Over 50, Emotionally Scared for Life ?

reply to post by brokedown


I think you are getting way ahead of yourself and quite frankly it sounds like to me you're not even close to having a mature relationship or friendship with a very intelligent woman over the age of 50.

You have to understand that a woman of 50+ and is single or divorced have no time for nonsense. A woman of that age does'nt need a man in her life to enjoy what life has to offer. Why is it that men seem to think they are the beginning and end of life? Perhaps she's had her fair share of partners and now wants to focus on other things? And there's plenty more things to do out there than focus on men. Women don't get lonely later in life, men do.

Everyone has baggage by the age of 50 but women seem to shrug it off a hell of alot sooner then their male counterparts.

Let me tell you some thing. When a single or divorced woman turns 50, they start to seriously plan for their retirement. Very few would even consider a serious relationship let alone marriage. She knows she's only got 25-30 years left to enjoy herself, to have her mortgage paid off, her funeral expenses in check.....she has no intentions of nursing a sick old man for the remainder of her life because thats about what would happen to her if she gets hooked in to marriage now. Women over 50 won't ever get involved in casual relationships at that age.

There is also issues with inheritance. What if she owned her own home and her new husband did'nt. She leaves the house and all her other assets to her children, he fights to stay there plus he has access to all her possessions. Her kids are in for a legal minefield. The same could be said if it was the other way round.

Originally posted by brokedown
After I learned of their conversation and before I used the number I saw their interaction as a “RED FLAG” and told my cousin that the last thing I need in my life was a bunch of High school type girl drama and I will pass on a dinner date.

...

How is it that a supposedly mature intelligent woman able to jump from pleasant company over dinner to a serious relationship and “put out or get out”.

There you have your answer-- right before you asked it.

By one's fifties, the eyes are open to how the world works, and therefore each possess a substantial collection of "Red Flags."

You did it and she did it-- searched through the red flags to see if any could be appropriate so past mistakes and/pr past pains are/is not repeated.

Complicating the situation is that you were let in on the "girl talk" (which is a euphemism for gossip, and gossip is ALWAYS engaged in to poison a relationship of another or justify oneself, and in this case, probably both).

So, I interpret it this way as likely:

Her affection was genuine. She drove home getting her hopes up. She got home remembering how many times her hopes have been dashed and began chastising herself for being affectionate. Soon, she was just sure that her display of affection was misinterpreted that she just wanted sex, and then transferred that onto you-- that it was all you wanted. In other words, her fears drove her to thwart her own best interests.

So, she presents these fears, not as fears, but as accusation in her gossip session with your cousin.

You get told what she said, and the whole thing became ugly.

Now think about it. The last interpersonal contact you had with that woman was a display of affection and an expressed desire to see you again. All else was in her own mind afterward-- her fears imagining the worst. It was not you-- it was the memories of other relations.

So, ignore the girl-talk, pretend you do not know when you call her. Plenty of time to talk-- tell her what the affection meant-- tell her the very things you wrote about-- that she had all the things you find attractive.

reply to post by Frira


I don't, I think by the time she got home she thought....hmmmm, too much hard work. She likes her independance, does'nt want to share her home with anyone and wants to do as she pleases when she pleases without having to clean up the shlep of another person and being asked where she's going every 5 mins.

The fact of the matter is, none of us know for sure what this woman's thoughts and motivations were for what she did and what she said. There may have been alcohol involved during the dinner, and she was more affectionate than she meant to be. She may have sobered up the next day and was afraid she gave the wrong impression. We can only guess at this point.

In my opinion (and that's all it is), it would be wrong to start out on a lie. I would not pretend not to know what she said to your cousin, because that's not the truth. Start out by being really honest. Tell her what you thought of her when you met her, how you felt when she kissed you and expressed an interest in seeing you again. Tell her how confused you were when you heard what she said. If it's true that you are also not looking for a serious relationship or sex right at this moment, then tell her this. At this stage of your lives, you both should be past the point of playing games. Just be honest, open and straightforward, and hopefully she will return the gesture.

reply to post by Deetermined

Funny, I've seen more men behave this way than women.

I've seen this from men and women both in all age groups surprisingly. Older people are just better at pulling it off.

