How upset should I really be?

Hello all, it was not too long ago that I was giving out relationship advice to a fellow ATS'er and now it seems that I am the one in need of some objective guidance.

My girlfriend manages a restaurant which about a month ago catered for the annual golf tournament which took place at the local country club. Apparently everyone from the restaurant was given the numbers of staff who usually work at the country club in case they needed assistance. The country club's staff could get them ice, beer, soda, basically anything they needed for customers but were too busy to get for themselves. Multiple guys hit on my girlfriend that weekend but apparently one of them, a country club staff member, fixated on her (This guy was someone she had been involved with for literally only about a week in high school, so it's been about seven years.)

Anyway, she would send him a text to get her ice or something else and he reply with something corny like "I'd do anything for you " or "I was just in the break room dreaming about you." Well apparently his sub-par attempts worked and eventually she was flirting with him. Now she claims that her flirtations were more along the lines of shut-downs and veiled insults but they evolved beyond those. Eventually one night after work, she was at the bar with some coworkers. She then made the decision to text him and ask him if he wanted to come see her at the bar. He said that he couldn't come and she then claims that she realized what a foolish mistake she was making and told him they should stop talking. The guy agreed, she deleted his number and they haven't spoken since.

This all came out on Tuesday of this week, I could tell that something was off between us and my gut would not let it go. I eventually came out and asked her if there is anything she had been keeping from me and she told me the story. Obviously this was extremely upsetting to me and I came down on her pretty hard. She claims that she would have never taken it to a physical level. However, my mind goes to the "what if's" and thinks about what could have happened had he come to the bar that night. I must make it perfectly clear that flirting does not bother me, I am just fine if flirting occurs, we all do it from time to time. What really bothers me is that I was anxiously waiting for her to come home that night, but she was at the bar hoping to see another man. To me trying to meet up with someone is definitely stepping over the line.

I have since broken up with her and I am in the process of finding a new place to live. Everyone around me states that I am being extremely harsh and that she is a great girl who just made a silly mistake. I on the other hand still dwell on the "what if's" and find it close to impossible to trust her after this incident. I need some advice ATS, I have A LOT invested in this relationship both emotionally and financially. Am I being too hasty? Have my emotions and ego gotten the better of me?

reply to post by Sentience365


She's not your property bud. You are definately being too harsh. We all flirt from time to time. If she didn't take it to the next level...good for her. And she came clean as well.

A honest relationship? You could do worse. You should apoligize.

Just my 2 cents

reply to post by TDawgRex


I know she's not my property and I don't think I'm being controlling. She goes out all the time without me and I'm completely fine with it. I honestly do not care if she flirts, like I said it happens but this was different, she was basically planning a date.

This seems a little over the line don't you think? Also, the fact that it could have gone further had he been able to come to bar really has me going. I'm probably being paranoid but it all seems a little sketchy, and why did she take an entire month to tell me? Would she ever have told me had I not asked?

She snapped out of it only when he told her he couldn't come out, this is the part that sticks out to me.

I pretty much agree with TDawgRex . Unless you feel you have lost all trust in her and continuing a relationship with her would just keep you worrying and wondering. Nothing worse than sneaking around to see if she's sneaking around.
Maybe she has some issues to work out, she did set out at first to meet with a guy. So there may be underlying doubts of her own. I hope it works out for you!

If it was me, I would have done the same thing as you! and I couldn't forgive her for that and would think what her intentions would have been had he gone and met her that night?
There are just some lines you don't cross IMO and the boundaries in a serious relationship should be very clear.

But everyone is different I guess, many will say it's harsh and a silly mistake etc etc etc ... only you know personally what you think is an acceptable mistake and if you can let it go or if it would eat you up and cause problems in the future. I don't think anybody can tell you what to do, we all have different levels of trust/forgiveness in our relationships and you will get many different answers/views but in the end, this is purely up to yourself to decide, only you know what is right for you!

reply to post by synnergy


I know what you mean about her having underlying doubts of her own. I really wonder what would have caused her to make such a rash decision.

reply to post by valiant


I have to be honest when I say that I am not a very forgiving person. I've always held myself to a pretty high standard when it comes loyalty and could never understand when people couldn't do the same for me. I know this sounds self-righteous but you also have to understand that I know I possess this trait and thus I do not pressure people to be like me. I let people do what they want, but I hope that they could catch themselves should they be on the cusp of dishonoring themselves.

I'm really trying to think this one out though, never had a connection like this to someone. But if she's doing stuff like this it's time to question how she feels about the relationship.

m8 get her back, i did the same thing 4 years ago n it stills hurts to this day that i didnt take her back

reply to post by Sentience365


Well, you did mention they had some history, even though it was short. I don't feel anything 'made' her message him to come see her. Sometimes, people do things on emotion, the stirring of the moment makes them act while leaving their brain behind. Some say its lack of maturity. Others might say its not a big deal.

