The silent suffering of a sexless marriage

reply to post by Annee


I think you and others would find this article interesting. I have posted it before but I think it is worth posting again.

But basically it boils down to what the individual couple needs.

Savage believes monogamy is right for many couples. But he believes that our discourse about it, and about sexuality more generally, is dishonest. Some people need more than one partner, he writes, just as some people need flirting, others need to be whipped, others need lovers of both sexes. We can’t help our urges, and we should not lie to our partners about them.

Married with Infidelities

I think this is a very important statement:

Treating monogamy, rather than honesty or joy or humor, as the main indicator of a successful marriage gives people unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. And that, Savage says, destroys more families than it saves.

reply to post by nixie_nox


I actually think Matriarchal Polygamy would be the best situation for humans.

I often say humans should take a clue from Elephants. Elephants have a very successful Matriarchal society.

Home should always be the main focus of any marriage. That doesn't mean putting the woman back in the kitchen. But the base structure of unity - commitment - security - etc.

Women do tend to be more emotional IMO - - get jealous - - competitive etc. Man should never be in charge of women. Women should never be in a position to compete for the Man's attention - - to be his favorite.

In a Matriarchal Polygamist marriage - - the women would have to work together in a democratic way - - working out their differences amongst themselves. And making a home/life they are all comfortable in and works for all of them.

It would require schedules and planning - - - to make sure everyone's needs are met - - including the man's.The man would have to be respected too. I don't think many women want a beaten down man.

I want to thank you all for your replies.

Now I will decide whether or not to show my wife this thread...

reply to post by TheXoor


Absolutely, then it will spark the conversation you all should of had 4 years ago.

As the article I posted states: we are willing to tell our partners anything except what we want in bed. Well most people anyways. lol

As some of my ats friends will tell you, I am pretty open about it.
Anywhoo, the discussion alone may be enough to get things going again.

Keep me updated. And I believe in couples staying together. I am happy to help whereever I can.

reply to post by Annee


Oh lord I couldn't stand the one husband I had much less add another. XD

Seriously, I think the Navajo nation had the right idea. They are a matriarchal society. But it is not to the degradation of men. Women rule the roost, the men still protect and attend to political and community matters.

If a woman wants to divorce, she simply throws his stuff out and declares they are divorced. IF the man comes home to find his saddle in front of the house, he is no longer welcome.I would be divorced 15 times by now. Bevcaue when they marry, the husband goes to live with teh brides family.

Actually, American influence on the younger generations has really disrupted things and they are now cycling through marriges and its wreaking havok on the culture.

I am one of the people caught in the crossfire. I don't think monogamy is natural. But I am an extremely jealous person ad could never handle it.

Anyhoo, as interesting as the discussion has been, we are getting offtopic on what to do about a sexless marriage.

Maybe I should start a thread, I have been thinking of it for months.

reply to post by nixie_nox


I also think the OP should show his wife this thread, however, I don't think she'll be very receptive to what she reads. Making a man suffer for 3-4 years is really evil, and I personally think she's rather cold-hearted. However, that is pure speculation, as I have never met her, nor have gotten to see the "other" side of the coin. I'm just prejudiced on this particular topic.

Maybe I should start a thread, I have been thinking of it for months.

OOO, now THAT would be interesting. Please send me a PM when you start it, as I'd love to be able to contribute my perspective.

I'm afraid I don't really see the point in a sexless marriage.
It becomes, I love you very much, but we are just friends, now.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
reply to post by Annee

 

Oh lord I couldn't stand the one husband I had much less add another. XD

Oh no no no.

Still one husband - multiple wives.

But the women are in charge.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
Seriously, I think the Navajo nation had the right idea. They are a matriarchal society. But it is not to the degradation of men. Women rule the roost, the men still protect and attend to political and community matters.

If a woman wants to divorce, she simply throws his stuff out and declares they are divorced. IF the man comes home to find his saddle in front of the house, he is no longer welcome.I would be divorced 15 times by now. Because when they marry, the husband goes to live with the brides family.

Yes - - this is more what I meant in Matriarchal Polygamy.

The home should be the base of marriage. The home for the most part is run by women.

I would suggest a book, "Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida.

The internet has some mixed feelings about him however the book itself is really good at discussing, in depth, the nature of the polarity between men and women, how it fades and how to keep it going. His other books also go into depth on the subject too.

I suggest this because at a high level, it sounds like your relationship needs a bit more pull and tug polarity to reignite the spark and bring some sexy fun romance back into the relationship. It goes into what another poster said about going back on dates again and while it wasn't specifically called out - flirting!

