Moving on....

G'day ATS,

I'm a but reluctant to share my story but hopefully someone here has the right mind to offer me sensible advice. I'm not coping all that great with the break up of my relationship so any clowns who post sarcastic, immature comments will be ignored. I'm only interested in hearing from members who sincerely want to help.

I won't go into too much detail about the relationship cause it's irrelevant now. It's over and there's no chance of reconciliation but I'm really really struggling to come to terms with it. She is still "the one" in my eyes and I love her to no end but it's something that cannot be. I need some level headed advice on how to move on, or atleast how to start the healing process.

The old adage "time heals all wounds" seems useless in my case as there is significant time between the day she left and today but my feelings grow.

Help me ATS......

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


Stay busy and don't dwell on it.
Maybe start going out more often and meeting new people....you don't have to go out with them but i think its healthy to meet new people.
It might be too fresh right now but maybe pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back in the saddle.

Thats my advice...take it as you want.

I know where your coming from, but from my case alone the only thing that worked was time, sadly quite a bit of it.

Sorry not to give the magical cure your searching for but in truth I don't think there really is one.

Goodluck

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


Punch yourself in the nuts every time you think about her so you never want to think about her again. I wish i had thought of that when i went though my breakup lol. But all jokes aside being hurt takes time to get over. Soon it will be a distant memory dont spend your time thinking about it go out and do something anything to get your mind off it at first it will seem impossible then over time it will slowly fade away and you will only think about every once in awhile.
Ps do not punch yourself in the nuts i was joking!!!!!!! It is a short term solution and the after effects suck.

reply to post by DrumsRfun


Appreciate your advice. I keep relatively busy but the thoughts creep back in. I know I shouldn't dwell on it as it's history but I can't let go. That's the issue. I go out as often as I can but when I meet girls I feel guitly for chatting and flirting etc and always end the night feeling low cause I know I won't be waking up next to her. I realize how pathetic I sound but it's just how it is. I can't seem to change my situation. Once again though, thankyou for taking the time.

reply to post by MoneyRain


I guess I shoulda expected your comment at some point. I fear you're right but it's already been quite a bit of time. I seem to be getting nowhere. Hopefully one day I'll be able to play your role in reassuring someone that time does work.... Eventually. Cheers for your input.

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


I've been dealing with the same kind of situation for a long time now. All people, myself included tend to romanticize the past, we tend to place others on a pedestal while focusing on our own faults. The best thing you do try to see her as the actual person she was, as opposed to the person you saw her to be. Remembering her flaws while focusing on your better qualities might help and if all else fails use plenty of distractions(Movies, books, etc.).

Hope that helps.

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


First step, sit down, take a deep breath...slowly exhale..

Try to realise you're not alone, not the first and not the last to go through this. We all suffer this in some way or another.

There is no answer anyone can give you. This is all down to you, but we can hopefully offer some advice to help you calm your mind and your heart.

Remember the fun you had, the laughter, the loving, tender moments.. Don't ever let them go.. They are vital lessons extremely useful for later on in your life.
Don't try to destroy your memories through the pain of the heartache... let the memories be something upon which you can have a solid foundation with which to build anew.

Give yourself some private space and let your emotions out.. cry if you feel you need to.. nobody will think any less of you.. let those tears flow and don't hold back..

Realise how wonderful both of you are...how you've become more than you ever imagined was possible..
Be proud of yourself for being able to have had such a love for someone. Be proud of the love you received in return.

Remember that love.

In the grand scheme of things, this person will eternally be with you, this persons name will be etched on your heart and mind for all eternity and their spiritual self will be blended into yours in this life and the next.

You've both made everlasting impressions on each other and this is the most important thing.

Many find it difficult to love and be loved.. you are both very lucky.

Through what you have typed, I am assuming that you may one day be able to come into contact with each other again.. by that time, you will find it a lot easier to say some very special things that you would never have thought about before.. This will be a bonus to you both in the future..

If not in this life..then the next.. above, as is below.

