Your New Reality: How traumatic grief reshapes your world

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric
I hope I'm not crossing any bounds here but, if I could say something about your daughter...She needs you. She needs her father for as long as she can possibly have you in her life. If there are ways to improve your health, maybe your daughter can be a source of inspiration or strength. I will tell you in all honesty that the lonliest moment of my entire life was the moment when I realized that I was orphan and I wouldn't wish that feeling onto anyone.

Thanks (and thanks, again to everyone on the thread.)

That's my fear, the loneliness that you felt, which is why I'll stick around for as long as I can. I have two great sisters that love her a lot and tried to do the "long distance mother by proxy thing" when, growing up, she got into something that needed a female perspective. That will help.

But we've had some very frank discussions about the potential, and I haven't pulled any punches, because a piece of this that I didn't really reference is that, in our marriage, I was the one with health problems, not Patti.

I'm a firm believer in "things happen for a reason," particularly big things. I've had a health problem, off and on, for many years, and last fall, during my annual physical, it came up again, but this time it couldn't be written off. The tests showed that there was potentially something seriously wrong, and they scheduled a follow up in March.

I had the followup test, and on a Monday afternoon, I got the results in the mail -- no change, which was a good thing. I called Patti, who was out of town, and she said "that's the best news possible!" Eight days later, she was dead.

When I'd gotten the initial test results in the fall, I told her that we needed to get life insurance, and get our wills written. We got the insurance in January, but never got around to the wills (I have since had mine written.) The life insurance that we got on Patti, which we never would have, had that first test not come out the way it did, will ensure that our daughter will be able to complete university, which would have been a lot more iffy without it, and without Patti.

So, with my "things happen for a reason," I'm left with two possibilities. First, the test last fall was a false positive, but served to scare me into getting the life insurance. Or secondly, something happened that staved off what will, most likely, kill me, so that I can get things in order. Patti's heart condition was genetic, and after talking with her family, it seems very likely that, had I died in January or February, the stress of losing me would most likely have had her follow shortly. That would have made for a huge mess, as my estate would go to her, and hers would go to her sisters and brothers, not our daughter. I'm sure that things would have worked out, but what a legal mess.

Time will tell. I have another test in a few months, and with that in mind, I've prepared things as best I can for my daughter. I won't leave her willingly, but I'll find out this fall if I'm going to have a choice.

Unless you really don't hold anybody dearly to your heart, you will be forced to reckon with death before your own time to come, and no amount of dealing or moving on will combat the change.

When death comes into your life in a profoundly personal way, nothing is the same. Absolutely nothing. Your perspective in life, elucidated by your emotionality during movies, tells me that you will be just as devastated, if not more so, as OP.

In my case, I was greeted by death at the age of 8. My father suffered a fatal heart-attack early in the morning on Valentines Day '97. From then on, I couldn't take anything sersiously. I stopped being able to have fun with friends, much less make them. I couldn't rouse interest in any playful activities, I couldn't engage family or females in affection. It was like the floor had been pulled out from under me and I didn't even get to fall.

I think the OP neglected to emphasize the non grief aspects, what you go through as a human being face to face with mortality as an ever present thing, not some vague inevitable possibility that has some sense of future tense.

For me, at least, death was on par to bing dosed with both heaviest hallucinogen known to man and having that sobering shot of arenaline seen in movies. Normalcy is a myth. What people call normal is a state of blissful ignorance, nothing more. I feel I live in a realer world than most people around me. When those in my life who have not experienced something so humbling as death begin to have anxiety over the strangest things like school or money or lover's squabbles, I just ask them what they are afraid of. They usually start blathering some psychologically suspect list of superficial dependancies on material, monetary, or carnal dependancies or try to turn the situation on me and attempt to poke holes in my personality and life.

Very rarely do they take the "zen" path and tell me or themselves that the worst that could happen is death, and that's not even a bad or avoidable outcome.

I can't pretend to know the implications of losing a lover, but, as a boy who was forced to become a man without the aid of a father precisely because the death of his father, I can attest the to the feeling of emptiness, of being unwhole.

I think this feeling is not necessarily exclusive to grief. I think it actually is part of being a conscious being in a world full of pain and suffering and inevitable demise. Death merely pulls back the veil that has been covering the hole up until that point, revealing an essential pain that is necessary to overcome. Once you arrive on the other side, you realize there was no hole, the hole is you, a single entity unable experience the rest of the world or the people in it that you love.