Outside of that, if you love your wife and want to stay with her and you are compatible and happy in other ways then be happy in those ways. Go out and find yourself a girlfriend to have a fling with on the side.

Whatever you do, you have a responsibility to yourself to be happy. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship to me, I put it high on the list after being in a relationship like the one you described.

reply to post by Annee

Oh no no no. Still one husband - multiple wives. But the women are in charge.

C'mon, guys, you are being way off-topic in a sexless marriage thread. Either you or nixie needs to start a thread about this. I am all ears, and I am dying to bring up the topic of doms and subs, but it's sooo off topic here I can't. Please, Please, I am begging......for a new thread concerning an ideal marriage arrangement. There's so many fascinating aspects to explore.

reply to post by Druid42


Never, ever forget there are two sides to every story.

Before I seperated, my husband and I weren't intimate for a year.

He would tell people that I stole money, that I had a drug problem, and I didn't care about him or my son.

meanwhile, he has the drug problem, I spent two years solely taking care of our son because of his third dui, and the man was extremely selfish.

Sleeping with him felt like sleeping with the enemy.

What he didn't tell people is that he hid inheritance money from me,because all I wanted was a cheap laptop (our computer was an athalon II if that tells you anything) and he was abusive.

Are there instances when one spouse is crappy? Yes.

But you can't assume the poster is revealing everything. Or in real life too for that matter.

The poster didn't do this, but my experience has been that if someone covinces you that their ex partner is horrible, and they never take responsibility for their failing the relationship, then you usually find out that they were the aholes.

reply to post by Druid42


Ok I will tackle it in the next couple of days.

What does she find sexy? Surely you know. Do it, whatever it is.

I always liked going out of town for the weekend. There's something about being in a strange place, and hotel rooms. That's me. She has to have her own ideas.

The other thought I had was that she was Catholic. They have the hardest legs to pry apart, and then it's only for procreation.

Xoor, if your wife is Catholic, forget ever getting any anymore. Sorry for being crude, but been there. Like I said earlier, I am prejudiced for reasons I've experienced already in life. Nuff said. I started a new thread to perhaps provide an outlet. Hope you contribute a bit. Talking helps, with others, it really, really does. You have so much resentment bottled up inside that you are like a champaign bottle ready to burst. Link.

Originally posted by Druid42
reply to post by Annee

 

Oh no no no. Still one husband - multiple wives. But the women are in charge.

C'mon, guys, you are being way off-topic in a sexless marriage thread.

NO - - it was related. You'll have to go back a few posts.

I stated people have different sex urges. There's a difference between the sex drive of men and women. As women get older they lose interest for various reasons - - probably loss of hormones. I don't think sex should be used as a Noose - - and that monogamy isn't the best arrangement for humans.

reply to post by Annee


If monogamy isn't the best solution, then what is? Pursuing the topic here is off-topic, finally, and I'd like for you to have a space to fully elucidate your thoughts. Please make a new thread, which will set mainstream ideologies on their heels, or perhaps comment on the thread about "love" or "in love". I have a inkling you have a bunch to provide.

Originally posted by Druid42
Please make a new thread,

I do apologize for not making a separate thread (often) when swaying from topic brings up another good one.

My life situation at the moment - - makes it impossible for me to give it my full attention.

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I do think if a woman has reached a point in life she no longer has interest in sex - - - she should not put a noose around her husband's neck. She should release him to do what he feels he needs. It is far better IMO - - to be open and honest - - then to sneak around and betray a trust.

Originally posted by TheXoor
I'm not interested in "spicing things up" with kinky sex or whatever, as had been suggested to me by a friend. That just feels embarrassing and weird.

There's your problem. Get over your embarrassment and get kinky. Make her look forward to sex with you. Every girl loves a little kinky, or just be so spontaneously romantic at times that it puts her in the mood. This does involve EFFORT on your part.

You MUST destroy that "I see her as a sister, she sees me as a brother" wall with any means necessary.

Originally posted by TheLegend

There's your problem. Get over your embarrassment and get kinky. Make her look forward to sex with you. Every girl loves a little kinky, or just be so spontaneously romantic at times that it puts her in the mood. This does involve EFFORT on your part.

Every girl loves a little kinky? Really? You sure about that? Some girls will put up with anything to make a man think they like it.

A girl maybe - - I'm not so sure about a mature woman. What kind of women or girls do you hang out with?

Anyway - - a back massage does it for me. A warm room - flowers - incense - mood music - warm oils.