Funny Military stories: Share em!! NO BASHING!

Okay folks, I've been thinking about doing this thread for a while, so now I am gonna do it

All of us that served in our country's militaries all have some story of something that was extremely funny, be it in basic advanced training or while on active duty. I have a ferw I wanna share, and all you vets and active duty servicepersons please share yours as well.
Rules for the thread: NO MILITARY BASHING!!!!! Bash elsewhere, any bashing will be IMMEDIATELY notified and action taken. DO NOT SCREW UP MY THREAD!!!!!!

Okay, I arrived at Reception at Ft Jackson around 1 or 2 am, and immediately taken to a large room where you immediately start filling out all the paperwork that will follow you thru your military service, and get the start of the MANY briefings you will get in basic by the Drill Sgts.
Being this was in the 1990's, the US Army was an all volunteer army, no draftees since the early 1970's. Irreguardless, the drill sgts still ask us recruits were any of us forced to enlist, did anyone put a gun to our head and make us enlist. I raised my hand and saud, my mom and dad forced me to enlist. You know they say dont make a name for yourself in basic, stay under the radar, needless to say, I didnt...
Fast forward to AIT, Ft Lee, VA. The dorms there are 4 men to a room. It was me and 3 others, my 'batt'e buddy' was this geeky we all called Beeker, due to his resemblance to the muppet Beeker (tentativeequinox.files.wordpress.com...) had Beeker had a crewcut and joined the Army. This guy was a COMPLETE screwup, and since everything was teamwork in the military, when one person screwed up, EVERYONE in the room paid the price. needless to say,. this guy had ATFU (if youre military, you know what that means) written across his forehead, he never had his locker squared away, never did his bed correctly and threw tantrums every time we tried to correct him. One day, after training, we're in our room, the 4 of us, so Beeker decided to take a shower, so he took his hygene items, locked his locker, stuck his keys under his pillow and hit the showers. I looked at my other 2 roommates and grinned. I grabbed my Polaroid, unlocked his locker, climbed INSIDE and had one of bthe other guys lock me in. About 5 minutes later, Beeker comes back, unlocks his locker, I jump out yelling, and snapping polaroids. This guy damn near WET himself and screamed like a girl. The pics I got were him with this INTENSE look of terror on his face (I gotta find those pics to scan). So he starts yelling at me while the 3 of us are laughing so hard we cant breathe. Oiur Drill Sgt comes into the room to see what was going on. as Beeker explained and he saw the pics, you can tell he was trying not to laugh while chewing me out, after he walked out, you can hear him laughing on his way down the hall.

Fast forward to my first duty station, Ft Wainwright, Alaska. its late spring, and about 2 AM. Something woke me up out of a sound sleep. As I lay there, I hear a slight noise, coming from the room next door to me in the barracks. As I listen the noise got louder, then realized what it was: my next door neighbor had brought someone to his room, and the sounds were coming from her! They got so loud to the point I hear doors opening up and down the hallway and other sleeping soldiers poking their heads out. I then informed them that it was from the room next to mine. Being in Army barracks, you werent SUPPOSED to have overnight visitors, we knew eventually they'd have to leave, the dozen or so of us that were woken up, positioned ourselves by the ONLY door out, and we sat there, drinking beer and making lewd jokes about my neighbor. About an hour later, the door opened and they both stepped out. As she stepped into the hallway and saw us, we all stood up and applauded, hooted & hollared, pretty much being juveniles. She ducked back into the room, and after about 10 mins of coaxing, my neighbor got her to leave with him, her face was bright red and kept looking down, not able to look at ANY of us.
As my name here is Homer, it was my nickname in the Army, how I got it, I am not too sure, but it was meant to be my nickname, because eventually EVERYONE knew me as Homer. One day, during an awards ceremony, I was receiving my second Army Achievement Medal, and our XO was reading the citation, and as we were pinned, he would read off the names. When he got to me, instead of saying Specialist Joseph , he said Specialist Homer . Everyone, INCLUDING the CO laughed. The XO was like what? The CO had to explain it was my nickname, not my real name!

Okay anyone else wanna pick up with their tales?

I have an hilarious one.




Our troops are out in Iraq and Afghanistan to protect us.

