Hug A Republican

Hug A Republican
- Or, How To Change The World By Squeezing A Right-Winger -

Author�s Note: Although the following article is aimed at an American audience, it�s message can easily be adapted for any country in which the political right holds an undue amount of power. The British Conservative Party, Nationalists, the German Christian Democratic Union, French neo-Fascists, the Australian Christian Democrats, whoever � if your political opposition is misguided, embittered and miserly, this article is for you! Feedback and Way Above votes are appreciated - and I suspect flames are inevitable

It should be no surprise to anyone that the civilised world is facing a dark threat � a threat which has dangerously increased since September the 11th 2001. This black-hearted, sinister menace �

What? Who mentioned the War on Terror? No, you misunderstand me - I�m talking about Republicanism!

Since the World Trade Centre fell, militant Republicans have emerged from their caves and dungeons, and begun not only walking the streets during the hours of daylight, but talking to the press and trying to recruit the feeble-minded into their dark ranks. While the effects of their bizarre beliefs and strange cult-like behaviour are well understood, the important question, which has gone unanswered, is �why are they like this?� Why do reasonable people give up on decency and good, old-fashioned courtesy, and cross the Black Divide into Republicanism? The answer is, at the same time, complex and simple. Ready? Here it is:

Republicans aren�t Republicans by choice. It�s not a vocation, nor is it a political decision. It�s nothing more than a temporary status, a lamentable circumstance. Republicans are Republicans only because they share the same predicament, the same crippling affliction.

Republicans are afraid.

No, don�t bother scanning down the page, that�s really it. The whole deal. Republicans are afraid. Of everything. All the time. They�re afraid of crime. They�re afraid of illness and death. They�re afraid of unemployment and of poverty. They�re afraid of ethnic minorities. They�re afraid of liberals. They�re particularly afraid of liberal ethnic minorities. They�re afraid of women, so they fight the right to choose and gleefully enforce unjust discriminatory laws. They�re afraid of each other, so they arm themselves with handguns and rifles. They�re afraid of handguns and rifles, so they arm themselves with more handguns and rifles. They�re afraid of sex, so they try and forget it exists, and they�re afraid of the dark, untapped depths of sexuality, so they bitterly condemn homosexuals and �perverts�. They�re afraid of their own sins, so they try and buy their way into heaven by praying really hard and hoping God wasn�t paying careful attention. They�re afraid of their countrymen, so they fiercely protect their own freedoms. They�re afraid of foreigners, so they fiercely limit and constrict the freedoms of others. They�re afraid of criminals, so they advocate the death penalty, but they�re afraid of receiving the death penalty, so they advocate budget cuts in the police force. They�re afraid of the working class, so they band together in golf clubs, and they�re afraid of the government, so they band together in militias.

They�re afraid. Every minute, of every hour, of every day they are woefully, irrationally afraid.

And what can you, a concerned citizen, do to rectify this terrible situation? That, thankfully, is the easy part, and it doesn�t even require any special equipment or expensive rehab.

All you need, ladies and gentlemen, is love.

Hugging: Good For You, Good For Your Country

If you�d like to help make the world a better place by relieving some Republican fear, follow these simple steps.

Stage One: Select Your Target
Any person who calls themselves a Liberal should have received extensive �Know Thy Enemy� training courses which will allow you to detect a Republican at one hundred yards. Just to refresh your memory, watch out for people who are carrying a pair of handguns and an assault rifle when they�re driving through the city in their SUV while wearing a �Pro-Lifers Do It Without Precautions� T-shirt and a �Texas Supports the Death Penalty� baseball cap, even as they are telling their children they�re only allowed to watch The Simpsons because �that Flanders guy had his head on straight�.

Stage Two: The Hug
Getting the hug right is important. The wrong hug, you see, will be deflected by the patented Mighty Armour of Fear, so it�s important that you avoid the fleeting hug, the uncommitted hug, the one-armed hug, the rib-cracking hug, the squirmy hug, the indifferent hug, the not-entirely-platonic hug, the ephemeral hug, the hesitant hug, or the manly back-slapping home-run hug. None of these will work.

