The silent suffering of a sexless marriage

Originally posted by TheXoor
I want to thank you all for your replies.

Now I will decide whether or not to show my wife this thread...

That depends how you think she will react. You haven't said anything specific about her as far as I can tell, but some people find sexual issues private and embarrassing and she might be horrified that you went online and asked a bunch of complete strangers (no better person to ask imo, since it's a neutral party) what you should do lol.

reply to post by Annee

If they don't then it's because they haven't found the right partner to bring out their inner animal or they're so old that they have virtually 0 libido.

Come on over and I'll show you. That back massage will turn into all kinds of shenanigans.

Originally posted by TheLegend
reply to post by Annee

 

If they don't then it's because they haven't found the right partner to bring out their inner animal or they're so old that they have virtually 0 libido.

Come on over and I'll show you. That back massage will turn into all kinds of shenanigans.

Dude - - I got divorced right in the middle of the sexual revolution.

Enuff said.

Originally posted by Annee
Dude - - I got divorced right in the middle of the sexual revolution.

Enuff said.

Whatever. Then quit constantly flirting with me, it's making me uncomfortable.

reply to post by TheXoor


Realistically you should get your wife to a doctor asap. As loss of libido may be the result of a medical problem. But if there is no medical problem, try counseling for awhile. That gives you a twofer:

1) It creates a record of the abuse(withholding sex is a form of emotional abuse)
2) You tried.

So that if you do go for divorce, you can try and aim for an "at fault" divorce. But realistically, this is why marriage is a super, duper dumb idea for guy's. Because if the situation was reversed, women have many avanues of recourse. Chances are though, given you are male, you will face discrimination in the court system from two different sources.

The first type to discriminate against you will be matriarchal, gynocentric feminist bigots(kind of like the bigots who openly advocate for a matriarchal system). These types are doing it just because your a man, and she is a woman. The term "girls club" very much applies(these type also obsess over a make believe boy's club).

The second is just as zealoted, but slowly losing power: Matriarchal Traditionalist's. These type think that men should lay belly down on the ground so as to prevent a gal from accidentally stepping in a puddle. They think the highest honor for a boy, young man, or man, is to die in service of the matriarchy, and as such go out of their way into shaming men into taking care of women.

Check your courts to see if they are egalitarian. If they are not, you may want to move to a more egalitarian region first, before thinking of divorce.

Also, DOCUMENTATION is your friend. Document everything.

reply to post by korathin


I think it's a tad unfair and rash to be pushing the OP to surreptitiously make notes in order to pursue divorce. You have no earthly idea why the poor woman doesn't feel like it. I wonder how many men would relish being dragged through the divorce courts on the grounds they weren't man enough for the job? What a hideous thing to do to anyone..

It's funny you should then go on to bash people for voicing opinions on a matriarchal angle, since those who have seem to have a greater scope of solutions and more of an open minded perspective on it than folks who seem to think dragging her by the hair to the cave or divorcing her are the only ways to go.

reply to post by TheXoor

Man get her to a doctor. Sounds like her Estrogen levels are down. The doctor can prescribe a replacement therapy for her, and you can also get over the counter Estrogen/Vitamin supplements. I speak from experience here, friend. Research this and arm yourself with knowledge before you approach her.

Offer to cook her a nice home cooked meal…..and then lace it with aphrodisiacs

We put way too much power on sex. Marriage is so much more then sex.

True, but one devoid of sex has an issue.

Sex is an integral part of marriage. No, I wouldn't say it was the most important part, but it's at least in the top five....

I really do hope you show your wife this thread. We offer totally unbiased opinions here, and it may help her to see that. Also, I'll go ahead and state that I am NOT for the idea of stepping out of the marriage for a booty call. If her lack of libido is self-esteem based, this will CERTAINLY not help things.

Best of luck to both you and the wife!

Originally posted by Gazrok
I am NOT for the idea of stepping out of the marriage for a booty call. If her lack of libido is self-esteem based, this will CERTAINLY not help things.

