Biological parents want to contact me...

reply to post by Silverkiss
Hello Silverkiss,

I was contacted by my biological mother in my twenties. It brought up a lot of issues, just like you have mentioned: how will my family (adoptive) feel about this?, who are these people and why now?, how do I feel about having a mystery "family" of half-siblings, etc.? what are their and my expectations regarding all of this?

I went ahead with contact, as it was under emergency circumstances (serious illness/surgery) which my birth-mother survived, but at the time of contact, it was dicey.

Well, from my birth-mother's perspective, it was not "abandonment," her story helped me understand more what happened, and that she felt alone and unable to care for me. I have gone through all kinds of emotional ups and downs over it, but I'm a grown up, and understand!

For her, it was like I was "MIA" and she was tortured soon after by the thought of giving me up. She searched for years with no luck. She found someone I knew from my home town and thought for awhile that this other adoptee might be me, only to have both of them disappointed. I thought to myself later, that this is how I would have responded to having to give up a child for adoption in similar circumstances - I gained empathy.

So. Long story short. My parent's fears were that 1) they would be of low character or try to take advantage of me emotionally or otherwise, and they naturally felt protective, 2) that I would naturally "like" my birth-parents better than I liked them (i.e. have more in common somehow) and that would hurt them.

It was tough, but I am friends with both my birth mother and birth father, and have met one of my half-siblings. I now have answers to medical history, genetic "roots" (which is really nice), and their family histories, as well as a good relationship to boot. I also got to see people that looked like me for the first time in my life, which was good and weird at the same time.

If you want advice, then I would say to follow your heart, take only what risks seem reasonable and warranted, emotionally or otherwise, check them out ahead of time, and work to reassure your real parents (the ones that raised you) you are their own.

peace and good luck!

- AB

reply to post by Silverkiss


I actually have some first hand experience with this.

You owe it to yourself to learn of your heritage. I would suggest a mediated meeting. So much communication is lost through other mediums. You owe it to yourself to get the whole message from a face to face meeting. Do it with a mediator if you are uncomfortable. You can always end it, or choose after whether or not to continue contact.

You may find out a lot you never knew. Heck, you may not have even been given the whole story about the adoption, etc. I sure as heck know my step-kids weren't. For many years, they were kept from my wife, and lied to about the reasons why. Suddenly, they become 18, and the ones caring for them are no longer getting checks every month. So, suddenly, we're all ok to be with and they want us to take them in. We're glad for the chance, but hadn't seen the kids in over a decade.

We found out they were told all kinds of things. We just took it slow, and let them get to know us, and judge for themselves. What they found were cool parents, who love them very much, and are into the same things, etc. They were pleasantly surprised, and others say they've never seen the kids so happy or laugh and smile so much. Hopefully, may work out for you too.

And this doesn't mean you are dissing those who raised you. No reason they can't still be your parents, because they are too, even moreso for raising you.

reply to post by Silverkiss


There are 3 parties' feelings involved and considered - yours, adoptive parents and biological parent/s.
1) How did you feel when you received that mail and heard the bit of background information about those folks?
2) Did your A.P. know about this issue? What did they say?
3) Why is your B.F. seeking to contact you NOW? or has he been looking for you for a long period of time? What is his main purpose? To put you in his will as one of his assets heirs or......?

I met a lady a few years ago. She was about her 50's, had psychological problem - probably closed to psychopath, because the A.P. of her child denied their consent to contact. She became so obsessive that she secretly watched him outside the school campus, followed him home....... Day and night the image of her child stayed on her mind, and that made her suffered from insomnia. We told her to let it go. It's the best way of reciprocating their kindness raising her child in a functional family. Another gal, after met her B.F., they felt in love with each other because for them they were just strangers dating ( at the beginning was meeting ) as man and woman. They got married and she gave babies to him. It sounds absurd or even disgusting, right? But, it really happened.

Now the ball is in your hand. Sometimes our life goes easier when matters become simple. I would save my energy focusing on my bright future. I won't lose more since I never had it before; my life won't go worse since I'm doing well till now. After all it's all your decision. Good LUCK!!!

GMan420
I realize this thread is long dead but I just got put in the same boat today. My biological mother wants to make contact with me (adopted as a baby and am 40+ now). The state agency called me and apparently she has written me a letter and updated her health history information and it is all being mailed to me. I exercised the option to not let her know yet that they had located me. It's quite a lot to mull over and think about.

Found this thread with a Google search. Many of the replies were good food for thought. Thanks ATS.

I went through this scenario a few years ago. Was adopted as a newborn, and birth mother tracked me down through an agency.
If I can give any advice at all, it is much of what you have already read...
Proceed, but with caution. let your gut be your guide. This doesn't really change who you are. Don't ever, assume that the intentions of your birth parents are honest, they may not be. Health information is always good, but you don't have to have strings attached to it. Biggest question would be why the contact now?
I was overjoyed to meet my birth mother and little sister, but then I found out my birth mother had a very dark past which is how I came to be, and subsequently adopted. When she found out my life had turned out less than stellar, she rejected me a second time. Lots of pain and anguish all over again. It's an emotional roller coaster whether it turns out for the best or not. So prepare yourself for that. I wish you good luck.