Instead, simply put your arms around the person. If they are shorter, rest their head against your chest. If they are taller, rest your head against their chest (see below for the perils of the cross-gender hug). Hold them in a firm but yielding embrace, and simply wait for their fears to subside. Some of the more hard-line Republicans may, at this stage, be confronted with the fathomless depths of their own ignorant terror, and break the hug, often accompanying the physical rejection with a tirade of foul language. If this happens, turn on your heel and walk away. Some other good-hearted Liberal will hug that person on another day, and, eventually, their resistances will crumble.

Stage Three: The Potentially-Awkward Post-Hug Moment
After the hug, you may find the situation has become somewhat uncomfortable. Now cleansed of their petty, irrational fears, your designated ex-Republican may be quite overcome with emotion. Shock, regret, grief and enormous, choking guilt are all common signs, depending on the length of time they suffered under Republicanism and the political power they achieved by exploiting the fear of others. This is the time when good old Liberal compassion comes to the fore. If you think your deRepublicanated companion would benefit from conversation or consolation, go to it. When they seem stronger, and the tears have stopped, resist the urge to linger, because the chances are there is another afflicted Republican nearby who could benefit from the same kind treatment.

The Perils of Huggery

In an ideal world, hugging a Republican would be a simple prospect � but, unfortunately, Republicans are often simple, while hugging can be quite complicated. I would be remiss in my duties, therefore, if I didn�t warn you of the potential hazards of hugging.

Ethnic Minorities
Republicans, as I�ve shown above, have a problem with ethnic minorities unless they are changing the beds in a hotel or playing the �comic relief� supporting role in the latest Hollywood blockbuster. Therefore, approach your ethnically-tinged Republican Hug with care.

If you (the hugger) are a member of an ethnic minority�
Some Republicans will call the police if you approach within three feet of them. This is because they automatically assume that any unescorted person of �foreign� stock is an escaped convict, armed psycho, or somehow contaminated in a non-specific but terrifying way. You must, at this point, make a judgement call. If your potential huggee looks like a reasonable, well-adjusted Republican (congratulations on finding one), then you�ll probably be okay. If, on the other hand, your target is wearing a �Niggers Go Home� T-shirt, a baseball cap with a Confederate Flag on the front, or a white bed-sheet, you might want to reconsider.

If your target (the huggee) is a member of an ethnic minority�
If there is some doubt that your target is a Republican, then go ahead and hug them. If, however, you are one hundred percent sure that your target is both a Republican and a member of an ethnic minority, then you should just gaze at them sadly, shake your head, and walk away. Some people are beyond help.

The Gender Issue
As explained above, Republicans have huge problems with issues of sex and sexuality. Therefore, one must be aware of the �gender� problem when contemplating a Healing Hug.

If you (the hugger) are female�
You shouldn�t have a problem. Women can hug other women without any trouble � and frankly, any up-tight Republican male will be grinning like a fool at the possibility of getting close to a friendly Liberal lady. Just be sure not to mention your views on contraception or abortion at the critical moment, as he might suffer a right-wing spasm of guilt and injure himself.

If you (the hugger) are male�
You are standing on dangerous ground, my hugger friend. Hugging a Republican can be a treacherous business for those of us blessed with testes. If your designated huggee is a woman, then the usual forms and courtesies apply. Ask if she would mind being hugged, and treat her reply with respect. If your chosen target is a man, however, you need to be aware of an important fact: Republicans, by and large, split into two groups on the subject of hot man-on-man action. The more informed, educated minority (Republican-Lites) accept that homosexuality is both legally and morally acceptable, and are comfortable enough with their own identity and preferences to enjoy a platonic hug. The other group, however, are terrified by homosexuality (see above) and are prone to freaking out if confronted with the possibility of a masculine torso-squeeze. If your target is one of the less-enlightened variety, there�s something you need to know.

Make sure no-one�s listening, and come a little closer.

There�s a very fine line between homosexual and homophobe. They share a lot of the same letters, after all. I don�t want to impugn the suspiciously-intense masculine heterosexuality of these staunch gun-toting Republicans, but remember � statistically speaking, one in eight of them is in the closet.

And the ones that protest the loudest�

I think we understand one another.

