Convince Us Why Marriage is Worthwhile

reply to post by Realtruth
Don't misunderstand real I am happily married for many years and my postings I hope also convey a little humour, but I have seen many of the things I described in my original reply happen to the unwary so I therefore feel compelled to put this knowledge out there

Originally posted by beezzer

Marriage is work. It takes an effort to maintain a relationship. After over two decades with my bride, I can say that they have been awesome. But we never quit dating each other. We always work (even when we're tired) at making sure that the other is paid attention to.

Just my humble opinion.

I think this is a great point to bring up beezzer, because this "work" is something most people do not want these days especially after working long hours every week, month, year.

It seems that people are so stressed from the rigors of life, work and family that they feel that ending a relationship/marriage.

- Checklist -

1) Career is work

2) Marriage is work

3) Family/Children are work

4) Household is work

Conclusion.................doesn't leave much time for a couple to connect, or reconnect.

Originally posted by Realtruth

Originally posted by beezzer

Marriage is work. It takes an effort to maintain a relationship. After over two decades with my bride, I can say that they have been awesome. But we never quit dating each other. We always work (even when we're tired) at making sure that the other is paid attention to.

Just my humble opinion.

I think this is a great point to bring up beezzer, because this "work" is something most people do not want these days especially after working long hours every week, month, year.

It seems that people are so stressed from the rigors of life, work and family that they feel that ending a relationship/marriage.

- Checklist -

1) Career is work

2) Marriage is work

3) Family/Children are work

4) Household is work

Conclusion.................doesn't leave much time for a couple to connect, or reconnect.

edit on 9-9-2012 by Realtruth because: (no reason given)

But you can connect! Just because it takes an effort (and yes, I called it work) doesn't mean its a bad thing. Work is actually a positive activity. Depending on what it is and what you do;
Work is an effort that is rewarded. Either through the activity or as a result.

Originally posted by beezzer

But you can connect! Just because it takes an effort (and yes, I called it work) doesn't mean its a bad thing. Work is actually a positive activity. Depending on what it is and what you do;
Work is an effort that is rewarded. Either through the activity or as a result.

Another excellent point and thanks for the insightful response.

Connecting with the other person is IMO the cusp of a relationship.

Hi, im female, aged 40, marriage for me is not "work" it comes pretty easy, mabye im just lucky. im from Scotland but went to Las Vegas to get married in 1997, for all i know my marriage isnt even legal in this country after all those years, but who cares. I lived with my husband for 7 years before we decided to get married, which i think helped alot. I've seen couples spend thousands of pounds on weddings only for them to divorce years later. Its all just silly money now, all for show, see who can have the best wedding, that money could be spent on giving them a good start in their marriage but nooo, weddings are big business. All that said, if i didn't go to Vegas i wouldn't have got married i don't think, its all alot of rubbish to me, I was going to Vegas for the holiday and we just decided to throw in the wedding while we were there. I agree its just a piece of paper and it means nothing. I suppose for someone who is religious its the right thing for them, and thats fine by me, each to their own.

First and only marriage: 31 years here: $33 for the justice o' the peace; we are a "TEAM" and committed to each other.This built in support system creates STABILITY. This stability has enabled us to successfully raise two kids through college age;survive various cancer attacks and job losses to payoff our house,credit cards kids tuition(s) and vehicles. It and "living within your means" are the the key to"winning" this game...

We did not trade houses or spouses flippantly like so much of society.

It is not easy everyday;but it is well worth it (personally,financially and socially)in the lifetime over view. Yeah I still love her.

The fact this is even in question is beyond me; in fact on the street where I grew up there was ONE;I.E. a single "broken" home and that family was stigmatized: their mom and dad were "divorced"!
It was not common in the1960's. But evidence of the general downward trend of society.

