Adultery - ruins everybody's lives.

reply to post by thegoodearth


I think there is a difference between mating for life and having even an ounce of respect for the person you are currently partnered with and ending a relationship before engaging in another. People who cheat tend to conjure up lies and complicate a simple situation just to comfort themselves with the unjustifiable decision that they made. Sadly these days it seems it is not a question of 'if' your partner will cheat on you but 'when'...

Originally posted by Solomons
reply to post by thegoodearth

 

I think there is a difference between mating for life and having even an ounce of respect for the person you are currently partnered with and ending a relationship before engaging in another. People who cheat tend to conjure up lies and complicate a simple situation just to comfort themselves with an unjustifiable decision they have already made. Sadly these days it seems it is not a question of 'if' your partner will cheat on you but 'when'...

edit on 19-12-2010 by Solomons because: (no reason given)

would you cheat?

reply to post by ChaosMagician


Just as rape or murder is morally repugnant to me and simply not in my nature, neither is cheating...and no i am not saying they are morally equivalent but im sure you understand the point im making. That is not to say it is 100% impossible for me to cheat of course, but people cannot say with 100% certainty that it's impossible for them to ever do the above either. And i do not think my comments are moral elitism or smug in the slightest.

The fact of the matter is no, we haven't evolved to be so much higher than animals. It is not a very old idea to be monogamous and the divorce rate within monogamous marriages speaks for itself. Kudos to those who can do it, there is nothing wrong with it, but the human species is NOT designed for monogamy. The male has sexual urges to spread his seed to as many females as possible and the female has a sexual need to get pregnant and continue the species. That is why women sometimes talk about having 'maternity pangs', it is our biology and nothing more. Why do you think men think about sex so much?

Abstinence doesn't work, there are many studies you can just google to demonstrate this. Thinking the human race could abstain from sex until marriage is a ridiculous idea. It just isn't going to happen, because we are not meant to be monogamous. It is a relatively recent construct, and while it may work for some people, most monogamous couples will experience infidelity at some time in their relationship.

And I personally believe that is because monogamy is not what we are hard wired for.

Originally posted by Aeons
reply to post by Wyn Hawks

 

Good for you. If you'd prefer to die of a disease than be told, I'd take the smack. At least then the stupid woman who leaves her children without a mother is responsible for every bit of it. You wanna be that stupid, and I pointed a teeny-tiny light on how dumb you are....It'd be worth it.

...how do you know that a std will be brought home by the cheater?... answer: you dont but you dont care cuz its ALL about you, your presumptions and your overblown ego...

...what makes you think anyone wants to listen to anything an arrogant and presumptious buttinski has to say?... answer: you dont care what they think cuz anyone that refuses your invasion is stupid...

...fact - unless you were privy to someone's marriage vows, you dont know what they vowed to do or not do... even if you were present for the formal exchange of vows - unless a couple specifically appoints you to be their guard-dog, what happens in their marriage is none of your biz...

...unless you are privy to every private conversation a couple has, you have no idea what they've agreed upon - but - that doesnt matter to arrogant people who think they have a right, a duty, a moral responsibility to stick their nose into other people's private lives...

...when a couple's relationship is in trouble, spreading gossip about them is about as low as it gets... the only thing lower is forcing your opinion of their private situation on them...

Originally posted by Solomons
reply to post by ChaosMagician

 

Just as rape or murder is morally repugnant to me and simply not in my nature, neither is cheating...and no i am not saying they are morally equivalent but im sure you understand the point im making.

That is not to say it is 100% impossible for me to cheat of course, but people cannot say with 100% certainty that it's impossible for them to ever do the above either. And i do not think my comments are moral elitism or smug in the slightest.

edit on 19-12-2010 by Solomons because: (no reason given)

Some people don't cheat. You may be one who doesn't. That would be at least one person who didn't cheat if it turns out that way in the end. There are others. They do exist. Do you think it really has so much to do with chance? I think a person's perspective can seriously influences any chances. Multiple parts of a person's life is learning how to control actions. If this is something a person chooses then they are much more likely control the possibilities. I believe a person, even a man is capable of not cheating although again, I can only speak from my own perspective. My own observations.