Happiness Is Only A Hug Away

My friends, I have a dream. I dream of a bright, sunny day, in the main street of your town, where every grumpy Republican is wrapped up in the arms of a warm-hearted Liberal. Change will be slow � after all, we have to undo decades of lies and fear � but it will come. Eventually, their expressions will soften into confusion, then into joy. Slowly but surely, the Republican party will wither and die, their hatred and anxiety and bitter, bitter fear unravelling in the face of wholesome Liberal love. Then, and only then, will the world be freed from the tyrannies of ignorance and dread.

But we need to get them all. It only takes one unhugged Republican to spread the lies and the fear all over again, to twist the minds of the vulnerable and turn them into Bush-voting paranoids. That means, ladies and gentlemen, that it�s down to every single one of us � you, yes you, need to hug your share.

So get out there. Do your civic duty, and make the world a better place. Hug a Republican today!

A most excellent article. Bravo!

All the Republicans I know are very afraid of hugs though, its so "NOT MAN LIKE"

hmm... maybe I could sneak one in while they are busy scarfing down some red meat while they grunt with joy?

That was a brilliant essay. Not only have you spoken the truth but your style is witty and easy to read. You should get it published, or spread it around on the internet more.

I think you hit the nail in the head in summing up the reason for irrational right wing beliefs, it's all about fear. Very well put

This is rediculous garbage.

There really isn't much more to say about it. Fear is something both sides have, but the source might be looked into more in depth. That might present an interesting article.

Otherwise, I have no choice but to laugh at this.

I know it's really selfish, but I don't know if I can stand a Cheney or Bush type blubbering on my shoulder. I mean, it's cool, for the first minute, but after that, I
just have stuff to do!

OK - who has the guts to hug Rush Limbaugh?

Originally posted by HoonieSkoba
OK - who has the guts to hug Rush Limbaugh?

Bud, you got it mixed up. You mean, who will hug Rush Limbaugh's gut.

Unless your arms are really long, I doubt you'll get much further around than that.

But hey, it's cool to play the fat card on Rush, but say it about Moore and...

well, I'm sure you all know.

Limbaugh is a human, just like you! Love my friends! Love makes the world go roung and it takes republicans out of fear! hahahaha.

Lovely, SL.

OK - I've got to admit that I threw Rush's name out as a T-Ball for someone to hit over the fence with a 'fat man joke'. Thanks for the Home Run, KJ!

Sorry to be so cheap. I'll volunteer to hug Ted Kennedy as penance (as long as I don't have to ride shotgun over a bridge with him).

all you need to tell a republican so as to make him accept a hug is;

'it will make you lots of money and it gaurantees those people who have little opportunity get even less while those with unlimited opportunity get even more'

watch the republicans strat hugging everything...

lol, please, im republican and im a big hug person, i may have strong views and support republican ideas, im a very nice guy still and that article is a load of hampster crap.

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback on the thread and via U2U. Much appreciated!

To answer a few critics, please note that I didn�t say that Republicans never hug. They just never hug in the right way.

...The wrong hug, you see, will be deflected by the patented Mighty Armour of Fear, so it�s important that you avoid the fleeting hug, the uncommitted hug, the one-armed hug, the rib-cracking hug, the squirmy hug, the indifferent hug, the not-entirely-platonic hug, the ephemeral hug, the hesitant hug, or the manly back-slapping home-run hug. None of these will work.

To paraphrase an ancient Chinese philosopher: �it�s ain�t what you do, it�s the way that you do it�.

By the way, Americans have it easy - in this country, someone has to hug the dusty, creaking, Grand Vizier of All Evil Michael Howard...

Originally posted by namehere
that article is a load of hampster crap

Thanks for the contribution, namehere, but I have a question. Hamster crap? Why specifically hamster crap?

Interesting article.
But I am a Republican because I am unafraid.
I am unafraid to say that those who work hard to become successful have the right to enjoy the fruits of thier labor.
I am unafraid to say that those who are afraid of a good days work deserve to starve.
I am unafraid to point out that all the white people responsible for slavery are dead.
I am unafraid to pont out that anyone who has ever experienced slavery in america is also dead.
I am unafraid to state that ending a life for no other reason than the convienence of a woman is murder.
I am unafraid to say that I live my life in accordance with the values and principle set forth in the bible because I beleve in a higher power.
I am unafraid to say that those who commit murder deserve to be punished and that rehabilitation of carrer criminals is not possible.
I am unafraid to stand against the rising tide of liberalsm whch states that morality is subjective, murderers are victims, and that the victims of crime are responsible for creatng the criminals.
I am unafraid to say that it is a mans (or womans) responsbilty to provide for thier own food, clothing and medical care despite knowing the liberals will brand me as a bigot.
I am unafraid to say that those who are on welfare are there because they are too lazy to support themselves.
I am a republican BECAUSE I am unafraid and I have the strength to speak out against the growing culture of excuse, and denial of responsibilty.