I don't even know what I want to say any more, which is basically the end result of losing someone.

reply to post by theflyingscudman


woops, that second paragraph was left over from when i started that post as a reply to another poster, please igonore it. or not.
by the way, OP, I forgot to offer my deepest sympathy, I know what it's like to be greeted with the empty questions of how I am doing, knowing that people around me are put off, even offended by my presence due to my being somehow tainted by the undertaker. Once in a while, you get someone who, instead of asking how things are and offering condolences, just puts their hand on your shoulder and speaks frankly about the merciless manner in which life presents it's negative aspects. This is always more comforting and heartening than people telling your to get over it(IMPOSSIBLE, you don't get over being born, why should you get over death) and trying to cheer you up.

[edit on 27-7-2010 by theflyingscudman]

Of my friends and lovers who have passed on, I realize that a part of them was left with me, their living memories they shared with me. It is not long before an expression arises or a feeling overcomes me because of the experience I had with them while they were alive and I am reminded of the wonderful persons they were.

With me, all of my dead loved ones have come back to visit me in my dreams, and each time it happens I look at them and say, "do you realize you are dead?" and they smile and agree with me. I guess for me my dreams are the places where I work through my grief of the finality that presents itself, and in a way that is so real to me but not final at all.

It is not uncommon for a deceased loved one to 'pop' into my head from time to time. I take this as a visitation and an opportunity; I find myself turning to them to tell them my thoughts and troubles, or even happy adventures, I talk to them as if they were right there next to me and often I hear them as clear as when they were alive. It's and odd and comforting thing. It is sort of like having a Muse or Guardian Angel.

To the OP: I do hope you can open emotionally about your loss. The shock you experienced may have put your emotional base in a holding pattern and so you are literally stuck in that moment of Loss emotionally.

I can say with all honesty that they live through us! Vicariously they are there to experience our struggles with us. They take great humor in us and they take great joy in our accomplishments, but they also can be bombarded by our pain too. Efforts should be taken at bringing Joy back into our lives, we owe it to them to become happier souls on this Earth, it is their source of Joy.

I often wonder if I outlive everyone in my life will there be anyone to remember me, but then I realize I would just incarnate the moment I am given the chance anyways; and away my dramas would unfold again. Time is best suited for Happiness even in the shadow of Death. Get Living again!

[edit on 7/27/2010 by Greensage]

reply to post by Gorman91


You have never grieved over a loved one? Have you ever felt love to know what it means when a loved one is gone?

You puzzle me in a very profound way.

reply to post by Gorman91


You can cry after watching a fiction based movie but cannot cry from grief after losing a loved one??????

Please explain to me how that is possible.
I'm not judging or ridiculing....

I'm honestly wanting to know how you can simply accept death yet mourn fiction.

First I would like to say I am truly sorry for your loss as I can somewhat understand it. You will read below what I mean. I think if she had passed away though I would be in much worse shape then I am now.

I wanted to PM you, but I will openly ask your opinion as maybe you have some insight. Who knows maybe it will help others.

My girlfriend(ex) of 5years left me and I feel horrid just horrid. Like its been 8months and I still feel unable to talk to other girls etc. We have a child together. We still have to talk to each other. She is with someone else. I myself really want to move on.

I want to move on more then anything. Because I am tired of feeling just pain when I talk to her. Tired of shutting people out. I don't get what to do. I have tried it all. Hanging out with other people etc. When I get close to any of them I push them away, because I still want her and my old life. I want that love.

I don't know maybe it was just me who wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I thought I would openly ask you your opinion.

Nice to see someone who lives near me.

Also how do you deal with looking at your daughter and just seeing her. I am sure it happens to you. Like I don't just see her I see us. She has both our features.

Don't get me wrong this does not make me push my daughter away. I am an amazing father, but doesn't it hurt or effect you and how do you deal?

After I get my daughter in bed I just get like depressed.

I am sorry for the loss of your wife. I too have been through many traumatic experiences and I wanted to add a Grief symptom, which I experienced and is quite rare. I ended up being hospitilized for it.

3 horrible things happened to me in a period of 6 months. I lost my vision, I was diagnosed with MS, and I was dumped by "soulmate". I had a nervous breakdown. I never had it when I was diagnosed with MS and the doctors didnt tell me if I would ever see again. I kept it in and was strong for myself. I didnt grieve when I learned that I would see again, but that my life would be forever changed. But, the straw that broke the camels back- was my then boyfriend at the time, breaking up with me, just as we were planning marriage- because he couldnt deal with my illness and what it meant for our future.

What happened to me next, I will never fully understand. While I Have had significant depression and anxiety my entire life, this was 100 times worse. Basically, I was unable to cope with anything. I was breaking down and crying hysterically and screaming hysterically like every hour. I couldnt cope with a damn thing. My psychiatrist recommended that I be hospitalized at a psychiatric hospital for grief.

What saved my life was a little magic pill called Seroquel. After getting on that, I no longer felt the excrusiating pain that caused me to scream and wail. I went on short term disability leave at my job and stayed home for a good 3 months, when I decided to just change my entire life, and move to a new state and start a new career.

