I messed everything up, can I get her back?

reply to post by splittheatom


reply to post by splittheatom


( I'm speaking from the other side of the coin here if you know what I mean.)

Sounds to me like you're holding on to someone who is letting go. I think she's been trying to let go for some time now and was being a nice girl by telling you that SHE'S holding YOU back. Know what I mean? She was trying to make it easy and you're making it hard for her by holding on. Again, she sounds like a nice girl and she doesn't deserve that.

You've been together for 5 years during some of the most important years of your life. It is hard to let go of something like that, trust me, but for her sake you're going to have to. This is what SHE wants. When you love a woman you have to play by their rules sometimes even though it's not what YOU want. She sounds like a smart girl as well, and if you do this she'll see the sacrifice you're making and she will remember it. If anything, you'll give her a reason to respect you on another level. And maybe that's the level that she's trying to get to by seeing a 28 year old man. It's no secret that women mature faster then men and in different ways.

If you love her, let her go. If she comes back then it was meant to be. If she doesn't, it wasn't. And who wants to be in a long term relationship that wasn't meant to be? That's not fair to either one you.

no, move on

Sorry mate but no, you can't get her back... sounds like she's moved on already. I'm in exactly the same position right now.

The long and short of it is, you will never get back what you used to have even if you both put in a massive effort and believe me, once they start going "cold" the writing is on the wall. It sucks I know but that's how it is.

I feel for you but it's better to be single and happy than in a relationship and you both be miserable.

The thing is, you have lost trust. Checking up on her shows that. And she's not telling you everything. At the very least this means you are not as much a part of her life as you once were. At worst, this means she is deceiving you. I'm not saying she is being mean spirited because it may be she just doesn't want to hurt you or even, selfishly, that she doesn't want a confrontation. I think given your place in life right now that you can give yourself permission to move on.

Yeah I have tried coming to terms with it all today.

She made it even worse by starting a conversation with me over facebook. I know she is still angry over what I did, and to be honest it feels like she is trying to make the whole situation my fault. And you know maybe it is. Maybe this was the breaking point, and I went too far and pushed her away.

Either way we are meeting on sunday to discuss this like adults. You can't make these decisions over the phone or over facebook. If she can look me in the eye and tell me the truth, that it was what I had done, not the fact she is interested in someone else, then I know it will be hard but it will be something I would have to live with.

The thing is, she has had her trust issues, even gone behind my back so far as to ring my mother to find out if I was seeing someone else when times were rocky, which I wasn't, I never have and believe I never would do that to a person. And now it's me, it's such a big problem to her.

I can accept that she has moved on, that maybe there is someone else, maybe there isn't. It does feel like she has been thinking this for a while.

I will most likely know on sunday, if she can tell me the truth then I can come to terms with it better and accept that it's over.

Thanks for your replys everyone, like I said, it was an unbiased opinion that I needed and I have got plenty of them. Even though you are strangers to me, you have helped me out alot and the advice is good so yeah I thank you all for that.

Seems to me you are handling this pretty well and actually listening to advice. So many people in this situation with these kinds of threads really want sympathy and confirmation rather than ideas. Good luck to you. Have faith!

reply to post by schuyler


Yeah, I'm trying to but it is hard. What makes it even worse is the dreams I am having, I dream we are still together or have made up and when I wake up I realise it's not the case. I've had that for the past two nights now.

I can't eat, can barely sleep and to be honest I think the stress is starting to make me ill. I see so many people who go through things like this then get back together after a few days/weeks. I want to be able to tomorrow when we meet for what could be the last time, but I know based on her words and everyone's opinions it won't be the case.

As soon tomorrow ends I will have to either start making everything up to her, or more likely start to try and get over her. I just hope she can pluck up the courage to tell me the truth, I will not judge her on it however bad it may be, I will be angry but I will just have to leave.

I feel like I am being over dramatic about this to the people I speak to, so sorry if I have irritated anyone with my situation, but like I said it's my first break up and I'm finding it very hard.

Originally posted by splittheatom
reply to post by schuyler

 

Yeah, I'm trying to but it is hard. What makes it even worse is the dreams I am having, I dream we are still together or have made up and when I wake up I realise it's not the case. I've had that for the past two nights now.
, but like I said it's my first break up and I'm finding it very hard.

Look. I know about the dream thing. It's just your mind trying to work through unresolved issues. I'll tell you a brief story to show you how bad it can get:

17 years ago my wife disappeared. She probably jumped off a bridge, but her body was never found. I had to wait seven years before I could declare her legally dead. She left me with a 13 year old daughter to raise. Just a couple of nights ago I had more or less the same dream I have had for 17 years. It turns out she is alive and has been living in Canada. She has returned to claim her fortune. I am again living with her, but the complication is that I don't know how I am going to deal with my current wife nor can I pay her half the estate or return the (modest) insurance money. In other words, I am totally screwed. Last time she was trying to reactivate her social security card, but I was telling her that would be difficult because she is listed as deceased.