Originally posted by blupblup
I have an hilarious one.




Our troops are out in Iraq and Afghanistan to protect us.

edit on 1/1/11 by blupblup because: (no reason given)

Why the HELL does every single thread on the militray that is meant to thank them or just be normal ALWAYS turn into this????


If you don't like the war or anything going on stay out of the thread!


This is why I don't post in these threads but damn people.

reply to post by blupblup


Blup man, you know I love you. But really. Come on. The OP was polite in asking that no military bashing be done. Come on. Be a gentlemen and respect his wishes. It's only polite....

Don't derail the thread. He specifically asked not to have military bashing. Be nice and respect that...

This thread is not about sharing your opinions on the war or of the military in general. It is a place for soldiers and veterans to come and share funny stories they have. So let's help to keep it just that.


That said, I was not in the military, so I really cannot add any stories of my own. But I want to say thanks to you for sharing your stories. Too funny. It is always nice to see a side of the soldiers that most people don't always get to see...

Most people get to see, the strict order... All the soldiers lined up. Either that or them fighting... So seeing the lighter side of soldiers is a welcome sight.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


It was quite hilarous to me.


I just got up off the floor from laughing!


Star to you!

We were on a live fire training in artillery. Our instructor had told us to pull a cord of a artillery gun when said "fire". After training we had a live fire training. Our ltn said "... and do not pull the cord until I give command to fire" and then someone pulled the cord and the gun went off. Aftre loud bang you could hear a pin drop, it was so quiet, Everybody was scared thar someone may have gotten hurt. Luckily no one had. But afterwards it was kinda hilarius, someone said " do not fire" and someone only hears fire

reply to post by blupblup


Not funny, not on topic. Move along.

A friend of mine spent a few days in a military jail for taking a tractor for a joy ride.

When I think about it, I think of the Simpsons. "Come on Bart, ride me!"

Originally posted by mblahnikluver
If you don't like the war or anything going on stay out of the thread!

And you DO like the war?

Okaaaaayyyyy.......

reply to post by gimme_some_truth




Point out to me where I bashed the military?

I didn't bash the military at all.... I made a statement and if anything, it was a criticism against the government.


If you read it that way, that's on you man....

While I appreciate this threads premise, shouldn't it be on the BTS (or whatever it is now)?

I don't see how funny military stories relate to:

Military Projects: This forum is dedicated to the speculation and research into secretive government projects and programs. Discussion topics and follow-up responses in this forum will likely tend to lean in favor of conspiracies, scandals, and cover-ups. Members who would seek to refute such theories should be mindful of AboveTopSecret.com\\\'s tradition of focusing on conspiracy theory, cover-ups, and scandals.

I am not "bashing" I am questioning.

Over at XXXXXX Air Base they had gang latrines/shower for everyone on the floor to use. My room mate would leave his shampoo in there and somebody would always steal it. I was drunk as a skunk one day he was rambling on about someone stealing his shampoo...so I told him to go to the shopette and buy some Nair and put it in a shampoo bottle. We stagger to the shopette so I can get more booze and he buys his Nair.

He leaves the rigged shampoo bottle in the gang shower and somebody takes it. Several days later the guy across the hall walks into our room while we're drinking and says "how do you guys like my new hair doo?". I couldn't hold the laughter in and spit my beer out and fell on the floor laughing. He had no eye brows.

The nair took every hair off his body. Right away he figured out who left the shampoo in the shower he happened to steal.

Months go by and that same guy would come in our room to borrow my room mates porn videos. Every time he'd borrow a porn video you'd hear him go across the hall and lock his door. As he walked out and we were all talking/drinking I yelled "shhhhhh!....did you hear that?"........."he didn't lock his door this time!"

We let 10 minutes go buy then everyone stormed into his room and there he was holding his.......staring up like a deer in your car headlights....just frozen there.

Thank God for stupid people. Made military life tolerable.

My step dad served on the USS Enterprise. One of his jobs was taking out the trash. Back then they just threw the trash overboard into the ocean.
Well one day he went to throw some trash overboard, and the drawstring on the bag got wrapped around his wrist and he plunged off the Enterprise. He was lucky they saved him and everyone laughs about it to this day.

