My flaws seem to be ruining my relationship :(

Just my opinion here. If she is noticing the missed spots on the carpet after you had to convince her to let you try, that seems to be a red flag to me. I'm not there to see her real reaction, so it's hard to tell. Is it possible she was teasing about the missed spots?

Is it at all possible you're making a mountain out of a mole hill? needlessly worrying?

Thanks for all the replies guys, it seems the common theme is to be myself, which is definently something I have not been doing, and therefore I have been screwing up things much more than I normally would. Because of my feelings for this girl, I guess Ive been over competitive and trying to be the best boyfriend she's had, where I should just think that Im already a winner actually having the privilege to be in a relationship with her.

Originally posted by Exuberant1

*And for 'sake man, don't cry. If you must cry, do it alone somewhere and don't tell anyone. Seriously.

Why not?

It was hard enough for me to actually write it here. I dont want to hold back anything because it wont give anyone a realistic picture of whats actually happening, and it will make it harder for people to help

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
Im not usually the one to post my relationship issues anywhere, but in this instance I really need some advice, as my flaws and imperfections seem to be putting a tremendous strain on my relationship. Out of every relationship Ive had with anyone, I want this one to work more than anyone. Its a hard thins to explain when you have feelings so strong about someone, but Im sure some of you understand what i mean

I understand completely

I have to be honest with you all, because I know Im not the greatest or most perfect person in the universe, so the following are some of the issues that have been frustrating my girlfriend for the last week or so

Nobody us perfect remember that.

- Im not clean enough. For example, she is a complete neat freak, which in my opinion is a good thing. However, after I cleaned up our garden the other day I offered to vaccum the house so she could relax a bit, and after some gentle persuasion that I could do a good job I got to it. And yep, I screwed up, missed a few spots.

Oz I am a neat freak as well so I know where you are coming from. My ex years ago called me the "shuffler" because he said I shuffled things around and I told him I was just putting it in its place lol

You missing a few spots trying to help her out shouldn't upset her. I would let her know that you don't have the cleaning habits she does, my ex did. I preferred to clean myself anyway.

- I have trouble trying to say things to her. For example, due to my past (not going public with that stuff just now), I have issues with how I say things. Sometimes, the tone of my voice and the way in which I present certain words can be taken as being derogatory.....I dont mean it obviously, but there's no excuse for it, and we are both tired of me saying sorry.

This I can understand too, I have a tendency to say things and they always come out wrong and can be taken the wrong way. I am horrible at telling someone how i feel.

Are you saying mean things to her? Or is it just random sarcastic stuff? If you feel like you might say the wrong thing think about it first count to 5 and then say it. I have had to do this many times. I have a pretty sharp tongue when I want to...

- I take things to heart to often. How do I not do this? Is it my own fault for letting stuff get to me? Im really confused about this, and I feel like a real week person for actually admitting that I shed tears a couple of times. That has never happened to me before...I just dont cry

Awe Oz tears are normal even for a guy. You take things to heart because you care! If there are things that are getting to you, you should talk to her about it. I swear talking to her about these issues is who you need to talk to. I know it may suck or be hard, believe me I am horrible at bringing this kind of stuff up. I sound like Im saying random words that make no sense but it really does help to talk to the other person.

- Im think too much sometimes and dont think enough other times. For example, I tend to dwell on mistakes Ive made, and my past, rather than look to the future. And other times I simply dont think and stuff things up. I need advice on how to get the median, because Im really having trouble.

Oz I am an overthinker as well and do the same thing. It sucks I know. I have had to teach myself from not overthinking everything and reliving everything that has happened to me and try and figure out what happened or what went wrong. I have learned that i can't change the past, I just have to go for the future. It is hard believe me because I LOVE to analyze myself and situations.

I still do these things but not as much because I knew I had to stop because I was worried it would ruin my realtionships in the future. I just kind of snapped out if one day and when I find myself dwelling on something I just tell myself to stop, sounds silly but for me it works.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? I love this girl to bits, and I want to do everything I can to not put unnecessary stress on her. She is good to me, and I need to sort myself out.

