Advice for Married Men and Women

This one is better suited to play for your woman to keep a marraige going strong, than the previous one was



Old classic, but good.... some may not agree with the "co-dependency" references

reply to post by WhisperingWinds

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


Whisper you took me wrong, and I haven't been back online for awhile to defend myself. I have been working 60+hrs a week on a contract job to support my "dependant" family. I speak of co-dependency in psychological terms, not literal co-existance where you need someone to depend on. Not being co-dependant does not mean being undependable. Quite the opposite.

Co-dependence in a relationship is always present, and in all of us, but it is on a continuum. It becomes a problem when it interferes with the happiness, and workability of the relationship. My wife may say things ike "I can't live without you." sure it feels good, and it is a nice sentiment, but I would consider her selfish beyond measure were she to actually commit suicide if I died, and leave our children, and family.

Being in a relationship does not mean losing your identity. If your partner expects you to change who you are, you need to change who you are with. For instance I check in with my wife out of respect, and courtesy, and because I genuinely enjoy hearing her voice. I do not check in with her for her to tell me what to do. She may ask things of me, and I generally do them because I love her, but she may never "tell" me what I "must" do or there will be consequences. She would have divorce papers by the end of the week. The same bad behavior would get me the same thing.

She actually feels MORE secure with me than any other man in her life because of this dynamic of respect, and empowerement. Neither of us wear the "pants" for the family. We both wear our own pants, and accept responsibility for our own actions. I do not make decisions that adversely affect her because I love her, and vice versa. She doesn't have to control, or threaten me. If I fail to love her she has every right, and ability to leave. My love earns me the right to be with such a wonderful woman, no insecure control protocol necessary. Her love, and respect earns her the right to be with a great guy. I trust her with my life. She may do whatsoever she pleases at any time, and I may do the same, but our mutual love, and respect keeps those choices within the confines of a productive relationship. If she decided to make choices that cannot be supported, and bring harm to the family or our relationship she is free to leave, and would be supported in that decision. I would be very sad, devastated even, but I would eventually find another, and be happy again, or not, and be happy by myself. I love her too much to confine her, and she loves me too much to do the same. And no we are not open in our marriage. Infidelity would be a deal breaker. I am hers, and she is mine by choice, and we both make that choice without coersion.

I guess you could describe us as libertarian in our relationship. You are free to do whatever you wish, but certain actions have natural, and logical consequences.

Well... Thank you for clarifying.

But we could all read between the lies and get the gist of what you were saying...pretty much a no brainer...I'd never kill myself over some other person I cared about being out of MY life.. but,may want too kill myself if they don't leave..but.. (its a joke..so chill..)

We are all free to pursue what makes us happy, and work through the issues that don't, if we care to.

We learn and grow through relationships, the good and the bad.

reply to post by toochaos4u


Exactly right chaos. YOU are a co-dependent's hobby. Shaping, and molding and recreating you into the perfect person they want you to be. Co-dependents are masters of subtlety usually. Planning, and putting together wickedly complex control regimes that you don't even see, or realize until you are out of that relationship. They are also masters of guilt, they can somehow make you feel guilty for taking 5 minutes for yourself to keep from going insane from their constant, incessant needing. The cruel twist is that if you stay with a co-dependant too long you start to become one, and have to go through identity rehab before you are fit to be in a relationship again.

Co-dependants also adamantly attack free spirits, and care free souls, we scare the BEJEEZUS out of them because we are uncontrollable, unpredictable, and as they would describe it "unstable." The other cruel twist is that opposites attract, and co-dependants crave the happiness, and lack of stress a free soul possesses, and the free soul thinks they can love the co-dependant enough to free them. NEVER HAPPENS. Find a balanced partner. Not so free as to make bad decisions, but not so inhibited as to not be able to live life.

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


That's the thing if you are in a relationship with a true co-dependant you are NOT free to make your own choices. Not by a long shot. Perchance you have never experienced this, and you should count yourself fortunate.

The only other possibility is that you are a co-dependant, and you would never allow yourself to recognize it anyway. In such case you will feel obligated to attack me ferociously for suggesting that a good relationship can be had without any control whatsoever of one party over the other.

Originally posted by Binder
reply to post by WhisperingWinds

 

That's the thing if you are in a relationship with a true co-dependant you are NOT free to make your own choices. Not by a long shot. Perchance you have never experienced this, and you should count yourself fortunate.

The only other possibility is that you are a co-dependant, and you would never allow yourself to recognize it anyway. In such case you will feel obligated to attack me ferociously for suggesting that a good relationship can be had without any control whatsoever of one party over the other.

edit on 16-7-2012 by Binder because: ETA

I'm not into attacking viciously , unless of course its in self defense for a vicious attack, so no worries.

I understand the issues of control you speak about, and I agree the best relationships are without issues of control, and most likely stay healthy and happy because there is little done in this freedom that seriously hurts oneself or the partner.

The best a person can hope for if a partner continues with seriously self destructive behavior , is that you can walk away from the destructive enabling, still wishing that person the best.

Originally posted by vkey08I've been shot, stabbed, lost my husband, lost my oldest child, was homeless for a time

I need to call BS on this one. Few people who are not part of a gang get both shot and stabbed and the women that are in the gang circle are never (officially) married - common law perhaps -but not married in the church or have a licence married and they are pretty much hands off as far as violence.

