I'm so lonely I could die

Hey buddy. I'm sorry about the situation you're in right now. But realize that its only the situation you're in RIGHT NOW. It doesnt HAVE to be this way. People change all the time. You can change yourself. You just have to find a reason to.

I get the feeling you just dont believe in yourself. Its a hard thing to do though. Heres my suggetion: You like music, you like consciousness studies and all that good stuff. Do you have any ideas about consciousness and spirituality? Write em out. Write a few short essays or articles and post them here. Do you own an instrument? Buy a cheap guitar or keyboard on Craigslist and start making noise.

The whole girl thing, well the thing about people is that they're attracted to confidence. But its not that you can't learn confidence. You just gotta have a reason to believe in yourself. Not only that but if you start writing or playing music or doing anything more than video games, you'll have something to talk to people about. I love music and whenever a conversation gets akward I just say, "So what kind of music do you like?", "What was the last show you went to?". That sort of thing. . So, I pretend I'm Conan O Brien or David Letterman. I interview people. Just ask people questions about themselves. You'd be surprised how much people want to talk about themselves. So if you're akward in social situations with girls just ask and listen, then ask followup questions about what they said.

Also, the food you eat probably makes you feel bad. The sugars and fats give you an endorphin rush but then theres the let down and the depressing part. This is the cycle of fast food. Sometimes we dont realize that our bodies are like machines. If you put bad fuel in you're gonna get bad performance. Find a job where you dont have to be face to face with people. When you're depressed its hard to "fake it" like corporate employers want us to do.

Good luck my friend. Theres friends and girls out there for you. Find some buddies to smoke and play video games with you. You'll make friends with their friends and connect with people. Every journey begins with a single step.

reply to post by religiousmurder


Why suffer? Go on a dating site. I will guarantee you are sitting around staring at beautiful women all day who won't have anything to do with you... So yeah that would be depressing.

You know all those girls/women YOU are not paying any attention to? The one's who feel shy around you.. the one's that pay attention to you? Those one's. Focus on them. It's all in your head. You make women unattainable and then focus on them. Force yourself to pay attention to one's you feel comfortable around.

You are young. Save money for a plane ticket and go to India or Guatemala or Thailand etc... Just go. It will be the best thing you've ever done in your life. Force yourself. Call it a spiritual sabbatical.

I'm sorry to hear that. I had a shy phase too, despite being exceptionally handsome.
There are various things you can do to break free from your comfortzone.

This is your ressurection plan. Sounds funny but I'm serious:

- Get wasted (not at home). And start talking to people. Do this on a regular basis.
- Get hookers. Until you lose all respect for the opposite sex.
- Go abroad (Thailand for instance) and # around.

All this should be sufficiant to overcome you anxiety. Once you realize that noone is worth more than you, you will be fine.

Your job shouldn't be a problem anyway, just lie through your teeth like everyone does.

Hi,

What you have written in this thread has taken great courage. From the thread that you have written, the wording that you have used is of a person with intellect and I fully understand where you are at, especially with your depression...

I have suffered with depression for more than 15 years. The biggest component to my depression is a very rare health condition called Acromegaly, which was diagnosed in 2007. No matter what drugs I take, legal or illegal, they do not take away the pain and darkness of depression and mood swings that haunt me continuously.

This condition has ruined my personal relationships with girlfriends and an ex-wife and child. I do not know how I am going to awake from one day to the next, some days are worse than others. Some days I cannot even go outside, sometimes I cannot talk, some days I just cry until my soul and heart hurts and death seems the only answer away from the ongoing misery. This condition I have affects around 1 in a million people on earth, although more people globally are now being detected. So much is unknown about the condition and no medical practitioner really knows what to do with the mental side of it.

I thought that after having two brain operations to remove the tumor from my peturitary gland and weeks of radiation therapy, all the horrible depression would be released, but I was so wrong. All that surgery meant was that I would live on after the age of 43, when most Acromegaly sufferers who don't get diagnosed, die.

But there I believe that there are answers to your position and reasons as to why you have depression and feel the way that you do from day to day....

I firmly believe that you should go and seek counselling and talk to a counsellor. Counselling has no effect with me due to my health condition, but I have worked within advice and counselling agencies now for the last 17 years and I can truly state that counselling does work if you give it time. To talk to a counsellor is having the ability to be open up to a trained person who is impartial and will listen to whatever it is that is bothering you which will enable you to reflect on what you have said in order to make changes within your life. I am not saying that these changes will happen immediately, but over time the darkness will gradually disappear. Over the years I have witnessed many people at their lowest ebb who have had counselling and the results have been amazing.

