I'm so lonely I could die

reply to post by religiousmurder


You're not alone. I've been on the same road and I know others who are too. I can give you many advices but most of what I have to say is available for you to watch and hear which is a lot better.
Youtube Anthony Robbins and watch some of his seminar videos. I think this guy is amazing. His speeches are very motivational and inspiring, at least I think so. I must admit, it definitely made me a better person and my life better after listening to him.

I hope many people who are somewhat in the same boat will enjoy this as much as I have.
Here is a video after a simple search on youtube. There are MANY more you can watch and listen to (books too)

Thanks again for advice people. I'd like to also clarify I haven't smoked pot or drank since november 2010 due to some trouble that got me on probation. Today started out just as bad as last night then ended up being ok. I've seen alot of comments about music. I'd like to share some of my interest with you. This song is fairly inspirational for me. I listen to music from all over the world. traditional folk/ jazz/ blues/ classical/ punk/ psychobilly/ rockabilly/ progressive/ avant garde/ metal/ and any of the elements mixed

Look, Bud. You are obviously well-spoken and you must be educated. It's a rare dropout who can write like that. Don't worry about women just yet. You need a plan and a goal that gets you up or out of fast food. Whether that is your own business or a higher class restaurant or something else entirely: You decide. But your number one goal is to go do that next.

Nobody, man or woman, is really healthily attracted to a depressed personality. Get out of your depression with a good goal and their hearts and minds will follow. You must fix the first issue before the second one will transpire. Go for it and good luck. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

I just wanted to chime in as a female of a similar age that has been through many of the things you describe. I saw this thread when you first posted it and wanted to reply then, but not before I went away and thought about it a bit. So here goes.

Around 10 years ago I had something of a breakdown. My situation at the time was as follows;

I had recently split from my first and only boyfriend - a relationship of 3 years - I was in my 3rd year of university doing a BA in Fine Art, getting up at 6am to get on the bus at 7am for uni at 8am, working through the day until 5pm, catching the bus home for 7pmto grab something quick to eat, shower and change before - 4-5 nights a week - taking the hour long bus journey back to campus to then work from around 9 at night until 1-2am...to then make the bus journey back home.....you see where this is going...

To cut a long story shory - I broke. Total psychotic break from reality and acute depression. I dropped out of uni and over the next couple of years I made attempts on my life, had 3 stays in the local psychiatric hospital and basically my 'life' fell apart. At first I heard voices, hallucinated and was paranoid and just as that subsided I was hit wirh the deep self loathing, depression and lack of confidence that followed .

When I came out of my 'psychosis' had a good enough grip on reality to know I would try ANYTHING to not feel like I did anymore (because when you're down that low, what have you got to lose? Nothing you do could actually make you feel any worse) I started to try to understand myself in order to just feel better.

Since then - it hasn't been easy. It's been getting better, though. And it keeps getting better. But not without a s*** load of hard work on my part. But then the harder you work at something, the better the pay off.

It might not be something everyone here would advocate, but I went for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. NOTHING has been as beneficial to me. I've gained an understanding of what my values are, where they stem from, what I like about myself, what I like in life, and challenged all my self deprecating beliefs to the point where I no longer feel 'I am a bad person' but now feel 'I am a good person'. All from learning to understand how I react badly in difficult situations physically and emotionally, and considering alternatives to my usual reactions based on questioning the validity of my thoughts and emotions.

An example (not real! but based in truth ), as I don't think I am explaining myself very well reading that back!

Situation; I'm working double shifts But I'm struggling to make ends meet. A final demand lands on my doormat. I have no money to pay it.

My thoughts/Emotions: I just don't know what to do, this is the fifth final demand and I have no means to pay them/ Despair, Depression, Anxiety

My Physical response: Sweaty palms, racing heart, breathlessness, tension headache, Insomnia

Self Critical Thoughts; "I'm useless -I should work harder at a job I hate, for crap money, doing more overtime, having less time to do what I want. I don't deserve any better because I'm a failure"


Before therapy it would then go;

My actions: Close the curtains, go back to bed, wish the earth would open up and swallow me as I just can't take any more. I focus on everything I hate about myself and my life, lay awake night after night thinking about how I have to try harder, do better, work longer etc etc

Outcome; The cycle begins again....