If I ran across someone who did, it's over because something is not right. They were unhappy to the point where they felt justified or they did not make a choice to control these possibilities and maybe don't think on the same level as I do. I, personally, would rather be alone. That's not always easy because life is tricky which is why no one should ever trap anyone, but people do... then in order to get out of their relationship, they have to lay it all down with someone else first. People must control *themselves* but you should find someone on equal terms. Not always easy to do but you have to keep trudging along. If you have those respects, why would you not expect it from others? If anyone would deserve it, you would. If you have those principles, surely they must exist in others... even if it seems hard to find. If you want that, you have no choice but to look for it, it seems. Trial and error.

I feel terrible for the unsuspecting heartbroken. I have done it and it has happened to me. I don't want to keep doing it although when I do it's not by cheating. My relationships break down by fighting... lot's of it. I don't like to fight. I will get rid of a man who likes to pick fights and I'm picky as fvck. I don't do it to fight. I just like to be happy and if someone makes me unhappy they will certainly hear about it but being fair is very important to me. I try very hard to be fair so if someone is not fair with me...pffft, fvck em' ... and I mean play nice and fair. Some men would rather have a female that will just give them what they want and not be so goddamn picky, but chicks that don't feel like they are able to nitpick about things they don't like is more likely to stab a guy in the back when she's had enough because she has bit her tongue too many times and will bite her tongue as she opens her legs for someone else, at least that is my opinion... although I certainly don't think they are the only type who will cheat. They know more than anyone that things don't last forever. They serve their purpose in life, they are just different than others. Everyone is different I guess.

Originally posted by Xavialune
The fact of the matter is no, we haven't evolved to be so much higher than animals. It is not a very old idea to be monogamous and the divorce rate within monogamous marriages speaks for itself. Kudos to those who can do it, there is nothing wrong with it, but the human species is NOT designed for monogamy. The male has sexual urges to spread his seed to as many females as possible and the female has a sexual need to get pregnant and continue the species. That is why women sometimes talk about having 'maternity pangs', it is our biology and nothing more. Why do you think men think about sex so much?

Abstinence doesn't work, there are many studies you can just google to demonstrate this. Thinking the human race could abstain from sex until marriage is a ridiculous idea. It just isn't going to happen, because we are not meant to be monogamous. It is a relatively recent construct, and while it may work for some people, most monogamous couples will experience infidelity at some time in their relationship.

And I personally believe that is because monogamy is not what we are hard wired for.

Exactly

This is why you don't get married and thus have nothing to worry about.

Marriage is overrated anyways...

Just stay single and available

Well I'm not saying that. I fully intend to get married, I'm just saying it's not for everyone...in fact looking at statistics, it doesn't seem like it's right for very many people at all.

I never married, I never had children. I have had relationships rest assured, but I never found the one person who I would marry, at least not yet... or at least hope they would be the only one because I have been careful not to just marry anyone. I *have* been asked... multiple times, by at least five different people if not more. Probably forgetting someone. Certainly insinuated by others. Some were too short lived to get to that question. I even said yes to some... a few but I knew to give it time. Children are even more serious in my opinion.

I'm open to doing whatever the hell I want. I can't say it's been easy but it sure does seem convenient now. It's just more opportunity to be picky.

Only group I can think of that (purportedly) abstaines from sex is priests and see what happened with them .... they are so randy they would shag the hole in a dolphins head. It's just not natural to not have sex.

Originally posted by bigyin
Only group I can think of that (purportedly) abstaines from sex is priests and see what happened with them .... they are so randy they would shag the hole in a dolphins head. It's just not natural to not have sex.

edit on 19-12-2010 by bigyin because: (no reason given)

Since the OP wasn't talking about not having sex. Can you tell me if you were meaning to quote someone talking about that?

It is related to the discussion that offshooted from the OP. OP was talking about someone cheating, and him knowing about it and saying something. We were arguing that while adultry is never good, its really something that happens all the time. The argument for that was that humans are not hard wired for monogamy. So while adultry sucks for everyone, what do you expect? Most people just cant stay with the same person for 30-odd years.

Theres several different discussions and arguments being made here, other than the OP, but they are all related.

reply to post by halfoldman


I think theres two major factors

1) selfishness

2) the person you married was not right for you in the first place.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience.

