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Confessions Of A Dark Sorceror
page: 19share:
Most of what you write intrigues
However, at this stage of of your "enlightenment", you seem to be self absorbed in yourself. As a self proclaimed prophet, you seem to be more inclined to use words and analogies that most poeple do not use in normal speach. This, in itself leaves alot to interpretation, making you seem like an egotistical wanne-be Nostrodamus.
Now, as a simple person, I may be missing the entire point, but if that is the case, could you perhaps be more specific in your prophesies, and enlighten the
less " intelucually (I can't spell that!) proficient".
I look foreward to seeing your new thread on Yoshiel. Maybe I can understand some of it.
I am also going through some sort of transition, and am struggleling(sp?) to understand it.. Your thread is helping me a bit( The parts I understand)
I am a big John Titor follower, although even some of that is above me. However your thread is keeping interested, to say the least.
I sense that everything you write, is well thought out, yet, could I ask, are you aware of the significance of the info you put out, for what of another word.
Please excuse my spelling, I don't know how to use the spell check.
Brad
However, at this stage of of your "enlightenment", you seem to be self absorbed in yourself. As a self proclaimed prophet, you seem to be more inclined to use words and analogies that most poeple do not use in normal speach. This, in itself leaves alot to interpretation, making you seem like an egotistical wanne-be Nostrodamus.
Now, as a simple person, I may be missing the entire point, but if that is the case, could you perhaps be more specific in your prophesies, and enlighten the
less " intelucually (I can't spell that!) proficient".
I look foreward to seeing your new thread on Yoshiel. Maybe I can understand some of it.
I am also going through some sort of transition, and am struggleling(sp?) to understand it.. Your thread is helping me a bit( The parts I understand)
I am a big John Titor follower, although even some of that is above me. However your thread is keeping interested, to say the least.
I sense that everything you write, is well thought out, yet, could I ask, are you aware of the significance of the info you put out, for what of another word.
Please excuse my spelling, I don't know how to use the spell check.
Brad
Just saw your thread prophesy thread.
Prophesy = possibility
Prediction = fact
Is this correct?
Brad
Prophesy = possibility
Prediction = fact
Is this correct?
Brad
Ego Beaver
bjamison, I find myself nodding in agreement in many places as I read your observations.
I must certainly admit that, in the flush of my excitement upon realizing that I might actually really be a prophet, I have managed to come across as an arrogant, self-centered, pompous, egotistical jackaninny (the BB code censors wouldn�t let me use my original term, but it was similar to �jackaninny�). I�m sure others could add color to that, but let�s not belabor the point.
I find myself constantly drifting across the razor-thin line between false pride and false modesty. Each is a form of vanity, but the middle ground between them, if indeed there really is any, seems unattainable to me.
This all shows up as a recurring pattern of �Jeckyl and Hyde� in my writing, and I�m sure that somewhere out there is a psychology student who would consider me to be a walking, talking doctoral thesis on two legs.
Ultimately, what all this indicates is a need for better self-understanding on my part. It is a symptom of my blindness to myself.
I can say that I am extremely grateful to all of you who have given me candid feedback throughout this process. You are my mentors, without whom I have no idea of where I would otherwise be, but I am sure it would not be a pleasant place.
Thank you so much for your guidance, and please keep it coming!
Prophetorial Indiscretions
The problem with being in the �mental space� I am in right now should be apparent. I am either someone who has discovered something important by looking within, or a delusional psychotic trapped in a mental prison of my own making, or more likely, both.
If I am a �true prophet�, then I should be confident in my work, but humbled by the fact that my �insights� are not really mine, but all of ours.
If I am a �false prophet�, then I should presumably be no different from a �true prophet�. The main difference is that my prophecies will not come true, and my message will be false and not truly �divinely inspired�.
The paradox is that both kinds of prophets seem to operate the same way. Whatever the premise, a prophet �sees� things that others presumably cannot see. Thus the only thing I am certain all prophets have in common is that we are all gullible fool, thinking ourselves knowing of that which cannot be known.
How can I know if I am a �true prophet� or a �false prophet�? I cannot!
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don�t
The ultimate source for all prophets is the same: from within. Whether the Voice of God in our minds or the voices of our own delusions, or insanity, or of demonic spirits, the truth is, as far as I can tell, there is really no way a prophet can know.
Rather, the best test I know of is that others look at the �fruit of the tree�, and judge accordingly. Prophets of Darkness bring words of Darkness. Prophets of Light Bring words of Light.
Which one am I? I cannot say. I know myself to be deceived somehow, but I cannot know the manner of it. Perhaps my message of hope is itself a deception to steer my brothers and sisters from true salvation, a way of lulling us all into false hope when the truth may be more dark. Or perhaps I am right.
How can any of us truly know?
The Joke�s On Who?
While the irony of my situation is by no means lost on me, I am certain that I also do not comprehend it fully. Thus I am forced to rely on the forbearance and discernment of my readers, acknowledge my obvious weaknesses and illusions with respect to myself, but trudge on anyway, since this seems to be my job, if that�s the right word for it.
Remember, of all my ramblings, the bottom line is that which lies within each of us. I leave it to you to decide if my words are worth reading or not. If they help lead you into Darkness, I would feel sorrow, but if they may help lead you into Light, then I would be glad.
As always, I recommend choosing the path that seems right to you.
Majic
P.S. It is my opinion, if not knowledge, that John Titor is a clever -- gifted even -- fraud. But this is due to my own belief that the time travel he described and motives for it do not make sense. I don�t truly know one way or the other, it�s just an opinion (ooh, am I jealous of competition, perhaps? ). And remember, for all I know, I�m a fraud, too. Please never forget that!
P.P.S. As for prophecy versus prediction, I recommend treating neither of them as �fact�. I am coming to find the Truth to be far more elusive than I could have ever imagined. Even my �guaranteed� prophecies are only that because I see them to be self-fulfilling, arrogant little twit that I am. Look within, and be skeptical of everything, especially illusions masquerading as �fact�!
Now, I really need to go outside and play! -M
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
bjamison, I find myself nodding in agreement in many places as I read your observations.
I must certainly admit that, in the flush of my excitement upon realizing that I might actually really be a prophet, I have managed to come across as an arrogant, self-centered, pompous, egotistical jackaninny (the BB code censors wouldn�t let me use my original term, but it was similar to �jackaninny�). I�m sure others could add color to that, but let�s not belabor the point.
I find myself constantly drifting across the razor-thin line between false pride and false modesty. Each is a form of vanity, but the middle ground between them, if indeed there really is any, seems unattainable to me.
This all shows up as a recurring pattern of �Jeckyl and Hyde� in my writing, and I�m sure that somewhere out there is a psychology student who would consider me to be a walking, talking doctoral thesis on two legs.
Ultimately, what all this indicates is a need for better self-understanding on my part. It is a symptom of my blindness to myself.
I can say that I am extremely grateful to all of you who have given me candid feedback throughout this process. You are my mentors, without whom I have no idea of where I would otherwise be, but I am sure it would not be a pleasant place.
Thank you so much for your guidance, and please keep it coming!
Prophetorial Indiscretions
The problem with being in the �mental space� I am in right now should be apparent. I am either someone who has discovered something important by looking within, or a delusional psychotic trapped in a mental prison of my own making, or more likely, both.
If I am a �true prophet�, then I should be confident in my work, but humbled by the fact that my �insights� are not really mine, but all of ours.
If I am a �false prophet�, then I should presumably be no different from a �true prophet�. The main difference is that my prophecies will not come true, and my message will be false and not truly �divinely inspired�.
The paradox is that both kinds of prophets seem to operate the same way. Whatever the premise, a prophet �sees� things that others presumably cannot see. Thus the only thing I am certain all prophets have in common is that we are all gullible fool, thinking ourselves knowing of that which cannot be known.
How can I know if I am a �true prophet� or a �false prophet�? I cannot!
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don�t
The ultimate source for all prophets is the same: from within. Whether the Voice of God in our minds or the voices of our own delusions, or insanity, or of demonic spirits, the truth is, as far as I can tell, there is really no way a prophet can know.
Rather, the best test I know of is that others look at the �fruit of the tree�, and judge accordingly. Prophets of Darkness bring words of Darkness. Prophets of Light Bring words of Light.
Which one am I? I cannot say. I know myself to be deceived somehow, but I cannot know the manner of it. Perhaps my message of hope is itself a deception to steer my brothers and sisters from true salvation, a way of lulling us all into false hope when the truth may be more dark. Or perhaps I am right.
How can any of us truly know?
The Joke�s On Who?