Today my kids friends mom's have multiple boyfriends and "baby daddies" It's foolish destructive behavior and beyond Dysfunctional.

reply to post by yeahright
Can't give you two stars(tried)but you nailed it exactly.better than I could say it. and made it applicable.

reply to post by Undeadlady


I am another happily married woman. I have been with my husband now for 20 years. We have been married the last 10 of those 20. I was in no rush to get married, I loved my man dearly and did not want to be with anyone but him, still- no rush. As we started getting older, practicality set in and since he was my best friend, my lover, all of the best things in my life, we went ahead and got married. It worked out great for all kinds of reasons. That marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, but try to handle some legal issues with out it. My hubby had to have back surgery and with out the little piece of paper, I would have had no say in what happened to him if the surgery went wrong. I have seen too many couples rush into marriage or marry for the wrong reason. I am glad I waited and got to know the man I will spend the rest of my life with.

I have a theory...

I think the high number of divorce is directly related to amount of partners people have had before settling down.... the person will have doubts and other feeling they picked up from previous relationships.

Now i got that off my chest..

I think Marriage is very important for good physical and mental well being, of course, trust should be very important in order for this to work. Sharing joy and sorrow with someone else is very good for your well being..

When im lost to how things "suppose" to be, i use to look at how animals live... i used to think marriage is a man made things(as in a pair living together till they die) but then i started seeing some animals and bird that have the same partner for life and even some kill them self if the partner is dead...

Not married yet... around the corner perhaps

reply to post by Realtruth


Well, your question of why people can't just live/stay together without the religious aspect and the civil contract...they can, and many do. My wife and I wanted to get married. We also wanted to have an un-necessary reception to treat and celebrate with our friends and family in a big way.

Some people just want to quietly get married in a courtroom, and have no party to celebrate. Why? I don't know, maybe they're not big on friends and family. Anyhow, no part of the entire thing felt like something we "had to do", or were "expected to do" - it was all just things we were very happy to be able to do.

Huge moment(s) / event of our lives, and we wanted to make a big deal of it. We wanted to get married instead of just being live-in "unofficial" partners. The religious ceremony was a big deal too - we wanted that overlay and that level of importance imparted to it, as it was that big of a deal to us.

I agree that many people get married who shouldn't, which is why the divorce rate is as high as it is. Of 20 friend-couples whose weddings i've been to, or been in, I predicted divorce for 3 of them only. 2 of those 3 have so far, none of the other 17. I think its usually pretty obvious that people will end in divorce the minute they announce their intent to marry.

Considering that I consider 90% of the population to be too dumb to survive if we didn't have modern handicaps making survival easier, i'm almost shocked the numbers for divorce are as low as they are.

I think it entirely depends on who the other person is. 2nd marriage for me.

I feel like I did it right this time, it will be 15 years in December. Hard to say what will happen tomorrow though. I can't convince anyone to get married. To each his own.

I appreciate all of the insightful comments from both men and women that are married.

I think when both people are truly committed to each other then a marriage will work, unfortunately many people give in way to easily these days.

Another answer from a female.

Growing up, I never thought I would ever get married. Most of my family members were married or in lifelong common-law marriages. (For example -My aunt and uncle got married finally after 26 years together.)
However what was important was the stable, long term relationships. We are not religious.

Hence, there was little pressure for me to go walk down the aisle.

My husband and I married after a long engagement and 7 years together. We have been married for a year.
Has much changed? No. But I love being able to call him my husband. We are still happy.

I definatly agree that people should wait until they are over 25 and have lived together for a long time before they take that step. But marriage isn't a negative thing, like many a bitter, hurt man who has had everything ripped out from under him would like others to think it is.(Though I can sympathize)

It's not easy, and it's not something you just enter into because you want to wear the dress and ring.
That being said, I will never go through the stress of a wedding ever again.

The thing is, I do not understand the idea of "love". Why do you enjoy being with a person so much, you want them with you forever? Logic tells us it will get boring after a while.

Waste of money, time and effort. I can’t see the reason why you should stay with someone until death comes to one of you. What reason do you have? I, for one, think the idea of love is stupid to no limits. I am sorry but that is how I see it. As a useless, benefit-less waste of money and time. A ring made out of some stupid pricey rock? Why do you need that to show your love? Because I have a lot of dirt to sell and you might as well buy it. A wedding? What does that accomplish? All I see is things being wasted, mixed with a ton of illogical actions that gives us nothing back.