Originally posted by Xavialune
It is related to the discussion that offshooted from the OP. OP was talking about someone cheating, and him knowing about it and saying something. We were arguing that while adultry is never good, its really something that happens all the time. The argument for that was that humans are not hard wired for monogamy. So while adultry sucks for everyone, what do you expect? Most people just cant stay with the same person for 30-odd years.

Theres several different discussions and arguments being made here, other than the OP, but they are all related.

Adultery doesn't happen all the time, monogamy exists, so does abstinence, but they never come in the same package. I didn't know how abstinence became a part of this and didn't know you were making a random statement about abstinence.

Abstinence is possible. Very possible among a lot of other people besides priests. To some people it's second nature. There is even medication that will destroy the libido and not just sex hormones. I certainly haven't been abstinent all my life but have gone through periods of abstinence. I don't recommend but I also don't recommend sex not meant for you. I would prefer a monogamous relationship. I know others feel the same. I think I could be happy that way. I have been in monogamous relationships but they did not last. They were happy and monogamous while they lasted. They were not negative things. I think they could be an easy thing to chose under the right circumstances.

reply to post by Xavialune


Thanks, you saved me typing that out.

I've had a theory for a long time that prostitution should not only be legalised but also elevated to a noble profession.

I can only speak for men since I am one, but as we are not suited to a lifetime of sex with just one person, then marriage, which might sound like a good idea at the time, invariably places an enormous pressure on the relationship.

I believe there is a difference between loving somebody, and having sex with somebody.

The problem is in our society there is no accepted way to have extra marital sex. However if married men could take themselves down to the local sex shop and pay for casual sex in a safe, clean environment with licensed professional women, it would allow men to get it out of their system and perhaps enable their marrage to the person they love and care for a lot stronger, which would make for a much better situation than having divorces because they got found out having a fling with somebody, especially where children are involved.

Most guys think about having sex with other women, either they do it secretly and risk all, or they don't do it and be miserable.



edit to add: I've been married for 34 years to same woman and stayed faithful. I consider myself lucky.

What has happened to this site?

This post has helped decide never to return here.

ATS sold its soul when they linked the site with facebook.

good luck now.

reply to post by bigyin


Im a man and completely disagree with you. If people want to have a casual view of sex(prostitutes,one night stands on the weekend etc) then that is none of my business, no matter how much i disagree with the idea and it's greater impact on society as a whole. But lumping all men in to this stereotypical category is wrong imo. And where im from woman and men are just as bad as each other in this regard, which is the UK.

Originally posted by JohnySeagull
What has happened to this site?

This post has helped decide never to return here.

ATS sold its soul when they linked the site with facebook.

good luck now.

No one is exchanging facebook links. You are not missing anything but some speaking for themselves and some speaking for all and one guy telling a story about what happened to him. Some people might not care about such things. I feel bad for that guy cause adultery is kinna sleazy. A lot of things are kinna sleazy. Nobodies perfect but *I think* avoiding sleazy things (sleazy in my opinion) should be avoided by me and anyone who would ever want to be with me.

My profile is not connected to facebook. Just speaking my mind.

Marital Fidelity has nothing to do with religious upbringing. When a person gets married, religious or not, they make a vow, a commitment to their marriage mate to be faithful to them for life.

In fact, even in the most backward societies that have had no idea of the commands in the Bible, no formal training and what was right or wrong in God's eyes, still had the basic concepts of moral right and wrong. Murder, thievery, adultery, these are all almost universal wrongs in all cultures throughout all time periods. It is even as Paul said:


(Romans 2:14-16) . . .For whenever people of the nations that do not have law do by nature the things of the law, these people, although not having law, are a law to themselves. 15 They are the very ones who demonstrate the matter of the law to be written in their hearts, while their conscience is bearing witness with them and, between their own thoughts, they are being accused or even excused. 16 This will be in the day when God through Christ Jesus judges the secret things of mankind, according to the good news I declare.


Yes, God created man with an inborn conscience. True most people abuse it, and do not feed it and nourish it correctly, so that most people have a twisted and warped view of right and wrong. Yet, even if they do not know God's viewpoint on things because they haven't read the Bible, the conscience that God gives them at birth tells them that certain things are naturally wrong, and no one can get away from that.

If you are interested in taking care of your conscience read the Bible daily, it will train it properly.

An excellent series of articles for married people:
What Makes A Marriage Last