Just Another Emotionally Trapped Woman seeking advice about My Abusive Relationship

I have been in a physically/verbally abusive relationship. It broke me down mentally very bad and took years for me to feel normal again. It starts with verbal and when they break you down there the physical starts. My advice is honey stop talking to him. You don't deserve to be treated this way at ALL. If he cared about you he wouldn't treat you this way and if he isn't telling people about you or not letting you meet friends and family then you are not his girlfriend in his eyes. He is taking advantage of you online, what do you think he would be like if you were with him in person? I have been there and I understand. He is already breaking you down emotionally and I can tell just by your post. You are questioning the "relationship" when you shouldn't be. You should cut ties with him immediately. It's for your own good believe me. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. If a man doesn't respect you, they are not worth your time. Respect should be there! If you need to talk U2U me I do understand this kind of relationship. I was in one for years until I snapped out of it and that was because I had to get staples in my head when he pushed me and I hit the cabinet.. It ended with a restraining order on him. I was scared to death of him, slept with a butcher knife under my pillow til I moved out of where were lived and he couldn't find me. Please honey, cut ties with him. You deserve better.

My advice:

Disconnect from the Internet and seek counseling, or group work that focuses on co-dependent personalities and addictive/abusive relationships. You will need some support, for awhile.

You need to focus on yourself and become the person you want to be and love, before you can ever find a man that will do the same.

If you do not want to consider the advice that others have given you so far (which is all very good advice) then you need to ask yourself why not. What are you getting by staying in your situation? You are getting something from it and you need to ask yourself if it's worth it. If so, why? Think carefully about what you will do next.

You said:

I know I should dump him, and I can list a million reasons why. I don't even know why I posted now, because I know I'm not going to change my mind on the matter, I just felt like I needed to say it.

This situation ends, when you choose to end it. You are in control, you always have been.

Originally posted by LadySkadi
You need to focus on yourself and become the person you want to be and love, before you can ever find a man that will do the same.

This is the best advice that you can get. Please pay attention to it if nothing else as it is the truth.

Love yourself and then love will find you...

Please listen to what people on this thread have had to say.

There isn't a bad word or suggestion here.

If this relationship is online then, in your real life, you are not dependent on this man for anything. I don't know if it is that knowledge that makes him so controlling, but I suspect it may be.

Away from the computer you have a life that he has no real access to, and that is the life you ought to be cherishing and paying attention to.

I'm not the first to say that he is behind your lack of confidence and low self esteem. He is chipping away at you daily and if it continues there will be nothing of 'real' you left.

I know you believe that he is your soul mate. Fair enough - I can't say if he is or he isn't. But what good does that do you?

A person can build a life for themselves without the presence of their soul mate, particularly a controlling, nasty, deceiving bully that yours appears to be.

Maybe, as your soul mate, it is his purpose in your life to encourage you to be a more independent person. Which you can become by standing up to him, acknowledging that all the things he has said about you are untrue, and taking the first steps into a life where you can find and appreciate people who love and appreciate you.

If you can take this as a harsh lesson in life, then he will have fulfilled his purpose. And that's the kindest interpretation I can put on his behaviour. And it's stretched me a bit to do it

Really, take to heart what people have said. Someone wisely pointed out that you have had more support on this thread from strangers than you have had (or are likely to have) from this man.

Please, put all that thought and attention you give to him to a better use. That is, use it to improve your lot in life.

I do wish you well and I hope for good things and people in your life.

Originally posted by LadySkadi
This situation ends, when you choose to end it. You are in control, you always have been.

reply to post by leira7

I Love him

Some times love is not enough.

Yes you may love him but in retrospect dose he love you. Love in a relationship needs a physical bond, not a bond made of 3D characters in a game. A person needs to be held or touch to make a emotional bond that way a person can connect the word love to that person Hearing a persons voice can set your emotions on fire or the gentle touch of their skin upon yours. Love made in a imaginary place is just that imaginary.

Speaking of games how do you know he is not playing a game with your emotions? To see how far he can stress your feelings from a thousand miles away. And if some one doesn't have the common courtesy to pick up a phone and call just so you can hear their voice and make a mental and emotional connection is a waste of emotional fortitude.

With the way he talks to you and call you names especially stupid and worthless (those are the 2 words in the english dictionary that I despise when it used to describe a person) how do you not know he is just showing his ass in front of his friends. The human race has a real bad habit of putting people down to show their superiority over others in front of like kind.

