Funny Military stories: Share em!! NO BASHING!

I remember when I was on the Kitty Hawk we'd always mess with the Bootcamps/FNG's. I remember we had this one FNG that acted very cocky yet knew nothing. I was in the Pipe shop and contacted the Metal shop to set him up. What we did was take Brazing flux and broke open a marker dye and mixed it in with the flux so it had this bright green color to it. We told him it was special "Nuclear Flux" and he needed to take it up to the Metal shop. Since it was nuclear flux he had to put PPE on, we dressed him up in an old CPO suit, then an FFE had him put an SCBA on and gave him some long tongs to hold it with. After we got him all dressed up we sent him on his way, it was hilarious. He kept screaming for people to get out of the way he was carrying Nuclear Flux.

Now keep in mind it was dinner time and the aft mess decks were packed so a good 200 plus people ended up getting a good laugh. It did a great job of knocking him down a few pegs since if he really was the know it all he claimed to be he wouldn't have fallen for "Nuclear flux" Now channel fever shots was where the real fun was at.

I was out in the field in December. Cold as hell. We had this SGT who was a total tard. He looked like a ninja turtle in his gear. We were shooting all day and night. This guy was drinking coffee all day without drinking any water. I guess he got dehydrated from it and started getting cramps. Our truck was set up with a drawbridge between truck and trailor. He was trying to stretch himself out to get rid of th cramp. He slipped hit the drawbridge and it acted like a springboard flew him five feet up in the air and flew out and hit the mud. There was a total silence like did that just happen. My buddy was on the radio and he started laughing and that is when everybody just lost it. I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt the next day. He was stuck on his back in the mud looked like a turtle stuck on his back.

reply to post by Silverado292


Oh god I forgot those stories!!! I worked as a supply tech in an aviation unit up in Alaska, and when we got an FNG, we'd tell them to go to the SSSC (main source of supply on post if i remember right) to get a couple of rolls of flight line and cans of propeller wash. Man those poor guys...was funny as hell tho, but not when it was done to me when I first got there lol

reply to post by HomerinNC


Yup very true! We used to get people on Batteries for the sound powered phones or X amount of feet of gigline. When I was new they sent me out for 50 feet of Fallopian tube. I kept thinking when I was leaving the shop "fallopian tubes... that sounds familiar... HEY wait a minute!" I figured since they were in such a funny mood they wouldn't mind if a I took a few hours off. They sent me out at 1000hrs/10am and I came back at 1500/3pm, with a few of the girls I got to the ship with, and asked if it was enough tube.

My dad went to basic training (Air Force) in 1969 and at one point, "volunteers" were requested for an unspecified task. Given that it was Texas, and hot, he figured whatever they wanted would be better than what was planned for the squad (and we all know what happens when one "volunteers" during basic, right?) he ended up peeling potatoes, by hand, for days... Lol. It's a tame story (probably why he told that one to me) but I thought it hilarious. Peace and Happy New Year.

Originally posted by LucidStorm
My dad went to basic training (Air Force) in 1969 and at one point, "volunteers" were requested for an unspecified task. Given that it was Texas, and hot, he figured whatever they wanted would be better than what was planned for the squad (and we all know what happens when one "volunteers" during basic, right?) he ended up peeling potatoes, by hand, for days... Lol. It's a tame story (probably why he told that one to me) but I thought it hilarious. Peace and Happy New Year.

Funny story, and he was probably doing all the outside too. The name NAVY is actually an acronym for Never Again Volunteer Yourself

Some of the weird and wonderful games we used play were funny too.

Troops are dangerous when bored!

Ever had "soggy biscuit" anyone? (Yuck.. dont even ask for an explanation!). A game of "freckles"? This is where a troop squats and takes a dump in the middle of a table. Then troops put their noses on the edge of the table and someone splats the poo with a bottle. The troop with the most "freckles" wins.

Toss the midget.. It did not pay to be a shorty in my unit

Dambusters... This is where we would create an obsticle course with a bucket at the end. You would have a "loader" and a "bomber". The loader would "load" beer bottle tops between the bombers ass cheeks. The bomber would then negoitiate the obsticle course then drop his "load" at the other end. The one with the most bottle tops in the bucket wins.

EDA: And how could I forget the "dance of the flaming assholes"?

I will leave that to your imagination!

Wow.. so THIS is why I never signed up. Thanks for reminding me. Nice..thanks guys.. Always have a free drink in Tahoe when ya get here.

