Im transgendered and I wish I wasn't

reply to post by soon2beaher


People on ATS, for the molst part, are very understanding andkind from what Ive read, I have tendencies that I wish I didnt have for sure...............I wish I could be more like me...LOL

I'd question where the urges come from, psychologically speaking.

Case in point; my avatar here. While in WoW, I became very attached to her, and still am, but I've never felt a desire to crossdress offline.

I also truthfully feel that Mirshalak was (and is still, to an extent) my own online equivalent of George Sand. By that I mean that the degree of focus on feminism and women in current society, has tended to leave me feeling, as a man, as though I was born the wrong gender, in terms of social acceptability. George Sand was a woman born in 18th century England, and back then, that scenario was reversed. She dressed as a man in order to be able to socially integrate more successfully.

Mirshalak has three characteristics which I do not, which are highly venerated within contemporary Western society. She is:-

a] Female.
b] Indigenous. (The Orcs are depicted as an indigenous/shamanic species)
c] Military; conforming to the engineer/special operations archetype, specifically.

There's another, somewhat deeper aspect there as well. My own astrological natal chart has a number of elements placed in the sign of Aries, which aside from said elements, is diametrically opposed to the rest of my personality. So I could also describe my psychological relationship with Mirsh, as being similar to that described between Bruce Banner and the Hulk; she's my own proverbial Mean Green.

As a third point; I've had an interest in at least Western occultism, if not shamanism, for most of my life, and the Native Americans in particular have lore concerning individuals who are considered to have two spirits, sometimes of differing gender. Given my level of interest in magick, and my degree of temperamental conformity with some other elements of the shamanic archetype in general, I feel that there is a possibility that in my own case this fits, at least to an extent.

I'm probably going to get swarmed in response to this post, with claims that I'm obviously gay. That was a question which I literally spent probably six years asking myself, especially given the increasingly sympathetic public perception of homosexuality. I came to the conclusion, however, that I am not; I've experienced physical attraction to women, and at times also greatly enjoyed straight sex, what little I've had of it.

I can conclude by saying that I do not believe that having a healthy degree of integration of masculine and feminine characteristics is a bad or undesirable thing, for both men and women. I would, however, question taking it to the level of physical behaviour. If you're going to do that, be 100% sure that it is definitely what you want, beforehand.

I woke suddenly, covered in sweat, my breath coming in great, shuddering gasps.

We were running forward, always onward, the sounds of Human screaming a constant echo in our ears, fires on both sides of us, and the ground reduced to featureless mud beneath our feet. Farmland, farmhouses, all the Human buildings; we smashed through them, burned them, always seeking the families within, to try and end our mad, desperate hunger. A hunger that could not be ended.

The hunger to kill.

Human men, often smaller than the smallest of us, tried frantically to defend their wives and children. Most barely lasted seconds before being overwhelmed by us, and they never died cleanly. They were always smashed, torn, burned to the point where nobody could have known afterwards that they had once been Humans.

Red blood, black blood, theirs, ours, covered us. We waded through it, it washed over us when we killed. We didn't know which, and we didn't care. We only sought one thing, and we found it. Again and again, times beyond number, we found it.

When I woke, when I remembered, in the few seconds when I could see both of my lives, contrasted, laid side by side, it was always the same. For a moment I would struggle to shut it out; I couldn't bear it, but something forced me to remember, to look.

"Spirits, help us...

What have we done?"

A "real woman" wants to rip all those girly garments OFF!

Just like a man who hates to put on a suit and tie - he wants to get that monkey suit OFF!

I think you may just be interested in women, and trying to create one - on yourself.

And / Or - you may just be interested in fashion, and acting.

You might be a performer at heart! Or could do well in work in fashion or theater.

I think you're a 'regular guy'.

If you were actually female - you'd hate all this crap - wigs, pantyhose, makeup - man it's a giant pain in the ass!

Why do you think married women and / or Moms give up on all that? Because they are SICK of it! All this stuff is SO uncomfortable!

"Real Women" - are SLOBS. Therefor, you are not gay or in the wrong body. Just like men, too - they cannot wait to get the suit and tie OFF!

You might have - if anything - 'acting' and 'fashion' interests. Work with it - there's some nice careers to be had in these fields!