No one should step out for a booty call unless both parties agree.

Yes the wife should be checked out by a doctor - - but if she refuses to go - - then what?

I just personally do not think one partner should be denied because the other one is no longer interested in sex.

There are many women - - usually older - - that just say No more sex. I'm done with it.

If they do that - - - that is their personal choice. I think they should free the man to have sex if he wants it.

I personally would prefer my husband find a one woman booty call - rather the sleep around which is dangerous.

Originally posted by Suspiria
reply to post by korathin

 

I think it's a tad unfair and rash to be pushing the OP to surreptitiously make notes in order to pursue divorce. You have no earthly idea why the poor woman doesn't feel like it. I wonder how many men would relish being dragged through the divorce courts on the grounds they weren't man enough for the job? What a hideous thing to do to anyone..

It's funny you should then go on to bash people for voicing opinions on a matriarchal angle, since those who have seem to have a greater scope of solutions and more of an open minded perspective on it than folks who seem to think dragging her by the hair to the cave or divorcing her are the only ways to go.

Um no. Matriarchal or Patriarchal it doesn't matter. I may align with the MRM, may even take up the mantle of a MRA when it is beneficial to my goals, but make no mistake: I am a Radical Egalitarian. To that end I view such talk of matriarchal or patriarchal societies as I would a society based upon the notion that one race is universally superior to another. In short I view such notions as so bigoted, so evil, that to even suggest they are viable marks one as a very evil person in my eyes. Is it judgmental? Yes, but it is how my conscience compels me to act and I refuse to ever apologize for that.

As per my angling for divorce, I made it clear that divorce is the last solution. I even implored the OP to get his wife to a doctor asap. The simple fact is, if there is nothing wrong with the OP's wife(physically or mentally), then I view the wife's actions as an act of emotional abuse. It is incumbent upon married couples to watch and safeguard each others mental, emotional and physical health. It would be no different if she was physically abusing him. I have a strict zero tolerance towards abuse that I follow myself, so why would I point for someone else to endure a situation that I wouldn't put up with in a million years?

I read this thread from first to previous last post, because I am going through this myself. My husband has had multiple back surgeries and is becoming overweight due to his inability to be a active as he once was. Back when we met, he was 180 lbs., 5'11 and built like a stallion. The sex used to be MINDBLOWING. Now days, I encourage him to do what he can do, and he does enjoy hunting and once in a while, he will ride bikes with me. Anyway...sex went from a pretty much everyday thing to here and there after the first surgery, then after the second...it waned even more. Now, that he has had the third one just two years ago (with a titanium rod in his spine) I have come to just forget about it. The meds he is on also keeps him with no drive. I try and initiate, only to hear him say he hurts, or he just took his meds, which is often. Of course, I respect that. I won't lie, I have come close to an affair once in this time frame, but I did not "do it" with the guy. I'm so proud of myself for that. It's tough though, because you feel jipped so to speak, especially if your spouse is not only not having sex with you, but they are also drastically different from when you met while you more or less have (physically) remained the same or gotten better.

I can definitely relate to the feeling of being room mates more than spouses and lovers! I feel like that quite often and I tell him how I feel. He assures me that he loves me and I believe him. I love him too, otherwise, I would be finding some from somewhere. I really wish I had something reassuring to tell you, but I don't. I have just forgotten about sex for the most part. When we do have it, it's not even really good anymore anyway, and I'm not attracted to him anymore. Is she attracted to you? As for me, I just don't have the heart to leave him since he's injured, and I love the person he is inside, so leaving for so superficial a reason as no sex after nearly 10 years seems quite shameful. Men can whack and stuff and that helps you guys, right? You know, with a "movie" or a mag? I wish it were that easy for us girls that aren't into the whole B.O.B deal. I just try and burn it all out on my runs or in the gym...that works for me. I read a lot. I bought a $3,000 telescope and I spend nights looking into the heavens. I enjoy cooking. I draw and paint. Find new and creative ways to express yourself and satiate other desires. Oh, and the occasional and random freaky dream where you get an explosive orgasm helps out too. I guess that's my own body's way of "compensating".

