A question for all females on ATS. Bear with me...About marraige.

reply to post by havok


When my husband and I started to get "serious",I
picked out my engagement ring choice and told him.
We had both been married before and I wanted something
simple and sweet.He would have picked out a bigger rock.
My engagement ring is a 1/4 carat marquis cut diamond
in a simple gold band.Our wedding bands are white and
yellow gold.
They are now sitting in my jewelry box because my
husband and I have problems with our hands swelling.
Makes me real glad that I chose a simple,less expensive
ring,since they aren't being worn.

Just a simple silver band we paid like twenty bucks for is all I wear. ( my choice ) I've never taken a fancy to anything gold or sparkly. But if it comes with a drill bits and a power pak, look out. Everyone in my family knows that my husband married me for my power tools. I knew he was the man for me the first time he stepped into my wood shop and his eyes lit up like those diamonds everybody is talking about.

While not a woman...

Why is there an obsession with a ring?

For most women, I think they want their man to acknowledge they are "taken". The ring is a big sign to other women to "stay away, he's mine", so to speak. They like that assurance. It also tells the gal that he chose her, and is promising to remain with only her.

As for obsessing about size or cost, that's just shallow women, and you should probably be thankful you found out sooner rather than later. A ring should be realistically in one's budget. After all, apart from the symbolism, it really serves no practical function, so shouldn't be going in debt over it.

Like cars for a guy, a ring is an instant status symbol among women though. It quickly establishes their rung on the ladder, but really, if one is so immature as to care about such things, then they are probably too immature to enter into a lasting marriage anyways....

My best gal-pal did the flip and bought herself the ring and a plain band for her hubby-to-be and proposed to him.

Now, it was a blingin' ring... which he later replaced himself for whatever reason, his choice.
and for the first couple of years of their marriage that was that...

Recently she's undergone one of these ethical makeovers, researching blood diamonds, child slavery etc etc and replacing all her clothing with ethical brands, food stuffs the whole shebang..
and this translated to her jewellery.

Long story short, she still kind of judges other women by their diamonds in the checkout line and so on, but she's replaced her own ring with a lovely saphire in silver - very affordable and his own band is now stainless steel - not gold.

So, it's up to the individual and people change over time - someone shallow now, may grow...
someone may not even require a ring, for some it's symbolic and for others empowering.

I personally as a women don't need it, but it's a handy social indicator for who's off or on the market.

Wag.

reply to post by innervision0730


I 2nd that, I also do believe marriage is overrated!!

reply to post by stinavamp


My wife is the same way. I got her a ring within my budget (about the same price range as yours), and she was and still is thrilled by it. She always told me that she never care for flash or pizzazz. She is a down to earth gal, and I'm glad to be with her.

Star for you.

The diamond engagement ring is one of the most successful advertising campaigns ever.
I couldn't tell you why women want them. But any woman who demands a diamond or demands the size is going to demand a lot more.
Any many who knows me knows I do not own a diamond, I never will.
I would be fine with an inherited or antique ring, but that is it.

As for showing committment, the biggest ring in the world hasn't stopped or compelled someone to act or not act committed.

reply to post by nixie_nox

I couldn't tell you why women want them.

I can.

No matter how nice, kind, or grounded a woman is....the ONE thing that will ALWAYS make her day, is the respect and admiration of other women, and a big, fancy ring is an easy way to get this. (not a cheap way, but an easy way if one has the means).

Well first of all the size or price of the ring should not matter. Its the thought and commitment that counts. As far as marrage goes I guess most woman are just brought up always seeing it on TV and dreaming of how there wedding will be, its just something most or alot have always wanted.

I dont think its that important. If you love someone, getting married shouldnt matter. Its just a piece of paper. But if it happens, great. I think the obession with it is stupid. It should be something both people do if they both feel its a step they want to take. But it shouldnt break the relationship if one or either dont want it.

I picked out a $60 gold band - - - which I haven't worn since the wedding.

I hate stuff on my hands - - it really annoys me. So I wear no ring at all.

I'm a confident woman who has no need to prove anything to other women.

Originally posted by Gazrok
No matter how nice, kind, or grounded a woman is....the ONE thing that will ALWAYS make her day, is the respect and admiration of other women, and a big, fancy ring is an easy way to get this. (not a cheap way, but an easy way if one has the means).

