The silent suffering of a sexless marriage

I've been married 16 years now, and I haven't had sex since 2009. I got married young so I'm not so old, and I'm still "in the mood" a lot. My wife, however, seems to have completely lost interest. I still love her very much but this situation is getting out of hand.

Being honest, it's not entirely her fault. When I look at her, I see a person who seems more like a sister to me at this point than a wife. It's hard to feel sexual attraction for her. We have talked about this before and resolved to do something, but when it comes time, neither of us is in the mood and we say "well, maybe tomorrow." it's gotten to be a kind of joke, even.

I am sure I could "insist" if I really wanted to, but that's no fun. In the past she couldn't keep her hands off me. I don't want a woman who just "puts up with" my desire.

I'm not interested in "spicing things up" with kinky sex or whatever, as had been suggested to me by a friend. That just feels embarrassing and weird.

Ive never cheated on my wife before, but I'm seriously thinking of getting a professional if you know what I mean. I hate to be one of "those guys" but I'm losing it here.  

This is easily the most honest thing I've ever written on the net so please be gentle. I'm at my wits end here.

reply to post by TheXoor


I am so sorry for you mate.

Just remember, if you get those urges, you always have Mrs.Palm.

Sexual frustration can be a nasty thing, and you guys might want to go see a sex therapist to help you out.

Good luck.

vvv

Spicing it up doesn't have to be too spicy, it doesn't automatically mean whips, chains and handcuffs ya' know.Something new doesn't have to really mean spicy either...just different from normal. I would also suggest old fashioned romance...can't hurt anyway.

If all else fails, you do have internet. I'm sure Rosy Palm and her five sisters would help ya' out (wink wink nudge nudge ya' know what I mean.)

PS as long as it's just sexless instead of loveless you can still figure it out. What works for someone might not work for you two. The trick is candid conversation with her about what she wants. I'll give you S&F just because this is a tough topic to bring up I'm sure.

If you go outside the marriage guilt may curse you worse than the situation you are in now.
Remind yourself that she wants it as much as you do.
If it really has been over two years take it slow. A real kiss, as opposed to a peck. A kiss on the neck. Unexpected, with no preconditions may change that.
A bigger question would be do you still desire her? No offense meant.
I often travel for work, coming home for me (and her) defiantly sparks a renewal in the relationship. Absence makes the heart grow, and such.
If you do: talk to her about it, and start (again) slow, remind both of you why you fell in love in the first place.

reply to post by TheXoor

I couldn't not respond to this as your genuine pain and struggle comes through loud and clear. I'm humbled by your honesty and though it's an embarrassing topic to discuss, I want to reciprocate and tell you how I see the situation from a woman's point of view.

I was married to my best friend at the age of 20 and within a few years, I felt the same as you like I was living with my brother. What I didn't realize until it was too late (we filed for divorce) was that because we were married so young, neither of us had much experience and didn't know how to express to one another that making love had become like a chore because we werent really pleasuring one another. I've come to realize that being so emotionally intimate made the yearning for physical intimacy that much greater...and disappointing when we couldn't get to that point. I've often wished I could turn back time and be honest with him but it's a hard topic to broach, especially after so many years. So my advice to you is to grab hold of your lady and go for some professional help. There's nothing to be ashamed of and maybe it will provide her with a safe environment to express her desires.

I hope this provides some useful advice and I genuinely wish you the best of luck!

Could she be having an affair?

Thus the loss of interest in you?

Ouch dude, that would be very hard to take. But start watching some porn and stock up some lube and some sex toys for yourself. Sleep in another room if you can. It'll bring down your sexual urges. But talk to her of how you are feeling, see a sex therapist too. if it's no good then, seek a marriage counsellor.

reply to post by TheXoor


As someone who has been in this exact position but female, I extend my sympathy.
Cheating will make it worse, it's a bad idea. This problem will come up in most relationships eventually so know that it is a routine problem, not anyone's fault.
When you have been with someone for so long, it is easy to think that they will always be there and you stop courting. You forget how to flirt and don't even see the point. Show an interest in the woman she has become. We change every day of our lives and you need to win the heart of whoever she has become today. It's an ongoing process.

Flirt with your wife, date her again.

A common complaint voiced by marriage partners goes like this: We’ve grown apart and we’re more like room mates than best friends. If marriage is suppose to be growing in love together over the years, what happens that leads to the complaint, We’ve grown apart?
How many in here have this going on in there marriages where they have become the perfect room mates and why? what went wrong?
some find it easier to stay with a person even if there is no more romance, just to avoid getting into another relationship i think allot more of this goes on then we see ..I got tired of living like this and (we filed for divorce) around Christmas time it was sad but just wasn't workable for us..This went on for 8 years..peace,sugarcookie1

hmm, tough topic mate, you seem pretty sincere and I must congratulate you on not cheating. Overall, what works for one wont work for another.

