Please help before I go INSANE

Originally posted by Hydroman

Originally posted by freespirit1
I have asked him this, and the standard answer is "I don't knowllll..................." WTH am I supposed to take from that other than :" wash your hands and make me a sammich:

Hmmmm, kinda sounds like a jerk to me. Wait a second, is this my wife?

muahahahhaha not your wife. But you have a sense of humor, so wanna be my friend?? LMAO

reply to post by freespirit1

I have asked him this, and the standard answer is "I don't knowllll..................." WTH am I supposed to take from that other than :" wash your hands and make me a sammich:

This is what I would do.....

My spouse tells me that, so I say..."alright, im going to play video games for the rest of the night and ignore you. Fine, you go to bed...(again), im going to enjoy myself and do what I want to do without you "

Yes, i am a male and I love video games and most women hate it. But...stonewall him, do something you and your lady friends would do (even during your day off of work). Do something you like to do that he hates.

reply to post by freespirit1

You also seem to have a good heart and a great sense of humour too. I am sure they will both serve you well, as they seem to serve Hydroman too. Laughing at oneself is a good thing. I do it quite regularly but then I am pretty stupid and don't have anyone here to make fun of except myself. Hours of endless fun...ahem!

reply to post by buni11687

"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
Quote from someone way cleverer than me

Originally posted by freespirit1
muahahahhaha not your wife. But you have a sense of humor, so wanna be my friend?? LMAO

Yes, I will be your friend.

So what your realizing is alcohol and now the recent addition of coc aine is not helping your relationship with husband. I'm sure you know what the right answer to your problem is before you even asked the question.
Here's my 2 cents worth..........

You have one of 3 choices:

1. Continue down this self destructive path. Results will be mysery, despair and eventual death for both of you through health issues, suicide or homicide

2. get your self sober and stay that way. An alcoholic, as you have acknowledged yourself to be, must stop the use of alcohol COMPLETELY and can never be a "normal" or "social" drink anytime in their future. Stopping and NEVER drinking again is the only way.
After you have been sober for an appropriate amount of time to think clearly it is time to face a hard questions.
Is your husband worth living with in his current addicted state? Are you of such lack of worth that you need to sacrifice yourself to a selfcentered and emotionally abusive addict? Which leads to choice #3

3. After you have acheived sustained sobriety demand that your husband become clean and sober as well. His final decision, and he more than likely won't quit without a fight, will show you what he loves and cherishes above everything else. YOU and his relationship with you, or his relationship with alcohol and drugs without you in his life.
Realize you may have to end your relationship with him and act on that decision. You may be facing a divorce in order to save your life and prevent a continuing life of misery.

Please keep this in mind as you ponder these points..........

There are a lot of ex-drinkers and druggers out there in the world. These are people just like you, me and your husband who decided that their love for their wives, husbands and children (and respect for themselves) was more important than their love/addiction for (in my case alcohol) or drugs. Being a drunk sucks, you realize that after you've been sober and in control of your life for a while, Living with a drunk REALLY SUCKS, or so I've been told by those I affected with my drinking

Thanks for all the comments and advice. Today is a new day, and I have decided to do what I do, and be the best that I can without letting anything or anyone bring me down.

I appreciate every point of view, and thanks for listening to me rant!

I would have told him to get the heck out at the first peep that he didn't like what I made to eat. You worked all day long while he sat on his bum drinking.
He should have been the one making dinner. I hate to say this, but if you want to be happy, get rid of him. No man should be treating you this way, alcoholism or not.

My husband may be the king of the castle but I am the queen and I say off with your head if I am shown any disrespect especially considering all I do in my home. I hope you get this worked out, and good for you for working, but he needs to be pulling some weight as well.

I need input PLEASE!!!! If it is just me, I will work on it... BUT I see some issues here that HE needs to resolve as well.

While we're only getting one side of the story here, it sure sounds like it's him, not you.

How long has he been home from work when you get home?

A little drinking is one thing, but until he passes out, on a daily basis? That's even more than just an alcoholic...that's just plain dangerous. Sounds like you both are trying to escape from something. Ever consider some other means of escapism? Some TV, a movie, going out somewhere....something else other than getting blitzed?

I can only imagine what it does to the er uhm...intimacy issues...

Any family and friends who could help influence him? Maybe even stage an intervention? To be drinking this much, there's definitely something going on. Ever tried talking about it?

reply to post by freespirit1


From what you have said if I take you at your word then there is very little reason for him to be acting like that, and treat you like that...If anything try to get him to do other things then the norm of what he does, even getting another hobby that does not involve drinking, or less drinking that both of you can engage in.

But in either case get help and try to remove yourself from that environment, and maybe in time he to will come around...Because really you cant change people, you can only set some rules change some patterns and wait a little for him to come around...But if he does not then it is time to move on.

Truth is most people are attracted to "like" people and are with people like themselves on a great many levels even if those levels are not obvious. And your relationship sounds like it was based a lot on your mutual addiction and hobby of alcohol, lets just say you were on the same wavelength in some respects.. But now that one of you have moved on from that, all the mutual things that once held you together will start to fall apart, and so you will slowly move farther from each-other.

Or you will find yourself's again in another respect and lane, which will not be easy and given the hurdles and mountains all depending on the path and circumstances in both your life it can be down right impossible, and as so...Thinking seriously on ending it and moving on is not only rational, but the only option possible, and the right path to take.

But the whole doing coke thing should ring bells that something is seriously messed up him. And it will probably go downhill eventually and fast if he does not make a serious effort to change and find the reason why things are the way they are.