I urge you to seek out a counselling agency, if you look around there are counselling services that even offer a free service.

I understand how you feel from day to day, some days are worse than others and you just cannot understand why you are in the position that you are in, especially when you see others around you who are so happy....

But please take my advice of counselling and give it a try. At the end of the day, what have you got to lose?

All the best to you my friend.....

Dave....

Here's my advice.

Take care of yourself first. You don't need a partner to validate you.

Find a way to get more education. If that can't be done while working on a variable shift at fast-food, find another place to work. Generally a call-center is the best place since you'll have shift work, it's pays ok, and they may even have a tuition reimbursement option.

Also, call centers are a decent way to learn to talk to females. Not on the phone. In real life.

If you don't think you can, then you're wrong. I did it. I went to school during the day and worked in the evening. I took out student loans. Do it.

NOTE: If the video games or weed is more important to you, you'll never get out of the cycle.

SECOND NOTE: If you get an education and a career, you can buy more video games and weed.

I was where you are. Now I have a wife, kids, cars, house, money in the bank and beer on tap.

I fear that you and I are doppelgangers haha. I can relate to most if not all of what you said. Nowadays I just sit in my room and sulk away at this meager existence. I hope life gets better for you though!

Oh man youre not the only one , i have similar issues , i have been shy as #!! I am 21 yrs old and im still shy , ive had a couple of bfs and even with them ive been shy , i have no job or anything i really dont wanna live and i dont look foward to the future , it depresses me , at least you jave a house i get to sleep somewhere crowded , and at least you can find a job i cant ( and for the acne, try dessert essence tea tree oil ot works so well . i hope things get better for you

reply to post by religiousmurder


Try going into the truck driving industry, way better pay and the work is as easy as stepping on an accelerator.
Part of the problem you may be having problems with women is that by being love sick, you give off a vibe of desperation that sends women running away. Women don't like a guy that is desperate, clingy or needy and especially depressing. Show interest, but don't go falling head over heels and all crazy like. Women don't want a man they can whip and a guy that will do everything they ask, they like a guy who can stand his ground and set rules and say No and stick to his guns when he means it.

Youre going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle, namely your job. You should go to college if you can, This may sound stereotypical but it is true more often than not. Women are attracted to a man who can provide financial security and stability as well as emotion security and stability.

It couldn't hurt to find a church to go to and find the Lord. God (Jesus) loves the broken hearted and he will show you mercy. Get saved, and focus on Him, and everything else will fall into place. God has a plan for you but you have to give him time to bring it to fruition, he doesn't just snap his fingers and magically create a life for you, he takes his time which alot of people just arent willing to give him. Put the Lord first and foremost and all things will fall into place.

Peace and goodwill.

My life isn't too great right now either, but I try to remain as positive as possible about everything that happens. As for the apocalyptic future I'm more looking toward Ascension. It's another 2012 theory except that it's way more positive.

"The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy that you can contain."

Keep this quote in mind, it may serve you will. You may be extremely depressed no, but if you have hope for the future imagine how much you will appreciate being happy. That's what keeps me going when times are rough.

reply to post by religiousmurder


My father told me a lot of things growing up...gave me a lot of advice that I did not take, and most everything he said went in one ear and out the other. But the one thing he did say got me through many perils in my life. THIS TOO, SHALL PASS. And it does. This helpless, hopeless feeling that you feel right now WILL eventually go away. It seems that you have a problem you need to solve. So go to your problem solving skills.

1- Identify your problem. What is it you want/ what would make you truly happy?

It seems to me that you have this step complete. A- You want companionship. B- You want a different job. Let's call them Goal A and Goal B.

2- Identify the obstacles that are keeping you from getting what you want.

This step has been addressed as well. You are painfully shy. But I think you are missing the real obstacle here: Your confidence level. You seem to have no confidence in yourself at all.

3- Figure out possible solutions.