Originally posted by Slash
My step dad served on the USS Enterprise. One of his jobs was taking out the trash. Back then they just threw the trash overboard into the ocean.

Well one day he went to throw some trash overboard, and the drawstring on the bag got wrapped around his wrist and he plunged off the Enterprise. He was lucky they saved him and everyone laughs about it to this day.

edit on 1/1/2011 by Slash because: (no reason given)

Smells like bull. No offence.

Here's a funny military story, our government just bought two carriers, we cant afford them, they are delayed, and only one will be in active service.

A friend of mine who is now a pastor was in Vietnam. He laughs that the only thing he ever killed was a cat, and a bunch of howler monkeys.

The cat got capped in some barracks he was patrolling state side. It was the middle of the night, and the cat jumped from one bunk to another, and he clipped it in mid air. He said it made a huge mess, and he doubts he could make the shot again to save his life.

The monkeys were a more interesting story. He was on perimeter watch for their fire base in the middle of the night. They give you a M-16 a couple extra mags of ammo, and a radio. The radio is to make you feel better. The M-16 is a noise maker so they can hear if someone is coming.

He heard footsteps sneaking up on him. It was pitch black, couldn't see your hand in front of your face. He waited until the steps were only a few feet away, and opened up with the M-16. He got 15 howler monkeys, and a razzing for days afterwards.

Too many, but most are too x-rated for this site.

One thats not was when I was doing mountain and arctic warfare training in Norway.

We had a bit of R n R so went downhill ski-ing in Voss.

You can always tell who the British troops are on the slopes; they are the ones in white caps bombing down the slopes drunk. No flair, no paralelling, just curled up into a ball and bombing it down.

One of them was a Geordie called "knobby".

I watched in horror (and laughter) as he bombed down the black slope, knocking people over left and right until he got to the ski lift at the bottom and knocked down everyone waiting for the lift like a strike in bowling.

Then

He couldnt stop.

Went straight through a barrier

Flew through the air

And went splat into a tree

That stopped him ok

It was like watching a cartoon! I was pissing myself laughing to much to help the stupid geordie sandbag out.

He broke his legs and had the last laugh at us having to do all the training whilst he stayed warm at camp.

This should probably be in BTS, I think.

Be that as it may, when I was in the Air Farce I saw a Jeep get dropped from a C-130 (with a parachute).
It proceeded to get itself impaled on a tree, right through the floorboards. There it was, about 25 feet or so up in a tree. The tree happened to be on some farmer's land, and said farmer refused to let them on his property to retrieve said Jeep, punctuating his refusal with a shotgun in hand.

As far as I know, that Jeep is still there.

I've got so many...

I was in the USN, and one time (in band camp) we were doing training drills in San Clemente island off the coast of California. I was on a guided missle cruiser the USS Jouette, CG29.

we were lobbing large shells from the aft gun, a 5" cannon.

I decided to go topside and stand right behind the corner of the bulkhead and watch the live fire happen RIGHT THERE, LIVE!

they lined up the large barrel with the island, then while dialing everything in, a huge pelican lands on the railing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BARREL!

without believing what was about to happen, the gun went BOOM! and there was literally the proverbial poof of feathers floating down just like you'd see in a comedy movie. absolutly hilarious!

reply to post by zooplancton


Thanks you guys. Sincerly. I'm proud you guys were in the Military for us. I got kicked out of Kent State for selling more then Snow Cones off the golf cart. I DID NOT know those chicks in bathing suits we not just selling Snow Cones.
Before it was popular,WHENEVER I saw an ex vietnam vet in a bar,I bought them a drink to say thank you.
They appreciated it. Tough times in Ohio for you guys back then,I'll tell ya.
To this day,if I'm in a bar somewhere here in Cali,I ask if there are any Vets here? I ALWAYS buy you guys a drink.
Not trying to showoff. Just my way of saying thank you for defending us.
Keep up the great stories and thank you for your contributions to our Country.Even you potato peelers. You fed the guys.
Don't bring up the Golf Cart with my Dad. He's a Kent State allumni..still pisses him off about it.
I SWEAR I did'nt know those chicks were selling more then snowcones.