If it has not logic in it, why do it? Of course, I know not everything is hard facts and some things require faith/hope, I am not an idiot to ignore spirituality but I will never be a slave for spirituality. So, unless I am proven wrong, which happenes quite a lot to say the truth, I am not going to change my mind about this subject. Although I would love to change it because it might teach me something new about the world.

EDIT: God damn it, I am 16 years old. Relax, I am not a 30 or so guy who was cheated on. I just have another view on love and woman. I couldn’t careless to be with a woman, IMO. That does not mean I hate them [ equal rights for all, an eye for an eye under law’s limit] but, I just do not see the point of staying with one. It does nothing and stops me from doing a lot of things. And no, I am not talking about sex with other women.

I'm really enjoying this topic, thanks OP.

I'm a 30 year old woman with a long time boyfriend. We live together. We split our bills 50/50. We have no children. (unless you count cats) We openly announce our love for each other for the world to see and are in no rush to get married. Our relationship was a long distance one to start with so when we finally got together in a permanent way, we were just so happy to finally work things out and be together that honestly marriage has never been a hot topic.

I guess neither of us have really felt like it was something that we needed to do. We know we love each other, our friends know, our families know, our co workers know. In the eyes of anyone who's opinions matter, (and its not many) we are basically already married.

Unfortunately my job has better health and dental benefits than his does and we have been talking about the legality of it all as we own a lot of things "together".

I think in the next year or so were probably just going to hit the court house to make it official. Neither of us are religious or see a reason to blow our savings on a huge party for people we barely know who will probably hate the food and our choice of music anyway.

For us marriage, for the sake of love or commitment doesn't matter because already we do and are but there are some legal benefits we would probably take advantage of.

Originally posted by Realtruth

Originally posted by hotel1
Its because they know were on to their little scam

hotel,

Although you may feel this way I think it's only fair to not take a shotgun approach, and place all females in a single category.

I would appreciate that this remain a non-hostile topic, even though I personally understand marriage is a passionate and emotional topic for many folks that have been down a rocky road.

Your input is greatly appreciated though.

Im not sure I want to get involved much in this conversation, but cant hep myself any longer.

What I take a problem with is placing females into a single category. Males as well.

Maybe it is where I live. Im not sure. I have traveled the World as well, so have a good cross section of Humanity to observe.

But how can you say that, when its true. There may be pockets of Women out there, but I see the same thing I see in the housing industry. Cookies cutters.

I need no one saying that I hate Women, or all of that BS, and that I am bashing, or any other fallacy of logic designed to cut Men off from expressing themselves in this regard. I see that alot by Women. Any form of criticism, constructive or not, is automatically attacked from a very vicious emotional fem fatal, as being anti feminine, and sexist. This tactic cuts off any real communication of problems between the sexes. This "defensive" mindset. It is actually very harmful, because it establishes in the minds of the young, that one particular sex can do no harm, or wrong, and in fact, has been the center of abuse for ages. I see this "group think" not just in the sexes, but races as well. I wont open that can of worms here, but it is very evident.

Men no longer have an opionion, or perspective in these regards. Any perspective is automatically sexist.

I think more Men are looking for other Men as well. Men have had enough with Women as a group, and are moving towards their own sex for intimacy, understanding, etc. Men are turning towards the Bi, and gay lifestyles, as if it were going out of style. Which it might be.

There is a very strong undercurrent of resentment and hate towards Women by many Men. It is happening for a reason, which is not what Women will tell you, because they are perfect of course, and have no character flaws.

You can flame all you want ladies, but the truth is self evident. We are running away from your arms in droves for reasons you know, not just because "its in the air, or the water". Duh.

So the reasons why marriages are not working out, start long before marriage, and even long before a Man or Women even desires to get married. The problems actually stem from childhood, as a collective problem in our Society.

The way we were all raised. The BS we saw in all of our own families. The lies. The hypocrisy. The faking. The empty words.

That is the problem. Humans. Humans have major problems within their own selves today. Hence, Humans look to the "external" to be filled. To have love. Etc. Instead of looking within.

