold fish over run the minnows, your mind will be filled with positive energies and will overrun the negative. Your negative reactions to anger and your anger will diminish drastically. This worked for me!

Let me explain how I got over these anger issues. First, I began thinking about the good things in my life. I had my health, a home and friends. Second, avoid others who are always negative. Negative energy is so powerful, it WILL bring you back to where you started. Third, I frequently go on youtube and watch America's Funniest video's, and many other videos I can find online. I rent comedy movies, I try to joke about every situation I come across.

Another great thing to do and I feel is the most important, Help others and expect nothing in return. I cannot tell you how great I feel going shopping for gifts for needy children. I take my children to local shelters and we pass out gifts to kids. The smiles on their face gives us a rush of joy and it makes us feel good about ourselves.

Finally, accept anger and realize that it is a normal part of being human. It isn't a bad thing as long as you direct it in a positive direction. If you feel you need therapy, do not hesitate to go. You will learn a lot about yourself. You may even figure out what is causing it. Sometimes, we just need to let go of the past and accept the wrongs that were done against us. Remember, noone can make you angry! Only you have the power to ALLOW others to anger you.

Goooooosssssfraba

I really agree with all the comments, suggestions and such on here. But sometimes you need professional help and maybe medication may be in order. I am not an advocate of mass medication for an itch but there are cases where medication is truly needed. The fact that your anger is activated by anything, anyone and nothing indicates that there is a more serious situation. I suggest you meet with a professional to help determine your needs. Relieving that anger will bring you a feeling of such relief. You need to be a functioning person, not someone who is wallowing in the depression and anger. It's not enough to sing the "Don't worry, be happy" song. Some people need a bit more. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek professional help. Help yourself, by doing so, you will help those around you.

I agree with Sublimecraft - Martial arts is really helpful for this. The physical activity will help release the adrenaline and the discipline will help you learn to focus. It also builds confidence and has a bunch of other positive effects I can't easily explain. It helped my son who had problems with this, and do did (believe it or not) chess.

Originally posted by lonewolf10
ive always had an anger problem but its getting worse.

i'm angry about things i dont have, work that i dont have, experiences that i haven't had, things that i regret, i'm even angry at people that are happy and think of them as stupid for being so happy.

no one wants to be around me, and when they are, they are uncomfortable.

i'm angry about how people have wronged me and i cant seem to let it go.

i know that we are supposed to focus on the present moment and be greatful for what we have, not what we dont have, but his eludes me.my mind is always running full throttle.
i guess i need to get into meditation or give myself an ice pick lobotomy.

if ya'll can recommend any sites or advise that can help, i would sure appreciate it.

Wow sounds a little like me. Okay I'd hate to think I'm that bad. But I'm sure you just posted that at your worst, not how things always are.

But here's what I realized.....

First I sometimes, especially recently been thinking much the same way. But what you got to do is I think realize 3 things:

1) Like the old poem goes "life is made for joe and woe and when this we rightly know, threw the world we safely go..." Basically it's just saying that life is never ever meant to be always happy or always pain free. Life is full of problems. Without pain we wouldn't know what joy or pleasure is. So life is always gonna have pain.

2) Embrace both the pain of the circumstance as well as yourself. So if things are bad, don't resist it. Just embrace it. Just sort of think like "okay I'm going to take all the greif of this in and maybe it will teach me something, if not at very least it will condition me to make me a stronger person". And embrace yourself. So you think "okay I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. I'm just going to accept myself for my strength and weaknesses, the good in me and the bad. It's easy to accept the good. But just learn to embrace the faults you have too. Just sort of think like "I nor anyone else is perfect, we all have problems, I'm just gonna accept myself for what God made me. For the good and the bad."

3) Know that you can work on changing everything. Don't think so much. Just go do something. You don't even have to do a lot. Just one small action every day and in say for example a year you could do some monumental things. Like just the simplest easiest actions. So I'll tell you what I'm doing for example purposes... I go onto a dating site and I just message 10 people a day. that's it. And see who gets back to me. And enough do that you start to meet new people. There's this site meetup dot com where you can also join groups of people with similar interests in your town or city. Join that and go to some group meetings, that's a great way to meet people. I started a new small online business. Just chipping away at it, one tiny step at a time. Doing like one thing a day to get it moving forward. Start a workout routine again, it could be as simple as doing one muscle group per day with dumbbells, that takes you all of 1 minute to complete. Then by the end of the week you can do like almost a full body workout in no time flat. So again just don't think about it, just focus on getting out of the endless worrying and thinking by TAKING ACTION. Nothing will change unless you take some action. Also last but not least practice mental conditioning, like saying positive affirmations about yourself. And even prayer which I think is the fastest way to see positive results.

Anyway, look your not alone. Most everyone goes threw a depressing time in there life. It's no big deal at all. Even if you do nothing, as time goes by generally situations improve on there very own. Like the old saying goes "time heals old wounds". I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it. Just keep active and embrace who you are, even your anger. Just accept who you are, so you get angry so what. I wish I could get angry more often, part of my problem is I'm too passive in life. It's good to be able to assert yourself and get mad from time to time. We wouldn't have that skill or emotion if it wasn't useful in a lot of circumstances. Sorry if I talked your ear off. Good luck.

Read these two books:

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

The Fifth Discipline by Peter Senge

The first book is about perception and choice.

The second book is about systems thinking.

A quick synapse based on OP:

You are the balancing process. Your perception is the reinforcing process. You make the choice to feel a certain way. We are not products of our environments or experiences unless we choose to be. I know this is hard to swallow, but please read those two books they will help you.

Good luck.

reply to post by gwynnhwyfar


Martial arts does help, but only to a certain extent..getting out the anger. After the session when you're heading back home, the anger then turns into depression or an emptiness, then again..maybe that's only in my case. You need to find out what exactly is causing your anger issues and find a solution.

reply to post by lonewolf10


Be angry! But sin not.