Originally posted by Golden Rule
Animal-minded society would influence you to interpreting this challenge in a sexual way, which would be all about who plugs who. Don't listen to these monkeys. Think of it energetically and magnetically. You have already said that you chose your parents - so you accept reincarnation. If you accept reincarnation then you must have realized that you have been plugging others and been plugged for millenia - this is not the purpose of human life. Rather than having either one polarity become attracted to an external attraction, find the way to create an attraction to it's polar opposite within you. So a love affair is created within you. Remember, most people cannot do this because they have only one sexuality that is dominant and the other repressed, which means that they are forced to seek an outside complimentary in order to complete themselves emotionally. (whether homosexual or heterosexual)

en.wikipedia.org...

I agree with other posters who have said to approach this issue from a mystical standpoint.

THIS. THis is a great response. You don't have to abandon your family to take up a mystical spirituality.

Great response.

Originally posted by soon2beaher
reply to post by ih8dogfarts

 

[snipped for outrageous rudeness.

]

ha tell me about it. exactly what i think. if i didnt have this, its exactly what i would have said if i was in me teens/early 20s and ignorant.

however i know better than to refer to anyone in any derogatory manner.

there also studies that show that males who have urges to be females have neuron levels similar to femals and brain sizes similar to females.

i did not choose to be this way or to have these urges. the urges are to have cosmetic surgery, hormones, and to physically become a woman:

edit on 6/23/2012 by kosmicjack because: removed rudeness

From what I've heard, (let me put it as a question because I really don't know) when someone does go through the sex change can they enjoy sex, or are all the nerve endings destroyed down there?

I would hate to change my sex and NOT feel the sheer pleasure of sex.

reply to post by jiggerj


supposedly feeling is retained, if not, even more enhanced than before. but for the overall picture, its neither here nor there.

im not 100% on this. its like a 50/50 battle, tho even those numbers change. some days im 100% ready to go through the change, then other days im 100% sure i want to stay a dude.

its like when ur in a good mood on a certain and make plans for something a week later, based on that good mood. then the day comes, but u feel like staying in that day. each day brings its own moods, or percentage of what gender i want to be. thats why i havent made the jump yet, cuz different days its different moods

Originally posted by soon2beaher
reply to post by jiggerj

 

supposedly feeling is retained, if not, even more enhanced than before. but for the overall picture, its neither here nor there.

im not 100% on this. its like a 50/50 battle, tho even those numbers change. some days im 100% ready to go through the change, then other days im 100% sure i want to stay a dude.

its like when ur in a good mood on a certain and make plans for something a week later, based on that good mood. then the day comes, but u feel like staying in that day. each day brings its own moods, or percentage of what gender i want to be. thats why i havent made the jump yet, cuz different days its different moods

That's a tough one, my friend. Do you think that if you did have the surgery, would you then struggle with the idea of wanting to be male from time to time? It really sounds like a no win situation for you, and that truly sucks. So, I fall back on, enjoy as much of this life as you possibly can. Best of luck to you.

I agree with you, op. I feel the same way. You can send me a u2u and talk to me any time you want about such thinfgs. No one understands though. But i did decide that im more of an androgynous sort of person or a two spirit. I am me, and thats how i am. I dont give a crap what anyone thinks of me for it. Good god you shoulda heard the # storm i got when i told my mom how i felt when i was 18. She said she made me and its her choice what i am. Wtf????

reply to post by soon2beaher


I felt compelled to respond to you, soon2beaher.

I just wanted to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

That anxiety (for lack of a better description) that you feel when thinking about this is not from You. It's from society.

I think you already know who you are, and you know who you are supposed to be.

I agree with the poster above who said that you need to find a partner who will support and accept you as the - perfect - being you are.

I really just want to tell you that I think you are courageous and I am glad that you made this post.

I am female, but really have no interest in those things that are stereotypically "female". I don't feel any urges to be a man and am only attracted to males, but I like a lot of things that are supposedly only for males. For example: every morning on my way to work, I see a guy walking by. He has very long, flowing white hair pulled back in a ponytail. He wears a suit with cowboy boots and always has a brightly colored tie on. He carries his bag over his shoulder and walks authoritatively across the street to wherever he goes. Every time I see him, I think, "Man, I want to be like that guy when I grow up!" Not that I want to be a man who dresses like that, but that I want to have that confidence and some really cool style that I came up with on my own because it is comfortable to me.

I don't care what other people think of the "manly" things I like. I like them because they are awesome, doesn't matter whether I'm "allowed" to like them or not.