I am republican and i fear none but God

The question I have is why do you fear God?

Also, many who are on welfare are hard working Americans that don't have the basic intelligence to be able to do much better than they are. I dislike people who make such general categorizations.

I am unafraid to say that many who own businesses on large corporations make their profits off of the backs of the people working under them.

I am unafraid to say that many white people still hold prejudices and consider those of a different color as inferior.

I am unafraid to say that if you live your life in accordance with the Bible and actually believe in God you would not judge an individual for what they have do.

Boy, a bunch of stoic neanderthals spouting stolid ideas. Get off your horses lest you look like an ass.

Basically it comes to this. Where is your humanity? When did you, like many in this "reality TV" country lose your connection on people outside your group of friends.

While I agree with some of both of you, I spit on the face you show in this place. Speak like men or don't try to act like one.

Originally posted by KrazyJethro
While I agree with some of both of you, I spit on the face you show in this place. Speak like men or don't try to act like one.

It's weird, I recognise most of the words, just not the way they go together...

I suspect a discussion on humanity and the nature of masculinity would be wasted on a member of a group that determines a person's worth by the amount of ammunition they carry. Compassion, wit, courtesy, equanimity, courage - all blank entries in the Republican Dictionary, huh?



Thanks for the contribution, Jethro. Don't worry, I'll still hug you.

What do you not get? While conservative, I find the jargon you two are throwing around, stoic in the face of reason, gets tiring to read.

If you are unwilling to listen, if you are unwilling to discuss, if you are willing to only throw crap at the other monkies that threw crap at you first, then I say you are much like my oldest son.

Compassion IS a trait of a real man, unlike the society from which most of us come thinks or portrays of nutures on the college campuses all across this country.

This is a bastion of reason, and a place to deny ignorance. Personally I would like it if all flamethrowing partisanist would just be gone from this place and leave it for those who seek to learn from your friends as well as your enemies.

If you were smart, you'd know that the enemy can teach you more than a friend.

I fear God because He is so much greater than I and His will is unknowable to me.

Also, many who are on welfare are hard working Americans that don't have the basic intelligence to be able to do much better than they are. I dislike people who make such general categorizations.

I disagree I dont think anyone, regardless of thier intelligence, who works hard in america is unable to support himself.

I am unafraid to say that many who own businesses on large corporations make their profits off of the backs of the people working under them.

How do you define on the backs of the people working under them? If I own a business and pay my employees a fair wage am I still succeding on thier backs? Does anyone who has an empoyee succeed on that employees back?

I am unafraid to say that many white people still hold prejudices and consider those of a different color as inferior.

Prejudice is not confined to white or any other ethnic, religous, or social group. Yes there are many ignorant whites who feel this way, just as there are many ignorant blacks who hate whites. Prejudice is not the question the question is are blacks in this country still disadvantaged?

according to statistics posted by another member of ths board

� Percentage of African-American adults in 1960 who had completed high school: 20.1%

� Percentage of African-American adults in 2002 who had completed high school: 78.7% (U.S. Department of Education)

� Number of black elected officials in the United States in 1970: 1,469

� Number of black elected officials in the United States in 2000: 9,040 (Joint Center for Political Studies)

� Number of black judges in the United States in 1970: 209

� Number of black judges in the United States in 2000: 686 (Joint Center for Political Studies)

� Percentage of all white households with incomes of $50,000 who own stock or stock mutual funds: 79%

� Percentage of all black households with incomes of $50,000 who own stock or stock mutual funds: 61% (Ariel Mutual Funds/Charles Schwab)

I do not see any proof that blacks in this country are still disadvatged. while I agree that affirmitive action and racial quotas were once needed they have done there job and as a result no longer are.

I am unafraid to say that if you live your life in accordance with the Bible and actually believe in God you would not judge an individual for what they have do.