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


There is nothing to feel guilty about so try to not let that get to you.
We have all been there so don't feel pathetic either.
Such is life.

How about waking up next to one of the ladies you meet instead of feeling guilty??
For me having sex after a breakup is my confirmation that its over and there is no turning back.
Maybe not great advice but it has worked for me.

reply to post by pcrobotwolf


Haha! When I started reading your comment I thought, "here we go, here comes the sarcasm!" but you got a good laugh out of me. I did get to a stage for a short period where my thoughts only came once in a while but that didn't last long. I think I just convinced myself I was over her but really was far from it. Since then the pain has only increased. I wonder whether it's because before there was a minuscule chance it coulda worked but now it's definately over so the increased suffering comes from that fact. Hopefully that's the case and things improve sooner rather than later. Anyway appreciate your thoughts and cheers again for the chuckle

reply to post by Poker


That's an interesting notion, one I haven't heard before. In saying that though, I have no difficulties remembering her faults but the things I love about her seem to far outweigh all that. I'm a modest person so putting myself on that pedestal could prove difficult. I'll take what you say onboard and give it a shot though, thankyou.

Hi there. Sorry for your split as this is never a pleasant thing to live...

First, you shouldn't feel any guilt for talking with people, like other girls. Even more if she decided to call it quits.

Also, ask yourself: Are you a "dépendant affectif"? It means you love love more than the other you are with... It happens to many, many people. You have to be honest with yourself; Did she make you feel great in all possible ways, or did YOU feel great when with her, for no reasons?

We often idealize the other because they serve as a life line, which is really really bad, because you will choke the other. You know the saying; If you love something, let it go. If its yours, it'll come back, else, it was never your to begin with...

Just find again what helps you feel great, and plunge for a while head first into it. It'll help you change your mind frame.

And DON'T CLOSE THE CURTAINS of your home!!! Bath in the sun light. It'll do more good than you could imagine.

And remember; When you'll be old, you might regret some of the days you'll have spent crying over her.
Who knows, the next girl you don't want to talk to COULD be the good one.

I wish you a great day, today!

I know how you feel


Just look at my profile from January when my ex SHATTERED my heart into billions of pieces. I didn't know what to do. I became a recluse for a good month. I didn't think I would ever feel the same again.

I spent 3wks in Italy with him then came back and the NEXT day he broke up with me and didn't talk to me for almost four months. We just talked last week for the first time. I needed that closure to be fully happy in my current relationship. It was a weight off my shoulder of constant wonder.

After hiding out for a month I finally smacked myself in a sense and started to get out and do things. I thank my friends on here and in my personal life for bringing me back to the living. They dragged me to the beach or out to the mall or lunch...It took time but it was at my pace

I am actually now quite happy and I met someone else out of nowhere and he is wonderful. I said I would never date again ( I think we all say that ) and I have been seeing him for about two months. We are going slow and I couldn't be happier. He is a great guy and has the two traits my ex lacked, communication and emotions. I knew deep down my ex and I wouldn't work but i was in total denial...The whole "love is blind" thing..They always say it comes around when you aren't looking and i sure as heck was not looking but he was persistent and it turned out we had a lot in common and I couldn't be happier now.

I dont have any hard feelings against my ex, I know why he did what he did. It just took me a while to see it. I wish nothing but the best for him.


I hope you wake up too and see you will find someone who makes you all giddy and happy again. I know now you don't feel like it, believe me I know but it will happen and you will think back and wonder why you were so upset. I always HATED the saying "everything happens for a reason" but I really do think it's true even though at the time I wanted to punch anyone who said it to me.

I wish you all the best!