So good luck in what ever you decide and dont watch any Lifetime movies of the week.

It's almost like you girls like being treated like dirt or something.

PS. MJ23 is available (whod have thought it?) and male and 23 . Plus I got a net connection which is like some kind of aphrodisiac for you. Plus you like star wars and conspiracies so we can have 45% less awkward silence time and Iam like a totally Ned Flanders nice guy........you worthless b*tch lol.

(please dont read that out in a Buffalo Bill voice in your head).

reply to post by Majestic23



Get a dog.
Second line

Originally posted by SLAYER69
reply to post by Majestic23

 

Get a dog.
Second line

I second that

reply to post by hillbilly4rent


I did, love the guy but hes kind of a douche and does his own thing. Worst damn wingman I ever had. Wait, second worst.

LadySkadi's advice is probably the best on this particular thread, meaning group counseling and a support group.

As hard as it may seem you will need to cut ties with this person period, no text, no email , no phone nothing, following no communications you will need counseling and a support group.

You are in a vulnerable state and this particular person is taking advantage of your situation, as well as you allowing it.

You are the only one that can make the decision ultimately.

There are two types of roles that people seem to play in the world, victims and people that are in charge of their lives, and from your post it appears you want to take charge of yours again.

Hugs to you.

We know you can do it.

RT.

www.mental-health-matters.com...

...this is just a small part of the article... you should go read it, leira...

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity – the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

•Abused Children
•Battered/Abused Women
•Prisoners of War
•Cult Members
•Incest Victims
•Criminal Hostage Situations
•Concentration Camp Prisoners
•Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.

Originally posted by Majestic23
It's almost like you girls like being treated like dirt or something.

PS. MJ23 is available (whod have thought it?) and male and 23 . Plus I got a net connection which is like some kind of aphrodisiac for you. Plus you like star wars and conspiracies so we can have 45% less awkward silence time and Iam like a totally Ned Flanders nice guy........you worthless b*tch lol.

(please dont read that out in a Buffalo Bill voice in your head).

Did you mean Buffalo Bill the cowboy...or Buffalo Bob...as in the creepy guy from Joe Dirt (Silence of the Lambs)?

Either way....top notch

Girl, RUN. And don't look back. He is never going to be good enough for you, no matter how much he changes.

Originally posted by Mike Stivic

if you dont want to quit WoW get a namechange and a server transfer, And move on,

I just have to say, where WoW and relationships collide I've never known of a good outcome. Ever.

reply to post by leira7


As horrible as this situation is, you actually have the upper hand in this one. You can choose the amount of communication you have with this 'man'. I say 'man' because part of a mans worth is the respect he shows of the women around him, concidering he shows none, it is infact him that is worthless. NOT you.

As hard as it is when you feel extremely attached to someone, what you want is not always neccisarily what you need and in this case it is detrimental to your health.

Its going to be hard, but cut off ALL communication. You will experience some sort of withdrawal but it is worth it in the end. Thank god its just online! If it was more face to face it would be alot more difficult. If he knows where you are move, and change all your passwords to everything.
Really, and i say this with extremely good intentions. Only you can give power to someone, i do not blame you or judge you at all because you have been grossly manipulated. But understanding this is the first step of putting control back in your life.
So take your control back and F*** him off!
Your 23 and have your whole life ahead of you! Dont be tied down to this BS now. Your a young woman who has infinite potential. Go out and be free.

reply to post by leira7


The question here is not whether he is deserving of your love or not because you have strongly implied that you think he is. So I'm not even going to question that. Everyone is deserving of love.

The problem is not your boyfriend, WoW, or even you. The problem here is your perspective. Is it not true that when one loves someone, truly loves someone, as you have stated that you do, that they want to give that person the very best of everything and will sacrifice in order to do so? The very best in this case, as in all relationships, is a mentally & emotionally sound YOU. You’ve stated that you know he sees you as stupid, you even see you as stupid "I am a stupid woman" (from the OP).., so why not work on YOU? Love and respect yourself first in order to give him the VERY BEST.

If you find that the HARD work of truly loving and respecting yourself is too hard and refuse to do it, then maybe you should reconsider whether it is truly love for him that you are feeling.

A warning here: If you do this hard work of loving yourself in order to provide him with the very best you, then, from what you’ve told us, you may actually lose him in the process.