Well, being shy is your personality. Most likely can't be changed. I think this is where the process has stopped for you. True, you might not be able to change your personality, but your confidence level really sucks. This can be changed. You just need some time and to work towards something positive. As things fall into place, the confidence will come. But first, you need to stop focusing on the past, and quit putting numbers on things!! "I was 24 when I got my first kiss...I am 27 now...I have been in this rut for 15 years...I have been on this many dates...I have had sex this many times...etc.." None of that matters, so why waste your precious energy on reflecting on it? Move Forward!!

From what you said, Goal A seems to be effected by Goal B. You want companionship, but you are never going to accomplish that if you have no confidence in yourself. You are embarrassed to tell people where you work. This is not a confidence booster. So let's get you some confidence and work on Goal B. You need to find another job. Or perhaps enroll in college. Take a few classes. It is a great way to meet people and puts you into situations where you are forced to socialize. This may get you on the right track to overcoming a bit of your shyness, at least enough for Goal A. If that freaks you out too much try enrolling into school online or something. Either way it will open new paths to employment.

Now for Goal A. You are a technology baby. You were born into an era where technology rules all. Embrace it!! You don't have to go to bars or social clubs or church to meet Ms. Right anymore. More successful relationships are built online nowadays. We have computers to help get you through the compatibility phase before you even meet. Try E-Harmony or something. This way you can talk online first and then on the phone, before you even have to meet face to face.

Take charge. Right now you sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. You are a human. You are made up of flesh, energy, thoughts, and feelings just like any other human. The only thing that can stand in your way of any goal you can think up is you. Get out of your own way and do what you know needs to be done to achieve happiness.

And just an afterthought...Sometimes the world seems to crash around you and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Lights don't turn themselves on. YOU must find the light switch. Ending it all is never an option. It hurts people around you, and doesn't fix your problem. Things are never as bad as they seem. Hang in there. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. One day you will look back at this time in your life and say "Wow...what was I thinking?" But for now, go find your light...

reply to post by religiousmurder


You said you had great taste in music. Why not go to a concert or even a smaller set and find some people who share similiar interests? Have a few beers, dance do whatever you feel like doing. Forget about being shy, your job or anything else negatively affecting you. Just live in the moment if a girl rejects you let it be theres plenty o fish in the sea!

All you have to do, is realize one thing, and your spiritual experiences should have told you this.

There is no such thing as the past.

There is no such thing as the future.

There's here and now, and what you do with your life, from this moment forward.

Let go of the past.

Let go of the future.

Realize what you have to do, in this moment, and do it.

Originally posted by deadmessiah
Well, I can tell you one thing for sure - find a different job. The fast food industry is one of the worst places to work on earth.

On the personal level, you know the food you're serving is pure crap. You're serving it to a herd of animals that are merely attempting to get a "food high" from it, not to actually nourish their bodies. Your customers are probably the exact type of people you despise. You actually hate them for coming to your place of work to eat.

True enough?

Things are what u make of it. My girlfriend started at subway just over 3 years ago, and now she is a store manager making around 3,000 a month after taxes w/bonuses. That aint too bad for fast food if you ask me. She dreaded working there at first, then it got better.

Originally posted by xxshadowfaxx
All you have to do, is realize one thing, and your spiritual experiences should have told you this.

There is no such thing as the past.

There is no such thing as the future.

There's here and now, and what you do with your life, from this moment forward.

Let go of the past.

Let go of the future.

Realize what you have to do, in this moment, and do it.

I was going to post another bit of advice here for you but ya, what xxShadowfaxx said.
realize what you have to do in the moment and do it. Think of it this way. You don't have it as bad as a 10 year old starving child living in a war torn third world country so stop the self pitty and get on with it.

DONT KILL YOURSELF!!!

you never can know just how many people love you, there are so many. i can say that without even knowing you because it is true for all of us, no matter what we look like, what our personality is like, there are always people that we appeal to on some level that keep us in their minds. not only how many people love you, but even look up to you. one of my best friends killed himself earlier in the year and i was heartbroken, along with everyone else who had known him. when you take your life you may think that it will make things better but it won't it will only leave a trail of sadness and suffering.

suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

don't give up on your life. i guarantee you that years from now, you will be looking back on this laughing. looking back on when you were afraid to talk to girls and this and that, because in reality there is nothing to be afraid of. its really easy to be freaked out and insecure concerning the outcomes that we cannot control, but you have to just let go. you have to go up and say hello to the girl that you like, even if you don't know what to say after it, even if you are left standing there like a dumb not able to say anything else, even if that happens, you will feel empowered. that i can guarantee you. whatever it is that you want to change, don't give up, you have to fight hard.