*hugs*

In my experience only time, courage and strength get me through it. Time seems to tick by so slowly, with every minute seeming like hours. The person I want to tell everything to, relate with just isn't there anymore. Sometimes it seems like it's worse than losing someone through death, because when someone dies they aren't around like some ghost of the person I once knew actively doing things to destroy my life or harm me. There's nothing that makes it all okay if your love is still burning strongly inside you. If it was more of a mutual disintegration of the relationship than you can focus on what was wrong with it, when you are thinking about it, and avoid romanticizing it. Think of all the things that were upsetting, made you feel bad about it, all the compromises you made. You're free of those things now, at least. You can be the whole of who you are again. Try to survive each day by taking care of your basic needs. When you can, go out, be active as you can, do things you enjoy. You're living your life for you now and nobody else. Be yourself wholly and completely. Time will ease the pain but it's a long, dark night before the dawn. If you're lucky enough to have any friends in the world, try to hook up when you can with them. Indulge yourself in whatever comes your way. Whatever gets you through the night is okay until you reach that point where you don't need to distract yourself anymore.

The fact is that being involved in a broken relationship is destructive to your mind, body and soul, yet people stay in them because it seems more horrible to be alone. It's an illusion because there are six billion people out there and someone is going to click with you better than that last one did. If that relationships was the one, it wouldn't be over now. I don't know why people have that fantasy of there being some special one. Fairy tales we are told as children I guess.

The world is full of people who are alone and don't want to be, broken-hearted, foresaken, abandoned, distraught. It feels horrible to be in this position but you are not alone in it. Survive, repair the damage
from the relationship, remember what it's like to be a whole individual, pursue your passions, take care of yourself. Fall in love with yourself.

I wish you the best, and that you find comfort and strength through this difficult time.

reply to post by Extralien


Wow very wise words. You're spot on when you say that we have been in contact. Here's the bombshell.... We have two very beautiful children together. I don't allow them to see my feelings so my situation doesn't affect them. But yes I see her once every couple of days to pick the kids up so there's no escaping the contact. You're advice is great but wouldn't my feelings be magnified if I constantly think about our history in that light. Im not saying I should look down on our history but would I not benefit more from trying to think about that love less? I don't know as nothing seems to be working for me but you could be on to something. I feel once I've healed that your words will be a great guideline for finding someone new and building on it but not sure that would help me at this point as I suppose that's how I look at her already. I will always love her as she is the mother of my children and we shared something special but still being "in love" with her is what's making me suffer. I just cant let go. Thankyou very much for your advice, I know it's some I'll use.

Originally posted by TOMFROMOZ
reply to post by Extralien

 

but wouldn't my feelings be magnified if I constantly think about our history in that light. Im not saying I should look down

No they wont be magnified, rather reflected.. sometimes looking at the light hurts your eyes, but you gotta look to find your way forwards..
We look in a mirror, but don't always like what we see, but it reminds us we are who we are and must come to terms with that.
Use the warmth of the memories to help you get to grips that you're still alive and kicking and got a whole lotta life left in you..
The kids will be a big focusing point and a constant reminder no matter what you do.. so use that to gain strength and heal your mind, the heart will follow..
The kids are the best most precious thing to come out of all of this.. they were made with love.

One thing I wanted to say earlier but held back on due to lack of info, but you've now completed the missing bits.. This seperation could have been a whole lot worse.. it could have been through a tragic accident that led towards a funeral..

Your pain is shared by us all.
Acceptance is a great thing to consider when human emotions get in the way.

Gonna take 5 minutes out to send you some love and light

Just want to express my appreciation to all you that have offered me some comfort and advice. It's great to know people care even though I don't know any of you. If only that was the norm this day and age. I will do my best to reply to all your posts to individually thank you all because there's some excellent advice here It's getting late where I am so I'll answer what I can tonight and be back tomorrow to read and write some more.
Thanks again ATS.

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


I don't believe time heals all wounds but, I've learned from personal experience that time helps our hearts adjust to the loss we've been dealt. The pain will always be somewhere inside of you but, I also think that over time, we become a new person so, the pain has less control/effect in our "new lives".

The fact that you believe it is truly over might also be causing you an added burden. Especially if you still view the person as "The One". The finality of it all probably feels unbearable to you and I think many of us can relate to that in some way.

My heart goes out to you and, I mean that with all sincerity.

reply to post by TOMFROMOZ


i think we've all been through this...

The best advice i can give is this.... i've said it before and i'll say it again;

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else

GL