Since and during therapy it would go from the self critical thoughts to;

Alternative Perspective; I'm actually doing quite well all things considered. I am doing everything in my power to make my situation better, but you just can't have control over everything in life and I shouldn't criticise myself or push myself any harder because I already am really giving it my all.

Outcome; I don't go back to bed (though it is SOOOO tempting). I crack on and work just as hard as before. I still struggle to make ends meet and don't have as much time to myself as I would like BUT I am, after all, doing everything I possibly can, just as I always did, but instead of feeling bad about myself and the situation I look at it from a different perspective and congratulate myself for the strength I show in carrying on and focusing on the positives in my life.


I use this example as I know alot of people will be able to relate to financial difficulties. I know its not exactly the same as your situation, OP, but like many have said in their posts on your thread, you come across as an intelligent person and I think you'll see how you could apply the above to yourself.

Continued below -

Continued-


You can ask any random person you meet how bad they think things are in the world currently, and I'm willing to bet a good percentage of them would say that its not looking good and have their own story to back their claim up.

And yet...I bet that amongst them you'll also encounter people who would also agree about the world being in bad shape, but they tell you as much with a smile on their faces or a twinkle in their eyes, because instead of focusing on all the doom and gloom, they are looking at even the tiniest positives they can find, and are putting their focus into finding more of them, knowing they are good people, doing what they can to better their situation. And where they can’t make it any better because some things are just beyond their control - they accept that.

And in knowing this, they feel good about themselves. And in feeling good about themselves they attract the company of others that feel good about themselves. Regardless of the issues they face in their lives.


Wow I didn’t intend to make a post this long, and never set out for it to be a kind of ‘Mouldi reveals all!’ expose! (ha!)
But there it all is now.

I guess what I am trying to get across in this longwinded post is that;

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think and feel about it.

Sounds so simple, eh?

I send you my sincerest best wishes in your dark times, and will end the post by saying that everyone has low points in their lives. For many and varied reasons. But the difference in whether they let these times of difficulty consume them, or whether they rise up out of it with a smile on their face, is all in their attitude.

You can do it

reply to post by religiousmurder

Any positive input is welcome.

What does not kill you or cripple you will make you stronger.

Trust me bro you will be fine, for I have seen and know what being really gone and really not belonging anywhere or always being lost feels like. Because I am that, and will always be that, and it has been like that ever since I was 4yrs old, an eternal wanderer on a lonely path, though I am trying really, I do not think I will succeed.

And it is really something that calls to me and has for so long that I am starting to let it all go, eventually you reach a point were the road back is way way farther then the road forward. That the only option left is to keep going on to till the end and even looking forward to the end, whatever it might be.

But you however are not, so you will be fine, you just must go trough some trials and tribulations first, everybody goes trough that to different degrees, it is what makes us who we are.

I’m only 7 years late on this reply not sure if it will help. I truly hope you’re in a better position now. I came here because I’m lonely too, not to the degree you described. You’re pretty damn strong I would’ve probably already killed myself. Just being real, if you have the strength and determination to go that long alone. I know you have what it takes to find that special person who’ll give you a reason to live. Just make sure you love yourself first, straight up. Because you still gotta ensure thats the person, group, etc. that you wanna associate yourself with. You don’t want to physically be accompanied and still feel lonely. One thing that’s #ed me over is trying to act too casual in relations like normal people I suppose, then I don’t really connect. Not to mention but nor do they feel me as well. Just keep moving man, but just be sure you’ve found yourself before your significant other. If not, your whole journey could be compromised creating a worse scenario than the one you’re already in. Hopefully you’ve already found that light, but if not I hope you’re still out there on the move.