I used to pretend that I was like everyone else, but I realized: I'm not! I never have been! I need to celebrate who I am, not who everyone else thinks I'm "supposed" to be.

Celebrate who you are, soon2beaher. If you are Soon To Be a Her, own it!

I can't say I understand how you are feeling completely, but just know that there are others out there who know that pain and confusion and heartsick feeling of dread at the thought of having to slog through another day of emotional and spiritual storms.

Hang in there, soon2beaher, we're rooting for you.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

reply to post by soon2beaher


You are whoever you want to be. Don't let society dictate what THEY think is the norm. I support you fully in whichever endeavor you choose. Be strong my friend be strong.

Here is a few links that you can receive support from. I truly wish you the best.


Link
Link
Link

reply to post by ottobot


Great post! You are a decent human being. One of the few left.

Bravo!!

I'm not somebody who feels a lot of sympathy for transgendered people in general, so it is hard for me to come on here and defend the feelings and sensations you have towards being a woman when you were born a man. I thought transgenders to be attention-seeking exhibitionists. A part of me still believes that the whole practice is unnatural and those having these tendencies should not be encouraged to act in this way.

However, reading stories like yours are slowly changing my mind. I am beginning to find myself becoming more tolerant of people with lifestyles they didn't choose but have to suffer for if they truly want to be themselves. It must be difficult harbouring these intense sensations inside while society looks down upon you for expressing these feelings.

At the end of the day, I think you need to find out what makes you happy and embrace that lifestyle. If others won't accept you for who you are and what makes you happy then you need to find people who will. Inner happiness is one of the most important goals one can strive for.

ah don't suppress it. just balance the energies. thats why you became a man this time around- to balance the energies. Grow a beard, buy a pair of work boots, wrestle a bear .

reply to post by soon2beaher


I compliment you on your courage to express your turmoil.

when i do a nice long pondering on the "big picture" and consider reincarnation... and then view it through a Kaballistic philosophy... I see all things on this planet reincarnating into the next conscious level.

now, if we reincarnate many many times.. and in human form up to 108 times... (look it up)...
then one would have to question as to whether we consistently reincarnate as males or females.... or both.

If reincarnation's only logical purpose in the grand scheme of things is to gain the most possible experience from as many perspectives as possible... than one would say that if we consistently reincarnated as males, then we would not have an inkling of subliminal or subconscious concern about how people of the opposite sex feel and experience life.

if in our future, we evolve to a point where we can actually ACESS our multidimensional selves (yeh i know sounds hippy dippy but bear with me)... then we'd be able to acess these past experiences of ourselves as literally.. all the types of conscious life on this planet... and as a man.. women included.

so i can't fault you for feeling the way you do considering what i just extrapolated upon.

i read a book.. the Way of the Superior Man..
and it was a very helpful read... and the author defined masculinity and femininity superbly.

he defined masculinity as the "will to act"
femininity as "the will to love"

and just as a flower beckons the bee
the feminine aspect is just a specific form of the natural process.
when you are experiencing life from the perspective of a conscious being that can see all levels of complexity and all aspects of the mechanics of nature..

and you feel an urge on that underlying level..
then i say just go with it.
sure.. you're not living up to "joe square's" militant mentally embedded version of how a man should be, but you're not hurting anyone, and you're reliving your own suffering.
i mean hell.. when we're a zygote.. there IS no sexual identification.. and those initial changes that cause us to express our genome into a full adulte male or female body are like a fine line.. which can actually be scientifically modulated now.

i think it's most important that you find your identity and follow whichever path you need to do in order to heal yourself so that you can be happy and not be tripping out on what other people say or think.

one thing.. if you have now "manly" responsibilities.. where you've already committed to fulfilling that role for other people who may depend on you.. i suggest you maintain that honor. That's just common decency.

reply to post by petrus4


I have similar issues and like you an interest in paganism and shamanism since an early age as well as cosmology and mysticism.. I've also had precognitive dreams since about 9. I look a lot like my mother and have spent my life suppressing effeminate mannerisms, but I'm heterosexual.
Three weeks ago these feelings rose up again and I realised I will never be happy until I've found an appreciative girlfriend. I think it was the Transit of Venus. I'm not praying and I'm not going to seek analysis, I'm just going to start crossdressing and getting on dating sites and whatever else it's going to take to make me happier than I am now.
I'm 49, six feet four inches, my hair is turning grey and I'm running out of teeth but what the hell, society and Christian culture have messed with my head and it's time to redress the balance. We were given this, perhaps we asked for it before we were born and I'm going with it full on, with as much interest in the spiritual side as the glamour.
Good luck with your journey Petrus.