While the irony of my situation is by no means lost on me, I am certain that I also do not comprehend it fully. Thus I am forced to rely on the forbearance and discernment of my readers, acknowledge my obvious weaknesses and illusions with respect to myself, but trudge on anyway, since this seems to be my job, if that�s the right word for it.
Remember, of all my ramblings, the bottom line is that which lies within each of us. I leave it to you to decide if my words are worth reading or not. If they help lead you into Darkness, I would feel sorrow, but if they may help lead you into Light, then I would be glad.
As always, I recommend choosing the path that seems right to you.
Majic
P.S. It is my opinion, if not knowledge, that John Titor is a clever -- gifted even -- fraud. But this is due to my own belief that the time travel he described and motives for it do not make sense. I don�t truly know one way or the other, it�s just an opinion (ooh, am I jealous of competition, perhaps? ). And remember, for all I know, I�m a fraud, too. Please never forget that!
P.P.S. As for prophecy versus prediction, I recommend treating neither of them as �fact�. I am coming to find the Truth to be far more elusive than I could have ever imagined. Even my �guaranteed� prophecies are only that because I see them to be self-fulfilling, arrogant little twit that I am. Look within, and be skeptical of everything, especially illusions masquerading as �fact�!
Now, I really need to go outside and play! -M
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
Maj (if I may call you that)
Since I have started reading your, as responses to your, threads, I have been going through a strange turmoil.
Whether you are geniune are not, makes no difference to me. I have managed to break through some mental barriers that I have had and I somehow believe that it has something to do with your wierd and wonderful threads.
Although I have not gone through the amazing experiences you have gone through, during the last couple of weeks\days ( I have lost track), I have gone through some simple sort of metamorphis, which I am battling to come to terms with.
It has unfortunately had an adverse affect on my productivity as a working man, but thank God, my wife is understanding.
Keep up the good work. er..........I'm normally only online on week-ends, so keep the good stuff until then....lol (No I'm not a selfish SOB......I think)
Namaste
Brad
Since I have started reading your, as responses to your, threads, I have been going through a strange turmoil.
Whether you are geniune are not, makes no difference to me. I have managed to break through some mental barriers that I have had and I somehow believe that it has something to do with your wierd and wonderful threads.
Although I have not gone through the amazing experiences you have gone through, during the last couple of weeks\days ( I have lost track), I have gone through some simple sort of metamorphis, which I am battling to come to terms with.
It has unfortunately had an adverse affect on my productivity as a working man, but thank God, my wife is understanding.
Keep up the good work. er..........I'm normally only online on week-ends, so keep the good stuff until then....lol (No I'm not a selfish SOB......I think)
Namaste
Brad
i been popping in and out for the last few days hoping to reach the end of this thread,and now i have i have to confirm that you definatly are as mad
has an outhouse rat mate.
top thread though mate top thread.
arp if you still around or anyone for that matter who has A D D,have a look at omega 3 supplements and see what it says.
top thread though mate top thread.
arp if you still around or anyone for that matter who has A D D,have a look at omega 3 supplements and see what it says.
You Can Call Me Ray�
You can call me anything you like, as long as you don�t call me late for dinner.
Your observations are music to my eyes, for what it�s worth. There is kinship here, wherever your path leads, and I would seek to know it better.
Please bear with me as I work line by line through your words, which truly touch and inspire me, and let�s have a look�
The Inner Struggle
That makes at least two of us. If I am somehow coming across as �down� with all this, it is a terrible deception! Though I am happier than I have ever been, I still feel lost and leaderless. Perhaps that is the point?
The Light Through The Darkness
I will not lie to you my friend, these words literally bring tears of joy to my eyes! It is not within my ability to explain, but thank you. Thank you so much!
Victory Within
Again, I am both elated and humbled. It is not my place to tell you what to think, but to challenge you to do so. Though life with its many intrusions may seem to dominate us, I say we should choose instead to dominate life!
I sense that you are near, my brother!
The Price Of Victory
Nothing worth achieving is not worth fighting for. While I do not know all, I sense that you are on the right track. Follow it!
She From Whom No Secrets Need Be Kept
First, we all have highs and lows in objective productivity. If your manager cannot understand this, find a new manager.
Second, it sounds like your wife is the right one for you. If she understands this, then she most assuredly understands more than you may suspect. I recommend you go to her with your turmoil, and confide your thoughts.
Do not feel you need to hide your inner darkness from her. Share yourself, and she will share herself. There is no deeper love than this!
Take my word for it: what you think you may know about women is probably entirely wrong. A woman�s heart has capacity for mercy like the heart of no other. Open your heart to her, and she will have no choice but to love you and open her heart to you. In this sharing, there is bliss unsurpassed.
Prophet that I am, I predict that this will take you both where you may have never dreamed of going. Rejoice, and delight in the knowledge of one another!
The Virtue Of Selfishness
Whether this is good work or ill, I must admit I do not know. But I am trying, and working on it as best I can.
As for being selfish, I prefer Ambrose Bierce�s definition of the word: �selfish: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.�
Tormented though Brother Ambrose may have been, he was nonetheless a great sage.
Brother Brad, your words bring joy to me. Keep looking, within you lies greater beauty than words can express!
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
Originally posted by bjamison
Maj (if I may call you that)
You can call me anything you like, as long as you don�t call me late for dinner.
Your observations are music to my eyes, for what it�s worth. There is kinship here, wherever your path leads, and I would seek to know it better.
Please bear with me as I work line by line through your words, which truly touch and inspire me, and let�s have a look�
The Inner Struggle
Originally posted by bjamison
Since I have started reading your, as responses to your, threads, I have been going through a strange turmoil.
That makes at least two of us. If I am somehow coming across as �down� with all this, it is a terrible deception! Though I am happier than I have ever been, I still feel lost and leaderless. Perhaps that is the point?
The Light Through The Darkness
Originally posted by bjamison
Whether you are geniune are not, makes no difference to me.
I will not lie to you my friend, these words literally bring tears of joy to my eyes! It is not within my ability to explain, but thank you. Thank you so much!
Victory Within
Originally posted by bjamison
I have managed to break through some mental barriers that I have had and I somehow believe that it has something to do with your wierd and wonderful threads.
Again, I am both elated and humbled. It is not my place to tell you what to think, but to challenge you to do so. Though life with its many intrusions may seem to dominate us, I say we should choose instead to dominate life!
I sense that you are near, my brother!
The Price Of Victory
Originally posted by bjamison
Although I have not gone through the amazing experiences you have gone through, during the last couple of weeks\days ( I have lost track), I have gone through some simple sort of metamorphis, which I am battling to come to terms with.
Nothing worth achieving is not worth fighting for. While I do not know all, I sense that you are on the right track. Follow it!
She From Whom No Secrets Need Be Kept
Originally posted by bjamison
It has unfortunately had an adverse affect on my productivity as a working man, but thank God, my wife is understanding.
First, we all have highs and lows in objective productivity. If your manager cannot understand this, find a new manager.
Second, it sounds like your wife is the right one for you. If she understands this, then she most assuredly understands more than you may suspect. I recommend you go to her with your turmoil, and confide your thoughts.
Do not feel you need to hide your inner darkness from her. Share yourself, and she will share herself. There is no deeper love than this!
Take my word for it: what you think you may know about women is probably entirely wrong. A woman�s heart has capacity for mercy like the heart of no other. Open your heart to her, and she will have no choice but to love you and open her heart to you. In this sharing, there is bliss unsurpassed.
Prophet that I am, I predict that this will take you both where you may have never dreamed of going. Rejoice, and delight in the knowledge of one another!
The Virtue Of Selfishness
Originally posted by bjamison
Keep up the good work. er..........I'm normally only online on week-ends, so keep the good stuff until then....lol (No I'm not a selfish SOB......I think)
Whether this is good work or ill, I must admit I do not know. But I am trying, and working on it as best I can.
As for being selfish, I prefer Ambrose Bierce�s definition of the word: �selfish: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.�
Tormented though Brother Ambrose may have been, he was nonetheless a great sage.
Brother Brad, your words bring joy to me. Keep looking, within you lies greater beauty than words can express!
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
King Rat
Tell me something I don�t know!
Then again, show me a sane prophet, and I�ll show you a false prophet.
Quality Is Our Most Important Product
As the sign above the urinal saith: �We aim to please. Please aim too, please!�
Something�s Fishy
It�s only a theory, but I suspect that descendants of fishing people, such as Inuit, Scandinavians, Japanese, Polynesians and so forth, are probably �deficient� in the nutrients that fish oil provide if they aren�t eating lots of fish.
Aside from heart health benefits, fish oil and the Omega 3 fatty acids it contains have repeatedly been shown in clinical tests to have benefits for mental health, as well.
Feeling down? Pop some fish oil! But beware, ramp up and take it with food. Fish oil reflux is majorly groady, dude!
