I messed everything up, can I get her back?

I've had alot of advice from my friends and family, and from her family, but I feel like I need it from people that don't know me or her, that see us as just two people.

I'm still fairly young (19) and shes 18. We have been together for almost 4 years and it was both of our first real relationship. We have always had some minor problems but who hasn't right? We live just under an hour away from each other which was hard at first but since I've been driving it got better.

Basically we had a big argument over New Years Eve. I was meant to go round there and ended up getting really stressed as a lot of arguing had gone on at home and I felt drained, too drained to drive over to see her so I ended up letting her down. It hasn't been right since that.

We had another argument at the end of january and didn't talk for a couple of days. When we did start talking again she was coming out with silly stuff saying she feels like shes holding me back and stuff like that. I chose to go to a university closer to home so I could stay with her and she was talking about this.

I needed to know why she was saying this, and we know each others passwords for everything because we trust each other with them. I checked her facebook to try and find answers, to see why she was saying this, maybe she was talking to her sister about it?

What I found was an on going conversation she was having with a work colleague. He is 28 and was going through a break up with his fiancee so I guess they had common ground. But he started to tell her he wanted to be with her, that he wanted to kiss her. She told him not whilst she was with me but it didn't seem that convincing. She deleted the conversation every couple of minutes just incase I did see it.

We talked about everything and I admitted what I had done. She admitted she enjoyed the attention because I wasn't giving her any but she said that was it. I believed her and we made up over it. Things went great last month up until around the 17th (her sisters birthday, they all went out to a club). She usually messages me when shes out and when she gets in but she didn't. I can accept that she was out with her sister and their friends and probably just forgot which she said she did just forget. She tried to ring me when she got in but I was asleep by then.

Since then I have felt really distant from her. She barely texts or calls me, and when I talked to her on the phone at night she would complain she was really tired and needed to go to bed so she could get up for work the next morning. She would also not want me to try to initiate anything sexually during the week, claiming she was tired, however she would be willing to during the weekend. This all shocked me because she used to be very needy, calling and texting me non stop, and we used to have a very healthy sex life, doing it at almost every opportunity we had.

I had tried talking to her about it but she blamed it all on the tiredness, it actually got me really upset because it was a complete turn around, she just didn't feel like the same person at all. I was at hers last weekend, and it seemed like she couldn't wait for me to go home on sunday, even saying oh I'm going to go to bed early tonight so can you go home early. I left around 9ish.

We didn't talk much on monday and tuesday during the day, just texting each other, and I think I spoke to her once, maybe twice on monday.

We both went out on tuesday night. I went to see a few DJ's with some friends at my uni(it's about 10 mins away so I drove) and she went to the pub with a friend from when she was at school who she wanted to catch up with. We were texting each other up until around 10ish where I forgot to text her back. She chose not to message me again so I messaged her around 12 saying that I hoped she had got home safe and that I would speak to her tomorrow. I then text her again around half 2 when I got in as I was a little bit angry, just saying it would have been nice to speak to her before she went to bed.

Here's where everything started. As I said we know each others passwords. I couldn't sleep tuesday night. Nothing made sense anymore as she felt like a completely different person, she was acting out of character and I couldn't work out why, she wouldn't tell me and in the end I felt like I had to find things out for myself.
So I checked her online billing for her mobile phone. I KNOW how bad that sounds. Believe me I feel so bad for doing it but I found something out. There was a reoccurring number on her phone, she was texting it all day and even calling it, sometimes for hours on end up until times like 2am. This had been going on since the 21st. She had no communication with this number when I was with her, and the number wasn't saved on her phone, neither were the texts.

I texted her at around 4:30 in the morning on the wednesday asking her what was going on. She called me and was pretty angry saying she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me because of me waking her up like that. I had asked her why she didnt text or call me when she came in. She said she went straight to bed, but her phone bill says otherwise. She had been texting this number up until around 1:30 am. She told me she got in around 11 and just went to bed. In the end I appologised to her and we made up, I knew she was lying and just wanted to see if anything progressed, so I told her I would come over on wednesday night after work and stay until friday morning (today). I met her at her friend's house and we were there up until around 10:30. We went home and made up, even had sex. We slept next to each other and I felt like maybe I was over reacting about the number, maybe it was a friend so I left it at that.