I knew I trans-gender guy. Got himself some of those chest implants wore mini skirts and tank tops and worked as a contractor and stilled went by the name of Marcile. Did my grandparents bathroom, went on his boat he came to some of our cook-outs. The point I'm trying to make is do what makes you happy and you'll find people who will accept you for who you are. And yeah its never that easy ect ect.

Hey maybe someday you'll find a women who'll dress you up in womens cloths and likes to mess around with gender roles.



Not trying to make fun of you or anything hope you get it all worked out.

Originally posted by Dark Ghost
I'm not somebody who feels a lot of sympathy for transgendered people in general, so it is hard for me to come on here and defend the feelings and sensations you have towards being a woman when you were born a man. I thought transgenders to be attention-seeking exhibitionists. A part of me still believes that the whole practice is unnatural and those having these tendencies should not be encouraged to act in this way.

Truthfully, I think it varies. Although people aren't going to approve of my saying this, I tend to suspect that some within certain groups *can* at times be evangelical. I've noticed a particular mentality which motivates a lot of different interest groups which together make up the political Left.

As in, a lot of the time you'll have a particular group who are persuing a particular goal, or the advancement of a given perspective, which doesn't have mainstream support. Vegetarianism is another example. If said group suspects that you've got even a minor degree of commonality with them, they'll try and basically grab you and recruit you, and it won't so much be out of an interest in your own welfare as an individual at all, as much as it will be about them getting another footsoldier for their army. The thinking goes that the more people they can get, the more pressure they can exert on their opponents, to accept (potentially in legal terms, in some cases) their own position.

At the same time, however, yes, legitimate cases do exist.

However, reading stories like yours are slowly changing my mind. I am beginning to find myself becoming more tolerant of people with lifestyles they didn't choose but have to suffer for if they truly want to be themselves. It must be difficult harbouring these intense sensations inside while society looks down upon you for expressing these feelings.

You'll probably notice me being harshly critical of people from a number of different less than mainstream groups on this forum, and come away with the impression that I am a hypocrite. To clarify, I don't criticise anyone for being different, in and of itself, at all. What I will criticise people for, however, is adopting the attitude that when it comes to achieving their objectives, the ends justify the means, and therefore it's morally fine to be dishonest, or basically do whatever else they have to, to get what they want.

At the end of the day, I think you need to find out what makes you happy and embrace that lifestyle.

Embracing difference is only likely to make a person happy, as long as they genuinely are different in the manner they are trying to embrace. I remember Sir Ian McKellan, in an interview about his role in the X Men films, drawing an analogy between those mutants, and his own homosexuality. This is particularly interesting when you remember that a major element of the first film, involved his character, Magneto, using a machine to convert a senator into a mutant, with the result that the senator later died.

In other words, if a person really is a certain way, then yes, they need to integrate that; but if they aren't, they need to be very careful about becoming susceptible to the influence of others, who might try and coerce said individual into thinking that they are different when they are in fact not, for their own interests, rather than for the sake of the person in question's wellbeing.

find a girlfriend, pretend your a lesbian, the bricks will fall into the mortar.

reply to post by petrus4


I know what you mean about people in certain movements using individuals for their own aims and am suspicious of these people as well. I don't either like to see people taken advantage of and used for the ends of others. There are many groups out there actively looking for recruits and one should be cautious when coming out about these things.

I think to assume most people fit this prototype is a bit unfair as most people deserve to be judged on an individual basis. That is why I think people like the OP deserve the benefit of the doubt.

BlueMule, I like you; and you're right.

Procreation plumbing, stereotypical behavior, and self-indulgent vanity do not make a woman. Livestock and insects procreate.

Being Female is a spiritual state that transcends base generalities like brain (or anything else) size. Absurd 'scientific' trivia reveals the limited headset of the subscriber.

Great Spirits deliver us from the blind devotees of dogmatic programming.
Everything one needs to know about the bible is RIGHT HERE;
www.freethoughtnation.com...

Normalcy is an illusion. Look behind the mask and find a world of degenerate perversion.

REVEL in your uniqueness, and realize the Universe creates everything in all forms, and of persuasions we have yet to recognize, or even comprehend.