Originally posted by squintingcat
i been popping in and out for the last few days hoping to reach the end of this thread,and now i have i have to confirm that you definatly are as mad has an outhouse rat mate.
Tell me something I don�t know!
Then again, show me a sane prophet, and I�ll show you a false prophet.
Quality Is Our Most Important Product
Originally posted by squintingcat
top thread though mate top thread.
As the sign above the urinal saith: �We aim to please. Please aim too, please!�
Something�s Fishy
Originally posted by squintingcat
arp if you still around or anyone for that matter who has A D D,have a look at omega 3 supplements and see what it says.
It�s only a theory, but I suspect that descendants of fishing people, such as Inuit, Scandinavians, Japanese, Polynesians and so forth, are probably �deficient� in the nutrients that fish oil provide if they aren�t eating lots of fish.
Aside from heart health benefits, fish oil and the Omega 3 fatty acids it contains have repeatedly been shown in clinical tests to have benefits for mental health, as well.
Feeling down? Pop some fish oil! But beware, ramp up and take it with food. Fish oil reflux is majorly groady, dude!
The Group: Yes
The Album: Magnification
The Song: In the Presence of (all movements)
Hear this song, and you will know my thoughts at this time of my life as best as they can be known.
There are no coincidences, my dearest brothers and sisters. It is possible to sing of the soul. This has indeed already been done far better than I may hope to do.
Majic
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
The Album: Magnification
The Song: In the Presence of (all movements)
Hear this song, and you will know my thoughts at this time of my life as best as they can be known.
There are no coincidences, my dearest brothers and sisters. It is possible to sing of the soul. This has indeed already been done far better than I may hope to do.
Majic
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
Gone Shootin�
One of my hobbies is sport shooting. I don�t really like to shoot animals, and have never had a hunting license, but that has not stopped me from shooting the occasional chipmunk, jackrabbit or� dove.
Ultimately, I find the thrill of the chase to be outweighed by the remorse of the kill, and since my storied killing of the mother dove, I have resolved to kill no more, save if chance should find me needing to hunt animals for their meat, or in self-defense. Whether or not a chipmunk might be able to take me out, I do not know, but I am mindful of the lessons learned in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Much like the fisherman who has �gone fishin� without the benefit of baiting a hook, it is not unusual for me to be �gone shootin� without bothering myself to actually fire any shots. Today was an example of such a day.
Beauty Or Beast?
References by others in this thread to the �hermetic pattern� are not lost on me. Indeed, it seems that many other men my age have been down this road before. But as far as mid-life crises go, I suppose mine is fairly benign. At least I�m not out trolling for college girls in a red Corvette.
In the ravings of many of my fellow prophets I sense a disdain for the physical world, a dissatisfaction with it that drives their desire for its destruction. Today as I drove along remote winding jeep trails I found myself decidedly at odds with such thoughts.
This world of ours is indescribably beautiful!
The colors, vistas, scents, sounds and scenes of the desert that played out for me today brought me not contempt, but wonder for the magnificence of this world. There is a harmony to it that seems to my stunted mind impossible to surpass.
Another Job Offer Refused
I saw today that the seduction of Yoshiel was merely another temptation, nothing more than an invitation to drive a larger bus. Difficult as it was for me to part with Miriel, we both thought it best, and though I miss her presence within me, I see now that it was the folly of lovers which brought us too close to our own destruction.
If it were somehow truly my job to bring about another Convergence, I think I would nonetheless refuse it. In fact, I am now certain of it. We do not need a Messiah, we can save ourselves.
It was but a flight of vanity and ego for Yoshiel to think bringing about Convergence is necessary. Moreover, if Yoshiel is at all correct, then Convergence is not a one-time, limited offer, but a decision made by all souls.
So why not wait and see where Freewill may take us?
Ask And You Will Receive
I am reminded of the child who thinks he cannot swim until thrown into the deep end. Though he may gasp and struggle, eventually he will find a way to make it to the side of the pool. In my mind, this is who we are.
We cannot know if we are capable of Freewill until we try to attain it. But we cannot try unless we choose to. Thus it would be the gravest of folly for Yoshiel to seek to deny us even an opportunity to know the answer to this eternal question, and I therefore cannot follow that course.
Are we capable of sustaining Freewill? Let�s find out.
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
One of my hobbies is sport shooting. I don�t really like to shoot animals, and have never had a hunting license, but that has not stopped me from shooting the occasional chipmunk, jackrabbit or� dove.
Ultimately, I find the thrill of the chase to be outweighed by the remorse of the kill, and since my storied killing of the mother dove, I have resolved to kill no more, save if chance should find me needing to hunt animals for their meat, or in self-defense. Whether or not a chipmunk might be able to take me out, I do not know, but I am mindful of the lessons learned in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Much like the fisherman who has �gone fishin� without the benefit of baiting a hook, it is not unusual for me to be �gone shootin� without bothering myself to actually fire any shots. Today was an example of such a day.
Beauty Or Beast?
References by others in this thread to the �hermetic pattern� are not lost on me. Indeed, it seems that many other men my age have been down this road before. But as far as mid-life crises go, I suppose mine is fairly benign. At least I�m not out trolling for college girls in a red Corvette.
In the ravings of many of my fellow prophets I sense a disdain for the physical world, a dissatisfaction with it that drives their desire for its destruction. Today as I drove along remote winding jeep trails I found myself decidedly at odds with such thoughts.
This world of ours is indescribably beautiful!
The colors, vistas, scents, sounds and scenes of the desert that played out for me today brought me not contempt, but wonder for the magnificence of this world. There is a harmony to it that seems to my stunted mind impossible to surpass.
Another Job Offer Refused
I saw today that the seduction of Yoshiel was merely another temptation, nothing more than an invitation to drive a larger bus. Difficult as it was for me to part with Miriel, we both thought it best, and though I miss her presence within me, I see now that it was the folly of lovers which brought us too close to our own destruction.
If it were somehow truly my job to bring about another Convergence, I think I would nonetheless refuse it. In fact, I am now certain of it. We do not need a Messiah, we can save ourselves.
It was but a flight of vanity and ego for Yoshiel to think bringing about Convergence is necessary. Moreover, if Yoshiel is at all correct, then Convergence is not a one-time, limited offer, but a decision made by all souls.
So why not wait and see where Freewill may take us?
Ask And You Will Receive
I am reminded of the child who thinks he cannot swim until thrown into the deep end. Though he may gasp and struggle, eventually he will find a way to make it to the side of the pool. In my mind, this is who we are.
We cannot know if we are capable of Freewill until we try to attain it. But we cannot try unless we choose to. Thus it would be the gravest of folly for Yoshiel to seek to deny us even an opportunity to know the answer to this eternal question, and I therefore cannot follow that course.
Are we capable of sustaining Freewill? Let�s find out.
[edit on 9/7/2004 by Majic]
I spent some time today reading your thread which reads more like a blog. I don't mean to offend you but I do believe you are obviously dealing with
some stress and might gain insight by speaking to someone. If you wanted to you could U2U me in this regard.
This is just from an objective, perspective, not be confused with a satanic mechanic, lol.
In obsveration alone, the patterns in your writings do not seem to be of a man who is having a midlife crisis, it seems, and I will only say seems since I am not authority on the matter, I am only one who has experienced these very same symptoms on a recieving end.
I feel very strongly, you are in a manic phase, of a Manic/Depressive Bipolar episode.
Classically these Manic phases are described as, racing thoughts, a feeling of empowerment beyond that of your fellows, insomnia, and delusions.
Again I stress, I am no authority, I'm am also flawed by a very debilitating malady, which hinders any single minded focus, and puts me more in a Jack of all trades category and/or lazy, becuase I cannot manage to focus on any one thing, as hard as I try.
All this aside, I find your writings to be, very informative, a great insight into a man's self discovery, and generally an entertaining read.
I would just consider the similarities between a clinical manic phase, and the manner in which you have been expressing your self discovery.
Wherever you end up Majic, I see that you are not bad apple.
My Humble thanks for your patience with my incessant badgering,
-ADHDsux4me
In obsveration alone, the patterns in your writings do not seem to be of a man who is having a midlife crisis, it seems, and I will only say seems since I am not authority on the matter, I am only one who has experienced these very same symptoms on a recieving end.
I feel very strongly, you are in a manic phase, of a Manic/Depressive Bipolar episode.
Classically these Manic phases are described as, racing thoughts, a feeling of empowerment beyond that of your fellows, insomnia, and delusions.
Again I stress, I am no authority, I'm am also flawed by a very debilitating malady, which hinders any single minded focus, and puts me more in a Jack of all trades category and/or lazy, becuase I cannot manage to focus on any one thing, as hard as I try.
