wife with benefits or does he really love me in some sense

reply to post by dmonkey






You are exercising your rights in ALLOWING him to treat you with TOTAL DISRESPECT!

So stop expecting sympathy...

In your own words "I just want him to stop ruining our relationship"

But WHY? would he stop doing what YOU are ALLOWING him to do?


Bottom line>>You are not wanting what he is giving - He is giving what you are not wanting

reply to post by GreenEyedVixen


Thousands upon thousands of young women have been through these things but you have a fantastic way of telling it. You should write a book. It would be a best-seller.

Seriously. If it helps even a couple of girls not to make the same mistakes as us older ones then it'll be worth it.

The problem as we can see here is, a lot of young women don't like taking advice. They have to experience it all for themselves, like they're the only ones on the planet with this BURDEN. It's like they're caught up in their own mini-melodrama and throwing that damned burden straight in the bin is an option they can't even see. And for us women with experience, looking back, it was the only option worth doing.

Well, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But what a waste of time to learn that. And there's always damage.

reply to post by wigit


Funny....

A lot of people tell me I should write a book about it. Maybe I will, do something constructive with my experience... maybe it'll touch someone out there enough to stop their own cycle of abuse.

I don't know how many times I need to hear something until I do it. haha.

Just wouldn't even know how to start it, where to begin....

reply to post by GreenEyedVixen






AND...when it's a BEST seller wouldn't that constute

Revenge is best served up cold

reply to post by eletheia


Thank you for your kind words and encouragement everyone

I think I'm going to do it now. I love to write.... and I have so many stories to tell. I feel empowered to do it now.

I will be sure to post any success I have here, if I do succeed.

I already came up with the perfect title, which truly resonates with me.

Thank you all so much. I know this thread isn't about me, but maybe my story being put out will help those like the OP.

I am a husband and father. I love my wife. As such, I would not cheat on her... I have had several opportunities, but I never ever persued them... never.

That being said...He does NOT love you. Any decent man would not treat his wife this way.

Leave as soon as you can.

Then get counseling for YOU. It is apparent there is a pattern, and all you will do is make the same mistake again. Basically, you make the same choices but expect a different outcome... you have to change your outlook, change what you expect, and then change the way you feel about yourself.

You deserve better. In simple terms, you are settling for microwave hamburgers having never tasted a real steak... so after a few years and enough abuse, you think this is normal. It is not.

You deserve someone that will love you, treat you as an equal and partner, listen to you, share his feelings with you, open your door, fix dinner when you are down or ill, do the manly things around the house or help you do them, and basicaslly treat you like a great and loving and wondeful person you are... flowers for no reason, change his plans when you change your mind, sit down and watch the girly movie because he knows you will watch the guy movie next time.... have an extra hundred tucked away for emergencies or spare of moment opportunities... because thats what husbands do... and so much more.

But until you leave this dirt bag, you will never know that kind of love. You deserve better.

Originally posted by GreenEyedVixen
Just wouldn't even know how to start it, where to begin....

Just tell it like you did in previous posts but this time you're telling us the whole story from the beginning. Buy some jotters today.

reply to post by GreenEyedVixen


I agree you have a wonderful way with words, and I hope you will write your story. I don't know what's going on, and why so many men are so hateful toward women.

While ex and I where still together I came across this young women in the neighborhood one night, she was in her 20's and she was running down the street crying and very shaken up because her live in BF had just beaten her up, and she asked me to help her cause her BF had hid her car keys so she couldn't leave.

Ironically, my abusive BF and I went over and confronted the guy, actually I more confronted him, because my BF felt it was none of our buisness, but he did walk over with me to try and get her keys, he had thrown them in the yard somewhere, and it was dark, so we couldn't find them. The young girl waited with us until her mother came to get her.

Later that night my BF and I got into a fight because " I was such a bitch, and had no right to get involved and get in this guys face" it's just all sooo crazy and sad.....

reply to post by dmonkey

my ex of 12 years was addicted to porn photos and spent hours every day collecting pics. he had 43,000+ pics when i left. and to him it was no big deal. he constantly fantasized about them and me together and i felt 2nd rate. never good enough to hold his attention there was always better "eye candy" to look at. i am not a model, i have big boobs. lol. i used to be a size 10. i am not now. my current, likes me the way i am.. and doesn't want me to be anythign else. so he says. he seemed more attacted to me when i am a little heavy. weirdo. lol

While that amount is excessive, EVERY guy looks at some porn now and then. Women seem to think we are fantasizing about the women in the pics and vids. That really isn't so, at least not in my case. More often than not, it's the idea of the scenarios themselves that is the turn on (whether the actual scenario, or one we imagine)...not the gals in the pics...we're just visually stimulated is all. There is no "we'd rather be with her than you" thing, as women seem to want to believe. It just isn't so. Just like women read porn novels, and yet we harbor no fears that you really want Jean Claude or Ramone, etc. over your hubby. I'd much rather have porn with my wife in it, personally. (or watching with one with the wife...especially the parodies...they are hilarious)

Of course, like anything, there is a such thing as too much, and this guy seems to meet that criteria....he definitely seemed addicted. I'm amazed just pics did it for him, if he was that into it, as for most porn addicts, it's a downward spiral to where they need more and more sick and twisted stuff to do it for them.

Originally posted by dmonkey
and yes i know they had sex.

and i have feelings it has been more than just that one time with other people. i just don't have proof.

i let it go. ill get angry about it, cry about it, and then .. i just don't know.

i am beginning to think this is the way all men are.

they ignore you.
they use you
they get what they want and forget the rest.

if they are all that way, why change to a new one? same result

i am just saying...

You appear to be settling on this one person. The great thing about people is that there are similarities and there are differences.