I did so- and within 5 months of moving, I met my Husband, and while things are still hard, I am very happy that I Have met him.

My advice for you, is that while you may very likely still be going through the stages of grief, dont get "hung up" on the idea that we only have 1 soulmate out there. The truth is, we tell that to ourselves so that we feel comforted in knowing that there is a match for us. But in reality, we have many opportunities for soulmates in our lives. I have met 3 in my lifetime. I am sharing this with you, because I want to encourage you that there is likely someone out there, who will be a soulmate to you in a different way, should you want to look for companionship in the future.

Originally posted by xynephadyn
I am sorry for the loss of your wife. I too have been through many traumatic experiences and I wanted to add a Grief symptom, which I experienced and is quite rare. I ended up being hospitilized for it.

3 horrible things happened to me in a period of 6 months. I lost my vision, I was diagnosed with MS, and I was dumped by "soulmate". I had a nervous breakdown. I never had it when I was diagnosed with MS and the doctors didnt tell me if I would ever see again. I kept it in and was strong for myself. I didnt grieve when I learned that I would see again, but that my life would be forever changed. But, the straw that broke the camels back- was my then boyfriend at the time, breaking up with me, just as we were planning marriage- because he couldnt deal with my illness and what it meant for our future.

What happened to me next, I will never fully understand. While I Have had significant depression and anxiety my entire life, this was 100 times worse. Basically, I was unable to cope with anything. I was breaking down and crying hysterically and screaming hysterically like every hour. I couldnt cope with a damn thing. My psychiatrist recommended that I be hospitalized at a psychiatric hospital for grief.

What saved my life was a little magic pill called Seroquel. After getting on that, I no longer felt the excrusiating pain that caused me to scream and wail. I went on short term disability leave at my job and stayed home for a good 3 months, when I decided to just change my entire life, and move to a new state and start a new career.

I did so- and within 5 months of moving, I met my Husband, and while things are still hard, I am very happy that I Have met him.

My advice for you, is that while you may very likely still be going through the stages of grief, dont get "hung up" on the idea that we only have 1 soulmate out there. The truth is, we tell that to ourselves so that we feel comforted in knowing that there is a match for us. But in reality, we have many opportunities for soulmates in our lives. I have met 3 in my lifetime. I am sharing this with you, because I want to encourage you that there is likely someone out there, who will be a soulmate to you in a different way, should you want to look for companionship in the future.

This is good information also. Thanks a lot. I myself would not care if my Ex was blind, in a wheel chair, etc I would be there for her. She knows it also. She know how good of person I am and that's just what makes it so much worse.

What a fantastic piece of literature. You wrote in ways i wish i could.

I've been having similar thoughts on something like this, since i'm about to get married soon (2 days).

This girl was a classmate for half a year 12 years ago. We met up again and it was love at first sight. Similarly to your story, engaged after 3 months, and getting married 3 months after that.

I don't know why i'm thinking too far ahead and about unhappy thoughts. She's changed my life and we're not even married yet i'm wondering about how i could ever go on with life without her.

I'm not sure what my point is actually, besides maybe to just let you know that i really appreciate what you've shared.

God gives us difficulties in life because the message is in the silver lining we were meant to find for ourselves.

Thanks again.

Btw, i've been lurking on ats for years. This drove me to post something.

[edit on 28-7-2010 by neowakko]

i definitely feel your pain OP. in a huge way.

the only thing i can say, in reference to such a loss, is that i pray that the days get easier and you already know she didnt want to leave...and eventually you'll be able to take a deep breath without feeling pain.
when that day comes, please go and do something you truly enjoy. she doesnt want you unhappy forever.

[edit on 28-7-2010 by ahmonrarh]

After reading your thread, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I feel so much compassion for you.

Your words and structure is as though you are speaking out loud and not writing them down. Such a brave way of expressing your soul to us all. You are a brave and caring man and although I join a long list of others I truely want to say I hope that one day things will get better for you and the numbness subsides.

Although I myself am not a religious person when it comes to a god, I will pray for you because you are. After reading your thread I feel it is the least I can do to try and help you.

Love and light

FSF

Thank you for this post. (s&f)

I am struggling to deal with the death of my mother/soulmate/friend! I am doing the best that I can but am finding it very difficult to want to stay here, alone!
Sorry, I can't even express what I am feeling but thank you, I will read your post again and try to post a more meaningful and less emotional response!

[edit on 28/7/10 by wiser3]

reply to post by adjensen


Thank you for this post...As another member said earlier in the thread, this post has touched a part of me that I no longer thought could be touched.

