Would This Be Wrong?

If all of your relationships (both male and female, friends etc) are with people who naturally and automatically know their job isn't to try to change you or to control you and that it's a 'give & take' and not one-sided ... and that of course, there will be times when power or control needs to shift and one person needs to take or get more than the other, depending on needs and circumstances, and vice-versa (it cannot possibly always be 50/50) etc. there's really no need to cover any rules unless we are hiring someone for a job or to do some work/tasks for us.

This kind of an approach actually attracts Narcissists because they see this as a game or contest which they thrive upon ... and inspiring drama which is what they live for --"Okay we'll see who wins this one -- ha-ha."

A normal person doesn't have any of the signs of Narcissism and they will walk away (or run like Hell) because they will be insulted and hurt that you assumed they were going to do something they never had any intentions or desire to do and that would also be completely out-of-character for them. So, you don't want to (unknowingly) be pushing decent normal people out of your life, while attracting disordered Narcissists.

On another note, as mentioned, sometimes, circumstances in a relationship demands that the power or the control has to shift a bit and one person may occasionally need to exercise more power over the other. So, realistically, the power cannot always be 50/50 @ 100% of the time.

But, if a person has control and entitlement issues that's a real big red flag you never want to ignore.

Look for patterns -- not a once-in-a-great-while behavior. Abuse of power and/or serious control and jealousy and entitlement issues are very characteristic of this emotional disorder for which there is no treatment and that does not just go away or get better with time or age. Serious control issues where you see a pattern (and not a once-in-a-great-while occurrence) screams of Narcissism.

Narcissists try to change who we are, and certainly not for the better -- always for the worse. The changes are usually very subtle, covert and very gradual so we're barely aware it's happening. But, you will know when you start becoming something (considerably more negative than positive) that you never thought you could become and where 'the new you' has negatively affected and impacted a few of your other close relationships.

In other words, you slowly start losing some of your good personality traits as they become replaced with negative traits. That's the Narcissist's typical M.O. ... to try to transform a good, positive, normal person into an anxious, angry, defensive person.

Narcissists also enjoy creating drama that can break-up families or cause a rift or drive a wedge between two family members so that they can gain more control because they are major controllers who also enjoy drama.

In the workplace, all Narcissists micro-manage their employees. A micro-manager almost always has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD.

Approaching a relationship with a predetermined 'set of rules' implies doubt and mistrust ... "I don't think this comes naturally to you, and so before you try to change me, let me tell you it's not going to happen" ... and so on. A normal person experiences this as an insult. But, a narcissist will surely take this on as a welcome challenge and spin you around.

So, the point is, by verbalizing these rules, instead of learning what the person is all about, you are actually much more likely to attract Narcissists into your life. But, if you learn what they're all about and what is underneath you won't need to provide rules. If they're not controlling, etc you can move forward -- and if they are controlling, jealous, immature then let the relationship quickly fizzle out and move on. But, with NPDers you don't ever want to confront them, put them in their place or set rules/boundaries - just get rid of them instead.

Everyone needs to set their terms and conditions for a relationship, but it should happen naturally and slowly ...when we do this too soon or too quickly or abruptly and present a Narcissist with rules they see it as a challenge they can' t refuse and it initiates a game that you won't know was being played until it's too late. When we put them in their place it will set a game/contest in motion where they have to be the winner, which means you will lose. You don't ever want to go there with them. They are not normal people.

It also screams of ... "Guilty before proven innocent."

My suggestion as previously mentioned -- Know all of the '12 signs of Narcissism' and don't ignore or deny them when you see them and you won't have a problem. Never confront the Narcissist about their disorder or their behaviors -- just get out of the relationship. If you try to reason with them they will take you down. Just get out -- don't confront their disorder, don't point out their ugly behaviors, don't try to fix them. Hope that helps.

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


s & f because this is just adorable ...

"#3 Allow me to be myself and let me express myself in my own way.

The first thing I thought of is your avatar pic and you coming to the dinner table in costume

She is getting off easy...just for kicks I would have added to the rules there is a 90 day probationary period.

Good for you! A guy with standards. No one likes a doormat, male or female.

reply to post by EvilSadamClone

I'm sorry, this doesn't really help. I was looking for specific examples of how they could resolve these kinds of issues, and what could be said to resolve them in the best way possible for both people. What you gave me was kind of vague,

Here is an example. Because I wake up earlier than my guy, I normally have coffee already made. He got used to this. Two months later, I was sick and woke up late and he was already up and was all "pissy" because he had to make his own coffee. I just called him out on it. I said do you want to make your coffee every morning from now on? He never complained again in fact, if I do wake up late (very unusual) he will even bring me a cup of coffee. This works both ways, if your girl is taking you for granted, call it out. Honesty is the best policy.

The clothes thing... I picked a guy who already knew how to dress good.... why pick a slob if you don't want one?
The visual stuff is easy.

Mutual respect.

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone
So, would it be wrong to have those rules?

Not at all. These rules should be a given, and anyone who behaves like your friend's girlfriend is someone who I wouldn't want to deal with in the slightest. I can't tolerate disrespect.

Adding to that, most of my loved family members have been in abusive relationships at some point or another. By now I'm so sick of it that I respect others and demand it in return, unless I've done something to lose that person's respect.

So, no. Good for you for laying down boundaries.