Are you the same as me? I'm a male, but other than that are you the same as me?

Is Lady Gaga the same as you?

We all have holes in our rationales. It only takes you to understand that it makes sense and does not require assurances from any where else.

Though honestly you ought to try some sneaking around yourself, except not with another man. There are women out there who are tired of selfish men like your husband and realize what they need is another woman in their lives who will be able to provide the support and relationship they have always wanted.

It's your life in the end, so you are free to do as you please. As if it matters at all, I don't have sympathy nor pity towards your situation. I want people to make life what it is they think it should be. If this is your idea of an existence you want to continue, please continue to do so.

As for the "I'm 43 and start over again," comment...Really? Are you going to come back from the dead and take another crack at life? You know what, don't answer that, as it may not be appropriate for me to even ask, as it is condescending in nature.

It's YOUR life. Find your bearings and move forward.

reply to post by Gazrok

I'd much rather have porn with my wife in it, personally.

While I agree that I'm not fantasizing about being with those women instead of my wife, or mistress lol, I disagree. I personally view some porn specifically because its things I wouldn't want to degrade my wife with.

sometimes it's just about sex, where as with a partner, where love is involved, it should be more.

they ignore you.
they use you
they get what they want and forget the rest.

if they are all that way, why change to a new one? same result

No, I'm sorry, not all mean are like that, not even all mean who are leaving their wives for someone else. Boys act that way. You married a boy.

And what is worse, you enabled all of this behavior, you aren't to blame, but he will do whatever you let him get away with doing, and apparently that's a whole hell of a lot.

And it's too bad, you are probably a really nice woman, and could probably meet a really nice man and be happy, but now, you've convinced yourself he's the only one, and that all men would act in such a way.

I'm "cheating" on my wife in the sense that I've talked to, flirted with, and falling in love with another woman. It happened for various reasons and causes, some of my own doing, some of hers.

But, I wouldn't so much as kiss another woman, while I'm married.

so where does that put ME in your list ?

reply to post by Gazrok


It's nice to hear a man's perceptive on porn in such a healthy light, lol, and I agree there can be some "humor" and "spice" added to a healthy relationship by a couple sharing a "naughty" movie.

I think what unfortunately is happening in many cases though, is that access to sooo much porn on the internet, and more and more extreme and violent porn has warped some men's perception of reality, especially younger men. There was a very interesting thread here recently about the "porn experiment" and I was really shocked to hear several men chiming in and saying...they needed more and more, preferred it to "actual" women, if women didn't screw everything up bending gender roles and making men into "wimps" porn wouldn't be so popular?

Now alot of wonderful, loving men like yourself, also chimed in and cared about thier partners feelings, and these men are certainly NOT wimps....and I honestly don't understand what "power" some men believe they achieve by "degrading", over powering, and reducing women to "stupid whores"....The term "Bitch" actually sends me off the deep end, and perhaps I even can become one, when I feel my feelings are dismissed, and it becomes a vicious cycle....

I don't know, I have really been confused lately, I worry about OP going camping with with so much un-resolved emotions in her heart, I'm heartbroken hearing green eyes story of abuse, when I think of her being so "in love" hand in hand with her man who tells her she is his future...she takes this to HEART...makes love to him in the sunshine, and she was happy, I know she was,.....THEN he just turns on her...because she DARES to confront him about courting other women, as she is laying there naked? WTF? Then he can't even leave it at that, he throws her clothes in a dirty pond, and she has to walk home wet and broken..

As I write this I am filled with "Flashbacks", that are so awful, humiliating, that I still can not even "wrap my mind around" everything that has happened. How could I have been sooo dumb? I'm smart, pretty, fun-loving, domestic, sexual, why did he want to hurt me so much? Am I capable of ever getting over this? I do appreciate the opportunity to work out these feelings here...lol, I'm not OK yet......

reply to post by phishyblankwaters


You do realise I hope that the porn you view to "spare" your wife from things she might find degrading does mean that another woman is "degraded" to make that fantasy happen for you.

If you look into the porn industry it is pretty sleezy and horrible. Yeah, maybe a young, broke woman, usually from a broken home, and on drugs, "legally" agrees and is very much "pressured" into doing things, that like you pointed out, most women would not like, doesn't make it right.

As the Mom of a 21 yr old daughter who was abducted and raped...extreme, violent porn is a whole other animal then "playboy" and "fun-loving" porn.

Hi. I actually think it depends on what you are willing to live with. It's not what you want, but it is in a way, and it has worked for brief periods in the past, yes?

You don't want to go, but you don't want stay. Hm. Quite a dilemma.

The people on here saying they would leave immediately; would. As you pointed out, it's not about them. They are not you.

I'm not sure you can have the relationship you imagine with this man. Have you thought about redefining your relationship? You don't have a 'conventional marriage'. You never have. Maybe you are not cut out for 'conventional marriages'. Some people aren't.

If you redefine your marriage to an 'open' one, and do some sort of emotional/mental gymnastic, perhaps you can find a way to make it work for you. He's not going to change, so that's not an option. It is all left to you, to put up with it......or not. To change your own mindset and values..to suit his.

What concerns me is that you can redefine the relationship and it will work for a while, but then think about what happens one year, or five years, or ten years down the road, and you consider your circumstances, and realize this is not at all what you want. You decide you want a conventional marriage, without outside lovers, and sexual liaisons. Then what? You will be back to where you are now, only older, and finding it more and more difficult to find another mate.

But don't lose sight of the fact that you have control. He doesn't. You can accept this situation; you can change the way you look it; but you can't change him. Not to say he won't ever change. He might. But it won't be because of you. It will be because he wants to.

My two.