For me, in my marriage, if things seem to be taking a turn in that direction, I try a number of things; making sure she "gets off" and not just me, asking her what position/s she would like, acting a little different so she doesnt think she's living with a robot, talking dirty in bed if need be, and even try the jealousy card to see if the spark is still really there, like bringing up other women that I may deal with at work etc. I think if I'd tried all that and any other trick I had up my sleeve and she still wasnt interested, then I'd be left with two choices, if it was clear we both still loved each other alot, I'd say hey it's clear you are not interested in sex if you love me enough you need to give me some lol, or if you really dont want to but still want ot stay togehter then be fair and let me have sex with other women at least a prostitue if you want ot make sure no stings get attatched in the process, on the other hand if the love was lost and no sex, then I'd straight out say look its over, its time to move on.

All the best

There's no one answer to your problem as no one person will know your personel

situation.

My experience over time and communications with others and from the 'outside' looking

in is that many couples save 'foreplay' for the bedroom, I believe 'foreplay' starts LONG

before then! it begins in the warmth and caring and considering for each other long before

bedtime.Sharing experiences,

washing up TOGETHER

cooking TOGETHER

gardening TOGETHER

discussing and laughing TOGETHER

going for walks TOGETHER

Whatever your interests are but TOGETHER

Building up warmth and loving tension "The couple who play together stay together"


Just my 2p's worth...GOOD LUCK

As mad as this might sound, why don't you sit her down and have a good old chat about exactly how you feel and reassure her that you completely understand whatever prompts her to be so lethargic about the whole idea.
Suggest instead that you make firm appointments for intimate time and stick to them, be it once a month, once every two months whatever. You can still do other things together, kiss, cuddle but reassure her that in doing so you won't be trying to initiate anything more until the prearranged time.

It sounds odd and oh so clinical, but we women can slide into the monotony of normal everyday life so much that spontaneous intimacy is just sometimes intentionally and conveniently forgotten. She may well appreciate negotiating and knowing exactly when she can throw off the shackles of day to day troubles and just spend time fooling around. The arrangements may not be forever, she might just suddenly remember how great it all was.

Funny creatures we are, our sex drive, like hormones, ebb and flow. Isn't anyones fault - Just happens.

OP, where can I start?
I'd just like to say, that I am in the same situation, though it is ME who doesn't get the 'urges'.
I have been with my man for 5 years, and we have a 3 year old child.
He is not quite at his wits end with me yet lol, but we do have a good old chat about this problem.
I am currently under medical attention due to having poly cystic ovaries. As you know, the ovaries are part of the reproductive system, which in turn affects the female libido. Due to the nature of the issue, my ovaries do not work as they should, affecting my menstrual cycle and my sex drive.
If I had to look at my sex drive being the floors in a house, the roof being the highest point of the sex drive, I'd have to say mine would be below the basement, situated in the Indian burial ground

I've explained to him, that I find him attractive, and I love him with every part of me, but my sexual desire is non-existant. This isn't because of him, but because of the medical position I am in.
Furthermore, with PCOS, it has affected me physically, as I have gained a lot of weight, and it is hard to manage, despite a constant careful diet and exercise classes at the gym 3-4 times a week. While he doesn't find the physical changes an issue in his desire for me, I find them an issue. I don't feel sexy.

You said you didn't want her to 'put up with' your desire, and that's completely fair, just as I don't want to feel like I'm "doing my duty".
Haha, thinking on it, I kinda see it as we behave like a couple in our later years, he'll come up behind me and plant a kiss on me, or give me a cuddle, or cup a boob (lol) and I'll swat him away and call him a pest (in jest).

You guys have been together a long time, and a good honest talk about how she feels about herself, and how you feel about her could really help change how you both see things.
If she is still the light of your life, and you'd walk over hot coals for her, and you still see her as being the apple of your eye, do tell her.
Sometimes I feel like I don't want to tell my other half that I feel fat or ugly, because it's like that same old song that a million other women sing. I feel as though men get fed up with hearing it, and so feelings like that get buried.

reply to post by TheXoor


Two questions you need to ask of both yourself and your partner is; do you love her? Is it just a lack of physical attraction you feel, or is the love being drained along with it? Secondly, are you both open to communication about the problem, or do you both just stonewall each other and not discuss it?

Spicing things up doesn't have to be something wild or kinky or downright weird, think back to the things that made life fun when you couldn't keep your hands off each other. What has changed? Sometimes the best way to spice up something is doing something out of the ordinary, dinner, flowers, etc. Sounds corny, but it's often the surprise that makes up for the actual event.

Don't give up if you think it's worth saving. The fact you had the guts to come and ask for advice says you obviously want to either fix or remedy this problem, perhaps making inroads to what made your life together special in the first place would be a good start.

Good luck.

Not too long ago, I was in a similar position...

