Biological parents want to contact me...

Hi ATS

Quick background, I was adopted out at 8 days old. The only parents I ever knew were my adoptive ones who were always up front with me about my background.
Today I received some registered mail (which meant I had to sign for it...) and as I opened it thought "This is probably jury duty..."
It wasn't. It was from the Govt. Dept. in charge of adoptions in my state of Aust. asking me to call an agent ASAP.
I called the lady who proceeded to tell me my biological father was seeking to contact me and I could either deny consent to contact, seek mediated contact or go it alone...
She also told me a tiny bit of background information about these folks, stuff I never knew. Apparently I have at least 2 siblings and even some nieces and/or nephews.
Also at one stage someone contacted my biological mother claiming to be me (not only have I not done this, I wouldn't even know where to begin going about tracking an unknown person down!) and the contact attempt seems to have cost her a marriage or relationship...
After 38 years I am absolutely shocked to hear from the agency and even more so to find out these people want to contact me.
I really don't know how to feel, on the one hand it's very exciting, but I also feel a little bit cautious. There's the feelings of my adoptive family to consider (who are after all, the only family I have ever known).
I"m tending towards slowly establishing contact, firstly via letter writing through the agency (acting as a mediator) but obviously having no prior experience am not sure if this is the best course of action...
Anyone out there with similar experience or advice??

Silver

It could be really interesting to find out your lineage, and give you a chance to expand your perspective about what defines a parent.

I have never had this experience, not being adopted, so ultimately my advice is worthless. Obviously you are the only one that can make this decision. But I did have an acquaintence who had this happen to him. He decided to meet his biological mother and at first they hit it off quite well. But the mother became clingy and started to try to get more time and attention from him, which he didn't like. Also she tried to wheedle money out of him with guilt and pity, which of course made him feel very uncomfortable. Ultimately he broke off contact and said it was a highly negative experience and he wished he'd never met her. So think carefully, I guess.

My step mother searched for years for her biological parents. She was adopted out of an orphanage. She passed away last year not knowing who her real parents were. It's a once in a chance lifetime opportunity to get background on those who left you and to get answers. I say go for it. You may not get the chance again.

I don't speak with my biological father after a decade of not speaking with him and his recently failed attempt at starting a relationship again.
He's a horrible person and unable to carry on a loving and fruitful relationship.

While my situation is different, the point I'm trying to get at is this situation is here in your face and you should set some guidelines before you meet.
The emotional potential in all this could astound and even harm you.

It could also be the greatest thing in your life.

I recommend seeing them because it'll mess with your head later if you don't.

BUT.. make sure it's understood that if you choose to not see them again they should stay the hell OUT of your life if such a decision were made.

b

I say give it a go. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, you can end the relationship right there and then. I think your adoptive parents will be understanding in this matter and know that you love them. Keep us posted!

I would seek mediated contact first, just to be safe, and don't give out ANY personal information till you have checked out your biological parent/parents very carfully, especially your home or work address.

Other than those things I mentioned above, I wish you the best of luck, this may turn out to be a great thing.



Peace

Go for it. You would regret it later in life if you did not. I am sure your adoptive family has expected this day to come eventually. Some people don't have families.. You now have two.

reply to post by Silverkiss


I also have no like experiences in this area, however I'll offer my advice anyways.. I think you should sit yourself down and really address how this idea makes you feel. Take the time to think it over. Sounds corny, I know, but it basically comes down to whether or not you really want to meet your biological father and open that whole can of worms (Not necessarily a bad thing, just very new and therefor stressful). It's one of those things you have to weigh the potential pros and cons of if at all possible.. I'd also invite your adopted parents to weigh in on the idea. This way you all can have that communication open early, and will help you make a decision.

If all that goes well and you've decided to give your biological father a chance, I'd let him know early that you will be taking this whole thing rather slowly (meaning I wouldn't just allow him to visit alone, no involvement of other relatives yet, ext,ext). I would even suggest going about it with the mediator that was offered by the adoption center. That's both the safest and less stressing bet to make. If he honors that, then you two can go about talking and then meeting as you both become more comfortable.Like another posted said (though I'm paraphrasing); You should be careful. I know you are, but it bares reminding. This man is a stranger still.. and will be for some time (or forever depending on your choice).

Keep us updated! I wish you the best of luck and stay strong!

From personal experience, please, take it very slowly and be careful.

Sometimes these things can be very good and other times disaster strikes.

Anyone can have sex and have a child. From your birth parents you get a genetic makeup. That is all you get! Who you are is largely due to the Mum and Dad that lovingly raise you! Remember who you are.

Go the slow way and give little information out about yourself. Take someone with you that is good at reading people. If you have any, even the tinniest nibble of hesitation, back away and think about it.

They may not be nice people. Most of us get to choose our friends, but not our family.

Slow and careful.

