A question for all females on ATS. Bear with me...About marraige.

This entire thread is a response to my last (ex) girlfriend of a few years.
I'll sum up the relationship like this:
We went out a few times when we were younger, but met up years later and got serious.
So everything was going fine until I got the relationship test.
Well, that's what I call it.
She wanted a ring...and an enormously expensive one at that.

So, all females who actually read this:
Why is there an obsession with a ring?
Do you have to have an item that shows that your man 'has' you for life?
Is it just western customs/ideals?
Is it merely the product of women who are blasted the ideas of consumerism and materialism by watching the television and actually basing their lifestyle choices on what 'it' tells you?
I am honestly stumped.
Don't get me wrong, I am all about pleasing a woman and making her happy.
But to me, you can't purchase happiness.

Anyways, it was the deal breaker for me.
Put it simply, she picked it out and it was way over my budget.
And I don't even think that a relationship should ever be based on material items.

But then again, I am against the entire idea of registering a marriage.
I believe that marriage should be held in the presence of God(at a church).
No need for government to tell you, "You need a license".
So that's a whole other conspiracy...

I seriously think that the television is ruining normal relationships.
Well that or maybe I just need to stay single.
Because apparently my ideals are definitely not what women want.

I just want companionship, with no pressure to buy happiness!
I already have a dog...That's what one woman told me.
Really I just want a nice girl to wake up to.

Is that too much to ask?
Please give me the females perspective so I can figure this out.

Maybe it's you that is obsessed with rings..... I never met a girl that actually wanted to get married...

Probably you're living in the US where status, money and hypocrisy are more important than anything else.

Im not a women but the following tends to pretty accurate imo.

Men are logical, woman are emotional. Men act on what makes sense, woman rely on how they feel about something. It's just how it is. Too bad we can't coexist and embrace these attributes more effectively... This world would probably be be a much more peaceful place.

Is it just western customs/ideals? Is it merely the product of women who are blasted the ideas of consumerism and materialism by watching the television and actually basing their lifestyle choices on what 'it' tells you?

That's basically it. Find a girl from a different part of the world and you'll see it's not quite the same.

reply to post by havok


She shouldn't be asking you for a ring, you should want to give one to her.

You shouldn't be worrying about the price and she shouldn't care about the price either.

Rings don't matter anyway, love does. The ring is a symbol of your love for her.

If it were love it may have played out more like this: You feel that you can't live without her, so you buy her a ring (within your budget). She feels that she can't live without you, so when you give her the ring, she is totally thrilled that you bought her one.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be."

Ok First off I have been married now for 6 years. To a woman a ring is a symbol of committment, a symbol of a man's want of her and to some woman it's a symbol of love. The bigger the rock the more you love her.Well I don't buy into to that BS of rock= love. If a woman loves you she won't care what ring you get her.My husband proposed to me with a gumball machine ring.He didn't have a lot of money but he wanted to show me that he wanted to be with me and no one else. Some of my friends called him cheap, but it was the thought that counts. My wedding ring is not a diamond but a heartshape ruby set in silver. It cost like a hundred bucks but its the most valuable item, to me, I own.My advice to you is to know that ring is an important symbol to a woman, you just need to find one that cares more about you than her jewelry. Not all woman are materialistic. You need to find one who suits your income.

Originally posted by flyingviolet
reply to post by havok

 

She shouldn't be asking you for a ring, you should want to give one to her.

You shouldn't be worrying about the price and she shouldn't care about the price either.

Rings don't matter anyway, love does. The ring is a symbol of your love for her.

If it were love it may have played out more like this: You feel that you can't live without her, so you buy her a ring (within your budget). She feels that she can't live without you, so when you give her the ring, she is totally thrilled that you bought her one.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be."

