How upset should I really be?

Originally posted by Sentience365
reply to post by liquidsmoke206

 

Ha, I seriously doubt that, something I failed to mention is that this guy is on probation. He was a pill junkie and help up a store at knife-point. I asked what would compel her to flirt with such a loser and she replied "I just wanted to see if I could get someone's attention."

Do you hear what she is saying? She wanted to see if she could get some ones attention. Clearly there is a need of hers that YOU are not fulfilling! Not to be harsh but people cheat and flirt with the idea of cheating because their needs are not being met!
You hear all the time about people cheating with someone fatter, uglier, and what not...and its because it doesn't matter how this person looks or what they do for a living, its all about the basic need being met. (ie: Arnold Schwarzenegger and the fat housekeeper)
Maybe he complimented her, talked about something she liked, made her feel attractive...or fed some other need that had been neglected.
This is not me trying to blame you....things grow stale and complacent during the course of relationships and its something that is always taking work and effort.
Maybe think things through, and don't react with emotion...ask yourself, what can I DO to strengthen this bond and relationship. It could be something as easy as a compliment here and there.
Otherwise, any future relationship you are in, could reach the same fate....
To affair proof a relationship, you have to find out what the other persons needs are and care enough to meet them.
If you care about her at all still and are thinking about trying to work things out (which I believe you may still be on the fence about, since you are here asking for advice) Then sit with her, talk about her needs and your needs and talk about meeting them for each other and making things work.
Some guys just don't care enough about putting in the effort but if she is at all worth it to you, than do this!
It can be such an easy fix!

I appreciate all of the responses, I obviously have much thinking to do.

Although I believe what my girlfriend did was a devastating, soul crushing move I do not believe she is the same kind woman which some of you have encountered. A lot of our experiences leave us jaded, I was jaded for a very long time before I met my girlfriend. She may have kept something from me from time to time but she has never outright lied to my face, she has always told the truth eventually. Some may think that I am being foolish in my assessment of what happened, but if she said that nothing physical took place then I am willing to bet it did not. I am not going to let her inconsistencies get the better of me. I will move forward regardless of what has been done and I will not let this instance make me hate her or any other woman.

While I am not saying we're going to get back together (It doesn't look like it right now) I do feel that I have gained enough perspective in the last few days to let this thing go. This is pretty large step for me since I don't think I have ever forgiven anyone in my life.

reply to post by Sentience365


To be completely honest I think your not out of line, I've been in the same situation I think you did the right thing. like they said "she's not your property" damn straight that means you dont gotta keep her.

reply to post by Htrowklis82


Or she could be using an over used excuse, she was playin a game and she got caught. Game Over. No need for hard feelings but game over none the less.

reply to post by Sentience365


I'm afraid that if you are going to dwell on the"what ifs" you will never be comfortable with any potential partner,you maybe need to take a look at yourself .I mean, do you look at the what ifs in any situation? for example have you ever turned down a new job or the chance to go to another place because of the what ifs?

Your girlfriend didn't take things to the next level,so can't you just leave it at that?,but good luck anyway with whatever you decide to do to address the situation.

I assume that when you're in a committed relationship, you expect it to lead to something great (long term, marriage, etc). If you don't realize that she's the one, or it doesn't seem to run smoothly from the get-go, that's a tale-tell sign that you deserve better. Someone can make you feel good, but 'good' is just something you get addicted to until you've had 'the best' - the best for YOU, that is.

I urge you to find someone that you click right into place with from the start, it will be more than obvious. The what-ifs will kill you from stress in the long run, however uncomfortable it is in the short run- let go.

reply to post by Htrowklis82


Excellent response Htrowklis82.

Basically, my rule is this. All women are #ed in the head. Every single one of them. It doesn't matter if it's your mother or sister or girlfriend or wife or Mother Teresa. All of them. Every single one.

That being said, there is only one rational thing you can do. Find one who is #ed in the head in a way that you can live with. Not one that drives you crazy all the time. One that has foibles (read "#ed-in-headedness") that may piss you off occasionally, but that on balance, you can forgive because of her other good qualities.

That's it. There isn't any more. You will NEVER find the mythical perfect loyal, never lies, never over-shops, loves to give head, keeps a perfect house, puts up with all your crap no matter how egregious, woman. The one you had, sounds like a decent one, from your description. Maybe it was a bad idea to confess to you, thinking you might get the message that she wasn't getting enough attention from you. They do that.

And we notice it all the time in the opposite direction. We say something. They think it means something else entirely. Because that's how they are raised. They just can't possibly believe that when a man asks them to pass the salt, it doesn't *really* mean he thinks she is a lousy cook. It never enters her mind that he simply wants her to pass the salt, as he happens to like salty food.