All this aside, I find your writings to be, very informative, a great insight into a man's self discovery, and generally an entertaining read.
I would just consider the similarities between a clinical manic phase, and the manner in which you have been expressing your self discovery.
Wherever you end up Majic, I see that you are not bad apple.
My Humble thanks for your patience with my incessant badgering,
-ADHDsux4me
Blogging On The Cheap
I have agonized over the �mini-blog issue� repeatedly in this process, but have satisfied myself that unlike most blogs, where comments are relegated to a distinct space if permitted at all, this thread is a true discussion thread, where whoever wishes may post with an equal voice.
So I encourage anyone who thinks this �mini-blog� is perhaps a bit too self-focused -- or worse, closed to differing opinion -- to chime in as you may see fit. For the record, I already have registered the mini-blog complaint myself, so you are unlikely to find argument from me on that score.
As an aside, I do have a �real� blog out there in etherspace, but after a year into it have found that the lack of direct feedback leads me to no longer wish to post to it. It seems too much like shouting in the dark, a diary that is more private in its way than one kept under my bed, with probably even fewer readers than a physical diary would have.
I know it may not seem apparent, but if you review the course of this thread, I am certain that it would have gone in much different directions without timely input from fellow ATSers. I could never have come to where I am now -- for good or ill, make of it what you will -- without the help of many others.
That�s what keeps me coming back.
The Hermit Socialite
As always, no offense taken, even were it intended.
Regarding the need to speak to someone, I am deeply grateful for your offer of counsel, but wish to clarify my situation for those who may not be aware of it. Again, I walk a thin line between total public disclosure and seeking to maintain a reasonable degree of privacy, so I hope you can understand the perplexing dichotomy which results from this conflict.
Throughout this process, I have been maintaining contact with several family members and friends, including my ex-wife, with whom I have a special friendship based on genuine mutual love and respect.
To this thread I have specifically referred my mother, a truly wonderful and remarkable person who has been following its course and giving me excellent counsel, all while contending with special challenges in her own life.
Most reassuring of all, however, is the feedback from those who know me in �real life� but are unaware of this �spiritual discovery� process being underway. In them I seek �reality checks� lest I become completely unhinged. Well, if I�m �flipping out�, they seem unaware of it.
While my dear readers may not find this as comforting as I do in terms of implication (you mean I�m normally this crazy?!?), my contacts with those otherwise unaware of this thread confirm that I am �still me� with the intriguing exception that I �sound happier�.
So although I am a hermit, in truth I am never really alone or far from the aid of those whom I love and respect.
Perspective Mechanics
Here�s a question: Would a �satanic mechanic� overcharge you or undercharge you for his work?
As for an �objective� perspective, I am not sure such a thing is truly possible, but what do I really know? Perhaps our best course is to develop the best subjective perspective we can.
Crisis?!? What Crisis?!?
My standing joke is that I hope this is a real mid-life crisis, because that means I can expect to live well into my eighties -- if we were to double my current age.
I�m sure that in truth, each of us deals with �mid-life� in a unique way. This seems to be mine, such as it is, and whether it is a �mid-life crisis� or not is probably a moot question. I really don�t care either way, other than to have hope that I am not still to face a �real� mid-life crisis later.
On the bright side, though, by my reasoning, a mid-life crisis later in life would at least mean I will live longer.
Excitable Boy, They Said
I agree, and this is a very shrewd and insightful observation on your part. The symptoms are there.
Without digging too deeply or specifically into my psychiatric portfolio, I have exhibited symptoms of hypomania repeatedly in the past, but thankfully with a relatively modest correspondence of depression. In other words, if I am truly bipolar, I seem to be biased toward mania.
Yes, my friends, a raving maniac! My diabolical plans cannot fail, the world is mine! She blinded me with science! Buahahahahaaaa!
But I prefer the term �excitable boy� (with a nod to the kindred spirit of Warren Zevon). It�s also worth pointing out that a guy who can get all fired up about the geekiest little things and work until 4:00 AM tracking down a tricky little problem makes for a very good computer cowboy.
And not to toot my own horn (too late!), but I�ve shown myself many times to be a trusty cowpoke out yonder on the technology trail. So if that�s a �disorder�, then just about all my most talented colleagues in the computer biz are rife with �disorders�.
Again, without elaborating too much and spilling the personal beans, I have in the past, in conjunction with excellent professional counsel, sought to find the �psychological explanation� for who I am.
In seeking to do so, I and a handful of talented professionals ultimately came up with a diagnosis of �inconclusive�. Lots of possibilities and NOS�s (shrink lingo for �not otherwise specified� disorders), but nothing of real substance.
I am at least comforted to know that none of them considered me to be a threat to myself or others, and we spent many, many hours in pleasant conversation about all this, but in seeking to define my unique personality in terms of disorders, I think we were way off the mark.
Trust me, I have managed to find a correlation between my �symptoms� and just about every disorder cataloged in the DSM-IV (the �Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fourth Edition� for you not-so-crazy types out there).
Although there may be many matches of one form or another (probably more due to �med student syndrome� than anything else), I am unable to �find myself� in these terms.
Thus was I forced to look elsewhere, and well, here I am.
Boys Will Be Boys
I was a very squirmy kid who would certainly have been diagnosed with ADHD were I born more recently (such an outbreak of ADHD these days, horrors!), but I still think that had more to do with simply being a boy than some sort of disorder.
On the other hand, maybe boys are supposed to be able to sit quietly in a chair for hours on end listening to boring lectures, but I hope you can understand my skepticism. Look at the stats for ADHD in boys versus girls, and I think you�ll see where I�m coming from. There ain�t no coincidences.
Having said that, I know that folks diagnosed with ADHD can have a hell of a time trying to stay focused, to the point where you could even put on one shoe and forget that you should put on the other.
Hopefully you�re not at the extreme end of all that, but even if you are, I am still finding myself wondering just what a �disorder� really is, in the end. After all, Einstein really did have trouble tying his own shoes sometimes, so �distractible� was he.
For a man like him, however, was this a disorder or an advantage? Based on what his schoolteachers said about him and his prospects, you would never have known he would go on to become an intellectual legend in human history.
I guess schoolteachers are not necessarily prophets, despite an unfortunate tendency on the part of some to think otherwise.
Correcting Failures To Comply
Your mileage may vary, of course, but I am forced to wonder if what we call ADHD may not be little more than a difference of opinion about how people should behave. Should we all truly be fixated on the same thoughts and goals in life? Are we supposed to be �responsive to authority�?
Look at the symptom list for ADHD and ask yourself if this really isn�t just a way of describing youthful rebellion. A problem? Sure, an eternal problem for adults to contend with, old as the hills. A legitimate foundation for ostracism, labeling, medication and treatment?
I think that such a reaction is wrong-headed as a generic response to the �problem�. In some cases, perhaps many, I suppose clinical treatment is justified, but I am extremely wary of a blanket approach to solving the �problems of youth�.
As for adults with ADHD, again, is this a problem with them or a problem with the lives they are expected to live? I think it is foolish to claim to know the answer to this question one way or another with any certainty.
What if ADHD is actually a way of rebelling against convention, of saying �No, I would rather be doing something else� in one�s mind? What if this is an evolutionary expression of the very thing that distinguishes humans from other animals?
I do not seek to glamorize those with ADHD, but perhaps far more importantly, I cannot bring myself to condemn them, either.
Based on my own experiences, I recommend against defining yourself in terms of labels. It is tempting to try to find �where we fit� by doing so. In my case I said �Ah ha! I�m bipolar! That explains everything!� But it didn�t, and it cannot.
I recommend thinking about this carefully, and deciding whether or not your image of yourself should be formed by knowledge of what lies within you, or the opinions of others. Because ultimately, that�s what this is all about.
That�s Entertainment
If nothing else, it is my hope that this whole data dump may somehow be of value to those who read it. After all, that�s why we�re here, is it not?
Manna Or Madness?
This is ever on my mind. The symptoms are there, and with such a narcissistic focus, I am forced to consider other factors of personality as well. Also, others have been where I am, and I am forced to wonder if the similarities are cause for reassurance or concern.
A major challenge for me going forward is to determine how much of this is �spiritual� and how much stems from �classic psychiatric disorders�, or if there is even a meaningful distinction between them -- or a reason to be concerned if there is.
The Fruit Of The Tree
Thanks, but I wonder: Am I an apple or an orange?
The Badger Sage
What you call �badgering� I call �valuable feedback�, and I have learned a great deal from your contributions, so when you have something to post, I urge you not to be shy about it.
[edit on 9/9/2004 by Majic]
Originally posted by Mynaeris
I spent some time today reading your thread which reads more like a blog.