Yes! Couldn't have said it better. Those things just fall into place if it's suppose to happen or if the right feelings are there. She is probably feeling a void of some sort and is trying to FILL that void. Even some of the most level-headed, experienced people think that void they are feeling is not being married. When most of the time it's a problem within the relationship. Some people stay together forever without marrying, but that's because all of the dynamics are there. Trying to force marriage means there are some sort of insecurities. At least that's my opinion.
I'd LOVE to get married someday. And I'm hoping sooner than later. But I will NEVER ask a man for a ring.
Women like to feel special and wanted. I think down the road, she will become bitter that she was the one who did the asking for the ring.

Originally posted by flyingviolet
reply to post by havok

 

She shouldn't be asking you for a ring, you should want to give one to her.

You shouldn't be worrying about the price and she shouldn't care about the price either.

Rings don't matter anyway, love does. The ring is a symbol of your love for her.

If it were love it may have played out more like this: You feel that you can't live without her, so you buy her a ring (within your budget). She feels that she can't live without you, so when you give her the ring, she is totally thrilled that you bought her one.

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be."

Yes! Couldn't have said it better. Those things just fall into place if it's suppose to happen or if the right feelings are there. She is probably feeling a void of some sort and is trying to FILL that void. Even some of the most level-headed, experienced people think that void they are feeling is not being married. When most of the time it's a problem within the relationship. Some people stay together forever without marrying, but that's because all of the dynamics are there. Trying to force marriage means there are some sort of insecurities. At least that's my opinion.
I'd LOVE to get married someday. And I'm hoping sooner than later. But I will NEVER ask a man for a ring.
Women like to feel special and wanted. I think down the road, she will become bitter that she was the one who did the asking for the ring.

Well... I'm on my second, and last marriage. My first one, no ring. He didn't have the money, and that was ok with me. I'm honestly now thinking I really didn't want to have a symbol that I was with him anyway, as he was an A**. I was young and dumb.
This time, I told him I did not need a ring, but he bought me one anyway, and gave it to me when he actually asked. I did not pick one out, he did it all by himself. It is what most women would consider small, but you know what matters to me? He picked it out himself. I didn't care about getting one, because I loved him. You are right, there are too many women out there worried about having a man show his love with "things". Maybe I'm old fashioned, but you want to show me you love me? Rub my back, cook dinner once in a while, tell me I'm beautiful, things like that. Oh, or let me have a kitten when you really don't like them!

Don't worry, we may be rare, but there are women like me out there, that aren't all about the money, and when you find her, she'll love you like crazy!

You don't need material things to prove your love for each other. Words and actions are what matter.

I will admit that I was absolutely delighted when my other half proposed to me and produced a beautiful ring with it. The thing that is special about my ring to me is that I never would have asked for one. Yet he went and got it specially made for me. Wasn't expensive (I woulda gone mad if it was ) but it was personal. It's silver and has a celtic design to it with a blue topaz stone. I even got to meet the little old Austrian man who made it by hand in his workshop
My point is that I wouldn't have needed it to know he loved me and would never have dreamed of demanding one either.
On the other side of the argument though, some people see it as a way to show the world they are commited to someone else and are proud of it

The girl you described though... well. She seems more interested in having some 'bling' to show off to her mates than the actual meaning such a piece of jewellery represents.

reply to post by havok


Everything you said is exactly why I don't have relationships.
I have come to view women and money as being associated with each other.
There is a small percent that aren't like that but with these kind of odds....I would rather be alone.

When I first met my husband, he had just put a deposit on his house. He asked me to get engaged and took me to Guernsey (a small tax free island off UK) to buy a ring. Knowing he had probably just paid a big deposit for his house, I picked out a £40 ring even though he said i could have what I want. That ring still means more to me than any other piece of jewellery he has ever bought me since.
It really is not about the money...you will know when you meet the right girl...because the love between the two of you will be the only thing that matters!

Good Luck in finding her.

Every girl is different. Was she like that in the beginning or just with the ring? She probably just got overly excited and carried away. You don't even need to get married to show you love someone. Its funny because you see all the time " if we don't get married then I can't be with you and I need to move on" lol I don't get it..Marriage is completely overrated. I also don't believe in marriage under God. I mean seriously, I don't even think marriage was invented then. I give you best wishes on finding a non materialistic girl. They are hard to find. If she can't appreciate what little she has now then she will never be happy. I don't have much but I have more than what homeless do; food,shelter, clothing and a few nice things.