I dropped her to work the next morning and then went back to hers to try and get on with some coursework. Her mum was still in and hadn't left for work yet. She asked me what was wrong with her, as she has been acting strange with her mum too lately. I told her I didn't know and wished I did too. I then decided to ask her mum whether she had been acting different. Her mum told me she was never in when she got home from work, she finishes at 4:30 and her her mum finishes at 5, saying that she was always going into town for some reason. She gets a lift from one of the guys she works with, yet her mum said she had only seen her get dropped home once before when she had been home sick. I then asked her about the tuesday night and her mum told me she had got in pretty late, that she was in bed asleep when she came in.

Again none of this made sense, so I checked her bill again to see if I could find out anything else. It sent a message to her email inbox where she found out what I had done. She told me to get out of her house and bring her key to her office. I asked her about the number but she was just so angry. I took her the key and asked her who it was. She claims it was her friends boyfriends phone, who her friend was using for some reason. This was the same friend who she was supposed to be out with on tuesday night.

My family don't think shes telling the truth yet her sister does. She split up with me over me going behind her back and is now saying it's final, there is no way we will ever get back together and that she needs to do whats best for her and that this is for the best.

I am completely broken. I want to believe her so badly, but it just doesn't make sense. I want us to be happy again but she seems set on it. What do I do?

Sorry for the long post guys, I just needed to tell it exactly how it is.

This is killing me, she was so set on staying with me for good, saying she even wanted a baby with me one day, and now shes set on not being with me.

I'm just so confused and upset, I just need some advice.

Nope. from experience, anyway.

but then you say your family is involved, mine were as distant as clouds.

hurts now, but you'll get over it.

eventually...

reply to post by mainidh


I was really close with her family, and she with mine, it just doesn't make sense.

From what I've said does it look like shes cheating or does it look like I'm over reacting about it all?

I just need a second chance. I'm seeing her on sunday to talk about why shes breaking up with me because it happened so quickly. I'm actually going over there so her brother in law can service my car but it felt like a good excuse to speak to her too.

This sounds like she wants to leave and doesn't know how to break your heart since it's something she hasn't really had to do before. I don't mean that to be harsh and I wouldn't even take it personal if that is her reason. She probably wants to try out that new relationship feeling while she still young. She's in collage so she probably felt she was the only one not trying new things and feeling tied down.It's a cruel joke but I've had many a female friend do this, especially when they start collage. I feel bad for you getting your heart smashed in it. I would say not cool spying on her but if it was me in your shoes I would probably have stooped to it to....I just wouldn't have admitted it to all the strangers on ats


I suggest having fun (within legal reason) and trying new things too. Let this be an opportunity and a lesson. When you find one your sure you want to keep remember to keep it fresh don't let it get stale, remind her you love her everyday even if it's just a quick message. I'm not saying this was all you by any means but making a person feel special and missed will make them forget that new feeling a little longer.

ADD I don't know her and I can't say she has physically cheated yet...but I promise you she is at least mentally cheating. A VERY educated guess I'm not that girl but I have alot of friends who are and it feels like I know the girl your describing. Sorry if that is what your afraid to hear I am sympathetic about your situation but she wants out and that is clear.

When you feel the "need" to check her online activity, it's the sign it's about to end.

No one's fault, but you're both young and inexperienced in life and need to grow. Not too many people end up marrying their 1st boy/girl friends, in fact it takes many trials and errors to learn what you want, and don't want in someone.

You need time alone to get your head right. Don't be too dependent on a mate, because that will dominate your emotions which won't be under "your" control.

She is young and has a ton of bad choices and mistakes to make yet, she'll never learn until she makes those mistakes. More often than not, after many years of strike outs, those girlfriends you had in your teen years end up reconnecting with you later in life after realizations have been made. Take a break from your pain and focus on you for a while, best thing you can do right now.

Come on get a grip this # happens every minute of every hour of every day go get a fresh peice of the pinky stink,shes out there somewhere looking for you what are you waiting for!

reply to post by splittheatom


Checking up on her was not the best idea mate but it does sound like she's messing around somewhere along the line. It's hard I know, but maybe its time to let her go? Your only 19 after all, your whole life is in front of you!

I got my fingers burned quite a few times before I met the wife. It was when I met her that I knew she was the one and all the rest paled in comparison.

As for getting her back, if she's made her mind up you will be hard pushed to change it. Chin up mate! It will get better with time.

She's not, and has not been 'telling you the truth'.

