Over 30 years old with Aspergers Syndrome, How do you cope?

reply to post by fr33kSh0w2012

Do you have the condition? If not STFU you got no Idea

Ah, you didn´t even read the thread? Also, don´t call me names please. Thank you

Define "neurotypical".

In my view, there is no such thing. Nearly everyone has some type of MI (neuroses) or cognitive issue.

reply to post by fomalhaut

Wow! I think that is wrong of your bf to want you off of medicine. I have aspergers syndrome and I goto the doc may 1. I will be asking for baclofen as well. I read that some people with Fragile X syndrome with aspergers syndrome benefit greatly from baclofen. I am so glad that it helped you socialize better. If your bf doesn't want you on it, then they are not worth your time! Lots of love and prayers for healing!

I would like other Aspes to comment on this,........
I have been Aspergers Autistic all my life, and a family blowup recently, made me realize something about myself.
I don't get hints. My brain doesn't process hints.
My parent and sibling had been putting various hints to me, for a very long while, re. things about me they didn't like. For example, what item of clothing I'd wear, and how not clean it looked. (Coat with cat hair on it, etc)
They had been tolerating my presence, and -simmering- and throwing hints.
But it all came undone and blew up. I don't know if I will have much of a relationship with them anymore.
The fact is, I have never gotten hints from people. In retrospect, a very long time later, when I ponder a particular
relationship or aquaintence or employment that went dreadfully "South", I can see my block to hints, but only years later, while I am examining the situation in retrospect. I have always had a great deal of trouble getting social cues, in person with people. always felt like a litteral alien in this life.
I am well well over 30, and the problems just never end.

reply to post by Eedjee


Unfortunately, this is an experience I can relate to and have been through many times in my life. It is virtually impossible for me to tell when I am annoying someone, unless they come right out and say so, or give very obvious vocal cues. (Angry tone of voice, etc.) Especially since my intentions are always good and I don't always understand why someone would be annoyed in the first place. Many of the things people become annoyed by seem irrelevant or superficial to me, and I struggle with trying to be sensitive to their needs because I truly do not understand them in many respects. It is quite painful because, as I am sure is true for you as well, the last thing I want to do is cause people pain or discomfort.

There are many things we can attempt to do to overcome such challenges. We aren't entirely powerless. Some of the various approaches to dealing with Asperger's in general and socialization in particular have been discussed in this topic. I've tried many of them, including medication (including some mentioned herein, and others,) CBT, gradual desensitization, good old fashioned psychoanalysis, social "training" regimens, and even simply pretending to understand social cues when in fact I don't. (Something I personally find incredibly disingenuous, and therefore intensely unpleasant. But many have success with this so-called "cloak of competence," and I would not advocate that they dispense with it since it improves their quality of life.)

Unfortunately, the available approaches do not work for everyone. I've been very resistant to treatment (not in the sense of not trying or being inflexible, but simply in the sense that it hasn't worked for me.) The only thing I haven't tried are more intensive, longer term forms of therapy, such as what is known as Schema Therapy. And finding a qualified therapist versed in Schema that takes my state-provided coverage (I'm in a low income household) has not proven feasible in my area unfortunately.

So to respond to your experience: yes, unfortunately what you're describing is somewhat typical of Asperger's, at least for me and other people I know. And I can relate to the frustration and self-consciousness that comes with realizing you never picked up on something everyone expected you to. The only advice I can offer is to say I've found it beneficial to be as direct and honest about how your mind works as possible with these people, and to hope for understanding and acceptance. Make it clear that the last thing you wanted was to hurt or offend anyone, but that you simply had no idea that these 'hints" - if you were even aware of them at all, which I often am not - represented something so important or serious to them.

There's no guarantee they'll accept that, but it's the only thing I've ever had mend relationships damaged by such things. And even then, there are times when I don't feel I was particularly in the wrong. Or perhaps, rather, when I didn't understand their objections enough to relate sufficiently to the need for an apology or explanation. In those cases, much as it pained me, the relationships unfortunately never mended because I just couldn't comprehend the issue.