If she loved you she'd have married you without a ring and a "power wedding" . Consider yourself blessed that you didn't find out that the ring you could afford wasn't good enough after the wedding. She's out there. She may not be a bombshell so look deep, ok? Men always want the little starlet look alike who can't think beyond which cute pair of shoes she's going to wear for the day. Not that attraction isn't important in the grand scheme of things, but a sharp mind and a good sense of humor will carry your relationship a lot further than dolce and gabbana and a hefty dose of botox. Choose wisely. And good luck.

reply to post by no special characters


I live in the US, I'm female and those things are not the most important things to me. Maybe I'm rare, but I hope not for the OP's sake ; )

Good riddance to her!

Second line.

reply to post by DrumsRfun


The whole concept of marriage is for deranged people. Fact that most of them end in divorce in western countries and that you are making promises you can't keep (statistically) Then the whole financial thingy where men pay their wives...

You really have to be an idiot to get married as a man. I've been with the same girl for years and we both feel sad for people that need a paper to "proof" their loyalty. Of course if you have kids is simply cheaper to get registered by marriage than to get a lawyers draw up all the things needed that are done automatically when you marry.

Another reason why to hate the government

So, all females who actually read this:
Why is there an obsession with a ring?
Because it can be pretty and sparkly? lol no but really the reason I started pushing on getting married is because my (now) husband and I had been together for over 8 years and my family kept nagging. My sister got married after only being with her now husband for 3 years and I was next in line age wise....my grandparents had the nerve to ask me how much longer I was going to be living in sin. So yeah, my push was family pressure. They didn't see that we had a relationship that lasted longer than some marriages and were happy as we were. ...after the engagement it was all about planning the party...errr wedding. BTW we're not all materialistic...my ring was somewhere between $40-$80 and I still love it.

Do you have to have an item that shows that your man 'has' you for life?
no, I never think of the ring....in fact it's slipped off before and I didn't notice for a few days. I did appreciate that he committed to me in a way that I could show or prove it there was need to.

Is it just western customs/ideals?
Probably.

Is it merely the product of women who are blasted the ideas of consumerism and materialism by watching the television and actually basing their lifestyle choices on what 'it' tells you?
There are also a ton of wedding shows, take WE tv for example, my fair wedding, bridezillas, amazing wedding cakes...I'm sure there is another one but I avoid that channel now. It's also brought up a bit in movies and advertising. Most females don't want to end up old an alone so it might be a timing pressure on her that caused her to put pressure on you. Also...are a lot of her friends married, single or engaged? If most of her friends are married or engaged she might want to speed things along to be one of the group. I know a few times ad's got me down feeling like no ring meant I'm not worth it but then I realized that's crazy because ending the relationship would mean I wasn't worth it.

Havok I only read to the point where her test was the size of the ring...

RED FLAG THERE to RUN!

I am female and I wouldnt care if my man gave me a cracker jack ring, it's the gesture and meaning behind the ring and what it means. It isn't about the size. The size thing is just to show off!

I am also not above CZ rings...


Any women IMO that has issues with the ring size should be ditched asap. What does that say about them as a person really? To me it shows they are shallow. I remember when I worked at Gordons Jewelers and how the women would complain about the size after their man spent HOURS picking out a ring and being all excited. It always made me sick to see.

Originally posted by DrumsRfun
reply to post by havok

 

Everything you said is exactly why I don't have relationships.
I have come to view women and money as being associated with each other.
There is a small percent that aren't like that but with these kind of odds....I would rather be alone.

Yeah and these women annoy me personally!

I am so not like any of this and it drives me insane to see women act like this and guys put up with it..


A friend of mine his deal breaker with his fiance was she didn't cry during Titanic. He said if she can't show any emotion even in that movie then she isn't someone he wants to be married to. I still think that is the best story ever!