Yes been there I know how you feel. I would definitely talk to her Oz. Tell her that you need to discuss these things, I am sure she would talk if you feel it's stressing her out. Communication really does work. Just let her know how you feel about her and the things you feel are an issues. You two have to figure out a way to make it work and only you two can do that since it is your relationship. I don't usually give advice about relationships because every single one is different and I dont know their circumstances so I usually stay out of it but you are a friend and helped me through my relationship issues and I know how much you like this girl and I want to see you two work out and be happy. I don't want you to feel this way. So my only suggestion as small as it is is to talk to her. Sit her down and have a talk.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


my friend......

relax relax

just tell her once in a while you love her

you'll be surprised just the mere simple things in life always puts a sparkle in a woman's eye

Originally posted by bkaust
I
But, if all she has to have a go at you about is cleaning - she should count herself a lucky woman! She's still with you, so she either doesn't see your flaws so obviously, or she does, and she's willing to work past it with you - what you are describing though, not only sounds like me, but A LOT of people I know in committed relationships. If it were all roses, it'd get a little boring! ;p

Well, she did say that Im lucky that she already hasnt left. Any other guy and she wouldve dissapeared by now, because she's put up with a lot of BS in the past. Im grateful she has stuck with me so far. Say a lot about someones character IMO

Also your flaws she is suppose to love and accept

Originally posted by bluemirage5
reply to post by OzWeatherman

 

I think you should print this post out, put it in an envelope, draw a heart on it and leave it next to her pillow

Great idea Mirage, but I dont really want her to know about this...for a few reasons

I did send her something off earlier which I will be willing to share via u2u only....because its embaressing, lol

Originally posted by Whateva69
Crikey Oz you sound like my husband. She needs to let it slid of her shoulder and just ignore you, as I do to my husband 50% of the time. I don’t know what you can do about this, I point it out to my husband all the time. But he still does it .
Just try and put more love into your words. Think of how much you love her before speak.

Half of the time I swear my husband would be better of being single. Well I threaten him with it all the time lol

Lol

I think its more that I blow it out of proportion rather than anything else, and thats where my major fault is. She has given me a number of chances though....I give her credit for that. I know she still loves me even though Ive blown some of those chances too

reply to post by OzWeatherman



NOTHING should embarrass you when it comes to the serious matter of love

just enjoy the ride

Originally posted by hhcore
Just my opinion here. If she is noticing the missed spots on the carpet after you had to convince her to let you try, that seems to be a red flag to me. I'm not there to see her real reaction, so it's hard to tell. Is it possible she was teasing about the missed spots?

Is it at all possible you're making a mountain out of a mole hill? needlessly worrying?

Well, if you had seen my old house you would have understood her point of view. Basically my ex and I shared it and she did nothing, and i did all the housework. When she left I let it go to hell, so understandibly, my current gf was less than impressed with my lack of effort there. I was just trying to help her out and I kind of didnt do a job to her standard...but it was probably me making a mountain out of a mole hill that made things worse than what they shouldve been

reply to post by OzWeatherman


Oz, if she is a neat freak and wants to do the majority of the cleaning because it won't be up to her standards otherwise, then let her. If she wants it up to her standards and yet is insisting that you help, then, she needs to get a grip and understand that you are not her and will do it to your absolute best ability, but may not be able to be perfect about it. Then, she either accepts your effort or not, and you don't do it again for her. Clean up after yourself at all times, don't make the mess worse for her, but don't try to do it her way. I know from experience that you won't succeed and then will feel bad about it.

I agree with the other posters that you two need to be blatantly open with each other, relate to each other your needs and desires, needs being the most important, and reach a compromise about what is acceptable, what is tolerable and what will no longer occur. This needs to be done asap, as her telling you that you are lucky she hasn't left yet is her way of saying that it is currently on the agenda for the future. If it helps, since this will be a very important conversation, make notes. Sit down, write it all out, do edits, etc, and then either read from it or condense it down to bullet points and go from there. It might sound and feel silly, but it will give you time to get your thoughts together and will help you to stay focused.

She can't run away when she isn't blissfully happy as that will just leave her always alone. You cannot change yourself into someone you are not. Even if you are temporarily successful you will eventually resent her for changing your inherent nature. It sounds like you both have past issues in relationships (honestly, who doesn't?) and you need to find a common ground. It shouldn't just be you changing. You must both compromise.

Good luck to you and I hope you keep us posted.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman

Originally posted by Exuberant1

*And for 'sake man, don't cry. If you must cry, do it alone somewhere and don't tell anyone. Seriously.

Why not?

It was hard enough for me to actually write it here. I dont want to hold back anything because it wont give anyone a realistic picture of whats actually happening, and it will make it harder for people to help

Ignore that comment Oz, I can respect a man that cries, most women do! I think if anything, it shows reals balls - a real man isn't afraid to show emotion when it matters & only the ones with insecurities & fear of being vunerable would act like crying is something that should be kept to themselves and behind closed doors.

reply to post by OzWeatherman


You got it Ozman just be yourself go with the flow, she is just as lucky to have someone like you.Just be carefull not to put her on a pedastal, I get a feeling you have been hurt in the past and in this relationship you are trying harder and maybe seeing problems where if you take a step back the problems are not really there.

