A question for the ladies.

This one is meant for the ladies. If men reply, please state that you are a man, otherwise this whole thing might just start getting weird.

If there is one reason you could pinpoint that keeps you from having sex, a relationship, or both, what would it be. If there are a few underlying reasons, we can go with that too.

Very simple question. Very straightforward and hopefully something we can talk about like adults. I'll get to responding later in the morning. I'd like a little insight into this.

Also, if you're not in America, please say so. I think this makes a difference.

One thing that keeps me from having sex/relationship.....

No man !

I'm in the UK ......anyone know where I can find a good one ?

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


It does'nt matter which country we all hail from and does not make a difference!

May I ask if you are a man or woman?, this will make a difference to my answer.

I'm a man. In the U.S. The only reason I asked about location was that when I was in Europe in the 80's, people over there seemed to have a much more relaxed approach to all this. I got back home to the states and you could almost feel the tension and the hang-ups in the air.

I'm just asking for general reasons. I've been noticing lately, from people I see and things I see on T.V. that not much stock is put into serious relationships. As if a lot of people are like: "What's the point?" When people do try it seems really hard for a lot of people and there always seems to be complications. Like way too much thought is put into it. I'm the type of man who will take something like this seriously, but I try not to analyze it too much.

Notice I said TRY.

Sometimes things are a bit more involved than you'd like them to be, and if you're serious about someone you're going to put some energy into it. I just like to break things down quickly to the most common denominator and get whatever issues there are resolved as fast as I can. I don't see too much of that from other people. I see people analyzing things to death with nothing getting solved.

I guess what I'm asking is what is it that works for some people that doesn't work for others. I'd like to hear other peoples' opinions because I'd rather not draw off solely on my own experiences when the time comes to start giving my daughter advice on things like this. If for any other reason, times are different now. That's why I was trying to draw out the women on this site that have current experience.

Originally posted by solargeddon
One thing that keeps me from having sex/relationship.....

No man !

I'm in the UK ......anyone know where I can find a good one ?

edit on 6-5-2012 by solargeddon because: (no reason given)

Thanks. That's a good start. No good men to be found.

You hear that quite a bit actually. Do you think you set your standards too high or are most men you meet just bums?

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


Most of the time its down to not being a approached.

What is it with men, I thought they made the moves ? (but I guess not), granted it doesn't help as I have two kids in tow, standards, yes I have them, but I don't think its impossible, I'm more interested in there being a spark if nothing else, they haven't got to be rich or anything like that, just available, and interesting.

Oh well maybe one day, if I'm lucky, one thing you can alway's count on, you can never pre-empt it, it just happend, usually when you least expect it.

So I guess I am just not that lucky with spontaneity !

Originally posted by solargeddon
Oh well maybe one day, if I'm lucky, one thing you can alway's count on, you can never pre-empt it, it just happend, usually when you least expect it.

You have to make yourself available though, and to some extent advertise that availability. Men are not necessarily that intuitive, personally, had I waited for a guy to make the first move, I'd still be a virgin And, the ones who were more forward, or had the 'lines' were slime balls who just wanted someone to adorn their arm, that looked pretty but keep their gob shut and just nodded when spoken too.

If you want to meet someone you need to go to places where there are men who are available and ameniable, not pre-empting, just giving it a little helping hand. I've noticed that if you go to the parks on a Saturday, they are usually teeming with weekend access-Dad's...I avoid Saturdays, for that very reason...but if you're wanting to put yourself out there and find someone sympathetic to your situation...that would be my tip... And it is always easy to start a conversation when you have children...

Just because it always used to 'just happen' doesn't mean that you should stay in that groove...after all, how did those relationships work out for you? Perhaps, going to a cake shop and carefully considering the choices available, trying a few before you buy, should be your new strategy...the shelves are already choccablock with those waiting to be picked...be a picker instead, the odds are much better.

For me personally, I think it is that many men don't know what to do with me after they meet me, but that is fine because I am not the type that needs to be in a relationship to be happy. I am not the clingy type and I need my space. I hate shopping and could care less about shoes. I hate spending time on the phone and would rather go fishing than to the movies. I am very tomboyish in many aspects, yet I am very feminine in the way a dress, and my appearance aside from the shoe thing. I think it confuses the crap out of guys. I have noticed guys seem to want what they complain about in women.
Also, I am not the type to approach guys and the type of guys I am usually attracted to are more shy.

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


A lazy male is the biggest turnoff in the world.

And it never ceases to amaze me how guys just don't understand this point.

someone even gave me a book called porn for women it is is pictures of hunky guys doing housework, lol.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
reply to post by Taupin Desciple

 

A lazy male is the biggest turnoff in the world.

And it never ceases to amaze me how guys just don't understand this point.

someone even gave me a book called porn for women it is is pictures of hunky guys doing housework, lol.

I look at it this way. I'll give a typical conversation among strangers in this day and age.

Boy: Hello
Girl: Hi

Boy: How are ya?
Girl: What's it to you?

Next day.....

Boy: Hello
Girl: Hi

Boy: How are ya?
Girl: What's it to you?