I have agonized over the �mini-blog issue� repeatedly in this process, but have satisfied myself that unlike most blogs, where comments are relegated to a distinct space if permitted at all, this thread is a true discussion thread, where whoever wishes may post with an equal voice.
So I encourage anyone who thinks this �mini-blog� is perhaps a bit too self-focused -- or worse, closed to differing opinion -- to chime in as you may see fit. For the record, I already have registered the mini-blog complaint myself, so you are unlikely to find argument from me on that score.
As an aside, I do have a �real� blog out there in etherspace, but after a year into it have found that the lack of direct feedback leads me to no longer wish to post to it. It seems too much like shouting in the dark, a diary that is more private in its way than one kept under my bed, with probably even fewer readers than a physical diary would have.
I know it may not seem apparent, but if you review the course of this thread, I am certain that it would have gone in much different directions without timely input from fellow ATSers. I could never have come to where I am now -- for good or ill, make of it what you will -- without the help of many others.
That�s what keeps me coming back.
The Hermit Socialite
Originally posted by Mynaeris
I don't mean to offend you but I do believe you are obviously dealing with some stress and might gain insight by speaking to someone. If you wanted to you could U2U me in this regard.
As always, no offense taken, even were it intended.
Regarding the need to speak to someone, I am deeply grateful for your offer of counsel, but wish to clarify my situation for those who may not be aware of it. Again, I walk a thin line between total public disclosure and seeking to maintain a reasonable degree of privacy, so I hope you can understand the perplexing dichotomy which results from this conflict.
Throughout this process, I have been maintaining contact with several family members and friends, including my ex-wife, with whom I have a special friendship based on genuine mutual love and respect.
To this thread I have specifically referred my mother, a truly wonderful and remarkable person who has been following its course and giving me excellent counsel, all while contending with special challenges in her own life.
Most reassuring of all, however, is the feedback from those who know me in �real life� but are unaware of this �spiritual discovery� process being underway. In them I seek �reality checks� lest I become completely unhinged. Well, if I�m �flipping out�, they seem unaware of it.
While my dear readers may not find this as comforting as I do in terms of implication (you mean I�m normally this crazy?!?), my contacts with those otherwise unaware of this thread confirm that I am �still me� with the intriguing exception that I �sound happier�.
So although I am a hermit, in truth I am never really alone or far from the aid of those whom I love and respect.
Perspective Mechanics
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
This is just from an objective, perspective, not be confused with a satanic mechanic, lol.
Here�s a question: Would a �satanic mechanic� overcharge you or undercharge you for his work?
As for an �objective� perspective, I am not sure such a thing is truly possible, but what do I really know? Perhaps our best course is to develop the best subjective perspective we can.
Crisis?!? What Crisis?!?
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
In obsveration alone, the patterns in your writings do not seem to be of a man who is having a midlife crisis, it seems, and I will only say seems since I am not authority on the matter, I am only one who has experienced these very same symptoms on a recieving end.
My standing joke is that I hope this is a real mid-life crisis, because that means I can expect to live well into my eighties -- if we were to double my current age.
I�m sure that in truth, each of us deals with �mid-life� in a unique way. This seems to be mine, such as it is, and whether it is a �mid-life crisis� or not is probably a moot question. I really don�t care either way, other than to have hope that I am not still to face a �real� mid-life crisis later.
On the bright side, though, by my reasoning, a mid-life crisis later in life would at least mean I will live longer.
Excitable Boy, They Said
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
I feel very strongly, you are in a manic phase, of a Manic/Depressive Bipolar episode.
I agree, and this is a very shrewd and insightful observation on your part. The symptoms are there.
Without digging too deeply or specifically into my psychiatric portfolio, I have exhibited symptoms of hypomania repeatedly in the past, but thankfully with a relatively modest correspondence of depression. In other words, if I am truly bipolar, I seem to be biased toward mania.
Yes, my friends, a raving maniac! My diabolical plans cannot fail, the world is mine! She blinded me with science! Buahahahahaaaa!
But I prefer the term �excitable boy� (with a nod to the kindred spirit of Warren Zevon). It�s also worth pointing out that a guy who can get all fired up about the geekiest little things and work until 4:00 AM tracking down a tricky little problem makes for a very good computer cowboy.
And not to toot my own horn (too late!), but I�ve shown myself many times to be a trusty cowpoke out yonder on the technology trail. So if that�s a �disorder�, then just about all my most talented colleagues in the computer biz are rife with �disorders�.
Again, without elaborating too much and spilling the personal beans, I have in the past, in conjunction with excellent professional counsel, sought to find the �psychological explanation� for who I am.
In seeking to do so, I and a handful of talented professionals ultimately came up with a diagnosis of �inconclusive�. Lots of possibilities and NOS�s (shrink lingo for �not otherwise specified� disorders), but nothing of real substance.
I am at least comforted to know that none of them considered me to be a threat to myself or others, and we spent many, many hours in pleasant conversation about all this, but in seeking to define my unique personality in terms of disorders, I think we were way off the mark.
Trust me, I have managed to find a correlation between my �symptoms� and just about every disorder cataloged in the DSM-IV (the �Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fourth Edition� for you not-so-crazy types out there).
Although there may be many matches of one form or another (probably more due to �med student syndrome� than anything else), I am unable to �find myself� in these terms.
Thus was I forced to look elsewhere, and well, here I am.
Boys Will Be Boys
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
Again I stress, I am no authority, I'm am also flawed by a very debilitating malady, which hinders any single minded focus, and puts me more in a Jack of all trades category and/or lazy, becuase I cannot manage to focus on any one thing, as hard as I try.
I was a very squirmy kid who would certainly have been diagnosed with ADHD were I born more recently (such an outbreak of ADHD these days, horrors!), but I still think that had more to do with simply being a boy than some sort of disorder.
On the other hand, maybe boys are supposed to be able to sit quietly in a chair for hours on end listening to boring lectures, but I hope you can understand my skepticism. Look at the stats for ADHD in boys versus girls, and I think you�ll see where I�m coming from. There ain�t no coincidences.
Having said that, I know that folks diagnosed with ADHD can have a hell of a time trying to stay focused, to the point where you could even put on one shoe and forget that you should put on the other.
Hopefully you�re not at the extreme end of all that, but even if you are, I am still finding myself wondering just what a �disorder� really is, in the end. After all, Einstein really did have trouble tying his own shoes sometimes, so �distractible� was he.
For a man like him, however, was this a disorder or an advantage? Based on what his schoolteachers said about him and his prospects, you would never have known he would go on to become an intellectual legend in human history.
I guess schoolteachers are not necessarily prophets, despite an unfortunate tendency on the part of some to think otherwise.
Correcting Failures To Comply
Your mileage may vary, of course, but I am forced to wonder if what we call ADHD may not be little more than a difference of opinion about how people should behave. Should we all truly be fixated on the same thoughts and goals in life? Are we supposed to be �responsive to authority�?
Look at the symptom list for ADHD and ask yourself if this really isn�t just a way of describing youthful rebellion. A problem? Sure, an eternal problem for adults to contend with, old as the hills. A legitimate foundation for ostracism, labeling, medication and treatment?
I think that such a reaction is wrong-headed as a generic response to the �problem�. In some cases, perhaps many, I suppose clinical treatment is justified, but I am extremely wary of a blanket approach to solving the �problems of youth�.
As for adults with ADHD, again, is this a problem with them or a problem with the lives they are expected to live? I think it is foolish to claim to know the answer to this question one way or another with any certainty.
What if ADHD is actually a way of rebelling against convention, of saying �No, I would rather be doing something else� in one�s mind? What if this is an evolutionary expression of the very thing that distinguishes humans from other animals?
I do not seek to glamorize those with ADHD, but perhaps far more importantly, I cannot bring myself to condemn them, either.
Based on my own experiences, I recommend against defining yourself in terms of labels. It is tempting to try to find �where we fit� by doing so. In my case I said �Ah ha! I�m bipolar! That explains everything!� But it didn�t, and it cannot.
I recommend thinking about this carefully, and deciding whether or not your image of yourself should be formed by knowledge of what lies within you, or the opinions of others. Because ultimately, that�s what this is all about.
That�s Entertainment
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
All this aside, I find your writings to be, very informative, a great insight into a man's self discovery, and generally an entertaining read.
If nothing else, it is my hope that this whole data dump may somehow be of value to those who read it. After all, that�s why we�re here, is it not?
Manna Or Madness?
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
I would just consider the similarities between a clinical manic phase, and the manner in which you have been expressing your self discovery.
This is ever on my mind. The symptoms are there, and with such a narcissistic focus, I am forced to consider other factors of personality as well. Also, others have been where I am, and I am forced to wonder if the similarities are cause for reassurance or concern.