Had an uncle in the Artillery during Suez Crisis, so we are talking a long time ago, but he still tells us some funny stuff.

He said , one night he 'pulled stag' (Guard duty i think), and he hated doing it - long and boring apparently, he used to get a lot of menial and mind numbing jobs - more than his fair share.

Anyway,one night on stag, he hears really really strange grunting noises coming from the tent areas behind the shower, about 3 in the morning.

He said at first he thought it was the wild dogs that were there in the area fighting.

Anyway, he creeps up with his Rifle and sees two men , a Sgt **** and Private ******* engaged in .... well .... lets say they were being very, very friendly. (a big offence in those days.)

Seeing this, my uncle said to the sgt,words to the effect... 'my silence has a price'.....

He never had to do any guard duty/ menial jobs etc after that, always got first meals etc.

reply to post by HomerinNC


My personal favorite: I was a driver in the Army for LTC for a while in Germany. We were at a field exercise with our tank platoon. This Colonel was a real jerk. All the officers with drivers in that area called their drivers by their first names and there were some perks for being the officers driver. My Colonel only referred to me as "driver".
We had been setting on a hill overlooking a valley where tank drills were taking place. We had been there for hours and it had turned dark. As usual he had been out of the hummer rubbing elbows with the full and light birds on the hill. When he finally returned to the hummer, as I said it was dark, he instructed me to drive with my blackout lights only and he said "driver go left". Like I said, I had been sitting there for hours and had become quite familiar with my surroundings and I knew that there was a large ditch to my left. I respectfully informed him of that information and he repeated "driver, I said go left". I said "yes sir" upon which I promptly drove the hummer straight into the ditch. As we sat there nose down at a 45 degree angle after a moment of silence, the Colonel said " will this thing back out of here"? I said I don't know sir, I'll try. It did, but the lingering silence all the way back to the camp was priceless. Sweet revenge.
Seeashrink

all these storys are great i been wanting to write a book abot this and call it no sh!t there i was give the proceeds to wounded veterans cause too many of my friends are wounded vets and want to give back to them

Really good..... again.. thanks you Military people. All of you. I'm very proud you represent or represented us.
These stories SHOULD be in a book.

Can't wait to meet some of you... the others I don't want to meet? Back off.. I got the U.S. Armed Forces liking me.

Hehehehehe

Originally posted by blupblup
reply to post by gimme_some_truth

 

Point out to me where I bashed the military?

I didn't bash the military at all.... I made a statement and if anything, it was a criticism against the government.


If you read it that way, that's on you man....

Hmm... Point out to me what your statement has to do with the thread? How is it on topic? It's not.... And come on. Don't play games... You were bashing what our military is doing over in Iraq and Afghanistan and you know it...

I have an hilarious one.




Our troops are out in Iraq and Afghanistan to protect us.

Those are YOUR words. You said them.

You said what the military is doing over there is a joke.... You say it is a joke that they re trying to protect is.How is that anything other than a statement against our military??? Please feel free to let me know. And for the record. I actually completely agree with you... The thing is though. You were off topic and the OP specifically asked that no one do exactly what you did....

I am asking, show a little respect.... If you have a funny story to share about something you or a loved one experienced while in the military share it. Or perhaps make a comment about one of the stories shared so far.

Cowboy up, buddy. You are in the wrong... Admit it and move on... Or don't and move on... Either way we both need to move on because now I am starting to derail his thread. Something I do not wish to do.

To the OP, thanks again for sharing your stories. I apologize for posting rather off topic. Just trying to help you keep the thread on track.

Peace and love

I guess I don't have any hilarious ones but some funny ones I will always remember. These were both in basic training when I was 17. We were out on the field doing some exercise and when it came time for lunch the Drill Sgt told us it was all you can eat chili mac. He told us to eat up and fill ourselves up. I just KNEW something was up so I avoided lunch even though I was starving lol About 2 hours after lunch we packed up our bags and marched to a building which happened to be the gas chamber. Talk about a puke fest lol Everyone's lunch came back up. My two buddies were behind me. Melinda puked on Erins back and when she turned around she puked on melinda. The funniest *!@# ever. Another time I was running the assult bayonet course and when I got done and headed to formation my Drill Sgt comes over to me laughing his @#! off and he asked me where the heck the stock of my weapon was. I looked down and it was completely gone LOL I guess he eventually found it because later he shows me still laughing and pats my back . I guess I was a little to rough attacking the dummies lol That remind me of another one.. We had a 15 mi road march and camped at the site. It was a pretty late night especially with night guard and they got us up at 4am, I was pretty drained and still half asleep. I walked out and ate breakfast and walked passed like 4 Drill Sgt's, they all looked at me and started laughing. Sgt Gonzalas told me to come over to him and confroted me that my cavelar was on backwards (which explained not being able to see well lol) Sure not a big deal but it was to them and the rest of the day they would turn their cavelar backwards EVERY time I walked passed them and laugh their butts off LOL It was a pretty awesome experience though, ESPECIALLY trying the M136 Antitank launcher and the live fire drill!