life is fighting.

i know that you have taken a deep spiritual journey throughout the years now its time to turn from the inward journey to the outward journey. take what you have learned and live your life! don't get lost in the deep depths of thought, or you will drown.

when you are sad, its kind of like being hungry IMO. if you are hungry, what do you do? you eat! but if you don't? how do you feel? the hunger gets worse right? until you can't stand it. being depressed is exactly the same way, when you feel depressed, you have to be active in changing that feeling, you have to feed yourself so to speak, by doing something that you enjoy.

the last thing that i will leave you with is a note on meditation. currently i am living in bangkok, thailand. i've been here for about 2 years now, and the national religion is Buddhism. so i hear and see a lot about meditation here. in the meditation process, a lot of times the person meditating will practice mantras, some say to align your chakras, or to this or that. but i think its for a different reason. you see, the biggest problem of human beings these days is that their minds and bodies are pulling and fighting against each other. your body is doing one thing, but your mind is somewhere else. your body tells your mind where it wants to be, happy, excited, etc. but the mind doesn't always want to listen. where am i going with this? okay here it is. in the most basic form of meditation, we have a mantra for breathing in, and breathing out. the most popular one here is 'bud' breathing in, and then 'dho' breathing out, which we repeat silently to ourselves. and what we are told to do by practicing monks, is if we find our mind somewhere else suddenly, such as our problems, or something random like we should take a shower, we have to go back to the original though, 'bud' 'dho'. every time that our mind wanders we must do this. and we don't have to do it sitting in the half lotus or full lotus or w/e we can do it when we are walking down the street or doing anything. the point is your mind is always running away from you, they compare it to a monkey here, and you have to train your mind, meditation does this for you. it allows you to train your mind so that it follows the instruction of your body, now you can see the significance of the inbreath and the outbreath. i'm sure i will get flamed for this by so called 'experts' but please trust me about this, i have talked with monks, i have talked with many a thai person as well who practice this. also, there is one mantra of the Budda that is a super long one, and they teach here that if we can recite this wholly during our meditation, then we are so much closer to enlightenment, its for the same reason, if you can keep your mind on it without fail, then you are in command of your mind. the more you practice like this the better you will be, and soon there will be no more questioning yourself, your body and your mind will be one. please listen to me, i have firsthand experience.

sorry for the super long post, i just want to help.

if you have any questions or you would like to talk sometime, you can send me a pm and i'll send you my email
take care brother and be strong!!!!!!!

reply to post by religiousmurder

I think everyone at one point or another knows what it feels like to be alone, but usually we take for granted that we're simply trying to fill some hole that's not capable of filling. Even when all the things you want begin to materialize. The emptiness still exists. The girl who you once thought was beautiful and the most wonderful thing you could have ever hoped for becomes less tantalizing and burdensome. The good paying respectable job becomes tedious and you want nothing more than to find something different or to retire somewhere quiet. Even the money itself becomes a crook. Holding you in place just to keep up new habits. This leaves you back in that same position of feeling a void. There's a bigger problem and it has a name.

reply to post by religiousmurder


Hey RM,

Keep meditating and pursuing the spiritual and metaphysical...(you are 'waking up' to other ways of thinking and feeling...and that can certainly confuse the living heck out of anyone) and you will discover that the key to self-love is self-acceptance. We all attend 'Karmic/Cosmic school' here and therefore, as students, none of us is perfect and were never intended to be. So anything you might feel guilty about or lacking is actually part of your path...and a lot of folks have felt the same way you do now, especially when they were around your age (I did). So just accept yourself as you are and maybe see a therapist (no offense, but it helps)...or someone you can talk to without fear of 'leakage' or judgement.

Many people are shy (I was) and don't connect with anyone for years...my own son is your age and is having the identical issues. He is painfully shy and by his own admission, finds it difficult if not impossible to talk to women, let alone make an approach or date. He wants nothing more than to settle down, but it is obviously not his time yet -- neither is it yours...but it will come. It will. It always does, and usually when you are not looking for it. (I can't help but wonder if you have checked out 'indigo kids'...might be worth your while.)

I agree with another poster -- get out of that job!! It is sucking the life out of you -- there must be something else you can do -- even cutting lawns is preferable to feeling sick just at the thought of going to work (again, been there)...talk about depressing!