Woman have become Men, and Men have become Women in our Society. The roles that is, and sometimes even as far as the physical manifestation of those roles and reversals.

We are at the most critical point and juncture of our species. Right now. Deep down everyone knows it, but still rejects it.

Until that time as Humanity finds itself, these problems will only continue, and get worse.

I see many things taking place in the future, and one of those things is a War between Man and Woman. A real War, not just the mental, emotional, power play war, that has been going on here since the 60s.

A real bloody War is coming. It will be a fight over children, over each other, over individuals, over selves. Etc.

Both sexes have had enough, and when all other things in life finally get Biblical, and Earth encompassing, which is appears to be doing right now, the sexes as well will turn on each other, and attempt to wipe each other off the face of the planet.

The only thing that has prevented that from taking place already is the perpetuation of the Human race, to manually conceive and bear children.

That process is no longer needed to produce children. So, seeing each other as obsolete, and full of hate for each other, the sexes have nothing left in without holding their hatred for each other to fully come to a head.

Mark my words, a horrific War between the sexes is coming. I dont know when, how, or any other details, but I do know its coming.

I agree with some of the above posters. Marriage is not always going to be easy.
There are definately benefits for staying with someone for that long.
I personally see marriage in more of a religious way and I have chosen
it for those reasons, but whatever the motivations for choosing
marriage, there are expectations for behavior and if you are not willing
to work on fulfilling those expectations and lovingly forgiving your
spouse when they are not able to, you are not ready for marriage.
I believe that people need to decide on marriage more with their heads
than their hearts. I know it's not romantic, but really people do get swept
up in that love feeling without thinking long term. You probably will not
Feel all lovey all the time. It goes .... But it can come back to-if you
Let it. And no, I don't think this means we should live together first. You can learn all you
need to about a person and yourself without living with them. I did this
With my high school sweetheart (who I married two years later) and we
Still had to adjust to the being married. It's been eight years married now
Fourteen together and i know people my age already getting divorced!
It's like they don't even try anymore!

Marriage is society’s mechanism designed to regulate and control those many human relations which arise out of the physical fact of bisexuality. As such an institution, marriage functions in two directions:

1. In the regulation of personal sex relations.
2. In the regulation of descent, inheritance, succession, and social order, this being its older and original function.

Marriage — mating — grows out of bisexuality. Marriage is man’s reactional adjustment to such bisexuality, while the family life is the sum total resulting from all such evolutionary and adaptative adjustments. Marriage is enduring; it is not inherent in biologic evolution, but it is the basis of all social evolution and is therefore certain of continued existence in some form. Marriage has given mankind the home, and the home is the crowning glory of the whole long and arduous evolutionary struggle.

Marriage is the institutional response of the social organism to the ever-present biologic tension of man’s unremitting urge to reproduction — self-propagation. Mating is universally natural, and as society evolved from the simple to the complex, there was a corresponding evolution of the mating mores, the genesis of the marital institution. Wherever social evolution has progressed to the stage at which mores are generated, marriage will be found as an evolving institution.

There always have been and always will be two distinct realms of marriage: the mores, the laws regulating the external aspects of mating, and the otherwise secret and personal relations of men and women. Always has the individual been rebellious against the sex regulations imposed by society; and this is the reason for this agelong sex problem: Self-maintenance is individual but is carried on by the group; self-perpetuation is social but is secured by individual impulse.

Marriage has been many times in jeopardy, and the marriage mores have drawn heavily on both property and religion for support; but the real influence which forever safeguards marriage and the resultant family is the simple and innate biologic fact that men and women positively will not live without each other, be they the most primitive savages or the most cultured mortals.

I don't believe the government needs to be involved in marriage and I don't believe in "marriage licenses", however I do believe in the sacred bond and commitment between two people to be recognized by God in church.

Furthermore, I think people who "don't believe in marriage", simply want an easy way out. You can cheat, lie and do as you please because "you're not married". It's an easy out.

People will sign a half-million dollar contract to purchase a home yet they won't enter into a formal commitment with the one they love? Really? In other words, material goods are more important and hold more value than your significant other. If two people both have that line of thought then they deserve each other.