Opening Up To My ATS Family

Many of you may ask why I'm pouring out my broken heart on a forum. Well, truth be told... I don't want to repeat my history. It seems I am doomed to exist with a broken heart. It's almost as if I am literally in hell. A hopeless romantic destined to meet women who swear to love, only to leave.

A brief history on my life: I was married once before. We were married for 4 years and had our ups and downs as all couples do. We both made some very awful mistakes. We were young and doomed so it seemed. She became abusive and began cheating in our 4th year. Soon she left me. I didn't leave her because I truly loved her. I believed in the best. You can call me an idiot. Not many people know what it means to be devoted for life. I'm only 30 but watching my parents endure for 36 years and still going has taught me a lot about sticking it out.

After she left, I met a woman and we dated for awhile. I became attached very closely to her. I was really good to her, but as I soon found out: Nice guys finish last. She crawled out my window one night and left town with a druggie. I have to laugh just because I know how it sounds. Regardless, I was left with a broken heart again.

My new fascination soon became social networks and chat rooms. I'm sure you all know where this is going...

I met a girl named Summer. At the time, I was a devout Christian. As she claimed to be also. We dated online and talked constantly for about 8 months. We prayed together, had bible studies together, etc. We began to seek God's approval for our relationship. People I didn't even know began to tell me God had told them my relationship was meant to be! Not just one person. I counted, as I was seeking confirmation. 22 people told me, including a pastor who I very much respected, that God had ordained my relationship.

Needless to say, she turned out to be fake. This resulted in the loss of my faith. I won't get into that, but I felt that if people couldn't really hear God, maybe he isn't real. That road was extremely painful.

After Summer, I went a couple years being single. Then I met another girl. Online. (I didn't learn my lesson. I paid for it.) She also turned out to be fake. Which resulted in my near death, as I consumed over 250 sleeping pills simply because I didn't want to be part of a world where people could do evil so intentionally.

The woman I'm with now was very upset with me. She told me over and over again that the relationship with that girl wouldn't work out. She tried diligently to convince me she was the right woman. I wouldn't give her the chance. I was actually too afraid of getting hurt. I suppose there was an element of online not being real and I knew it. But this woman was real, and I was afraid she would hurt me.

I went to the Army briefly and then when I returned home, I decided to give this girl a shot. She seemed determined and we were pretty much best friends at this point. We began dating almost 2 years ago. My insecurities from past relationships clearly had taken a toll on me. The worse thing, she often wanted to run now. I convinced her to stay more times than I can count. Ultimately, we worked through our issues for the most part, and decided to get married. I am madly in love with this woman. She has a daughter, (was pregnant when I got with her) and I have been raising her. This little girl is my world. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage as well.

We have had our constant struggle, mostly as a result of this little girls biological father. I don't like him, and part of our agreement was that I could adopt her when we were married. I'm also deeply insecure about this man, as she broke up with me once so she could consider being a family with him. She opted not to and chose me instead. The story is a bit long I suppose so I will just cut to the end.

Tonight we were having dinner and playfully talking, as we do every night. Soon she began telling me about this man's most recent choice to get arrested for DUI. I told her I was concerned about our daughter being with him, as he constantly makes poor choices. She became a bit defensive, as she typically does. So I asked her bluntly, "Do you see us being together for a long time?" She was quiet and then said no.

As if I walked into the Twilight Zone, this new woman emerged. Very cold. Very unemotional. She stated simply that she didn't want to be with me anymore. That she doesn't want to be married anymore. I pleaded my case in desperation as I deeply love her and our daughter. She said she didn't care and she wanted to be free.

If you have made it this far, I commend you. I'm sure I sound like a dumb@ss. I don't know what happened. 2 hours before our convo took a strange turn, she kissed me and told me she would love to marry me again. I'm deeply confused about what happened!

Here's me being realistic:
I am now facing endless nights of sadness. I won't see our daughter anymore. We had well established routines that I'm going to miss. I know what is coming. And to be perfectly honest, I do NOT want to face the oncoming days. Right now, life looks pretty horrible. I did consider suicide. Some people see it as a weakness, but I don't believe in religion. I honestly see that sometimes people are just too broke to go on. However, I know what such a thing would do to my family and daughters. So I won't do it. (I'm just being open with my thoughts and emotions right now)

I don't know why I'm opening up here. I'm subjecting myself to being flamed in an awful way. Hopefully though, you will see the pain I'm in. I'm losing yet another family. My heart is literally shattered and this time, I have no real idea why. I am not being arrogant when I say I strive everyday to be the very best husband to this woman. And our daughter lights up like you wouldn't believe when she sees me. I've missed the last few days of work so I could stay home and take care of her as she is sick.