I wish you all the best. I know it sucks, to put it mildly.

Peace.

reply to post by AceWombat04

Thank you, Ace, what a gracious and empathetic person. (That we don't have empathy is a horrendously incorrect belief.) (About at least, some of us.) By-the-way, it's such a paradox, I guess. I feel where people are coming from, like 'Betazoid' Mz. Troy of Star Trek TNG, but I don't feel what they are thinking. I could feel something -fierce- , the negativity coming at me, like darts, from those family members, but I was clueless, as to the thinking causing it. I am also telepathic, -physically- if you can imagine. Stomach aches. And have vivid nightmares that don't make sense, or make all too much sense. (Had the 9-11-01 dream, prior to.)
Sensory intolerent. A walking radar dish.
It is lonely though, isn't it. At times. A lot of times I reflect back on all the personal rejections, oh man, painful stuff. But those were the days when people weren't aware much, of this 'disorder', and I was not aware of sociopaths and narcissists. The social and liked ones. Terrible encounters, those were, dark ignorant times, a dark night of the soul.
A lot of times I see myself as not the wrong party. This thing about hinting is only something cowardly impatient as****es do, in my opinion, because, it IS.......possible to tell the deal to someone,......in a factual, non-putdown, unemotional, non hostile/negative way. I don't understand what is so hard about that.

my doctor kept saying he thought I had asburgers due to my mood swings and very antisocial behavior in real life. my windows are blacked out...

but my doctor also told me most of the whole "asburger" phenomenon is b.s. and I agreed with him.

I take no meds for mood swings, I just understand and know that for every action there is a reaction. So if I don't want a negative reaction I avoid my action that will cause it.

and people, unless retarded or lobotomized, also know right from wrong.

political correctness wants other people to change to conform to "asburger" and other political correctness jargon but that's not the way and is in fact 100% wrong.

If I don't want people to react negatively then it's ME that changes not THEM.

So the entire political correct push on the mess is totally wrong when they want people to conform and tolerate it. No there should be 100% no tolerance.

Then you'll only get those to realize oh wait a minute if I want people to react normal to me then I have to change and realize I can't change them.

reply to post by Cito


Asperger's is part of the autistic spectrum. In fact, the term is being phased out entirely with the newest version of the DSM, and will now simply fall under the "autistic spectrum disorder" umbrella. Because autism is truly a spectrum encompassing many variables and facets, one can be at one point in the spectrum and experience symptoms mild enough that they are considered "high functioning." That is also what Asperger's is often termed. "A high functioning form of autism." Although, even that isn't really accurate as plenty of people who can be said to have Asperger's aren't necessarily that high functioning. That's one of the reasons I actually happen to agree with the new classification.

What you describe - tailoring your thoughts and actions, being cognizant of thought patterns and behaviors and changing them - is essentially the basis for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy.) You've basically described it in a nutshell. For many with Asperger's (and other conditions) this has proven quite effective in helping to alleviate symptoms and facilitate the leading of a more "normal" life. I can't say whether you have Asperger's or fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum or not. (There are a variety of disorders and conditions that could be said to produce mood swings and antisocial behavior. There are very specific diagnostic criteria for determining these things, and more goes into those determinations than just a couple of outward behaviors.) But I can say that if you do, then you're someone who responded to that, or happened upon it for yourself. Which is great and something I think everyone capable of doing so should.

But to assume that because that worked for you, the condition either doesn't exist, or can be treated similarly in every instance, is not reflective of the reality many who struggle with more severe points on the spectrum live with in their daily lives. Self-awareness and effort are important for everyone - even "normal" individuals - but that isn't always sufficient. I'm going to be 32 years old shortly. I have struggled with this throughout my life. I can assure you that I don't wish for society to adapt to or conform to my issues. But I can also assure you that intensive efforts in the vein of what you describe, as well as many other approaches, have not enabled me to overcome the worst manifestations of my equivalent of this disorder, which for me are all anxiety-related. (Stimuli overload leading to anxiety, social and otherwise.)

