My Mother-In-Law passed

She had a quadruple bypass last year, and shortly after, had gone into a coma for about six months. She passed on Valentine's Day. She will be missed. She went peacefully, in her sleep, and at least is no longer suffering. In addition, my wife and other loved ones never had to make that decision on whether or not to terminate life support.

As my wife is her only child, we've been heavily involved in planning the funeral....something I've never done before. It's amazing how much is involved in doing so. (and even more surprising that it's less expensive to be in a mausoleum than buried...about 2 grand less expensive)... Just...wow, if you've never had to do this...just a heads up that this is very time/emotion intensive. It's like planning a wedding in a few days, from scratch.

Definitely kind of served as a wake up call to my wife and I to think about pre-planning (and financing) such a thing...so wanted to pass along the advice.

I am very sorry for your loss.

reply to post by Gazrok


sorry to hear about that. It's amazing how expensive everything is. And there is no time to shop around, as if that would even be on most peoples minds. I think pre-planning is essential in keeping your loved ones from having to figure all that out.

In your experience, did the overwhelming task of the planning take your mind off of the loss a bit?
that's the only bright spot I could see on going through that.

I'm sorry for your loss..Positive vibes for you.

So Sorry for your loss. Appreciate you sharing with us and giving a heads up to members to plan ahead. Talking about what you and your loved ones want with regard to living wills, long term care, and funeral plans helps a great deal when issues come up for real.

Please accept my condolences.
It really can make one's head spin, especially as one often has to interact with all those people who cared for the departed loved one.
All that on top of all the logistical and practical considerations that one has to deal with makes for a tough learning curve to say the least.
I found getting away from it all afterwards for a few days helped me and perhaps that might help you and your wife too.

reply to post by BruceWayne


The weird part is, we had just got back from a week-long cruise...our first week-long vacation since the honeymoon seven years ago!

We do plan on trying to go to a theme park soon, for a couple of days though.

In your experience, did the overwhelming task of the planning take your mind off of the loss a bit?
that's the only bright spot I could see on going through that.

I think so. But sometimes those same tasks (like sorting through pics) only brought up more emotional moments for my wife.

At least we didn't have to worry about the money aspect...her sister (my wife's aunt) is pretty loaded, and offered to pay most of the costs....and her partner (my wife's mom was later gay and with the same woman for over 26 years) paid the rest. Just that as the law doesn't recognize such partnerships, my wife, as the only daughter, had to sign a lot of the paperwork...though we were cool with honoring all of their wishes.

I am truly sorry for your and your wifes loss, i am also excited for the Mum in law as she is going to the next adventure.
Best of wishes on you and yours.

Going through belongings can be tough. I found it very hard to touch my mother's personal belongings for a long time. Especially things like reading glasses and shoes, things personally shaped by her.
The passing of time does help though and one does emerge from the strangeness of it all.
Oh, and try to keep your strength up. Try to eat properly. That helps a lot.

reply to post by BruceWayne


Yep, that's my job, keeping them fed. For the next few days too, we have friends alternating and bringing us dinner, so that was very kind of them. (nobody is in the mood to go out, or cook, etc.).

I've actually lost two grandparents within the last couple of years, so no stranger to loss lately. We had to go through the pics for the slide-show during the service, and clothes for what she'd be wearing in her casket..but yeah, there are no plans to look at other things anytime soon. I know Wendy will want some mementos, but really the furthest thing in our minds at present. Also had to select music, etc. so that was an emotional trip for them.

Money-wise, we assume everything will go to her partner of so many years (and she'll need it with the loss of income). They never hurt financially, or so we saw...but no telling what the situation is now, especially as unlike a spouse, her partner won't continue to get any kind of benefits, disability, etc. That's another worry for down the road...what she'll end up doing, and how she'll get by etc.

For me though, my wife is my primary concern.

It's good that you have a caring support network. It gets easier. It will never be the same, but it does get easier.

Strength and peace to you and yours.

reply to post by Gazrok


Gazrok long time on see, I am very sorry for your lost and I hope the transition will be an easy and peaceful one for you and your family. Your mother in law will always be remember by you and love ones on the day of her passing, valentines day. . . the day of love.

im condolences to you and your wife ..i know how hard it is losing a mother. as its hasnt been that long since mine passed on...

best wishes ..

reply to post by alysha.angel


Thanks. She's the first one of either of our parents to go, and I can't imagine what that's like for anyone. We almost lost her Dad not too long ago, but glad to see he got better.

Lost my mom when I was 5.You have my deepest sympathy for you and your wife It's never easy to lose somebody you love.On a lighter note I have decided to live forever since I can't afford to die.

reply to post by lonegurkha


No kidding, right? It's kind of forced my wife and I to consider financing and arranging this kind of thing earlier in life (I mean, I'm just knocking on the door of 40, so I'm not "old", but not a kid either)... The big kicker is that many don't realize the funeral and the burial (or entombment) are two completely different things, and often cost pretty similar (at least in our experience).

It's tricky because you'll see "package" pricing for the funeral, including casket, etc., but where the casket goes, is a whole different contract. I used to be a fan of cremation, but the idea of a crypt for me and the wife sounds better (especially as she doesn't want to be cremated).

reply to post by Gazrok


I wanted to be cremated until I found out that it costs almost as much as burial.I'm 56 so will have to save allot quick.

reply to post by lonegurkha


Exactly, you really don't save all that much....and, it's cheaper to be put in a mausoleum than buried! (due to the expense of the concrete vault needed for a burial these days)....

Most funeral homes I found will finance for 8 years. I'd hope you have more time than that left.

reply to post by Gazrok


Yeah me too.But in this world one never knows.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have lost both of my parents and my Father in Law. And my sister and I planned my mother's funeral, so I know what you mean. My husband and I are going to pre-plan.

My sympathies to you and your family.