Not this woman.

Women seem to be intimidated by me - - - because I don't care what they think.

Originally posted by Jess_Undefined
Well first of all the size or price of the ring should not matter. Its the thought and commitment that counts. As far as marrage goes I guess most woman are just brought up always seeing it on TV and dreaming of how there wedding will be, its just something most or alot have always wanted.

This is exactly what I am thinking.
Our media has influenced what women think marraige is about.
The perfect wedding, white dress(in reality it stands for purity, but lets face it...most arent virgin weddings)
I've been looking for a women to say this...thanks.

I dont think its that important. If you love someone, getting married shouldnt matter. Its just a piece of paper. But if it happens, great. I think the obession with it is stupid. It should be something both people do if they both feel its a step they want to take. But it shouldnt break the relationship if one or either dont want it.

I agree.
To me its the ultimate commitment and should be for life.
I see all too much divorce and cheating these days...seems like there's too much temptation out there?
I don't know.

Either way, I am convinced that there's a media marketing campaign behind the idea of marriage.
Just like everything else today, if there's a way to manipulate people and make money...it is corrupted.

Thanks jess...

Yes, but I'm betting the women who are saying this have more life experience (aren't necessarily older, there is a difference)....and are already more grounded, so yes, it isn't as important to them (and they've probably already had a wedding, etc.

The younger women though, who still have that dream wedding locked in their hearts...that's where the issue will arise. I was fortunate enough to be able to cobble enough together, wheel and deal, etc. enough to put together a pretty decent wedding for us. We both did a lot ourselves, but even still, spent way too much money (including quite a bit on deadbeats who rsvp'd, but then didn't come, and worse, didn't even then send a gift or card...how tacky).

Still though, it was a wonderful day (despite some weather challenges).

Originally posted by Gazrok
Yes, but I'm betting the women who are saying this have more life experience (aren't necessarily older, there is a difference)....and are already more grounded, so yes, it isn't as important to them (and they've probably already had a wedding, etc.

Some. Jewelry just isn't my thing. Hate stuff on my hands - - and stuff dangling around my neck and ears.

My first husband insisted on getting me a diamond ring. I didn't care. I wore it but it annoyed me for the full 14 years we were married.

In my 2nd marriage - I don't wear a ring.

I'm a male. I think that women (as usual) get blamed a lot, when we have to try and talk "around" what is going on.


The true reason for refusing to marry is simply because you want to keep your options open. As long as you don't legally commit, you can leave with a lot fewer repercussions.

Giving a woman a ring (proposing) is a way of saying you trust her with something valuable; that you're not going to just abandon her when a supermodel asks you for directions to the train station. Basically that you'll be there for tomorrow, and every day after.

Refusal to marry is basically refusal to tie yourself to one person. A legitimate reason for either party to break off the relationship.

The thing is, most guys in "western culture" will not come out and tell a woman that she is ok to sleep with, but they have no intention of sticking around from then on. Since women are often ridiculed for wanting a permanent relationship, and men don't want to deal with the consequences of the fact that they intend to move on later....
...people use objects like rings to symbolize what they plan for the future.

Since people cannot be forthright about what they need and expect, they use objects to "test" each other, as the OP put it.

Think of it from the woman's perspective. If he says he loves you, but is unwilling to go to the trouble of saving up for a gift or a wedding, or even a surprise on your birthday, how is he ever going to "celebrate" anything else in life with you? If he won't scrimp and save for a wedding ring, do you really think he'll be willing to support you while you go to law school? If your emotional needs are not worth a portion of his annual income... do you honestly thinks he will personally invest in your happiness as a spouse?

Writing her a love song gets the point across just as well. But then, the guy usually can't to that, either.

Two years into the relationship, he will ignore her and play video games all evening. She wasn't worth a ring, and then isn't worth paying attention to, later. And he isn't even man enough to admit it, to her or himself.

Originally posted by dr_strangecraft
I'm a male. I think that women (as usual) get blamed a lot, when we have to try and talk "around" what is going on.


The true reason for refusing to marry is simply because you want to keep your options open. As long as you don't legally commit, you can leave with a lot fewer repercussions.

Giving a woman a ring (proposing) is a way of saying you trust her with something valuable; that you're not going to just abandon her when a supermodel asks you for directions to the train station. Basically that you'll be there for tomorrow, and every day after.