A major challenge for me going forward is to determine how much of this is �spiritual� and how much stems from �classic psychiatric disorders�, or if there is even a meaningful distinction between them -- or a reason to be concerned if there is.
The Fruit Of The Tree
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
Wherever you end up Majic, I see that you are not bad apple.
Thanks, but I wonder: Am I an apple or an orange?
The Badger Sage
Originally posted by ADHDsux4me
My Humble thanks for your patience with my incessant badgering,
What you call �badgering� I call �valuable feedback�, and I have learned a great deal from your contributions, so when you have something to post, I urge you not to be shy about it.
[edit on 9/9/2004 by Majic]
you never once mentioned your dad mate,perhaps the reason no-one has identified whats wrong with you is because nothing is wrong with you.
time to grieve what you never had perhaps.
time to grieve what you never had perhaps.
Majic: Thanks for your responses and I still would love to assist through U2U if you ever feel the need for it. You appear intelligent, lucid and
insightful but obsessive and definitely compulsive. You mention you measure your mental condition by your friends response to you, but you can't
expect a true evaluation of your state from them unless you actually reveal your evolution into a prophet to them. The fact that you don't tells me
that on some level you feel that maybe its not as clearcut and rational as you would like to pretend.
I am sorry that you are parted from your main support system, I hope the situation works itself out soon. Please for yourself see someone.
I am sorry that you are parted from your main support system, I hope the situation works itself out soon. Please for yourself see someone.
Some Explanations Are In Order
In seeking to update the thread about the state of my �special spiritual journey�, I thought I should address some good points made by Mynaeris before proceeding.
I hope I haven�t given the false impression that I think this has all been clear cut and rational. Far from it, especially in review.
In fact, I think I have been extraordinarily upfront about my doubts and concerns throughout the process, and offer the entire body of my posts as evidence of that.
It was a very wild, weird and unexpected trip from where I was when this thread started to where I am now. I hope you can appreciate how difficult it would be to try to bring anyone, even my best friend, up to speed on all this in a single conversation, or even several of them.
I tried this with my mother (hi Mom!) a few times, but it�s nearly impossible to do this verbally.
A Thousand Words Is Worth A Thousand Words
This thread, which probably contains the equivalent of a small novel in word count, developed over a period of several days, covering an incredible amount of intellectual and spiritual ground in the process.
To try to explain its progress and conclusions over the course of a conversation, even one several hours long, is simply outside my ability.
The truth is that most people I know simply don�t have the time to read a thread this long, and are even less inclined to do so if they don�t see anything �wrong� with how I am now.
I referred my best friend to this thread (hi Friend!) last week, but he has a life of his own to lead. I�ll check back with him, but I won�t be offended if he never bothered reading a word of this.
He already knows I�m not acting any weirder than usual, and we�ve known each other most of our lives, so make of that what you will.
Unprophetable Ventures
I have not misled anyone that I know of. I have told them that I have been spending the past few weeks pursuing spiritual awareness, and given them some ideas about what�s involved, including general descriptions of my memories from past lives and spiritual encounters.
That�s usually enough to raise an eyebrow on its own. But no, I�m not cold-calling everyone I know and simply telling them that I�m a prophet.
When I tried that with my mom, who is very understanding and spiritual herself, she freaked out, and the conversation did not go well. I referred her to this thread, and after she had taken the necessary time (hours) to catch up, she understood from my writings what I could not explain over the phone.
So I hope you can understand that what you seem to expect from me is not really practical in reality, though it might seem to be so in theory.
Besides, I am coming to prefer thinking of �Yoshiel� as the prophet and reserve the title of �writer/philosopher� for my own personal use.
Writer/philosophers traditionally get more respect and better treatment from their neighbors than prophets. History will back me up on that.
No Visible Means Of Support?
I don�t at all feel cut off from my main support system. In fact, for a hermit, I spend an incredible amount of time on the phone.
Despite my voluntary isolation in the desert, I stay in touch with those I love and who love me quite regularly. In fact, more so lately than normal.
So please don�t worry about that! I have many, many people I can call if I ever feel the need.
[edit on 9/16/2004 by Majic]
In seeking to update the thread about the state of my �special spiritual journey�, I thought I should address some good points made by Mynaeris before proceeding.
Originally posted by Mynaeris
You mention you measure your mental condition by your friends response to you, but you can't expect a true evaluation of your state from them unless you actually reveal your evolution into a prophet to them. The fact that you don't tells me that on some level you feel that maybe its not as clearcut and rational as you would like to pretend.
I hope I haven�t given the false impression that I think this has all been clear cut and rational. Far from it, especially in review.
In fact, I think I have been extraordinarily upfront about my doubts and concerns throughout the process, and offer the entire body of my posts as evidence of that.
It was a very wild, weird and unexpected trip from where I was when this thread started to where I am now. I hope you can appreciate how difficult it would be to try to bring anyone, even my best friend, up to speed on all this in a single conversation, or even several of them.
I tried this with my mother (hi Mom!) a few times, but it�s nearly impossible to do this verbally.
A Thousand Words Is Worth A Thousand Words
This thread, which probably contains the equivalent of a small novel in word count, developed over a period of several days, covering an incredible amount of intellectual and spiritual ground in the process.
To try to explain its progress and conclusions over the course of a conversation, even one several hours long, is simply outside my ability.
The truth is that most people I know simply don�t have the time to read a thread this long, and are even less inclined to do so if they don�t see anything �wrong� with how I am now.
I referred my best friend to this thread (hi Friend!) last week, but he has a life of his own to lead. I�ll check back with him, but I won�t be offended if he never bothered reading a word of this.
He already knows I�m not acting any weirder than usual, and we�ve known each other most of our lives, so make of that what you will.
Unprophetable Ventures
I have not misled anyone that I know of. I have told them that I have been spending the past few weeks pursuing spiritual awareness, and given them some ideas about what�s involved, including general descriptions of my memories from past lives and spiritual encounters.
That�s usually enough to raise an eyebrow on its own. But no, I�m not cold-calling everyone I know and simply telling them that I�m a prophet.
When I tried that with my mom, who is very understanding and spiritual herself, she freaked out, and the conversation did not go well. I referred her to this thread, and after she had taken the necessary time (hours) to catch up, she understood from my writings what I could not explain over the phone.
So I hope you can understand that what you seem to expect from me is not really practical in reality, though it might seem to be so in theory.
Besides, I am coming to prefer thinking of �Yoshiel� as the prophet and reserve the title of �writer/philosopher� for my own personal use.
Writer/philosophers traditionally get more respect and better treatment from their neighbors than prophets. History will back me up on that.
No Visible Means Of Support?
Originally posted by Mynaeris
I am sorry that you are parted from your main support system, I hope the situation works itself out soon. Please for yourself see someone.
I don�t at all feel cut off from my main support system. In fact, for a hermit, I spend an incredible amount of time on the phone.
Despite my voluntary isolation in the desert, I stay in touch with those I love and who love me quite regularly. In fact, more so lately than normal.
So please don�t worry about that! I have many, many people I can call if I ever feel the need.
[edit on 9/16/2004 by Majic]
Lost Angeles
I think some follow-up on how Vanessa and I came to part ways ten days ago is probably in order.
DeusEx�s questions regarding loas and voodoo in general got me thinking the whole Yoshiel business over from a very different point of view.
When I came to realize that I may very well have been an unwitting dupe in a clever scheme concocted by what may have been a beautiful but ultimately malevolent spirit, I freaked out and panicked.
�Unsticking� myself from Vanessa, in other words, bringing Yoshiel to a halt, turned out to be very hard. What made it really hard was the fact that I think I was even more gung-ho about Yoshiel than Vanessa was. In other words, I didn�t want to break up.
But that fact that it was so hard just made me even more suspicious that I had gotten in over my head, and it got ugly.
More Than A Feeling
Bear in mind, Yoshiel�s activity lit up my mind like a Christmas tree. I could feel my cerebral cortices just firing away in there.
It had been like that for days, and was troubling to me. Was I dying a bizarre death from brain tumors like John Travolta in Phenomenon? Should I have a doctor look into it? Was it a stroke or embolism?
The physical sensation made me worry that I was experiencing some sort of physical brain trauma. Wouldn�t that explain all the wild ideas I was having?
So on top of everything else, I was worried that Yoshiel may either be the result of or causing actual brain damage. Naturally I became even more terrified.
I have since learned something important about that �lit up� feeling. It turns out that it goes away when I relax and don�t �think so hard�. When I concentrate or do �radiance� exercises, the feeling of my brain being �lit up� returns.