It is not simply a matter of changing the way I think or the way I behave. I have invested much of my life in the pursuit of precisely that and can assure you that it has not worked, and not for lack of effort. At the end of the day, this is who I am. I do not expect special treatment or for the world around me to conform to my issues. But I do wish for compassion and tolerance. I have never been violent. I have never sought to harm anyone or anything. I have no criminal or misdemeanor record. I am a pacifist and someone who loves people and wants to help everyone he can. My brain simply does not process stimuli - including social stimuli and cues - the way others' do. This is something that can be mitigated to varying degrees from person to person through various techniques and approaches both professional and personal, but to what degree depends upon the individual and the severity of his or her condition. Not everyone will achieve the same level of functionality regardless of effort or attitude, and that is the unfortunate reality of the matter.

Now, none of this is to say that one absolutely must agree with this terminology. As I said earlier in the topic, I'm all for not labeling it at all. I'm all for taking issue with the psychiatric community's need to quantify and categorize everything and everyone. In fact, as a so-called Aspie I sort of naturally chafe under such parameters, ironic though that sentence may be. But whatever one wishes to call it - and even if one wishes to define it simply as "who I am as a human being," it - whatever it is - is real, and for many, a truly debilitating challenge.

I have never succeeded in holding a job. I live with one of my parents. I have not gotten disability because I want to try to do something, even if it's only web work or getting a book published before resorting to placing my burden on society (i.e. your tax dollars.)

It has nothing to do with political correctness, at least in my case and the cases of those whom I know in my personal life. It has everything to do with a basic struggle for some reasonable quality of life, the achievement of which will differ from person to person.

Peace.

Yeah, this thread hasn't seen a new post in over a year but I'm putting in my 2 cents anyway.
I have a background in psychology and also worked for 10 years in the health insurance industry. (I was a tiny cog; not someone who set policy, thank God.) Many people in the psychology field (including me, though I'm not exactly part of the field) feel that there is too much labeling. Thing is, without a diagnosis code, you will never get a health insurance company to pay for your visits to the therapist or psychiatrist. Labels become a regrettable necessity in this system. And because I know someone out there is thinking it, it has nothing to do with Obamacare. This was a problem long before Obama even became a household name.

Very interesting thread for me reading this has seen a light come on as to the way i act in real life and why i feel so awkward around people or crowds , i have always put this down to being a hermit but reading people that suffer with this act exactly like me .

My friend has 2 Autistic children and has been telling me for years i have this , but i just laughed and said i was a happy hermit , but the coldness that people talk of and the simplicity of thought i can understand and the inability to pick up on social hints all make so much sense now

I couldn't even get through the first page of replies...

So much ignorance in this thread it makes me sick.

I'm diagnosed Asbergers w/ acute negative symptom schizophrenia & some of the "neurotypical" responses to the OP are truly disgusting.

I'm 26, & you people truly have no idea what it means to be totally alone all the time despite how many people are around you.

I couldn't fake a real relationship even if I wanted to. Late diagnosis, low self awareness, & long term conditioning is a good thIng. I wouldn't wish my problems on anyone.

a reply to: Eunuchorn

I'm 26, & you people truly have no idea what it means to be totally alone all the time despite how many people are around you.

I do know, and I love your avatar.

originally posted by: Frankenchrist
So aspergers is basically a disorder that prevents you from socializing?

I'm kinda not buying this disorder.

AND

originally posted by: r2d246

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU...

This might come as a shock to you...

But you've been lied to!!! The truth is your a perfectly fine adult in perfect health. You're just like everyone else. Everyone lives with fears, insecurities, confusion and other issues that plague everyone on the planet. It's part of being human. You're NO DIFFERENT than anyone else.