Ok, I'm just rambling. ATS... help me.

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


Can you call someone?

Get a friend to come over or do you have any other family?

reply to post by _Highlander_


There are people concerned. This is what I mean though by I don't want to repeat my history. Women break my heart like it's a fad. I'm an easy target apparently. My family would be supportive, but the thing is... I don't need to hear the words I know they will say in an attempt to comfort me. Does that make sense? I'm really confused so I don't know...

As for friends, to be honest... I don't have many. My best friends are literally my brothers. All my other friends never grew up so we parted ways. Gotta stop the partying at some point...

It just sucks. It's the days ahead that I'm not looking forward to. When my eyes can't stay open, but I'm in too much pain to sleep. God I hate this road. How does one learn to stop letting people in?

Thanks for your concern. I really appreciate it.

well, i would hope no one would flame you.

women can be quite fickle (i thought of using another word/s there)

as a nice guy, yes, we do finish last. But...whats the alternative? be a total arse? no no.

you situation seems rough, but as you know it will get better with time ...pthbbb

the universe is telling you that u haven't found the right one yet.

and while there is no "God" like the bible says....there is something out there.....and it knows......

so hang in there....be nice, but don't be a pushover

try some new things that u normally would not do.....and i bet u find something spectacular


edit: just read your second post...DON'T not let people in........unless you are totally ok with being alone forever (and i don't think u are) i've been like that for 5 years now.....i wonder what i've missed.

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


I hate that road as well but you always come out the end of it, and then you find something that is worth it. You have had bad luck, but that does not mean your luck will always be bad.

reply to post by BadBoYeed


Your listed location is very profound in this moment... I feel MY world is "Suddenly Changing".

Thanks for your kind words. They do ring true. It's the getting to that part that I'm not looking forward to. Tonight, she is sleeping. We are apart for the first time in almost 2 years. I'm keeping my mind busy.

Thank you for taking the time to comfort another human being. It will not be forgotten.

Life can be extremely difficult sometimes, friend. very, very difficult. i know this very well. i think its easy to become disillusioned and jaded with every day life and start missing that every single moment we have alive is a gift, a miracle. So then, when something "bad" happens, it seems to really be a shock to our system. Not just because it is an extreme "valley" when one wasnt even experiencing "peaks" (the gift of life), but because of the nature of it. It is a blow, truly. however, it also allows us to see other things, things perhaps taken for granted, so much more clearly. i dont know what those things might be for you personally, but i certainly know what they were for me. it allowed me to experience and cherish every single moment of joy, of happiness, and the incredible gift of my own life (no matter the pain involved, i feel blessed to be able to feel anything in the first place). Such things deepened this ones experience. i never could have seen it at the exact moments of "despair," but given just a little bit of time, it all really does happen for a reason. Its an over-used cliche, maybe, but it rang true time and time again.

We can get through amazing trials, by putting our heart into our own life. then it seems to pour into others around us, known or "strangers." It is a thing of beauty, in my eyes. perhaps it can be in yours too

reply to post by sinohptik


I like your post. It's very deep and sincere. I believe in what you're saying. I just wish I had the strength to feel that hope... I'm sure you know how it is. In the midst of the storm all you see are the clouds. And to be honest, they're very overrated. lol

wow.... that really sucks in a really weird way. I wonder why she did that? that is very strange. Do you have any idea what would have made her do that? I mean I have left people (no family, no children, no marriage- just "relationship")... but I'm pretty sure that I had stated my reasons... probably screamed my reason THOUSANDS of times. If there had ever been any doubt as to why from my past boyfriends, I would be surprised (but kind of not surprised at the same time because, well, more than one seem to not be able to listen very well or something)

this sounds really terrible and I feel bad for the pain you must be going through right now.
i have been feeling blue myself over some things I am finding pretty difficult to deal with and it seems the only way I can deal with it is sort of go into a strange kind of denial...if that is indeed what I am going through. You don't seem to have that option. I do believe you should talk to people as well. I think you should just jump right back out there and find positive people to interact with and do not tell yourself "never again" because I know how painful that thought can be. You're trying to protect yourself but you really can't sometimes it seems. It's like life is sort of forcing you to have faith. You realize that you will drop your guard again... so why tell yourself that you can stop that from happening... unless you really think you can get by without the thought of wanting more.

