Best One Liners

Theres about 100000 to choose from here



My wife made Chocolate mousse and one of the Antlers got stuck in my throat

reply to post by ThinkingCap


A funny Churchill quote.

www.bizbag.com...
Nancy Astor was a native Virginian who became Britain’s first woman member of the House of Commons. In the 1930’s she headed a clique in the House of Commons that found something to admire in Hitler’s Germany. Churchill described an Astorite as an appeaser "who feeds the crocodile hoping that it will eat him last." One time shortly thereafter, Churchill found himself at Cliveden, the Astor mansion.

After dinner Lady Astor presided over the pouring of coffee. When Churchill came by, she glared and said. "Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee." "Nancy," Churchill replied to the acid-tongued woman, "if I were your husband, I’d drink it."

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.




Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

reply to post by Realtruth


Sex is like oxygen, unimportant untill you stop getting it.

reply to post by davespanners


Another Dangerfield line,

I get no respect at all. Last week I went to the proctologist. He stuck his finger in my mouth.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning, that's the best they are going to feel all day. -Dean Martin

Some of my all-time favorites:


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Fighting for peace is like f@&#ing for virginity.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.

A crazy spaceman is called an "astro nut"

This guy is the king....

These are hysterical, lmao

Fighting for peace one, classic.

Originally posted by Gazrok
Some of my all-time favorites:


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Fighting for peace is like f@&#ing for virginity.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Well I only came here because I thought it said “Best One Inchers” and I needed a laugh.

Originally posted by Misoir
Well I only came here because I thought it said “Best One Inchers” and I needed a laugh.

edit on 12/21/2010 by Misoir because: (no reason given)

If you don't have it in the hips, you better have it in the lips.

It's not the size of the wand, but the magic in it.

I'm surprised no one said this one:

"that's what she said!"



My favorite one liner Said to a hard core christian or catholic:

"Can god make a rock so big he can't lift it?"