Having said this, I agree with another poster who said that, she is finding it hard to tell you she wants to leave...and I would add, this is the reason it don't make sense.
I also agree...snooping is low, but, you did mention the access to passwords etc (unnessessary, in my opinion)...
How many people do you know lend thier phones out to other people?
I wouldn't lend mine out - I use it all the time! What if my mama rang?

You are young - so is she...

My 'view' is that it is over...
I wish you all strength...and don't be stoopid!

Akushla

The pain of loss, especially after 4 years, is going to be hard. The sickening feeling of complicating everything eventually goes. There's no point being together if one or both of you aren't happy.

Your lucky being so young my friend, relationships will come again, (and probably go again), but each time you end up more mature, more understanding, more thoughtful and more accepting. It takes time, but I say grab a surfboard (or whatever) and rediscover YOU again. There will be things over the last few years you've changed, or stopped doing. Its time to revisit that stuff, get your head right again.

Most of all, be a good bloke, be happy for her when the time comes that she finds someone again. After all, I'm sure you still want her to be happy, you just have to swallow the pill that her way through life is without you.

Best of luck to you.

reply to post by PutAQuarterIn


It was the advice of strangers that I wanted, so nobody would be biased.

No shes not the one at college, I am.

She works, shes the only female in her office. And things have just changed since shes had her job.

I know it was bad to check on her like that, and if I could I would turn back time and stop myself from doing it, it just felt like it was the only thing to do. I'm so sorry for doing it, I feel so dirty for doing it.

What makes it so hard for me is that she promised she would never cheat because of what had happened between her parents. Plus both of her sisters are in relationships and have been since their teen years, one has two kids and the other is about to get a place with her boyfriend.

I just feel like I made a mistake which she is not willing to forgive me for. She had done similar things, called my mum when things were bad, asked her if i was seeing someone else, her own mother even called mine to find out. It just feels like when I've made the mistake it's not cool but it is for her?

From what I've said does it seem like she had her mind made up a long time ago, and this was her way out?

I'd go with no as well.
Its such a nasty trick our selfish human nature plays on us when we want ''things'' to be like they ''were''. It never is, actually it always leads to more destructive circumstances....everything is ephemeral. People tend to live in the past and it somewhat is normal because it hold all of our familiarities, all we can relate to so we can move forward...we know nothing about the futur right?
Things change...they evolve, just like people. I tend to beleive relationships throughout one's life is pretty much trial and error. You need to be broken a couple of times and learn about yourself in the process in order to have an healthy relationship eventually.

Originally posted by PutAQuarterIn
This sounds like she wants to leave and doesn't know how to break your heart since it's something she hasn't really had to do before. I don't mean that to be harsh and I wouldn't even take it personal if that is her reason. She probably wants to try out that new relationship feeling while she still young. She's in collage so she probably felt she was the only one not trying new things and feeling tied down.It's a cruel joke but I've had many a female friend do this, especially when they start collage. I feel bad for you getting your heart smashed in it. I would say not cool spying on her but if it was me in your shoes I would probably have stooped to it to....I just wouldn't have admitted it to all the strangers on ats

I suggest having fun (within legal reason) and trying new things too. Let this be an opportunity and a lesson. When you find one your sure you want to keep remember to keep it fresh don't let it get stale, remind her you love her everyday even if it's just a quick message. I'm not saying this was all you by any means but making a person feel special and missed will make them forget that new feeling a little longer.

ADD I don't know her and I can't say she has physically cheated yet...but I promise you she is at least mentally cheating. A VERY educated guess I'm not that girl but I have alot of friends who are and it feels like I know the girl your describing. Sorry if that is what your afraid to hear I am sympathetic about your situation but she wants out and that is clear.

edit on 2-3-2012 by PutAQuarterIn because: add

I feel for you but this above post is exactly what popped into my head as I read your tale. Hang in there my friend, life sucker-punches you sometimes but you'll heal.

I would suggest her life goals have changed, but yours haven't. One thing about life goals is you can only truly control your own. You cannot force your goals on other people. Good relationships are built on either having similar life goals, or fully supporting each others life goals.

You can have simple goals, of say keeping the house tidy. If that is not her goal, you shouldn't expect her to automatically adopt that goal as hers. If she supported you in that goal however, you might have a tidy house, but because it is your goal, you'd be doing most of the work.