And hence, when they say something, they expect you to get some kind of other message, relatively unrelated to the content of what she actually says.

At any rate.....only you can decide if our standards are too rigid. Maybe you are better off. Maybe you have just made the greatest mistake of your life. But, whether you resolve it by deciding to forgive, or move on, remember that everything in life is a trade-off...a cost/benefit equation, if you will. Pricing your standards out of the market, only ensures that you have the most expensive product that no one wants to buy. Good luck my friend.

Originally posted by Sentience365
reply to post by liquidsmoke206

 

Ha, I seriously doubt that, something I failed to mention is that this guy is on probation. He was a pill junkie and help up a store at knife-point. I asked what would compel her to flirt with such a loser and she replied "I just wanted to see if I could get someone's attention."

Maybe you haven't been giving her enough attention for her to be seeking it from another.

reply to post by hungry4truth

Someone can make you feel good, but 'good' is just something you get addicted to until you've had 'the best'

Did you come up with this line? It's a pretty good one. We had problems from the get go, but you know human nature kicks in and you say that everyone has problems. True but are those problems you are comfortable with? I was not comfortable with a lot of our problems but I stayed because I knew we could work through them. Sadly not all things are meant to be and from the looks of things we hit some speed bumps along the way that I didn't notice.

reply to post by nake13


I've let go of the "what if's" for now, that doesn't necessarily mean they wont haunt me later though. I am trying top live in the now and to be honest I feel like I'm leveling off. The last few days have been a roller-coaster ride of anger, sadness, fear and resentment but I am hitting steady ground now.

reply to post by pimpinette

Originally posted by pimpinette
So, I consider my self being pretty open minded when it comes to relationships, a bit hippie-ish. But I must say I think you did the right thing, at this point.

As a woman, I'm guessing one out of two scenarios happened here:
* She loves you but she is really physically attracted to him. If he had come to the bar something would have happened.
* She only likes him so and so, but she does not feel validated and appricieated by you on some level, so she took the chance to be adored. Maybe nothing would have happened if he'd shown up – but you two would still have relationship problems. And if she is a pretty girl that get hit on a lot, this will probably happen again.

So, like I said in the beginning, at this point I think you did the right thing by splitting up. She needs a wakeup call, and to really soulsearch how she handled the situation and not just blame it on something vague like "a silly mistake". What will happen in the future is anyones guess. Good luck!

edit on 30-9-2011 by pimpinette because: (no reason given)

This. I could not have said it any better.
You did the right thing by splitting up. Sometimes some people dont understand how much someone means to them until they're gone. Hopefully she'll come to her senses. Her "silly mistake" is nothing but an excuse, the mere fact that one even consider to hook up with another person is literally disrespecting and taking no importance of their own present relationship.
Like many other responses, there is a fine line that shouldn't be cross. Flirting is OK on some occasions but being at a bar drinking and calling another individual to hook up with is crossing that line.

I would have done the same thing.

Walking in the ways of hurt, rebelling with attitude. It will not get me anywhere. The pain is rising like yeast in the oven. I am letting it change my mind. The change is good but the pain is bad. I need to know. I can be Loved. I am...

what she did is not good , i would have done the same :/ if you love her give her one more chance if she #s up one more time , let her go . good luck

reply to post by Sentience365


smart choice dude. Once a cheater always a cheater. And theres no way she would have text that guy if she didn't intend to do something stupid. Theres no excuse for cheating on someone that you love and that loves you. And theres no excuse for leaving the door open for the possibilites.

reply to post by Sentience365


You could go out to a bar, have a drink and have a buddy drive you home. There is always the possibility you would drink and drive and get a dui or kill someone. So we shouldn't talk to you because your a wanna be killer.

See the stretch?

The girl just wanted some attention. and yes, it can end right there. She will soak it up and go on her way. Men who won't take no for an answer and will not respect boundaries will end up being used that way.

reply to post by Sentience365


You are never going to have a happy relationship or a lasting one until you accept that people are human and screw up. Period.

There are no princesses or prince charmings and charm school to make everyone act perfectly. People have good emotions and bad, they do good things and they do bad.

If you run everytime there is a mistake, you will keep running for the rest of your life. And guess what, there are going to be times where you screw up and you will want her to forgive you. That is what a relationship is all about.

Does staying with her mean you are advocating her behavior? No. If she is remorseful, and is willing to earn your trust back, then you should give her the chance. Now that is the true definition of loyalty.

reply to post by Sentience365


You sound a little paranoid dude... Have you never made a silly mistake?

reply to post by Sentience365


Thats definitely a yellowcard.