I understand your pain and I wish you well.

well for starters are you sure that she has no interest in someone else. Also do you have a busy social life going out with your friends and friends stuff because speaking from experience I can tell you that The man I was married to for 22 years suddenly got into going out with his buddies three times a week due to his midlife crsis and thought he could just pencil me in the opening in his schedule but his friends came first it's along story and my attitude became $%&@ you buddy so to solve that problem his affair began and he thinks we should stay together for the children one's 19 the other 14. My attitude is get the %$#( out. everyone pays the price. There's no winner here but for everyones mental well being it's healthier to end it and move on. Mental scars last forever.

reply to post by HoppedUp


If he's up to trudging through the woods after game, then he should be up to taking care of you once in a while too...just sayin'....

I mean, my wife had similar medical issues, and that was often the reason, but there are plenty of things you can do for intimacy that aren't too taxing, and the responsible party in the marriage (for the lack of sex), should find SOME way to at least do something along these lines.

Originally posted by HoppedUp
I can definitely relate to the feeling of being room mates more than spouses and lovers! I feel like that quite often and I tell him how I feel. He assures me that he loves me and I believe him. I love him too, otherwise, I would be finding some from somewhere. I really wish I had something reassuring to tell you, but I don't. I have just forgotten about sex for the most part. When we do have it, it's not even really good anymore anyway, and I'm not attracted to him anymore. Is she attracted to you? As for me, I just don't have the heart to leave him since he's injured, and I love the person he is inside, so leaving for so superficial a reason as no sex after nearly 10 years seems quite shameful. Men can whack and stuff and that helps you guys, right? You know, with a "movie" or a mag? I wish it were that easy for us girls that aren't into the whole B.O.B deal. I just try and burn it all out on my runs or in the gym...that works for me. I read a lot. I bought a $3,000 telescope and I spend nights looking into the heavens. I enjoy cooking. I draw and paint. Find new and creative ways to express yourself and satiate other desires. Oh, and the occasional and random freaky dream where you get an explosive orgasm helps out too. I guess that's my own body's way of "compensating".

I understand your pain and I wish you well.

You know, this is a pretty awesome thread. This is a pretty emotional and private issue and everyone is taking it very seriously. I'm proud of everyone here.

Without getting too graphic, I wonder if there aren't some other things you could do that could help you, either together with your spouse or not. Just to make it a little amusing, I remember after a somewhat unsuccessful encounter, my wife turned to me and said, "Don't worry. I'll get us both off." I mean, whether it is a 'silver bullet' (it runs on double AA's) or some creativity on the part of your husband, you should not have to do without, though it occurs to me (and I hope I'm wrong) his injury could be an excuse of sorts.

One thing that has happened to us recently has made us, umm, much more active (we're old!), because we have realized we simply don't know when the last time we see each other happens. Our community has been left reeling with a series of violent deaths and injuries that have left us all reeling a bit and feeling beleagured. Three children have been shot accidentally by firearms in three separate incidents. There have been a couple of car wrecks where people died. We're near military bases, including the one where that Sgt. who killed the civilians in Afgnahistan is from. A couple of our sailors have died in accidental deaths, one popular Lt. Cdr. who was being a good samaritan. We apparently have a serial killer on the loose who has killed two people and wounded a third. Everyone is kind of walking around with their heads low wondering what is going to happen next.

It's a helluva a way to get laid more oftem, but it has us realizing our time is not unlimited.

reply to post by korathin






You state


'But realistically, this is why marriage is a super duper dumb idea for guys'

It is my experience that it is the guys who jump straight headlong into another relationship!

And women are far more cautious about committing themselves to another relationship...