So, the choice is yours, and the challenge… Do you love him enough to give him the very best you, or not?

Think on that.

Leira, please do not think for one minute that this man will ever change and that things will miraculously change. They will only get worse. I think you know the answer deep down inside. The red flags have gone up and you know that this is an unhealthy relationship. You know that this relationship is not the right one for you. Any man that belittles a woman is not worthy of her time, attention, or love.

I know that you love him, but just think of how much worse it will be if you wait to cut him loose. We will be here for you to help you pick up the pieces of your life and turn it around. This man does not love you. If he loved you, he would nurture the relationship. He would love and appreciate you and validate your worth. He will not change. Things will get worse and not better. I think you know this already. Hugs!

Oh I feel for you. This relationship is not only bad for you mentally but might wind up being bad for you physically.

An example of this is my neice. She is 27 has two kids and was so in love with a guy that it blinded her. He took over her bank account, he followed her everywhere, went through her phone, read her texts, didn't want her to leave the house with him knowing. At first he was non violent then it escalated. He was drunk one night while I was over visiting her and the kids and he punched her in the jaw in front of her kids and dang near knocked her out. I DID knock him out, took a frying pan to him but thats not the point. Even after hitting her and screaming at her kids she still didn't get out. She said he loved him to much. The hitting got worse, but the breaking point came when he hit one of the boys. She had finally had enough and got out. He came looking for her multipal times. Then one day he went to my sisters looking for her and still didn't find her. Later that night he shot himself leaving a note blaming her. The note also stated that his intention had been to find her and the boys, kill them and then kill himself. Thank god she had not only got out but she had run and run far, to the tune of two thousand miles and was in North Dakota with me.

She blames herself for his death. Thinks she could have stopped him. She is so depressed that most days she just lays around and does nothing, I get her kids up and ready for school. That has to stop. She has started counseling which is the best thing for her and it seems to be helping.

The point of all this is that your guy may be verbal now but there is a good chance that it might get much much worse and the out come might be horrendous. Please, please, please get out now. I know you love him but my neice loved her guy to and that didn't turn out so well. I don't want what happened to her to happen to anyone else and will do everything in my power to help those it is happening to. So please turn off your computer, take a trip, go to counseling, get a dog, do ANYTHING you have to do to break away from this guy. Maybe when you turn off your computer and go out in the world, who knows prince charming might be waiting right down the road and maybe prince charming will treat you like the princess you need to be treated like. Get out now, it might just be the best thing you have ever done.

reply to post by leira7


Leira,

You obviously have some self-esteem issues. And that's ok, we all do sometimes. But you're letting this a$$hole treat you like you're a piece of crap. You're NOT a piece of crap, you're a beautiful human being who deserves to be treated with love and respect. Demand that others treat you as such. It's the only way, stop being the victim, stand up for yourself, you can do it!

My advice is to unplug from WoW for a while. Dump him ASAP, like a band-aid, just rip it off. Try and go out and meet some people in person, but do it on your own terms. You sound like an intelligent and nice person so you shouldn't should have a problem meeting a someone that is right for you. Don't EVER settle for some douche who abuses your physically or emotionally. Life's way too short to even give these people the time of day.

Also, NEVER give your passwords to ANYBODY! That is a massive invasion of YOUR privacy.

There's a big bright world out there with lots of nice people who would be thrilled to meet you.

Get out there!

reply to post by leira7


Leira:
It sounds like you have a "dependant personality", as do I. I put up with a financially and emotionally abusive marriage for almost 20 years, until she announced out of the blue that "I don't want to be married anymore". It seems to be a trend now, the midlife crisis - the idea of going out partying and f**king around was more important than our marriage or children. That put me over the edge, I almost committed suicide, but elected to spend a lovely week in the psych ward.

I too was a gaming addict, but offline rather than online. I realized that all the years I spent playing those games in front of that computer screen, I was basically wasting my life. The last ten years of my life seemed to have passed in no time, like a fog...

NO ONE is worth going through what you are going through. Think about it... how many billion people are on this planet, do you really think if you lose this guy there isn't someone out there of much higher quality who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve?

PLEASE - follow the advice that is given to you here. Don't just think about it - DO IT. It won't be easy, but once you are out of the relationship you will realize you made the right choice. I would rather be alone the rest of my life, than endure for one more minute what I had to go through.