And get that damn gun out of your house or have whomever owns it (if that is not you) put it somewhere safely locked up. That is not an option: you are here to learn some lessons and that is not one of them.

Your time for love will come. Just remember that. In the meanwhile, treat yourself like you would treat you own best buddy.

Good luck to you and never surrender to the negative.

ps i would S&F you for your honesty, but I can't yet. Just a newbie.

Namaste.
GI

reply to post by religiousmurder

You Gotta Live the Life you Love and Love the Life you Live !

I would say first is to not be so hard on yourself.

Everything works in cycles and things will change for the better you just have to hang in there.

If you don't like your job then do something to change it.

If you don't like being alone then do something to change it !

I worked in Baytown TX for EXXON and I know what great food they have down there !!

Try finding a job at a real restaurant that serves real food now that you have some experience in the restaurant industry to build off of.

At least if you worked at a real restaurant you could get some REAL food and begin improving your diet. Perhaps even exchanging a portion of your wages for meals as an incentive to hiring you perhaps ?

Start asking around at some restaurants that you'd like to dine at....you have nothing to lose by asking.
Even volunteer to work for free for a week or so to get your foot in the door.

Focus on the positives in your life, the things that make you happy, such as the meditation, music and even the bicycles and focus on finding others that share your interests.

I am a cycling fan as well and...
I used that experience to get a part time job at a bike shop where I sold bikes to.....women cyclists !!
It was great ~~!
You met these great healthy and relaxed women from their regular exercise, who also loved their bikes and loved to ride !

Ask them their favorite places to ride and how you'll have to try it yourself.
And perhaps you'll see them there sometime....


Most of all focus on the positives in your life and not the negatives.
And as the old Lyell Lovett song goes...

You Gotta Live the Life you Love and Love the Life you Live




PEACE

We have all been down that place where doors start to shut and so know what you are going through. I do feel your pain and hence hope the following will help:

- Firstly completely cut out the weed as a side effect, I believe it could be adding to your feeling of depression

- Secondly, so what you have not had a girlfriend yet - I only ever had 3 and my last I married [and have been happily married for over 20 years now]. Point is, it is not about volume it is about quality, you only need one girlfriend and everything can click into place.

- I agree about the way that women see men - there is far more about the confidence factor rather than the pure looks (otherwise a hunch back like me would not have got anywhere). It seems to me that approx. 10% of blokes can have any woman and the rest of us - well it depends on what we smell like and how much we remind them of their dads. You seem quite attuned to your feelings - which will be a big plus.

- Also be aware, that at 27 the dating game will be a little different with qualities for men and women changing a little from 18.

- Lastly - and if you ignore the rest, please give credence to this -do some voluntary work on a subject that lights your candle e.g. Help out at Scouts or your local school. This will give you back the self respect that you have [but have temporarily hidden], could give you a network of people to join/talk to so that you don't feel isolated and you never know, may give you an opening to meet that right person.

- Hope everything works out for you

All I can say is never give up, I didnt touch a female for over 3 years, then at the age of 28 I met an 18 year old girl where I was working at the time that just seemed to think the sun shined out my but crack, and have been married to her for over 7 years, be confident as others say, think of those who have it much worse than yourself as a little reality check, I know its easier said than done but believe me now at my age I feel my body and looks slowly deteriorating(along with my hair-line lol), I can wake up with little pains and now have tinnitus(permanent ringing in the ears) and I look back at when I didnt have any pain or any ringing in the ears and think 'oh gees how I took it all for granted'. I think most importantly is to have a laugh, laugh at yourself sometimes, instead of getting depressed sit back and say 'hey wtf am I doing, snap out of it, I'm not stupid, I'm not the ugliest man alive, and I'm healthy and able to work, cheer up and use what you can while you can'. I think women also like to see that a man can have a laugh at himself, admit your faults without going all 'emo'. Oh and get off the pot, also been there done that, not only is it not good for your brain-cells it messes with your emotions, make sure you are ready to fill that void that the pot is taking up at the moment with something more fullfiling, whether its a sport, a hobby, whatever(you could learn to cook well, another thing women like).

I dont want to preach too much, but I think I'd be a hypocrite if I didnt say that a belief in GOD is what keeps my energy levels up at times. I'd probably be pretty depressed too if I thought I was going to have to go through this test that is life again. All the best.