I agree but I am not judgeing people as people by what they do. I am judging the validity and fairness of given legal and social programs based on the American ideals and principle set forth in the constitution. While I agree that the bible is a great book to run your life by in this country we are constituionally barred from running the country in accordance with it. The constituion grants us ALL (not just the poor) the right to life liberty and the pursuit of happines. By taking my hard earned money and giving to others are you not infringing on that right? The constituion state that all men are created equal not that all men are equal. Why then should all men enjoy equal success. why then d you believe that all men should have equal financial resources? If i start a busisness, and if I invest my money, my time, and my effort into that business why should i not have more success than my employees? Did they invest thier money or time in said busineess? No they sold thier time to my business. They freely exchanged thier time in return for a pre agreed monetary compensation.
Where in my posts have shown a lack of compasssion? I have no problem with unemployment insurance for we all find ourselves out of work or laid off from time t time but why should the money I work for be taken out of the hands of me and my family to support another? Is that compassionate? If I choose to give my money to another that is compassionate but if I dont get a choice does that not infringe on my rights? Do I not have the right to defend the fruits of my labors and to protect my estate for the sake of my children? Do I not have the right to use my success to insure that my children have a better life than I did? Is that not the dream of all parents? The fact is that yes there s corruption, bigotry, and evil n our society just as much as in any society, the difference is that in a capitalist system it recognises that men are greedy and harness that greed for the common good of society. Look at the robber barons of the aerly 19th century while they did oppress many noone can deny the overall positive effect they had on America as a whole. While I do not condone this type of business practices (and in fact find them to be anti-Americn as well as morally abhorant) at least the structure of our society ws able to harness these mens baser insticts to perform some good) The fact remains however that men like those I speak of are the exeption rather than the rule in todays business world. Most of the business owners I know are hardworking frugal and fair indivuduals who only wish to achieve finacial independance and the abillity to provide for thier family. Noe what is wrong with that?

[edit on 9-7-2004 by mwm1331]

Originally posted by KrazyJethro
What do you not get? While conservative, I find the jargon you two are throwing around, stoic in the face of reason, gets tiring to read.

If you are unwilling to listen, if you are unwilling to discuss, if you are willing to only throw crap at the other monkies that threw crap at you first, then I say you are much like my oldest son.

Compassion IS a trait of a real man, unlike the society from which most of us come thinks or portrays of nutures on the college campuses all across this country.

This is a bastion of reason, and a place to deny ignorance. Personally I would like it if all flamethrowing partisanist would just be gone from this place and leave it for those who seek to learn from your friends as well as your enemies.

If you were smart, you'd know that the enemy can teach you more than a friend.

You make a good point, Jethro, and perhaps I was too quick to dismiss you.

I have, in my time on ATS, had several meaningful discussions with Republican voters, and have learned much from the exchanges. I also agree that there have been a glut of threads recently of an accusatory and inflammatory nature. If my article has contributed to this tit-for-tat warfare, then I apologise. Perhaps we are all too quick to dismiss the opposing view, rather than considering it's potential merits.

Of course, I would also observe that your very first comment on this thread was "This is rediculous (sic) garbage" but I'm prepared to forgive and forget

But if the guiding principle of ATS is "Deny Ignorance", then I feel honour-bound to combat Republicanism - and it's watered-down equivalents in other countries - at every single step. Not, I hasten to add, in an effort to score political points or gain some measure of notoriety in these post-Colonel post-Mud Pit days, but because I believe that the story of civilisation is the story of mankind's rejection of everything Republicanism stands for. If we are ever to improve our world, we have no choice but to fight selfishness, small-mindedness, prejuidice, cynicism, greed, bigotry, idiocy, and most of all, we must fight the fear.

I apologise if I have unintentionally offended or unfairly criticised any member here at ATS - but not to those I have intentionally offended or fairly criticised. I stand by my article, and I stand by my body of work. I do believe that evil will triumph when good men do nothing - so here I am, doing things.

Sincerely, this time, thanks for your contribution, KrazyJethro. You're right, we must embrace every opportunity to learn, because education is the surest means to defeat Republicanism in all it's forms.

Tell me strangelands what precisly do you think republicanism stands for.
As you feel compelled to fight republicanism I am interested to know precisly what beliefs that the republican party and I as a republican believe in that makes you feel so strongly.