Next Day.....

Boy: Hello
Girl: Hi

Next Day.....

Boy: .....
Girl: WTF??? Oh... NOW you're too good for me?

lol

As many find, girls are... Sorry ladies... total bitches today.

Once upon a time, guys were the ones expected to cheat. Today... I'm seeing, finding alot of that happening the other way round. Lots of wives are leaving husbands ... thanks ecconomy... Trying to find greener grass from the first day of their new relationships.

I watch this in my step daughters, their mom, (my X) and much of the people they hang around with.

I remember saying this years ago to my X when argued over the company she started keeping..

Birds of a feather.... Year later... Guess I was right... Her new friends were all freshly out of their marriage, cheating on hubbies and doing it in front of people that may go back and say something.

My X wanted me to meet her friends hubby at the time. So.. I pick my X up from work, we follow her friend to another guys house.. watch this girl all over this guy.. then we go to her house so I can meet her hubs.. At this point.. The last thing I wanted to do was look at this guy cause I felt so small just because I was there... and I knew.

To my X.. I mentioned how messed up this was. She got mad at me because I judged her friend. months later.. Guess what the X does...


Watching guys cheat on women pisses me off to no end.

Watching girls do the same... because guys do it.. makes me just as mad.

It's really hard to look at people today and say "Ya know, that person seems cool", because so many people are doing so much pathetic BS these days to each other.

Relationships and Marriages are without substance these days and people are quick to rid themselves at the first sign of trouble. Marriages are more akin to dating these days. The word itself lacks definition anymore.

People are lucky if they can hold on to a marriage for more than a few years now. Now, it's an obligation and a lockdown. So marriages are now dating, and dating is more less NSA now (just sex). I seldom see happy couples together anymore. I seldom see PDA anymore. Most people I talk to now are all "in Divorce" because...

the number 1 answer... They were too overprotective... Too nosey... Never let me do anything...

and the number 1 responce for said answer...

They were too secrative, they never wanted to do anything with me, always without me. I always felt like less of their friend. Their friends had more say and could joke and kid, but when i did so, I was looked at as though I was way out of line.


Personaly, I think too many people are taking too much for granted. No one knows what being together is realy about. FWBs are more likely to have an easy going life than "happy" couples.

I dunno... Everyone's messed up.. Ladies are acting as slutty as men. I guess that only leaves men to be lil bitches to play the roll of a woman now? Hell I dunno, but attitudes of women today make it hard for a guy to walk up and be friendly. They've taken on the rolls of 13 year olds in attitude while guys quickly loose their much needed testosterone lol

But yeah, I know... it goes both ways..

Women, if you want a nice guy... Talk to one when he speaks to you.. Truth is... Women, like men, revert back to what they claim they dont want simply because they cant handle a truely nice guy.

It goes both ways... Guys are supposed to do this... girls are supposed to do this.... Yeah? Well, it dont happen that way anymore. Those days are gone. Too much trouble on both sides have everyone desensatized. We dont know HOW we're supposed to act anymore.

To be honest OP.. I dont see any real way of answering your post because to me, in truth, relationships are built falsely. Usually boils down to what the person has, is capable of, or will have.. Almost never on personality.

Gals like guys often look for what they cant compare to. No, not what they cant have... Big Diffrence.

Big women looking for hot men... Big guys looking for hot women... Sure, there are people who have specific taste, but weight and proportions are a big deal with people. It goes both ways, but for me, I like a woman to be firm all over, not big, not skinny. I find some big women attractive as I do some skinny women. Still rather a certain body type of neither of those.

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


Guy here, from Aust.

Problem I see with relationships is like pretty much everything out there today. Everyone seems to have this sense of entitlement when it comes to everything, not just relationships. These days it all seems to be me, me, me, and the hell with anyone else.

People say their standards are too high, to me, it's just people covering for the fact they are shallow and meaningless in their ethics, and put what their friends or the world in general will think with their decision above looking a little deeper at something that may just turn out to be great.

People, even people who have no ethical standards or morals still think they deserve an 18 year old blonde stunner that cooks and cleans (for the guys), and some Wolverine bodybuilder that woos and dines them every night and sings them poetry in their spare time (for the girls). Sad reality is, that most people are average. They dont have sixpacks or double-ds, and aren't kid free jetsetters. They are normal people with normal lives, and all the crap we have been brainwashed with by Hollywood and the magazines and even god forbid the dreaded P word, have all given us this unrealistic image to aim for.

In addition I think people are scared to take on actual live-in relationships, as it is far too easy to be cleaned out of everything you own for the sake of six months of supposed happiness. As time goes on, I see more and more single people hooking up when the need arises, and generally just being friends otherwise. As a result I think in times to come, we will see an even more isolated society than we have today.

Originally posted by calstorm
For me personally, I think it is that many men don't know what to do with me after they meet me, but that is fine because I am not the type that needs to be in a relationship to be happy. I am not the clingy type and I need my space. I hate shopping and could care less about shoes. I hate spending time on the phone and would rather go fishing than to the movies. I am very tomboyish in many aspects, yet I am very feminine in the way a dress, and my appearance aside from the shoe thing. I think it confuses the crap out of guys. I have noticed guys seem to want what they complain about in women.
Also, I am not the type to approach guys and the type of guys I am usually attracted to are more shy.