Originally posted by innervision0730
I guess I don't have any hilarious ones but some funny ones I will always remember. These were both in basic training when I was 17. We were out on the field doing some exercise and when it came time for lunch the Drill Sgt told us it was all you can eat chili mac. He told us to eat up and fill ourselves up. I just KNEW something was up so I avoided lunch even though I was starving lol About 2 hours after lunch we packed up our bags and marched to a building which happened to be the gas chamber. Talk about a puke fest lol Everyone's lunch came back up. My two buddies were behind me. Melinda puked on Erins back and when she turned around she puked on melinda. The funniest *!@# ever. Another time I was running the assult bayonet course and when I got done and headed to formation my Drill Sgt comes over to me laughing his @#! off and he asked me where the heck the stock of my weapon was. I looked down and it was completely gone LOL I guess he eventually found it because later he shows me still laughing and pats my back . I guess I was a little to rough attacking the dummies lol That remind me of another one.. We had a 15 mi road march and camped at the site. It was a pretty late night especially with night guard and they got us up at 4am, I was pretty drained and still half asleep. I walked out and ate breakfast and walked passed like 4 Drill Sgt's, they all looked at me and started laughing. Sgt Gonzalas told me to come over to him and confroted me that my cavelar was on backwards (which explained not being able to see well lol) Sure not a big deal but it was to them and the rest of the day they would turn their cavelar backwards EVERY time I walked passed them and laugh their butts off LOL It was a pretty awesome experience though, ESPECIALLY trying the M136 Antitank launcher and the live fire drill!

Haha

Classic

We had our own puke fest once too.

We was on a long range patrol of bandit country, South Armagh, Northern Ireland, on an anti sniper operation to flush out the enemy and take them out.

We stopped on a hill surrounded by the cover of hedgerows and the high ground made it a good defensive position if we got bumped. We put out sentries and started making brews (tea).

It was a cow field.

There was a giant steaming and fresh cow-pat laying there.

The troops got bored.

Bets were made.

A £50 bet.

A spoon was produced.

The cowpat became lunch

And the whole multiple (3 times 4 man teams) was spewing their guts up.

It still makes me laugh now!

reply to post by Yissachar1


Ahahahah that is so awesome! The things you come up with when your bored LOL We had quite a few incidents like that in Germany.

I had to pick up my husband from work, and as I approached the guard room at the gates, several soldiers (mp's) walked towards my car, they spread out and I could see in my rear vision mirror that they were going over and underneath my car, giving it a good thorough searching they were,

The fourth guard bent over to talk to me through my open window, I'm kind of a sarcastic person and I wish sometimes I wasn’t lol

As he leant in I slowly waved my hand in front of me looked him in the eyes and said “these are not the droids you are looking for”.

He must have been a trekkie as he had no clue what I meant lol

Any way that smart ass comment made him uneasy and he wouldn’t let me pass until he and the other soldiers went over the inside and outside of my car two more times.

I was late picking up my husband and my only excusse to him was that the mp's dont watch star wars.
my husband looked at me confused gave his head a slight shake.
I think he thinks i was having a blonde moment and didnt want to ask anymore

Originally posted by Whateva69

As he leant in I slowly waved my hand in front of me looked him in the eyes and said “these are not the droids you are looking for”.

genius, i will have to use that one if i get stopped by the plod

Why isn't this getting more flags? Commmon.. You guys are pretty cool in my book. Yeah,ya probably don't want to be in my book. But,thank you again,.

I remember a game we used to play with # bags that smoked. They had pretty much banned smoking inside the ship so you had to use the sponsons, which was great in my book, fresh air and nice views. Anyways I don't remember the name of the particular game but it would involve the subject and his new pack of smokes.

What you would do is tell them you had a game to play and grab their pack of smokes, keeping the momentum going you start taking them out of the pack and placing them between their fingers. You would end up loading up both hands with the cigs rendering both hands unusable. Then you would toss the empty pack overboard and watch the fun, it was something you only really did to deserving people.