I think the sensation may be related to blood flow or something like that, since I don�t think there�s much in the way of sensors in the brain matrix itself. Perhaps this is the same mechanism by which migraine sufferers �feel� the pain in their brains. I don�t know.
A Stroke Against Me?
What I do know is that in over four decades of life, I had, prior to Yoshiel, never felt this sensation before. I have also never been prone to headaches or physical sensations in my head in general. The �lit up� feeling isn�t painful, or even unpleasant, actually, it was just unexpected and unexplained.
Now it doesn�t bother me at all, since I can basically turn it on or off at will, depending on my thoughts. This leads me to suspect that it really is just a consequence of increased blood flow to my brain.
The fact that the �area of effect� corresponds to literally both hemispheres of my brain argues against a stroke, but you never know. I don�t know of any form of brain damage that manifests itself in this way, but if someone does, please be sure to pipe up!
I have gone over the symptoms of stroke repeatedly, and checked for anything that might correlate: confusion, numbness, motor control problems, dizziness, trouble standing or walking, pupils different sizes, pain (the sensation is not painful, but strokes aren�t always painful either), tingling, weakness of any part of the body -- especially on only one side, slurred speech, vision problems in one or both eyes, sudden or unexplainable unconsciousness or difficulty waking up, etc.
Roll Over Munchausen
Nada. Just a novel new sensation that seems to correlate with increased mental activity, and is not painful. So am I poo-pooing a serious medical condition or crying �wolf�? Or maybe a symptom I should add to the list is �wild, psychotic ideation?�
Behavioral problems are listed, but tend to be more straightforward than �bizarre spiritual conceptualization�. While I suppose I can�t rule that out, I�m not seeing problems with recent memory, inability to concentrate or finding the right words, acting out - no patience or tolerance, and loss of inhibitions - saying or doing things that are not appropriate for the situation. Well, maybe that last one.
Perhaps all this is symptomatic of a series of transient ischemic attacks? When I check the symptoms for those, however, again I strike out. They just aren�t there. Same for brain tumors, whose symptoms are similar. Perhaps a mild hemorrhage? That may explain the spread, and maybe it is blood pressure I am feeling, not blood flow. A possibility.
Encephalitis also has some rather distinctive symptoms, including fever, which I haven�t had at all. So much for the West Nile theory.
I�ll call my doctor tomorrow just in case, although this has been going on for over two and a half weeks with no other discernible symptoms, so if it�s an actual brain problem, zoiks it�s a tricky one!
Still, it�s something new, and thus deserves a medical review. Better safe than sorry, and I suppose I should have called earlier. Just going over symptoms of possible problems is making me feel sort of wiggy, but that�s �med student syndrome� for sure.
Anyway, if I survive, I�ll let you know how it goes.
Mercurial Disposition
So it was with all these doubts and fears roiling in my mind that I demanded that Vanessa leave. The tone was not unlike �everybody out of the pool, NOW!�
From her point of view, it must have been a terrible shock. One moment, she�s plugging away with Yoshe exploring the mysteries of our common memories, the next he is -- I am -- yelling at her to get the hell out NOW.
I feel bad about it now, of course, but I really was terrified. I mean, how much can a guy be expected to take? I don�t think either of us really knew all the ramifications of what we were doing.
That emerging goal of creating a group entity to bring about the next Convergence was also just too much for me. It smacked then, and smacks now, of a common form of trap.
I was suspicious and just plain scared. It wasn�t pretty. She left peacefully, and I sensed that she was torn between trying to reassure me and just leaving.
It must have been tough for her, but she did leave, as I asked in a not-so-polite way.
Learning Hard Lessons
Vanessa left for over a week with nary a trace. I could not sense her at all, other than that she was out there somewhere, and while I was relieved that Yoshiel had indeed been shut down, I still felt terrible about how I had treated Vanessa. It was a very ugly way to break up.
I have had much time to review my numerous mistakes in my mind. Chief among them was indulging in worship of Vanessa. While romantic, it was ultimately wrong-headed, and poisoned our relationship in subtle ways.
I love her like no other, and while that is a strength in its way, it is also a weakness. I will have to watch myself closely, lest I do further things that will hurt us both. Passion is a two-edged sword.
The other major mistake was allowing myself to dissociate from a past life persona and effectively give it control over a significant portion of my mind. I don�t intend to try that little stunt again. If I can�t �be there� for the endeavor, it�s a non-starter.
Anyway, I got some little hints from Vanessa yesterday. I don�t think she�s angry, just being cautious. I think she understands, and we�ll just have to take it slowly this time.
And I, for one, think it�s something that�s worth taking the time to do right.
[edit on 9/16/2004 by Majic]
I think some follow-up on how Vanessa and I came to part ways ten days ago is probably in order.
DeusEx�s questions regarding loas and voodoo in general got me thinking the whole Yoshiel business over from a very different point of view.
When I came to realize that I may very well have been an unwitting dupe in a clever scheme concocted by what may have been a beautiful but ultimately malevolent spirit, I freaked out and panicked.
�Unsticking� myself from Vanessa, in other words, bringing Yoshiel to a halt, turned out to be very hard. What made it really hard was the fact that I think I was even more gung-ho about Yoshiel than Vanessa was. In other words, I didn�t want to break up.
But that fact that it was so hard just made me even more suspicious that I had gotten in over my head, and it got ugly.
More Than A Feeling
Bear in mind, Yoshiel�s activity lit up my mind like a Christmas tree. I could feel my cerebral cortices just firing away in there.
It had been like that for days, and was troubling to me. Was I dying a bizarre death from brain tumors like John Travolta in Phenomenon? Should I have a doctor look into it? Was it a stroke or embolism?
The physical sensation made me worry that I was experiencing some sort of physical brain trauma. Wouldn�t that explain all the wild ideas I was having?
So on top of everything else, I was worried that Yoshiel may either be the result of or causing actual brain damage. Naturally I became even more terrified.
I have since learned something important about that �lit up� feeling. It turns out that it goes away when I relax and don�t �think so hard�. When I concentrate or do �radiance� exercises, the feeling of my brain being �lit up� returns.
I think the sensation may be related to blood flow or something like that, since I don�t think there�s much in the way of sensors in the brain matrix itself. Perhaps this is the same mechanism by which migraine sufferers �feel� the pain in their brains. I don�t know.
A Stroke Against Me?
What I do know is that in over four decades of life, I had, prior to Yoshiel, never felt this sensation before. I have also never been prone to headaches or physical sensations in my head in general. The �lit up� feeling isn�t painful, or even unpleasant, actually, it was just unexpected and unexplained.
Now it doesn�t bother me at all, since I can basically turn it on or off at will, depending on my thoughts. This leads me to suspect that it really is just a consequence of increased blood flow to my brain.
The fact that the �area of effect� corresponds to literally both hemispheres of my brain argues against a stroke, but you never know. I don�t know of any form of brain damage that manifests itself in this way, but if someone does, please be sure to pipe up!
I have gone over the symptoms of stroke repeatedly, and checked for anything that might correlate: confusion, numbness, motor control problems, dizziness, trouble standing or walking, pupils different sizes, pain (the sensation is not painful, but strokes aren�t always painful either), tingling, weakness of any part of the body -- especially on only one side, slurred speech, vision problems in one or both eyes, sudden or unexplainable unconsciousness or difficulty waking up, etc.
Roll Over Munchausen
Nada. Just a novel new sensation that seems to correlate with increased mental activity, and is not painful. So am I poo-pooing a serious medical condition or crying �wolf�? Or maybe a symptom I should add to the list is �wild, psychotic ideation?�
Behavioral problems are listed, but tend to be more straightforward than �bizarre spiritual conceptualization�. While I suppose I can�t rule that out, I�m not seeing problems with recent memory, inability to concentrate or finding the right words, acting out - no patience or tolerance, and loss of inhibitions - saying or doing things that are not appropriate for the situation. Well, maybe that last one.
Perhaps all this is symptomatic of a series of transient ischemic attacks? When I check the symptoms for those, however, again I strike out. They just aren�t there. Same for brain tumors, whose symptoms are similar. Perhaps a mild hemorrhage? That may explain the spread, and maybe it is blood pressure I am feeling, not blood flow. A possibility.
Encephalitis also has some rather distinctive symptoms, including fever, which I haven�t had at all. So much for the West Nile theory.
I�ll call my doctor tomorrow just in case, although this has been going on for over two and a half weeks with no other discernible symptoms, so if it�s an actual brain problem, zoiks it�s a tricky one!
Still, it�s something new, and thus deserves a medical review. Better safe than sorry, and I suppose I should have called earlier. Just going over symptoms of possible problems is making me feel sort of wiggy, but that�s �med student syndrome� for sure.