So here's my advice to you. Stop believing there lie. Get off any pills there trying to get you hooked on. And tell them to go foock themselves. They're a bunch of liars. They'll say anything to get you to believe them and then anything else to get you on some pills you don't need. Be careful my friend. Again your fine, you've just been lied to that's all.

You have NO idea! You're obviously an NT. If you had AS, then you'd understand that it's a very real thing. I ask you, how, when I read other people's stories about how their lives have gone, what symptoms/characteristics they have, how they experience the world and how it's affected them, it's as if I'm reading something I could have written. After I was diagnosed, I read the description of it and it was as if the author knew me personally. I hated my diagnosis at first. I didn't think or want to believe I was on the AUTISM spectrum but as soon as I started reading about it, it was like a light switched on. It was one of those ah-ha moments you get in life. It was like, "That's me! That's my life summed up!"

The fact that you don't understand proves you're an NT. When I read the OP's message, I actually wondered if I had written it except the ages were different and he used expressions I don't but that didn't stop me from checking the username to be sure.

This IS a very real thing but it's not all negative. I have the ability to hyperfocus on my Special Interest to the exclusion of EVERYTHING around me for many hours. I once programmed for 12 hours straight without even stopping for food, water or toilet breaks. I was totally lost in what I was doing - it was like Zen! I suddenly realised I was sitting in the dark and hadn't noticed! (I hadn't fed my cat either).

We're very honest, loyal, logical people and we see things from a different perspective than how NT's see them. We also have the ability to see problems in a different way to how NT's see them and we're able to come up with solutions that NT's can't. It's not necessarily that we're smarter than you. It's just that our brains are wired differently and sometimes we're able to come up with solutions that NT's just can't "see"! A lot of us are high functioning and highly intelligent. Oh, we also take things very literally and don't have the ability to lie.

There are so many positives about being an Aspie but there are a lot of downsides as well.

If you're an Aspie who wants to socialize, then that can lead to a very sad life because we don't usually like small talk, don't understand body language or get non-verbal cues and most, if not all social events are downright painful for us!!! After times where I've had to socialize like work events, I need to be alone for a while to recharge. I find them very draining but the not being able to socialize isn't that bad for me because I have ZERO desire to socialize anyway. My idea of a good night is being home alone with a few beers, some music and researching my Special Interest, Acridotheres tristis. I love 'em I could literally talk to you about them until your ears bled.

That's another awesome thing about being an Aspie - Special Interests. When we get a Special Interest, we tend to specialize in it to EXTREMES. When we get a Special Interest, we learn just EVERYTHING there is to learn about it and then we build on it. We're also very creative and can use our ability to 'lateral think' and see solutions, new discoveries that others can't see. As I said. It's not that you're not smart enough. It's just that our brains are wired differently and we see things from a different perspective.

Our Special Interests are what soothes and restores us. They are the one place we can go to relax and restore. My partner could never understand how my form of relaxing after work was to sit down and write C/C++ programs for 8 hours or more in the evening (until she found out I was an Aspie)!!!

We live in a different world to you - to the point where it's also been known as Wrong Planet Syndrome because many of us feel like... It's like being an alien and you're stuck on this planet and you have to learn to function because you can't go home. That's just so accurate!

A lot of the stuff you take for granted, we have to learn and it takes a lot of mental energy to survive in a predominantly NT world.

Despite all the negatives and how bad it may sound, there are also a LOT of positives to being an Aspie and I've got to tell you, if someone came up with a 'cure' for it tomorrow, I'd tell them where they could shove it!!!

I hope this has helped enlighten you to the fact that we're not trying to fool you. We're not capable of that. We don't play your games. We're literal, honest and we don't mince words. We say it how it is. Sometimes, we're so honest to the point of being brutal but if your partner says, "Do you think my ass looks big in this dress?" and I say "Yes!" and it offends you, then DON'T ASK!!! We can be honest to a fault.

Anyway, it's an old thread (originally - last comment was 2014) and I hope in that time, you've been enlightened to the AWESOMENESS of what it can mean to be an Aspie.

Good luck