MOST women in this age group DO NOT make up their minds about sex after a first encounter!

Your experience is different than my own then. I have found that most women have already made up their mind very early on whether or not they will have sex with you. However, just because she has made up her mind doesn't mean she will act on it immediately.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen senior aged women go out with men who claim they have no intention of marrying again, but drop comments about reconsidering after only a few weeks. It's alright as long as the male is dropping the "M" word, but the first time it comes out the woman's mouth, the men remind them that they never had any intentions of marriage all over again. I see this game played over and over again by men to suck women in to doing what they want.

I've seen this very scenario played out with both genders. But I don't believe it's a majority of either side that act this way.

I find it very disappointing there is still such a gender divide in this world. Of course, much has been done to perpetuate it religiously, politically, and societally. And it is for this reason, as a civilization, our growth has been stunted. It is high time we learn to treat all genders and races as equals, and build upon our differences, rather than letting them divide us, and make us easy prey as a group.

Balderdash!!!!
You should have hit her in the hind quarters with your buggy whip, she is a foul temptress and a flapper.

Originally posted by bluemirage5
reply to post by Frira

 

I don't, I think by the time she got home she thought....hmmmm, too much hard work. She likes her independance, does'nt want to share her home with anyone and wants to do as she pleases when she pleases without having to clean up the shlep of another person and being asked where she's going every 5 mins.

Could be that, and it sounds like you'll never know. Your red flags and her red flags have now become wall shaped.

First, being 55, she knows the basic urges of men.

Second, your relative wrongly provided you with intimate details of their girly conversation. That you did receive the 'phone number should be enough for you to accept that she was not putting on during the dinner. She was telling your relative what girls used to tell their boyfriends when they had already decided to get laid. She was saying, "No, No," and "No" to protect her virture via word if nothing else. That way you would't expect her to be easy. That you wre given the 'phone number was a futuristic "maybe." A "YES," dumbkoff.

Third, you don't know the basic strategies of women.

A single woman over 50? Not wanting to be involved in a relationship?

Women (at least normal ones) do not want to be alone. They like having a man around, to do those manly things we do for them.

Age makes no difference whatsoever. It's the basic needs of companionship that drive us to interact with members of the opposite sex. She's tired of paying people to do the man jobs (mowing the yard, clearing the gutters, etc.) that a companion would automatically do. For that, you get sex.

My god man, have you forgotten how the game is played? The rules have never changed, only your age has. Those butterflies you used to get with the first love of your life? Yeah, you get them past fifty as well.

Give her a call, set up a date, and act like a teenager again. That's what dating is all about. Have fun, get to know her more, and have fun. Life is short. Too short. She knows that as well.

We can all speculate and say this and that. Just go on the darned date and see where it goes! Give it a chance or you'll never know what could have been.

Originally posted by brokedown
After I learned of their conversation and before I used the number I saw their interaction as a “RED FLAG” and told my cousin that the last thing I need in my life was a bunch of High school type girl drama and I will pass on a dinner date.

Straight forward honesty is a "RED FLAG"?

Sorry - - but I find your reaction High School.

Originally posted by brokedown
Would it be your advice that I would be more Understanding, and compassionate toward the “baggage” in hand.

That is quite an assumption.

Let me turn this around. Most men tend to be needy. As a mature independent woman - - its probably something she has no desire to have in her life.

Originally posted by Druid42
A single woman over 50? Not wanting to be involved in a relationship?

Women (at least normal ones) do not want to be alone. They like having a man around, to do those manly things we do for them.

Age makes no difference whatsoever. It's the basic needs of companionship that drive us to interact with members of the opposite sex. She's tired of paying people to do the man jobs (mowing the yard, clearing the gutters, etc.) that a companion would automatically do. For that, you get sex.

My god man, have you forgotten how the game is played? The rules have never changed, only your age has. Those butterflies you used to get with the first love of your life? Yeah, you get them past fifty as well.

Give her a call, set up a date, and act like a teenager again. That's what dating is all about. Have fun, get to know her more, and have fun. Life is short. Too short. She knows that as well.

Well you just turned me off.