Now, the thing is, when I'm in those dreams their "reality" is as real as me sitting here typing this today. I can detect no real difference. When I finally wake up I am completely disoriented. It takes me several minutes to realize I am in my own bed in my current house and that everything is okay.

You see what I'm saying here? Right now you are really concentrating on your loss here. I don't blame you for that in the least, but worse things can happen. Your task now is to find a way to lessen this concentration for your own good and health.

reply to post by schuyler


I'm really sorry to hear that.

I feel like my situation is so tiny compared to that now.

And yeah I agree about the dreams being very vivid. We were in a restaurant last night talking about sorting things out, I think it was the same one we went to make up after we had a big argument before.

One way or another I'll get over this.

reply to post by splittheatom


sounds like a cheating whore.

Drop her ass and tell her she will look fat and ugly, like her mother, and no one will love her betraying ass ever.

Then tell her she will die alone because she isn't worth the air in her lungs.

This way she will have an emotional scar as deep as your from the ordeal (ideally) and all will be fair.

This is EXACTLY why you have to have multiple experiences when you're young and not be in a semi-married relationship as a teen....you simply won't learn how to deal with this kind of thing.

1) She's cheating on you (maybe not actually sleeping with the guy, but I guarantee she's emotionally cheating on you...) You've already seen all the signs and evidence, you just want the cold hard proof. Right now, it's likely just the thrill of the sneaking around...but eventually (especially if it's the older guy) he'll know how to kick it up to actual sexual cheating.

2) You need to get out and ENJOY being at college. Go to a frat party, get drunk, wake up next to a girl when you don't even know her name (but use protection). That kind of thing, man. Get your degree, get a decent job, pull down some decent bank and learn what you really want in a gal.

I guarantee you something else... You (and her) have NO idea what you actually want in a mate yet, so why are you so hell-bent on trying to hold on to this relationship? Years from now, you're going to look back at this and go, "Man, did I dodge a bullet or what!"....

Something else...you kids today need to learn how to TALK in person vs most of your communication in text. Something you've likely learned in college, is that nearly 70% of all communication is body language and tone vs. words. So, in your texts, you're only 30% sure that you're really getting the whole message the sender is trying to impart! So, in all those texts, the chances that one or both of you is misreading things is astronomically high!

TALK TO PEOPLE.

Texting should be to impart quick info that can't be misinterpreted, not carry on deep conversations folks.

reply to post by Gazrok


Yeah I have taken on many of these points, and I'm slowly getting over it.

Sure we talked over facebook and texting, it's the norm for people now, but I preferred talking to her face to face or at the very least over the phone.

And you know what, it did feel like a 'semi-married' relationship. Sure the ring wasn't there but I saw no different from the relationship between my parents (although there was obviously a lot more affection due to us being younger).

But I've had a long hard think, and I've come to the conclusion that I did my best to make things work, I helped her out through many hard times and supported her both emotionally and financially when she needed it, as did my family.

And if she can't appreciate this then I think I am too good for her. If she thinks the grass is greener then she can find out for herself.

Thanks for the wise words everyone, and thanks for not trying to beat around the bush about it, the honest and brutal opinions were what I needed. I feel I can move on, and get over her in my own time.

Cheers!

As much as you don't want to hear this you need to let go and move on dude your still young. Most Young relationships don't last forever like you may think they will and if she was your first love then I know it will be hard but yeah. Seriously you'll look back on this and laugh one day. Nobody ends up staying with their first love these days it's just a learning experience.

M advice? Go out and have fun while you can dude. My best friend was in your same situation you were in and they did end up having kids and they didn't even get to get out and experience life. Never know bro this could be a blesssing in dusguise

It depends on the girl, but usually if you call once and she doesn't want to talk she will never want to see you again (she may not have anything against you she just doesn't want to take the leap into the wonder heaven of eternal happiness and bliss called love).

I hate it when you meet someone and they remind you of your first love, you do everything right, she thanks you for a wonderful date, but she doesn't call you back because your style is different than hers. You guys may have had a connection, you guys may have been incredibly happy together, but just because she doesn't like your shoes or your color shirt the person doesn't take the opportunity to be in love. How much is love important to the world anyways?

In my case I wore the perfect color shirt matching with hers and nice shoes, we looked great together. But she is a cop and I am a freestyle rapper. Two styles that you do not see together.