Anyway, if I survive, I�ll let you know how it goes.
Mercurial Disposition
So it was with all these doubts and fears roiling in my mind that I demanded that Vanessa leave. The tone was not unlike �everybody out of the pool, NOW!�
From her point of view, it must have been a terrible shock. One moment, she�s plugging away with Yoshe exploring the mysteries of our common memories, the next he is -- I am -- yelling at her to get the hell out NOW.
I feel bad about it now, of course, but I really was terrified. I mean, how much can a guy be expected to take? I don�t think either of us really knew all the ramifications of what we were doing.
That emerging goal of creating a group entity to bring about the next Convergence was also just too much for me. It smacked then, and smacks now, of a common form of trap.
I was suspicious and just plain scared. It wasn�t pretty. She left peacefully, and I sensed that she was torn between trying to reassure me and just leaving.
It must have been tough for her, but she did leave, as I asked in a not-so-polite way.
Learning Hard Lessons
Vanessa left for over a week with nary a trace. I could not sense her at all, other than that she was out there somewhere, and while I was relieved that Yoshiel had indeed been shut down, I still felt terrible about how I had treated Vanessa. It was a very ugly way to break up.
I have had much time to review my numerous mistakes in my mind. Chief among them was indulging in worship of Vanessa. While romantic, it was ultimately wrong-headed, and poisoned our relationship in subtle ways.
I love her like no other, and while that is a strength in its way, it is also a weakness. I will have to watch myself closely, lest I do further things that will hurt us both. Passion is a two-edged sword.
The other major mistake was allowing myself to dissociate from a past life persona and effectively give it control over a significant portion of my mind. I don�t intend to try that little stunt again. If I can�t �be there� for the endeavor, it�s a non-starter.
Anyway, I got some little hints from Vanessa yesterday. I don�t think she�s angry, just being cautious. I think she understands, and we�ll just have to take it slowly this time.
And I, for one, think it�s something that�s worth taking the time to do right.
[edit on 9/16/2004 by Majic]
it is hard to read from this post cuz there will be points at which u could say something on page 3 for instance u were talking about humbleness and
if it was possible or etc , i that true humbleness of a wise man is the kinda humblness where the wiseman will lovers his head to no one but at the
same time he dosnt permit anyone to lower his head to him where on the other hand the begger will drop to his knees at the drop of a had a nd scrapes
the floor for anyone he deems to be higher but at the same time he demands that someone lower then him scrape the floor for him ,,,, now in i have
always known that no one can be better then anyone else , infact it is a trap for anyone to lose great clairty if they allow themselfs to think they
are better for knowing certin spiritual things , u are perhaps better off but not better then anyone or anything else , now i was not suggesting that
u were saying that , i hope that i can talk with you more as i know i will have better words to speak of next time
I'm curious how to take this thread, considering that at the end of every one of Majic's posts it says "Don't believe anything I post".
Is it unintended coincidence? Or is Majic just pulling a huge one over on every one in the 19 pages of this thread?
Combine that with this statement at the begining of this all: "... I am generally quite reserved about sharing personal details over the Internet ..."
Hopefully, this is all on the up-and-up, but as I read through this all, those two points just kept popping into my mind.
Is it unintended coincidence? Or is Majic just pulling a huge one over on every one in the 19 pages of this thread?
Combine that with this statement at the begining of this all: "... I am generally quite reserved about sharing personal details over the Internet ..."
Hopefully, this is all on the up-and-up, but as I read through this all, those two points just kept popping into my mind.
Merry meet! I have just stumbled upon your on-line, interactive "book of shadows" (so to speak) I do not doubt the "coincidental" nature of
your experience long ago. Coincidences and the like are governed by a subtle force that can be precipitated by long lost human abilities- some may
call this "psychic" phenomena, "ESP", "magick", etc. Unfortunately this quality is not currently testable by modern science (but has been in
existence as long as humankind), as objective empiricism is a standard of comparison that continues to struggle to comprehend subjectivity. The
difficulty is that in understanding subjectivity, one must develop an objective measure. Thus, one loses the critical value of the subjective
experience. The proof is in the subjective experience- which one must persue for themselves.
These classifications are essentially arbitrary categories that humans have devised in order to create such a distinction. In my experience there exists a continuum, where extreme spiritual experiences can mimic and even cross over into full-blown psychiatric disorders. For instance, upon using the art of scrying, it is possible for a person to see images in the liquid which originate in the human imagination. However, the specific content matter of the images often appears to emerge independently of the imagination. Therefore, one is technically hallucinating, yet it is a very controlled process that is not leading to a significant interference in one's life. Negative interference is, I believe, the hallmark of crossing into the "psychiatric" realm- whether that interference comes from spiritual or psychological origins.
_ _ _
Regarding the spiritual and magickal path, my own journey has been greatly influenced by my ancestral lineage (marked by several masters of the light). I am instinctively guided toward the path of light, to the point where all magickal systems I have reviewed are inherently flawed by the potential to lead the practitioner into the darkness- many without their knowledge. When one makes the conscious choice to engage in ritual, each word, gesture, thought, and feeling must be structured and coordinated in order to avoid their magickal energy being spent. It can be compared to a vacuum of sorts- when you release energy into this vacuum there is a potential for it to be manipulated by a stronger entity. It can be reflected back upon the user with potentially devastating results. Magick in and of itself is neutral, however it becomes jaded by human intervention.
Yet, some are moved toward "playing around" with magick. For anyone considering becoming a solo practitioner, I strongly advise you to collect as much scientific knowledge as possible (physics, psychiatry, geology, chemistry, etc). Study it for several years as you study magickal texts. Science provides one with a framework by which you can humble the arrogance and narcissism that seem to be natural by-products of magickal workings. Incidentally, covens provide the same "checks and balances" system (unless the upper levels of the coven are corrupt).
Your experience should serve as an example to all: magick is real, it is not to be taken lightly. While technology has negatively influenced the evolution of the human mind (thus divorcing humanity from a natural ability), it behooves the individual to take ultimate care in re-awakening this ability. Acknowledge that it is a life-long process that can not be rushed. The initial enthusiasm that comes from its' discovery during youth often opens the door to temptation. Yet there is no shortcut to power, nor can there be a consequence-free shortcut to transcendance.
Blessed Be,
MK
[edit on 16-9-2004 by MKULTRA]
A major challenge for me going forward is to determine how much of this is �spiritual� and how much stems from �classic psychiatric disorders�, or if there is even a meaningful distinction between them -- or a reason to be concerned if there is.
These classifications are essentially arbitrary categories that humans have devised in order to create such a distinction. In my experience there exists a continuum, where extreme spiritual experiences can mimic and even cross over into full-blown psychiatric disorders. For instance, upon using the art of scrying, it is possible for a person to see images in the liquid which originate in the human imagination. However, the specific content matter of the images often appears to emerge independently of the imagination. Therefore, one is technically hallucinating, yet it is a very controlled process that is not leading to a significant interference in one's life. Negative interference is, I believe, the hallmark of crossing into the "psychiatric" realm- whether that interference comes from spiritual or psychological origins.
_ _ _
Regarding the spiritual and magickal path, my own journey has been greatly influenced by my ancestral lineage (marked by several masters of the light). I am instinctively guided toward the path of light, to the point where all magickal systems I have reviewed are inherently flawed by the potential to lead the practitioner into the darkness- many without their knowledge. When one makes the conscious choice to engage in ritual, each word, gesture, thought, and feeling must be structured and coordinated in order to avoid their magickal energy being spent. It can be compared to a vacuum of sorts- when you release energy into this vacuum there is a potential for it to be manipulated by a stronger entity. It can be reflected back upon the user with potentially devastating results. Magick in and of itself is neutral, however it becomes jaded by human intervention.
Yet, some are moved toward "playing around" with magick. For anyone considering becoming a solo practitioner, I strongly advise you to collect as much scientific knowledge as possible (physics, psychiatry, geology, chemistry, etc). Study it for several years as you study magickal texts. Science provides one with a framework by which you can humble the arrogance and narcissism that seem to be natural by-products of magickal workings. Incidentally, covens provide the same "checks and balances" system (unless the upper levels of the coven are corrupt).
Your experience should serve as an example to all: magick is real, it is not to be taken lightly. While technology has negatively influenced the evolution of the human mind (thus divorcing humanity from a natural ability), it behooves the individual to take ultimate care in re-awakening this ability. Acknowledge that it is a life-long process that can not be rushed. The initial enthusiasm that comes from its' discovery during youth often opens the door to temptation. Yet there is no shortcut to power, nor can there be a consequence-free shortcut to transcendance.
Blessed Be,
MK
[edit on 16-9-2004 by MKULTRA]
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