If anything you should tell him straight up that even tough alcohol might be somewhat acceptable the harder drugs like coke are not, and if he continues to go down that path...Seriously just pack and leave, because like I said either he changes or does not, and sometimes the best thing to do in some cases is to leave the person alone with himself, and let him face his demons. And if you do care, leave him with the knowledge and option that if he so chose he can always come around if he changes his ways and patterns.

And time will tell what he really wants. If anything everybody needs some time alone and away from each-other from time to time, to sort things out in there own heads first. And in such things different people have different means and triggers that will get them moving, what works for one might not work for another. So what worked for you in all likelihood will not work for your husband as you want it to.

reply to post by Gazrok


He gets home about 3:00, so it's just a little over 3 hours until I get home. I called him a little while ago and told him today is a NO DRINK day... so we'll see how that goes. I have today off, so hopefully he will "play along".

I guess I wouldn't care so much, but it's like watching someone commit slow suicide, and I have told him I am NOT going to play that game again... if he doesn't listen and stop, I am going to "Get Gone."

I have promised myself that I am not going to have another drink until I can prove to myself that it is his problem and not mine, so we will see how that goes.... It is what it is, and while I can't change others' behaviors, I have to be responsible for my own.

As for going out, I can't remember the last time we went anywhere together other than his company Christmas party (which we are supposed to go to tomorrow again) Other than that, it is hard for me to get him to leave the house after he gets home from work.

The problem in your relationship is that you are not spending quality time together which in turn is leading him to find the only source of adventure which he is already familiar with. Drinking.

The fact that you are quitting what was always a mutual habit is leaving him even more lonely further reenforcing the vicious cycle of alcoholism.

The answer is both of you need to step down from alcohol AT THE SAME TIME (not unilaterally) and STEADILY.
After you are both on equal level of playing field you need to start building up your relationship by spending quality time together doing things that spice up your love lifes. (Like going to a romantic dinner, camping trips, etc...)

One has to always think on the partner when making decisions.

ahhh the ever famous "our time" bit


nothing like beating a dead horse eh?


here's the solution every time.. make "our time" as satisfying for the other as it is for you..

if you can offer someone conversation more stimulating than watching tv or passing out they will engage ..


too many people just assume that other people want or are obligated to share their boringness..



plan B: get a hobby

reply to post by spaceg0at


Did you miss the alcoholism part??

Conversation vs. addiction...
gee wonder what will win out?

Originally posted by Chamberf=6
reply to post by spaceg0at

 

Did you miss the alcoholism part??

Conversation vs. addiction...
gee wonder what will win out?

i dont know... i would find a better mate

reply to post by freespirit1


It sounds to me that since you're the one willing to try to make things better while he's still not at that point, that your lives are already moving in 2 different directions. If things continue in this vein, both of you on 2 different pages so to speak, nature will dictate that you won't be together much longer.

I've been down that alcohol road before, and from my experience I can tell you that your situation just isn't going to work out in the end if you BOTH don't stop drinking. Drugs and relationships don't mix.

David and David said best:

youtu.be...

On a side note, even if alcohol wasn't involved try to think if whether you 2 would be on the same page anyway. The wife and I are kind of in that predicament right now. Drugs or alcohol aren't involved, but things have slowly been deteriorating for about a year now, and even though it's a very hard thing to do, we've been together for 15 years and have a 12 year old daughter, the best thing to do will be to go our seperate ways.

If you prolong this it will only make it harder.

Best of luck to you hon, my prayers are with you.

I have some experience with drinkers and, as a non-drinker, I found them difficult to fathom. I'll try and share what I learned.

1. I used to ask, many times, if I was at fault. Well, I'm not perfect, but I wasn't the problem. If you try and tackle a drinker about their drinking they will get defensive and look for any tiny little mistake that you make and blow it all out of proportion just so that they can point out that you have flaws too - tit for tat.

2. Drinkers have a very tenuous grasp on reality. That's why they don't like things changing around them. Anything that gets done differently 'throws' them. They have trouble dealing with the new reality, however small the changes you make. This includes changes in your behaviour.

3. You're dealing with two people - the person themselves and the drinker. If the drinker is 'in the driving seat' you're not going to see the person before they sober up, and it's pointless trying to deal with the drinker and get any sort of agreement to improve things.

4. The person and the drinker are often in collusion. If you want to 'cure' the person you have to alienate them from the drinker. You have to be sneaky about this and just keep at it until something 'gives'.

5. There is a good chance that people who drink have very deep psychological problems, they may well have been abused as children. Not necessarily sexually abused, just mis-treated. It helps to identify what, or who, caused them to start drinking.

6. Many people need a 'crutch' in life, but some are unlucky in their choice of 'support' or 'escape'. Anyone who wants to try and help an alcoholic would be wise to identify their own 'crutch' and ask how they would cope if someone else insisted that they give it up. I couldn't get through life without tea and would fight tooth and claw if anyone tried to make me

In your situation, I might well consider leaving. You have your own dependency and being around your husband could be detrimental to your health and recovery.

I've often found that drinkers are extremely kind, sensitive people when they're sober. It's made me wonder if they're too sensitive and that's why they 'hide' in a bottle. They may well be devastated to know how they behave when they're drunk but, somehow, it doesn't persuade them to give up. You know your husband and what sort of man he is. You must have some idea as to whether or not he's a lost cause.

I gave up one friend who was just plain nasty when he was sober. I am currently dealing with the knowledge that another is suffering a form of dementia because of the damage alcohol did to her brain. Another friend is facing liver cancer.

I don't hang out in bars looking for drinkers These are just people I've come across in the ordinary course of life, met through other friends or work.

If you stay with your husband you're in it for the long haul and you'll need all your strength. If you haven't the strength to carry his burden as well as your own, there's no shame in giving up.

Think of it as if you were both drowning - would you swim to shore or try to hold him afloat and risk drowning the two of you?