So, I'm speaking from the viewpoint of someone who has turned this around...

Spicing it up doesn't have to be too spicy, it doesn't automatically mean whips, chains and handcuffs ya' know.Something new doesn't have to really mean spicy either...just different from normal. I would also suggest old fashioned romance...can't hurt anyway.

This is exactly right. Have a date night. One of the things I do to get my wife in the mood is a massage (without clothes getting in the way of course). Even if she isn't initially in the mood, after a good massage, she's a lot more into it. Some candles, soft music. Seems corny, but there's reasons this works.

As for spice, even wigs can make it seem exciting and new you know...

The thing is, after years and years, it's easy to get into a routine. You need to inject a little bit of spontaneous action to kick yourselves out of that rut. Buy her some flowers or jewelry out of the blue, for no reason. Doesn't have to be Tiffany's, just something that shows you know what she likes, and you can think of her. You'll have to make an effort to kick start this, but once you do, she may realize how much she missed it too. That's what happened with us.

If all else fails, you do have internet. I'm sure Rosy Palm and her five sisters would help ya' out (wink wink nudge nudge ya' know what I mean.)

I'm sure he's already aware of this fact...how do you think he's survived since 2009? The problem with this is, it will eventually take more and more kink to excite you (whether you admit it or not), and regular sex can seem a bit passe afterwards. So, you have to really keep that in check.

reply to post by TheXoor


I beat your record. I went without for 6 years, the wife and I sleeping in the same bed, but attempts at affection were post-phoned with one excuse after another. Truly, it is like having a roommate. I would've went crazy, but thankfully I had an internet connection, and as Gazrok states, that simply leads to a certain "resistance" to actual affection. Rosy takes care of business, but it also leads to an utter void in wanting actually contact with a member of the opposite gender. You begin to project your lack of intimacy onto other females as well.

Speaking from experience, your only solution at this point is to separate.

You don't have to divorce, but you can no longer co-habitate. Tell her you are moving out, and do it. Find yourself an apartment, a friend's house, your parent's basement, whatever, but for a period of time isolate yourself from the misery you are experiencing.

There's a catch: You may find yourself dating your wife again, or you may find someone new and re-build your life. The only way to find out is to experience it, no excuses. You may find yourself missing her, and she you, which in turn puts you back on track to a healthy marriage, but otherwise, you simply have to man up and chalk it up to another failed marriage, and move on. I know you've invested a lot of time in your relationship, and the more time you invest the harder it is to move on, but face it, you only have one life to live, and right now you are wasting it away by being unhappy. Everyone deserves to be happy, and by denying that to yourself, you are caught in an abysmal rut from which there is little hope of escape.

I'd hope you at least try to change up the game some first, before separating.
But, if you do up your game, and are still getting the response, then sadly, the above poster may be correct.

However, since this change up worked for me, I can say that at least we're one example of overcoming this. Our issues were compounded by medical issues on her end, and that still exists, but we've moved past it, and are as intimate now as we were when we first got married (and some of that change up stuff has made it into our more routine ways).

So, there is hope.

"I beat your record. I went without for 6 years, the wife and I sleeping in the same bed, but attempts at affection were post-phoned with one excuse after another. Truly, it is like having a roommate. I would've went crazy, but thankfully I had an internet connection, and as Gazrok states, that simply leads to a certain "resistance" to actual affection. Rosy takes care of business, but it also leads to an utter void in wanting actually contact with a member of the opposite gender. You begin to project your lack of intimacy onto other females as well."



6 years? Hell, after 6 DAYS I'm going bat sh*t crazy.

What Gazrok said about a constant internet and "skin on skin" connection sounds spot on to me. It makes sense. For those of us who grew up with out the internet though that might not be too big of an issue. It's the people who did who may be more prone to take the "easy way out" so to speak. If you came of age in the 90's for instance and you had intimacy issues to begin with, I could see how this could happen without you fully realizing the negative consequences later down the road.

But eventually, we all need that human touch and the love and satisfaction that comes from it. I guess getting out of whatever rut you're in, whether it's a sexless marriage, a loveless marriage or a self-pleasing single life, is the real trick.

Being open and honest with each other, adult to adult, is the first step.

perhaps it you could look into seeing a therapist?
or maybe a doctor? a lowered sex drive could indicate some condition.
are either of you on any medications? ( you don't need to answer that question, just consider it. I don't mean to invade your personal life in that way. but many medications have the side effect of a lowered libido)

I hope that things work out for you two!

maybe plan a nice date night! like the good 'ole days when you were first dating.

reply to post by TheXoor
I'll be married 21 years in June.

When things seem to go into a rut, we start dating again.

Gifts.
Cards.
Letters.
Phone calls.
We go to movies.
Out to dinner.

We sing to each other. We'll hold hands.

Just start dating again.

Good luck.



OMG, didn't see the post above mine, really.