P

reply to post by Silverkiss


Dear Silverkiss,

My brother in law was adopted. He never wanted to meet his biological parents because he felt that he should be loyal to the family that did raise him. His adopted sister chose to meet with her biological mother and that lasted about a year. It could go well or it could go horribly wrong. I guess the real question is why do you want to meet with them? A question that only you can decide. Will you feel free if they are broke and horrible people and will you feel blessed if they are rich and want to take you back? What result will change what has already occurred? What direction will you take if they are sorry for their mistake (if it was a mistake)? Consider all the possibilities of how it could turn out and then assume it may be the worst and then ask yourself if you still want to meet with them. Peace.

reply to post by Silverkiss


i also was adopted out ,, in fact my family had to PAY $10,000 to the mother and hospital/agency..

i always knew i was adopted.. and 18 months after getting adopted my mom was able to have her own children, naturally with my dad
, so i have a pair of siblings who came after..

i had heard the stories of the family i came from, and how i was the 5th child in the family, but the parents had split
up before i was born..

i never really wanted to meet my Bio-mom,, but my brothers and or Sisters who would be older, would be nice..

i have some really strange genetics, (horseshoe Kidneys and one other annomily ), and having others who may have gone through similar problems would be nice...


in the state i was born, all Adoption papers are sealed.. so i NEVER will be able to have that opportunity ..

but if i did......

i would stay away from hurting your REAL family,,(yes the ones who you have knowen all your life)--
this kind of disruption can cause MORE harm then good..!!

run away

the answers you get will not satisfy the questions you ask!!!

u2u me

personally I think that's something I would prefer to avoid. it could put your relationship with your parents at risk methinks.

I grew up without a father. Al I knew was his name and what city he was from.
At age 36 I decided to see if I could find him. Oddly enough I found him on the first phone call from the phone book.
He said he thought I exsisted but was never sure and didn't pursue the issue.

We met at a Mc Donalds for about an hour and talked. Nothing major. He didn't want me to contact him again and I never did. At least I know what I will look like at 70 and I am heading that direction (appearance wise).

Go see. You may never get this chance again. You don't have to keep a relationship afterwards.

I would suggest being open to contact from your biological parents.

If you get to communicate with your bio. parents, REMEMBER to ask them about any hereditary or other health problems in their family lines (such as allergies, rare blood types, family "weaknesses"). This could be extremely important even if you don't otherwise associate with them.

Also, ask them about other siblings and close relations, get names and addresses, even if those others didn't express an interest in you just yet. Things may change. AND there is the possibility of organ transplant from a related donor ...... in fact, prepare for the possibility that this is why your bio parents are trying to contact you!

Sometimes long-lost parents want to make up for lost time by practically smothering you with attention and gifts. Sometimes they want to suddenly be promoted to your dearest relatives - instead of the parents who raised you. Be prepared for such an onslaught and be able to discourage it politely but firmly.

In this world, all sorts of unexpected things happen, and we sometimes need all the help we can get even from people we didn't know were there. So, yes, allow yourself some contact with your bio parents. You are not obliged to get more involved with them or their families beyond that, but the merest contact could give you useful health information, and, who knows?, it could turn into something better.

I wasn't adopted and my situation is a little different than yours. But I did find my mother
after she had gone missing for over two decades. She up and left my father and her
children just 19 days shy of my 1st birthday. I had 2 brothers and a sister (my brothers
have both passed) and none of them wanted anything to do with her. I've maintained a
relationship with her over the last 20 years or so. She had started a whole new family
that included 2 sons. Her new husband knew about her old life but her 2 sons didn't
have a clue so it was a big surprise to them to learn they had other siblings.

Overall I'd say it was a positive experience. But there were definitely some drawbacks.
The negatives came mostly from my own expectations I suppose. This woman was
my mother and yet I didn't know her. It was (and still is) a little weird sometimes.
Fortunately she's a good person. Why she left is another story, mostly to do with
problems with my father.

If you don't connect with these people you will always wonder. It will always be at the
back of your mind. You'll always feel like your missing a huge piece of a puzzle. But
I would say you definitely need to be cautious as well. Try not to have too many
expectations or you may very well be disappointed because the only real connection
you have with them at this point is blood relation.

reply to post by Silverkiss


You owe it to yourself to find out who you are and where you came from.
The first consideration is how do YOU feel about it.

The other parties will fall in line from there.

My guess is that your adoptive parents would want you to explore it, all the while, they also realize (as you do no doubt) that they will always be the ones that raised you.

Personally, my advice would be to go for it, as if you don't, you'll always wonder, and likely regret it. Find out about your siblings...

This isn't an "Instead of" thing...it's "additional" family.

I realize this thread is long dead but I just got put in the same boat today. My biological mother wants to make contact with me (adopted as a baby and am 40+ now). The state agency called me and apparently she has written me a letter and updated her health history information and it is all being mailed to me. I exercised the option to not let her know yet that they had located me. It's quite a lot to mull over and think about.

Found this thread with a Google search. Many of the replies were good food for thought. Thanks ATS.

Originally posted by GMan420
I realize this thread is long dead but I just got put in the same boat today. My biological mother wants to make contact with me (adopted as a baby and am 40+ now). The state agency called me and apparently she has written me a letter and updated her health history information and it is all being mailed to me. I exercised the option to not let her know yet that they had located me. It's quite a lot to mull over and think about.

Found this thread with a Google search. Many of the replies were good food for thought. Thanks ATS.

As a Councillor specializing in children I have dealt with these issues now and again.

For children and young adults it can be a nightmarish minefield. My advice for young members is to seek help from a Councillor or psychologist before and during the journey of discovering your alternative family.

At 40 you should be able to handle it. Please, please, please do not go it alone. Take a trusted wise friend with you just for support.

Anyone can make babies, raising them is the real hard work. Your adopted parents are the heroes here.

Take it slow, use emails for a while. Don't jump in to the deep end straight away. Go into the situation with the prime thought that you have the power to end the contact at any time.

Lastly, do not give your home addy until you are very sure!

Prepare for an emotional roller coaster. Hope this helps. PM me if you have the need.

P

I think you should get in contact with them. If you don't, there's a chance you would beat yourself up over it for the rest of your life. I'm not saying that will happen, but it's possible.

This way, if they end up not being the people you hope they are, then you can just break off all contact with them. Then you will never have that feeling of "what if" in the back of your mind.