Refusal to marry is basically refusal to tie yourself to one person. A legitimate reason for either party to break off the relationship.

The thing is, most guys in "western culture" will not come out and tell a woman that she is ok to sleep with, but they have no intention of sticking around from then on. Since women are often ridiculed for wanting a permanent relationship, and men don't want to deal with the consequences of the fact that they intend to move on later....
...people use objects like rings to symbolize what they plan for the future.

Since people cannot be forthright about what they need and expect, they use objects to "test" each other, as the OP put it.

Think of it from the woman's perspective. If he says he loves you, but is unwilling to go to the trouble of saving up for a gift or a wedding, or even a surprise on your birthday, how is he ever going to "celebrate" anything else in life with you? If he won't scrimp and save for a wedding ring, do you really think he'll be willing to support you while you go to law school? If your emotional needs are not worth a portion of his annual income... do you honestly thinks he will personally invest in your happiness as a spouse?

Writing her a love song gets the point across just as well. But then, the guy usually can't to that, either.

Two years into the relationship, he will ignore her and play video games all evening. She wasn't worth a ring, and then isn't worth paying attention to, later. And he isn't even man enough to admit it, to her or himself.

WOW! I like you alot

A second factor in the tradition of "the ring" in America is social class.

While it varies by country, in the USA divorce is tied to lower education and lower social class (speaking in broad generalities of the entire population).

Divorce in the US is also 60% more likely for couples who lived together before marriage. (source ).

One theory is that 'respect for traditional marriage' is tied to a better statistical likelihood for successful marriage. But as the source I cited points out, there has been no methodology developed for testing the idea.

I mention this because in the US, a jeweled ring is often seen as part of "a traditional wedding," which seems to have better long term prospects for success. Thus a groom who doesn't want to buy a ring might be seen as more cynical than one willing to jump through the conformist social hoops on the way to the nuptial bower.

reply to post by Annee

ditto

Honestly, some of the men on here have so much negative baggage towards women. "Men are logical and women are emotional." ??? Sweeping generalizations much? If it's obvious a man doesn't have respect for women, the good ones are going to run the other way.

I only insisted on getting a wedding ring after I'd already been married a year. The issue is, men were hitting on me a lot (because men around here don't tend to look for a ring before they come on to a woman) and when I was telling them I was married, they didn't believe me, because the silver ring I was wearing didn't look like a "real" wedding ring. (It was just a ring that I had bought myself some years before.) I don't like being harassed, yelled at, or called racist by men for not responding well to their advances. So, I found an antique ring for much less than we could afford, and worked part-time for three months so I could pay for half of it from my own wages. My husband still did not understand why it was so important to me, but he could see that it mattered to me, so he paid for the other half. I love my little antique diamond ring. It is a symbol of our commitment. Although, it is more a symbol to show other people than to us, because we were committed years and years before we got married.

If you two are going to break up over the size of a diamond, then it was not meant to be. Marriage is something you should be absolutely sure about before you do it.

Originally posted by RRstl1000
Im not a women but the following tends to pretty accurate imo.

Men are logical, woman are emotional. Men act on what makes sense, woman rely on how they feel about something. It's just how it is. Too bad we can't coexist and embrace these attributes more effectively... This world would probably be be a much more peaceful place.

edit on 24-3-2011 by RRstl1000 because: (no reason given)

Not to sound hostile, but my own personnel observations blow your assertions out of the water. The first observation I noticed is that my dad and my sister from a personality perspective are nearly identical. So identical when I get annoyed with my sis I just call her by my dads name(those two can't stand each other because of their similarities).

I have also noticed that society expects men to be rational and women to be emotional. Most people are good little sheep(even those here) and tend to do as society dictates they must. Me personally I can't be one without inherently being the other. I deny one and the other refuses to function properly.

As for the OP, the ring thing is dieing down for two reasons: 1) younger women are richer then younger men(younger women make more per hour then younger men of Gen Y. Think it is as much as a 1.25$ per hour wage gap), 2) fewer people are getting married. And 3) guy's are starting to see through the scam and ladies are starting to view them as pretentious to a certain degree.
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btw I am a guy and only responded because the guy I responded to was being an @$$#@t. The rest is to stay on topic so I don't get deleted and lose more points. I tread too close to the edge as is lol.