It was mentioned in a reply that when your in a relationship, that's a line you do not cross.
But hon, you may be doubting yourself, cause you miss what you had. And that is totally understandable.
I would just play it out in my mind, what it would be like getting back together.
Don't do it, if you're not going to completely let go what has happened, or your relationship will suffer.
Just one opinion, though

reply to post by synnergy


You're right that people do things on emotion and that she could have just texted him for a silly reason. But she was drinking at the bar and they had been flirting all day. Alcohol and emotions are one crappy mix, I REALLY wonder what would have happened had he come that night.

Oh and I know all about getting back into relationships when you haven't let the other person's mistakes go yet. You make them suffer by not letting them forgive their own past, sucks....

you do realize that by breaking up with it probably caused her to go straight to the other guy....am the only one on this site who understands how women operate?

Originally posted by Sentience365
reply to post by valiant

 

I have to be honest when I say that I am not a very forgiving person. I've always held myself to a pretty high standard when it comes loyalty and could never understand when people couldn't do the same for me. I know this sounds self-righteous but you also have to understand that I know I possess this trait and thus I do not pressure people to be like me. I let people do what they want, but I hope that they could catch themselves should they be on the cusp of dishonoring themselves.

I'm really trying to think this one out though, never had a connection like this to someone. But if she's doing stuff like this it's time to question how she feels about the relationship.

I think you have answered your own question somewhere in that response! but thinking things through is the best thing you can do, and asking those questions is the most sensible thing to do, no matter how much you love a person or how strong the connection is.

I think you'll do the right thing eventually whatever that may be, you seem to know yourself well emotionally and this is a very good thing!

Hang in there and good luck whatever you decide!

reply to post by liquidsmoke206


Ha, I seriously doubt that, something I failed to mention is that this guy is on probation. He was a pill junkie and help up a store at knife-point. I asked what would compel her to flirt with such a loser and she replied "I just wanted to see if I could get someone's attention."

So, I consider my self being pretty open minded when it comes to relationships, a bit hippie-ish. But I must say I think you did the right thing, at this point.

As a woman, I'm guessing one out of two scenarios happened here:
* She loves you but she is really physically attracted to him. If he had come to the bar something would have happened.
* She only likes him so and so, but she does not feel validated and appricieated by you on some level, so she took the chance to be adored. Maybe nothing would have happened if he'd shown up – but you two would still have relationship problems. And if she is a pretty girl that get hit on a lot, this will probably happen again.

So, like I said in the beginning, at this point I think you did the right thing by splitting up. She needs a wakeup call, and to really soulsearch how she handled the situation and not just blame it on something vague like "a silly mistake". What will happen in the future is anyones guess. Good luck!

Think about it mate! She was tempted to call him over to see her and she actually did it! And wanted to save her face and then say they should never see or call?
And as we know women, that story she told you was propably sugared up anyway. So stand by your decision and wait for a good woman to come in your life. They exist, trust me

reply to post by pimpinette


Thanks for your assessment of the situation, sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things. I'm going to do a bit of soul searching myself and if I can find some sort of semblance of what happened here.

You should move on.Other option is you can keep playing the fool.Im 36 i have lots of experience with relationships.Women can make you think your in the best relationship in your life and have other things going
on in the background.I have alot of stories i dont have time to share.Almost every breakup ive had at some point in time they have tried to come back.Sometimes i let them and it always seems it was the wrong thing to do...for me anyway.I need to feel its true and once theres taint it never goes away and keeps your mind wondering.

My granmother said something to me one time that now shockes me.Shes been dead for years and considering she was a old fashoned country woman that never gave any real personal advise.She looked at me and out of the blue said "Dont you ever trust a woman".I was like 13 or so so it just went right over my head but i remembered it.You have to trust though although a couple times that advise has come back to me after things went bad.


If you split word of advise keep moving.There will be another and hopefully it works out.Dont get vindictive just say how you feel and move on.BE THE BETTER MAN in any situation you will always win even though you feel your losing.

reply to post by WeekendWarrior


That's about how I feel right about now. Why call someone unless you wanted something in the first place right?

What sucks about the whole thing is that even though we had our issues I always thought she'd be the one. I held out so long and on so many other girls just waiting for an honest one and "here she was" I thought.

It's always someone within your circle that hurts you the most isn't it?

Originally posted by liquidsmoke206
you do realize that by breaking up with it probably caused her to go straight to the other guy....am the only one on this site who understands how women operate?

...and smokes probably right. and she'll do it for two or three reasons.She wants to deflect the hurt,cant be alone,vindictive,or had it planned anyway.

What you have to realize if that happens is how it reflects on sincerity of your former relationship

reply to post by DiiTrOn


"Don't you ever trust a woman." Woah man, your grandmother must have seen some real Jezebels in her time that she wanted to warn you about.

That's somewhat how I feel right now but I keep telling myself not a lump an entire group of people together for the mistakes of a few. It doesn't help that my buddy just got dumped by his girlfriend for another guy and he pretty much thinks we should got out on the town and get revenge.

I feel like I'm gonna be the guy who wonders constantly if we did get back together, just like you described.