Originally posted by VforVendettea

Originally posted by vkey08I've been shot, stabbed, lost my husband, lost my oldest child, was homeless for a time

I need to call BS on this one. Few people who are not part of a gang get both shot and stabbed and the women that are in the gang circle are never (officially) married - common law perhaps -but not married in the church or have a licence married and they are pretty much hands off as far as violence.

OMG that is such a narrow view of the world.. Like women can't get hurt in the course of their jobs, how sexist..

so here goes for your brain to maybe comprehend..

When I was just out of High School, I had nowhere to live, lived in a shelter for 8 months and got my life in order. Decided I wanted to do some good in the world (what a mistake that was) went to college, then into training for my profession (which I have had ever since) first year out of the academy, got shot twice, wasn't fun, but I survived (i've never seen anyone die form a shoulder wound and a leg wound) Two years after that, I was stabbed by a druggie that I had to subdue, again, not life threatening, but still ugh. I got married, had kids, took some time off, until my husband died from an illness about 6 years ago. Went BACK to work.. My oldest daughter, died last year from an illness as well, and now I have two jobs to keep me occupied and from going insane.. My primary job (I dare you to figure out who I work for, it's one of the most dangerous jobs in the USA and lots of women get hurt badly doing it) is my secondary reason for living outside my other two girls. My hobby job, which i'm also pretty good at and will probably take up full time as I'm getting older and can't run as fast anymore, is my fun time..

Now would you like to get off the horse and stop thinking in terms of gangs and how that could be the only possible way I could have been injured? Although I hung around with gangs when I was in HS, it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life it was more of a choice to be around cool people..

1) Happy Wife = Happy Life

2) Two words for a successful marriage = "Yes Dear"
(now, this isn't to say you need to be a yes man, but pick your battles wisely...fight the IMPORTANT ones only.

3) If you need some time away from the wife, you need her to get a hobby she will only do with other women (like scrapbooking), so you can get in some guy time (doing a hobby she would never want to do).

4) If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all

5) Women, don't tell a guy your problems unless you actually WANT a solution, because that is what we think you are looking for. (and don't be mad when he actually suggests one)

6) Don't go to bed angry

7) You have to learn the "magic time". This is the amount of time between when she storms off in a huff, and the time you should then go after her. You'll need to try different amounts of time, until you find the magic amount. Too soon or too late, and you just make it worse...needs to be just right

Originally posted by vkey08

Originally posted by VforVendettea

Originally posted by vkey08I've been shot, stabbed, lost my husband, lost my oldest child, was homeless for a time

I need to call BS on this one. Few people who are not part of a gang get both shot and stabbed and the women that are in the gang circle are never (officially) married - common law perhaps -but not married in the church or have a licence married and they are pretty much hands off as far as violence.

OMG that is such a narrow view of the world.. Like women can't get hurt in the course of their jobs, how sexist..

so here goes for your brain to maybe comprehend..

When I was just out of High School, I had nowhere to live, lived in a shelter for 8 months and got my life in order. Decided I wanted to do some good in the world (what a mistake that was) went to college, then into training for my profession (which I have had ever since) first year out of the academy, got shot twice, wasn't fun, but I survived (i've never seen anyone die form a shoulder wound and a leg wound) Two years after that, I was stabbed by a druggie that I had to subdue, again, not life threatening, but still ugh. I got married, had kids, took some time off, until my husband died from an illness about 6 years ago. Went BACK to work.. My oldest daughter, died last year from an illness as well, and now I have two jobs to keep me occupied and from going insane.. My primary job (I dare you to figure out who I work for, it's one of the most dangerous jobs in the USA and lots of women get hurt badly doing it) is my secondary reason for living outside my other two girls. My hobby job, which i'm also pretty good at and will probably take up full time as I'm getting older and can't run as fast anymore, is my fun time..

Now would you like to get off the horse and stop thinking in terms of gangs and how that could be the only possible way I could have been injured? Although I hung around with gangs when I was in HS, it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life it was more of a choice to be around cool people..

So you were in a gang...

The way to answer, "Do I look fat in this?"

If the real answer is No, then say No, and then tell her some way it complements her assets (or even if you like the color, etc.). She's "iffy" and if you like it, you need to tell her some more pros, to tip the scales.

___________________________________________________________

If the real answer is Yes, then say No, but then tell her at least two OTHER things that are bad about the outfit, to help tip the scales to not getting it, but so she can justify it with other reasons, while on the inside she still thinks she's a cow.

____________________________________________________________

If it isn't knocking your socks off, and she doesn't just love it, and it's too expensive, criticize it, but not too harshly, or you'll give away the game (and she'll get it to spite you). Seem a bit wishy washy in your criticism...

____________________________________________________________

Either way, about 10 minutes or so later, compliment her on something appearance wise...to reinforce her self esteem, and/or a PDA (public display of affection).

Originally posted by Gazrok
Either way, about 10 minutes or so later, compliment her on something appearance wise...to reinforce her self esteem, and/or a PDA (public display of affection).

But didn't you say that they wouldn't let you into that Starbucks anymore?

reply to post by intrepid


No, I can still go there....I just have to put on some clothes next time...

Originally posted by IpsissimusMagus
Stand by your man

So true! I love that song

Also, let your man be a man. Don't expect him to be a girlie man (unless that kinda thing works for you). Let him be himself and love him for it.