Another good example is if one of you choose to live healthier, eating balanced, and regular exercise. If you both haven't agreed on that as a goal, it is wrong to judge the other and place guilt and say things that manipulate or hurt someone into living that goal. "You should get some exercise because I feel fantastic!" "You should eat this and maybe your pants will fit better". Not the other persons goal, no need of forcing the issue because that just causes resent.

Write down your life goals, all of them. All the things you'd like to do before you die in the order you'd like to do them. Ask her to do the same thing. Then together look at them and decide what you can and can't support and ask the same of hers. If you can't see eye to eye on all of them, you might as well fund a partner who you can share support with.

Also remember that as experience grows, goals may change as well.

What you could do is try to find what her true life goals are, and then support her in any way you can. But you also need to let her know what your life goals are and ask for her full support. If she can't support yours, or you can't support hers, then it is time to move on. If one of her goals is to live without you, I'm pretty sure you couldn't support that one, so you must move on.

Thanks everyone for your words and opinions.

Most have been pretty brutal but at least it was truthful and unbiased.

I am going to try and be mature about this. We have agreed to see each other on sunday whilst I am at her sisters. I will ask her her true feelings and if she is still 100% sure I will have to accept it. I would also like her to call this number in front of me, just to prove it was her friend and not someone else.

If she can do that, then I feel I can let go. I just need to know the truth however much it will hurt.

reply to post by TommyG


I see what you're saying.

My life goals have changed since I've been with her.

Before I was sure I never wanted a child until I was successful in life, maybe in my 30's? I was so sure of this I knew that if she was to get pregnant I would like her to maybe have an abortion because of how young we were.

That has completely changed. Now we have matured I feel that if that happens I would be ok with it. Sure it would be hard but I was so sure I wanted to stay with her.

Ultimately my goals were to finish university, get a job, get a place with her and just be happy.

Maybe I was stupid to set my whole life around her, and I may have taken her for granted alot of the time but that's it. I've made her my life and now that she's sure it's over I just don't know what to do.

reply to post by splittheatom


Be sure to consider her goals and support her. If you can't, its time to move on. If she can't support yours, its time to move on.

All in all, it will hurt, but one day you'll look back and say, "You know what? Everything is all right." And remember, time heals everything.

You're young, move on. It's not the end of the world, its the end of your world with one girl. On the up side, You both will have grown and learned a lot about yourselves in the past 4 years, which is a good thing.

Generally when suspicious feelings start to show up they are not unfounded. Once you get to the point where you were willing to check her Facebook and Bills, you will always have trust issues with her, even if they are only subconscious.

You have an opportunity to try new things, focus on College and just rediscover who you are as a person on your own - you may even find that the real you has been hiding for a while just so that you still fit in to the relationship.

These things happen man. I'm 24. Just got out of a dysfunctional 6 year relationship recently and life has definitely improved in some ways.

reply to post by FlamingoSheriff


Hey FlamingoSheriff; "move on" is extremely easy for you to say because you don't have a vested interest in the relationship. You have no idea what keeps him looking for a solution to the problem at hand. If everyone just gave up when things get hard nothing worthwhile would ever get done.

I do give you credit though in saying that things will be ok and giving the advice of problems with trust are not easily fixed. Perhaps she has moved on, but what if she just wants his support? What if the OP doesn't give her the time of day? This is something he has the power to change and to him, perhaps it is worth hanging on. That is his sole decision though. Trying to influence his decision one way or the other isn't what he needs help with. The OP needs help in discovering why things are the way they are, fix what he can fix, and then make the decision to move on if the relationship requires to much energy to continue. It would be a waste of a long term relationship investment to not try to fix it in my opinion.

Its like having a TV with one broken channel. Do you throw out the TV just because one channel doesn't work? Perhaps if the channel is your favorite. But if the channel is cpac and you hate politics it is really just an annoyance to not have that channel and maybe you could learn to live with it.

I will have to go with the majority on the point about it being over, and I would add that in her mind it has been over for sometime based on what you posted. The age difference between you two is not enough to be significant but the fact that the guy you suspect her of cheating with is considerably older could suggest she has daddy issues which is quite common in girls of that age group. As to wether she has cheated or not going on what you said I would say somewhere between likely to very likely. Its time to move on (sorry bruv) but its not all bad news, you've got a car, your at college (mixed sex I presume) so just get on doing what nature intended. I can put you on to some excellent resources that will assist you in your future ventures.

best wishes