Just my opinion, but skip the drama. Your intuition has already told you something is wrong here. You did everything right in your approach. It was a mature and reasonable response on your part. But her response was insulting at best. She's jerking you around. Unless you want to spend the time with this drama queen, skip it. It's not worth it.

Originally posted by schuyler
Just my opinion, but skip the drama. Your intuition has already told you something is wrong here. You did everything right in your approach. It was a mature and reasonable response on your part. But her response was insulting at best. She's jerking you around. Unless you want to spend the time with this drama queen, skip it. It's not worth it.

The only drama here is man's insecurity.

Stop assuming. Find out.

Originally posted by Annee

Originally posted by Druid42
A single woman over 50? Not wanting to be involved in a relationship?

Women (at least normal ones) do not want to be alone. They like having a man around, to do those manly things we do for them.

Age makes no difference whatsoever. It's the basic needs of companionship that drive us to interact with members of the opposite sex. She's tired of paying people to do the man jobs (mowing the yard, clearing the gutters, etc.) that a companion would automatically do. For that, you get sex.

My god man, have you forgotten how the game is played? The rules have never changed, only your age has. Those butterflies you used to get with the first love of your life? Yeah, you get them past fifty as well.

Give her a call, set up a date, and act like a teenager again. That's what dating is all about. Have fun, get to know her more, and have fun. Life is short. Too short. She knows that as well.

Well you just turned me off.

Excuse me? I was never trying to turn you on. I was stating MHO.

I'll take it you are past 50 and independent? Kudos to you.

Originally posted by Druid42

Originally posted by Annee

Originally posted by Druid42
A single woman over 50? Not wanting to be involved in a relationship?

Women (at least normal ones) do not want to be alone. They like having a man around, to do those manly things we do for them.

Age makes no difference whatsoever. It's the basic needs of companionship that drive us to interact with members of the opposite sex. She's tired of paying people to do the man jobs (mowing the yard, clearing the gutters, etc.) that a companion would automatically do. For that, you get sex.

My god man, have you forgotten how the game is played? The rules have never changed, only your age has. Those butterflies you used to get with the first love of your life? Yeah, you get them past fifty as well.

Give her a call, set up a date, and act like a teenager again. That's what dating is all about. Have fun, get to know her more, and have fun. Life is short. Too short. She knows that as well.

Well you just turned me off.

Excuse me? I was never trying to turn you on. I was stating MHO.

I'll take it you are past 50 and independent? Kudos to you.

Yep!

Straight forward - no games. Been there - done that. I have no interest in wasting my time.

If I like you - I like you. If I don't - I don't.

reply to post by Annee


Well then, that said, I can see you are neither "Emotionally Scared" (or scarred, maybe:puz as the OP was asking. Glad to see you know what you want out of life.

Too bad more women weren't like you. Solid, decisive, intelligent, and mature.

If I was ten years older, I'd prolly want to stalk you.

I have read each and everyone of your responses and appreciate each of you taking the time to reply.

Thank You ATS.

I believe that I completely agree with SCHUYLER’s comments and will follow that advice.

My intuition has alerted me to an underlining issue and every time I ignore that six sense it turns out badly.

I must say that I am disappointed, that I was hopeful that I had possibly found a new “like-minded” friend, which is extremely rare, but I cannot ignore my intuition.

Thanks again to all of you !

Originally posted by angeldoll
We are accustomed to men only wanting to have sex with us, and she wanted to put it out front that it's not on her agenda right now.

Of course, that is subject to change.

Is it? Or is that the "hook" to keep the interest while a controlling mind assesses the benefits of a relationship before any kind of commitment?

Sounds like a scarred person to me who needs to control the world around them because they have little self control. Nothing unusual I think.

Sad thing is, with all the insecurities around these days it's not easy to find someone who is happy enough just to be themselves and go with a nutural flow, there are often controlling influences going on behind the eyes providing emotional buffers. That's how I think a "dinner date" for one was turned into "marriage" for another, preperation of the conditions.

I'm a bit like that myself, and it's not men or women but both.

-----------

To the O.P...why not get the dinner date, have fun, at end of the evening, get down on one knee at say "please do not marry me" She'll either laugh and understand or fume because you have snipped the string holding the carrot.

Whatever you do, have fun. (And don't end up as synical as me)