ATS Unleashed: Joke of the Week!

It turns out that romantic relationships between two astronauts never work out, because eventually they both are going to need their space.

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Here the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.

[snip]

A recent poll suggests that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

My Wife is leaving me because she said I was Paranoid.

Well she hasn`t yet,but I know she will.

So a guy walks into a bar, and breaks his noes.

5 out of 6 people enjoy russian roulette

Got to be from Minna soda to appreciate this....
Verks 4 me.
A Norwegian Math Test --- This only works for those
in Minnna soda or Viskonsin…don’t cha know!

Ole, a Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman
doesn’t want to hire him, so he says he won't hire him until he passes a
little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said.
'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Witout numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.'
and proceeds to draw three trees.

What's this?' the boss asks.
Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine,' says the Norwegian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time represent the number 99.'
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then
picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each
tree. 'Dar ya go!'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?'
'You must be from Iowa …Each of DA trees is dirty
now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to
actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then
he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'


The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!'
The Norwegian winces and shakes his head…UFF-DAH…you
must be a Finlander from Iowa…he leans forward and points to the marks
at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped
by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a
turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !!
So, ven do I start?

Why research administrators earn the big bucks.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken."

I'm going to be an optimist this week, but I doubt it'll work.

Barrack the Baseball Prez!!!!!

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president.

Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"

So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field

She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the FIRST PITCH!!!"

Did you hear about the Ice-cream man who's in hospital? He got shot with a magnum.

They say his chances are flaky... they're 100s and 1000s to one.

This is a joke from golden girls!

Sophia- *crying* my friend just died, she was 88 years old.
Dorothy- oh how did she die?
SOphia- She was fighting a oil rig fire off the coast of mexico.
Sophia- SHE WAS 88!

hahaha i love the sarcasm

[SNIP]


Mod Note: ATS likes to keep it clean. Funny is good, but...

*** REMINDER ***

KEEP IT CLEAN !!!!!!

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means...

''Unleaded Fuel Only.''
***********************************************************************************

What's the difference between an honest politician and a UFO?

I don't know, I've never seen either one.
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A guy's sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him,licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything.the next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. five minutes later, it happens again. this time he yells at him to stop. ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. finally, he jumps up and screams, " If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your (CENSORED) off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. the guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you (CENSORED)?!!"
the alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
**********************************************************************************
Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached the gas pumps and Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. "

The gas pump, of course, did not respond.

Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to fire upon you."

Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must not anger him................", but ...before he could finish his warning Zathar fired upon the gas pump.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, Zathar turned to Caad and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you determine it to be so dangerous?"

Caad answered, "If there's one thing I've learned in my travels throughout the galaxy, it's when a guy has a (CENSORED) he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear... don't mess with him."
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It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
**************************************************************

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
****************************************************************************
Fighter Pilots

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
********************************************************************************
A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"
************************************************************************************
Theres an ARMY guy and a Marine in the bathroom taking a leak, The Army guy zips up and starts to leave, The marine runs to stop him and says..."You know, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands AFTER WE PEE." Then the Army guy SAYS..." In the Army they teach not to pee on our hands!"
************************************************************************************
A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

"Doc, you've gotta help me. My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can’t prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE,
understand? JUST ONE!"

"I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, “’Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."