I know this sounds easy coming from someone else, but it does not sound like she was the right woman for you. Are you *sure* she was that enthusiastic about you? You have to consider that she was pregnant when she got with you so are you so certain that she doesn't change her mind very fast like this a lot? It sounds like she might. I know you believe she was certain, but everyone feels certain in their certainty. that's just the way the ego is. Did you really consider that she knows all that she wants when she got with you pregnant? i mean really.... why don't you try to consider that? I know it may make you feel foolish perhaps to not heed signals but don't be so hard on yourself. It's better to feel kind of dumb than CURSED! You are obviously more willing than you want to be. Admit it and just jump back out there and consider that this new woman was just not ready to commit. She may have talked well and sounded very zealous, but the proof is in the putting. She sounds like a very confused person but I bet more than anything she will jump right back out there and find someone else. Maybe you should do the same and allow yourself plenty of time to make mistakes. Just keep trying.

Now... all I want to know is why didn't the one who went out the window use the door? Was she otherwise not allowed to leave?

Originally posted by ChaosMagician
Now... all I want to know is why didn't the one who went out the window use the door? Was she otherwise not allowed to leave?

Well, here's the thing... I will respond to as much of what you said as I can, but first I must reply to this, as your question did make me laugh.

She was trying to be sneaky. She told me she was going for a walk. In reality, she was making the calls. And she also put the dog house under the window so it wouldn't be as far a drop. ha ha She then proceeded to throw her bag out, and then make like a ninja and vanished. In my naive state of being, I thought she was going for a walk still and didn't pay attention to A. The curtains in an odd angle and B. My dog came back alone.

She later proceeded to tell me she just couldn't handle seeing the pain on my face so she decided to sneak away.

Funny story, however painful at the time. We are friends now, but she was still a... well, you get the point.



Regarding my wife:

Her dad has been married 7 times. She was married for 4 years previously and then they simply decided it wasn't working. She has talked about leaving multiple times, but then swears she never actually would. She broke down one night and said she is just scared of failing. This new attitude is not at all like her. It's as if the light in her eyes simply switched off.

When we first met, she wasn't pregnant. A month later, and after my attempted suicide, she got pregnant and had all but given up on me and was very upset at my dumb choice. They didn't work out. 3 months later, her and I were together.

Sometimes she has acted strange. But she is always "there" you know. Her eyes never looked like they did tonight. It was like a mask came off and this cold, hard woman was staring at me.

I'm sorry if I didn't answer all of your questions. I'm a bit overwhelmed still to be honest. I deeply appreciate your response though.

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


I can't stand hearing about someone who gives everything in their heart for somebody else, and they discard it like a used tissue. You are one of those people that are way better than they think they are. I have been in your situation before buddy and you gotta keep tellin yourself that.

Im from a town where everybody ends up f****n everybody before they are 20. It doesn't do me anygood to hear some stranger talk about how they railed the mother of my child before I met her. Makes you wanna jump in front of a train.

You gotta keep looking for something better. The search is what is important. Search well and you will find something worth your time.

I hope you can see that you are a valuable person and that you need to help us research the abnormal here on ATS. Take care of yourself friend, because nobody else can.

I think we've all been to the places that you have visited, and it can be tough. From the age of 18-21 I wallowed in depression and still battle it many times. When I am at my low points, music helps tremendously. Blues actually, it might sound counter-productive, but it provides what you seem to be seeking here. Companionship in misery.What the Germans call schaudenfreude. My recommendation is to get a glass of your favorite beverage, some headphones and get some blues. There will be some tears. There will be some unexplainable rhythms in your chest, buts its ok.

If you want some music recommendations just ask, I will see if youtube has some vids that i will embed here for you.

All in all, I am faced with two options. One of which I no I will not take, but we all do have the option. So I choose to live. The next step in that is that I have to face another day. Tomorrow will be extremely painful. Tomorrow, I get to watch my best friend leave, and take away a child that I cannot even begin to express how deeply I will miss. Hearing her say, "Dada!" when I first walk into her room and the playful growling she does when I crawl towards her. This is the most painful thought. And I know I will have to face it. And it is this pain that my heart will record. The pain of losing another child because someone else decided it's just easier to quit.

ATS, I am facing a very long, very painful road. A road that I too know, would be easier to just quit. I use to counsel people when I was an evangelist. I always told them, "Don't look too far. Take it one breath at a time..." In retrospect... that one breath is like breathing fire. It hurts. Beyond words.

This may sound silly... but I need this place.

Thank you all for your kind words. It means more than I will ever fully be able to express.