Hey - I didn't know I had a long lost brother in OZ!

Heff and others have some good thoughts regarding not dwelling too much on negativity.

Like I should talk, after having just thrown myself a pity party on here the other day LOL.

Do you know anyone who has similar circumstances? I was just out with a friend who seems to have similar problems to me - it is good to speak with someone who 'gets' what you are talking about or has sim problems.
Be careful though - even such people don't want to hear whining too much. No one does - I think - so me - I tend to let things build up. Probably a fault of mine.

I find it kind of manipulative that your GF says you are lucky to have her. And she seems to be ordering you around and picking out your flaws.

Are you sure its *you* who has issues? She sounds insecure and a control freak.

Also - how long have you been with this woman? I seem to remember reading about you breaking up with someone just a short time ago. Did you maybe jump into this too fast? I of course am highly paranoid of people, so. It might bear thinking about though - maybe your feelings aren't so much *for her* - but that you just *want a relationship* ? Again, I am very wary of people and over think things so take what I say in that light also.

One last thought that just popped into my mind - maybe you just need to spend less time together?

Originally posted by mblahnikluver
Also your flaws she is suppose to love and accept

That is true

But I think the main issue is me blowing things out of proportion rather than the actual flaws....now that I see it from a different point of view, thats highly likely the main issue

I hope that you understand where I am coming from on this issue, as I was in a similar boat for 8 years.

When you begin to doubt the way that your acting, or the things that you are doing. You are in fact showing that you are not really sure who you are. By second guessing, or not feeling "good" enough. You are in fact showing even yourself that someone can make you second think who "you" are.

Being in a good relationship is hard, because at least one person (most of the time) is not being genuine in who they are. From reading your post, you know "exactly" who she is. Now only that you have excepted her, and love her, and you are showing that by being concerned more about her happiness then yours.

What do I mean by that? Well, If you loved or excepted who YOU are, there would be no worries, she would brush it off, because the same way you can say she's a "neat freak", she would understand that you are not, and the fact that you even tried says alot about the person that you are. Which from what I read, is "Well he's not the best vacuum cleaner", but he damn sure tries.

My advice would be to let her know your concerns.. all of them, and how it hurts you. We all have baggage its part of growing, and of life, when we are adults we can no longer blame our parents, or first g/f b/f, or any friend for that matter. When you see who YOU truly are, and it may take some time to make that assessment, you can then put the same cards on the table, and offer what you can, and not beyond.

Love is a word, but unconditional love is an action, many do not see it that way anymore. I cannot and will not change for anyone anymore. It took me years to get back my self esteem, and I'm still going through the motions. Maybe one day I can find someone for me, that will except and appreciate me, because I except and appreciate myself.

When you find out who you are, the concern for outdoing yourself for another, wont register, because you will know that you've done your best.

Good luck to you,
NRE.

Originally posted by bkaust

Originally posted by OzWeatherman

Originally posted by Exuberant1

*And for 'sake man, don't cry. If you must cry, do it alone somewhere and don't tell anyone. Seriously.

Why not?

It was hard enough for me to actually write it here. I dont want to hold back anything because it wont give anyone a realistic picture of whats actually happening, and it will make it harder for people to help

Ignore that comment Oz, I can respect a man that cries, most women do! I think if anything, it shows reals balls - a real man isn't afraid to show emotion when it matters & only the ones with insecurities & fear of being vunerable would act like crying is something that should be kept to themselves and behind closed doors.

Thanks Bkaust

Also exuberant, I dont believe in "laying down the law"...she's my equal, not my property or an animal which I can boss around, or a child that needs to be told off for having attitude. Some day I want this girl to be my wife, not a personal possesion.

Maybe we have different opinions of how we should treat women, but thats not my way

Hehe, sounds like you're married already.

Welcome to hell my friend, welcome to hell.

Just try not to take things seriously and don't worry about it so much.

Oh, and try not to yell too often, I know it's really hard to avoid but it will make things suck even more.

Grab your stick and marshmallows and roast them upon the blaze.


A sense of humor will be your saving grace, embrace it.

well..for me you sound like a good person ..

and if you where allways like this...why change?

i never will change my personality for someone else again..

that also dont make you happy ...

if she dont like your behavior anymore...you should think about if its worth to go on