So in other words you're a desperado. You want what you can't get. I just never got the connection between wanting to be in a relationship and being clingy though. I don't see those two being the same. I think everyone wants to be with someone. I understand that everyone has their own definition of what a relationship is. For some people it's being physically close all the time, for others it's not. Same emotionally.

I like your honesty. I also like the fact that you know yourself well enough to know what you have to give and you're not not afraid to say it. That's one way I want my daughter to be. That does seem to be an imposing attribute that a lot of people, men and women, are a little afraid of.

That does seem to be the general consensus with this topic though. People don't know how to be real with themselves and others anymore. It's as if society has given people so many choice on what they CAN be, they forgot who they really are.

reply to post by theRhenn


A lot of what you said makes sense to me. Same with the poster beneath you. We live in a complicated world that makes having a simple relationship almost impossible. And on top of that, these are just simple relationships we're talking about here. I guess it's no wonder then that people don't focus on finding love. Just BEING with someone is work enough.

Great, now I'm starting to feel sorry for my daughters future.

So far what I'm getting at for her is......aim high, don't stake your emotions on it until you hit your mark and keep it real at the same time. You have to at least TRY to find love.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
reply to post by Taupin Desciple

 

A lazy male is the biggest turnoff in the world.

And it never ceases to amaze me how guys just don't understand this point.

someone even gave me a book called porn for women it is is pictures of hunky guys doing housework, lol.

I know that book........I posed for it.

You're right though. I don't see a lot of people out there, men or women, with a strong work ethic. They're out there, don't get me wrong, and when you find one you want to fight tooth and nail to keep them.

reply to post by theRhenn


I just re-read you post and focused in on the sex part. A lot of that hit home. Not because me or the x were slutty or anything, but the accusation part. When I'm with someone I'm committed. I have tunnel vision. That's not to say I don't flirt, I've always been that way. Make the first move and all that, but after all those years spent with her you would've thought that she would know that innocent flirting is just that....innocent.

But that wasn't the case and that was one small piece of the wedge that made up the whole one that drove us apart.

After all those years.............she didn't know me at all.

Originally posted by Taupin Desciple
reply to post by theRhenn

 

Great, now I'm starting to feel sorry for my daughters future.

So far what I'm getting at for her is......aim high, don't stake your emotions on it until you hit your mark and keep it real at the same time. You have to at least TRY to find love.

I think the best thing to do for our kid's future is to teach them the opposite of the norm these days, that being yourself is more important than being what society wants you to be, than being what the world thinks you should be just in order to be with someone.

Some people just get it right off the bat, they meet the right person and that's it. Others do it over and over, and then some just never find it. Then there's others who aren't interested and happy to be on their own. As parents I thinks its way more important to teach your kids to be smart and honest than it is to be desperately seeking love or companionship, thus turning them into something they're not at heart.

There's enough pressure growing up these days with image and technology without forcing another rule upon our kids imo.

reply to post by Taupin Desciple

If there is one reason you could pinpoint that keeps you from having sex, a relationship, or both, what would it be. If there are a few underlying reasons, we can go with that too.

First off, dude here.

Ok, now for the answer.

The ONLY reason people ACTUALLY have for not having sex, a relationship, or both is because they don't have someone right now who they are attracted to, and who's also available and is attracted back. Any OTHER excuse is just that, an excuse...and it's BS. Single people will even lie to themselves about this, but in the end, it's still a lie, any way you slice it. We all want that companionship. Anyone who says differently, is only BS'ing themselves...not this guy.

Not enough depth.
I like connection, and there's rarely enough of that going when people approach me for sex. As for relationships, if you're going to unite with another person that way, share your life with them, they've got to connect with you REALLY well.
Besides, I'm in a relationship at the moment, so I won't be shagging or dating any one but him. He is my soul mate.

I'm an Australian woman, to clarify.

Women here, U.S.

I think if people met in more intimate places, instead of clubs or with friends people would be more inclined to hook up with people that they had a more personal connection with. Nowadays both sexes rely on the opinion of their friends for who they hook up with.

So instead of you wishing no one would say anything if you went home with the less attractive, less slutty women at the bar, that you initially had a great conversation with, you wind up with someone that you regret sleeping with and back at the bar next week, because your friends gave you some slack about it.

Peace, NRE.

For me; I've been single for a few years solely due to lack of real connections. I have been through the casual dating / friends-with-benefits ordeal, and in the end, I realized that it was a deadend road and would never lead to my desired destination..

Sex can be had any day of the week, but an intimate connection to another... deeply knowing, trusting and connecting with someone... not only as a partner, but also as a friend and supporter... is the ultimate prize and well worth the wait.

I know exactly what I want now, and I'm completely content alone with myself until I find that.

However... I also believe that it takes some experience and growing up to do to reach that point..

If someone had told me even 5 years ago that casual sex only led to headaches, I would've never believed them..