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


Eag...
I usually will not speak for others but I feel cofident in saying that we will be here for you. Send me a PM if you ever feel the need to. I will get back to you as soon as possible. I am sure others share the same sentiment. ATS truly is a community, and we are more importantly a family. We dont always agree or share the same opinions, but we are all here for the same reasons. Above all truth. The family is here man, dont be afraid to take advantage of us. Thats why we're here.

and the music will help

In my opinion, you need to shift focus from your relationships to work/creativity/research. I know it's so easy to say, but it is the actual escape from the emotional swamp you are in now.
I guess you have continuos sensations in the area above navel/solar plexus possibly mixed with bursts from chest to lower throat. You should deprive yourself of these emotions (if they are present), because they will do absolutely no good for you now. Try to get more feelings from below navel area by focusing on it. Also breath deeply.

This kind of emotional energy control will assist you in refocusing attention to other aspects of your life.

And please, never consider suicide. Always remember that you are the master of your experience.

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


Whatever happens.... Happens. Try to see whats up with her, it sounds like she still has feelings or wants to be with that other guy. I cant really say what you should do it's your life. But if its going to happen that you both part ways, it's better for it to happen now, then at some undisclosed time later when you don't expect it, and have put more time into your relationship with her, which she is not wanting to commit to 100%. And if she does not want to stay with you through whatever they say on the marriage contract thing, through thick and thin, till death do part, and all that. Then just let it go, it ain't worth it really..... But... I know, I know, no need to say it, easier said, then done. There I said it.

I can't believe she's gone. I forgot just how loud silence is. I don't feel strong enough to even more now. I watched her walk out the door with our daughter in her arms. A cold, distant statement leaving her lips, "I have to go." and then the deafening silence rushing in as the door closed.

Too many cliche sayings echo in my ears: "Time will ease your pain," "Don't give up," " Find a distraction to get your mind off of her"... but I don't have the strength to do anything but stare at the door, just praying she will walk back through and rush to me. She is stubborn though. I know it will not happen today.

To my surprise, I discovered she has been conversing with a friend from her past. Flirting strongly. I was far from surprised to find out, as I have never met a person who does a complete 180 without some form of reason. I don't know who the woman was who delivered the blow to me last night and just now. I have never seen her act so cold.

The coming days will be long and painful. I honestly don't know what to do. I sincerely appreciate all the support you all have given me. I think I will be leaning on ATS a lot for awhile. I never really thought this would happen again....

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


Your story is intresting, especially that part about that one chick that snuck out the window. And cant say how much truth or was left unsaid, in all that, nor do I care, if its all lies. But, if its even if it's even half truth and the chick you were with, left you. Then today is your lucky day my friend, so rejoice that she left, because she was just using you as a steping stone, as something to support her before she can move on.

Now forget all about her and her daughter, she ain't worth even thinking about. And try to not be such a nice guy, nice guy's finish last, or so they say, but they do have a habit of always being dependable and always being there trying to please, or finishing last as some say...... And chance's are that one day, something might go wrong for her, and then she would come looking for you again, make sure you got better things to do then deall with her leftover #. Lots of females will always come around looking for a piece of "love" when they cant find all the other piece's that they were looking for in the first place. So yes really, today is your lucky day you possibly just avoided a lifetime of catastrophe and heartbreak. It was fate that sooner or later it would of come to what it came to, And remember all that about fish in the sea, it's true.

reply to post by EagleTalonZ


I wish I could help you. I am going through a really bad time now too, not kidding. I don't want to go into detail about my life circumstances, but really it seems like the universe is screaming at me and throwing things at me and trying to drown me. I feel I am in a constant struggle and unfortunately my spouse is no help. I think he hates me, but he won't leave me, and I won't leave him. We have kids and I stay to keep up the act and hope they are ok until they are out on their own, bad idea some say, but I really can't see it going well any other way. Anyway, I just want you to know that I am hearing you and my heart is with you. This life can be so hard, but so beautiful too. I think I am able to hang in there because I always look for the beautiful and good and try to stay focused on that.

Prioritize best you can. Sounds to me that most of these woman have done you a favor. You need to focus on what matters most right now, that being your daughter/kids and yourself. You can always be there for your kids whether they're yours or not. Saying you will never see her again is you and your daughters decision not your wifes. Put in the effort to always be there for her, always tell her you love her and she will never forget you and will always want you in her life, this I know first hand.
The wifes situation can be difficult but something you will have to accept if you plan on moving forward with your life, easier said than done I know, do your best to stay positive as possible, everyday you'll feel different but hanging in the negativity is a slow death. There's also support groups you could explore, lot's of others going thru the same BS you are, may not hurt to at least check it out.