I am 26 years old. I met my wife when we were both 19 years old and within a few short weeks of dating we both knew that we had found the one we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. We both knew we were young and understood that there were many variables in life that neither of us had much grasp on at such a young age. We understood that life changes people, particularly young people, and many distance forms between people because of such changes. However, we both knew deep down in our hearts that no matter what happened in our lives the one thing we wanted was to be with each other. We truly were 'soul mates' and much like yourself we were married very quickly...Three short months after meeting for the first time to be exact.

In October of 2006 my wife was killed in a tragic house fire at our home in Virginia. She had just celebrated her 22nd birthday a little over a month before her untimely death. The fire at our house occurred in the very early morning hours of the 7th day of October and because my grandpa was fighting a horrible battle with cancer at the time and the stress on my grandma was severe, to say the least, I had been spending a few nights a week with them to help take care of my ailing grandpa.

I was woke up by a phone call from a friend of my wife that I also knew very well. At that time she gave me the world shattering news that my house had caught on fire and that my wife (Tabatha) had lost her life in the inferno. I was in total shock when I heard this and for a few minutes literally refused to believe what I was being told. I was instructed to go to the local hospital because I had to identify her body. I called my mother, whom I am very close to, and told her what I had just been informed of and like much like myself, at first she couldn't/wouldn't believe what I had just told her. I asked her to drive me to the hospital because I was afraid of what might become of me if the news I had just been given was found to be true when I arrived at the hospital. I arrived at the hospital at just before 9 am and was promptly told to follow the nurse to the room where they had her body. Following her instruction I was lead to a small room and the door was opened and there laid my wife, uncovered, body bag only zipped to the waist...it was the worst sight my eyes have ever seen (she died of smoke inhalation not the actually fire...thought she was burnt in many places on her face and her skin was anywhere from shades of gray to flat black)

I know that sounds horrible, and it was, but I am sure some will wonder why I shared that. I shared that because I read the OPs and many others talk about how 'numb' they feel/felt. That is why it was shared. Because before any emotion was felt, I felt 'numb'. When I saw her body lying there, eyes partially opened, sort of staring at me, yet almost sort of staring through me I went completely blank and though I had always thought that in a moment as horrible as that the reaction would be MUCH different than one of complete emptiness...and by emptiness I mean no feeling whatsoever...no tears, no screams, no nothing, just complete silence....I could not speak...I couldn't move...All I could really do is sit down in a chair that was in the room and stare at her. It was like even seeing wasn't believing at that point. I couldn't wrap my head around her being dead.

This state of being...this 'numbness'...persisted throughout the wake, the funeral, and for a time thereafter. I only vaguely remember any of those things. Months after the funeral I still could not even remember where the graveyard she was buried in was. To this day I don't know how to get to the graveyard...

...The state of shock started to wear off about 3 weeks later and it was replaced with a overwhelming feeling of guilt. (An investigation had been done and it had been determined that the cause of the fire was electrical) The feelings of guilt stemmed from the fact that the local fire department pinned the fire down to a single outlet in the living room of our house. Tabatha had turned on a small electric osculating heater (she froze all the time...being a very petite woman it did not take much to make her get cold) According to their report the fire actually started in the wall as a result of an overload cause by the mixture of older wiring and the 3000 watt modern heater which she apparently had turned up to the max output setting. My guilt came in a few different forms. I felt guilty that I wasn't there when she needed me the most. I felt guilty that just weeks before the fire I had locked my keys in the house and had to kick in my own back door, a door that at the time I kicked it in was in desperate need of some repairs, because it kicked in very easily, yet after I repaired it just a week or so before the fire, was very sturdy. (The back door is where they found her during the fire...apparently she couldn't see for all the smoke so she was actually trying to kick the back door out, so much so that she bent the metal door at least a foot outward at the bottom but the lock wouldn't break...before this door was fixed it would have been very easy to kick it out...I had even opened it with a good shoulder nudge a few times when trying to find the exact problem with it prior to changing the lock)
My guilt also stemmed from my thought that it was my fault that the house caught on fire in the first place. I am life long carpenter and electrician and have been working with both them far longer than I have been an adult. (many family members work in these trades and I showed much interest in them at a very young age) A few months before the fire an outlet on the same wall was malfunctioning and was loose in the wall so I changed it. Now keep in mind this is not the same outlet that holds the wire that the fire supposedly started from, but in my mind I had messed up. In my mind my 'inadequate' fixing of that outlet led to the fire that killed my Tabatha.

As the guilt began to consume me I began to lose my will to live. I began to lose my will to be anything but apathetic towards everything. I began to follow a path of self destructive behaviors and became rather deeply involved in some less than healthy ways to kill the sorrow that I was feeling. I began to curse 'God' for taking her and not me. I thought it was unfair that she had survived such a horrible things as being struck by a car at 16 years of age. A car accident that put her in a coma for 18 solid days and broke many of the bones in her body. A car accident that put a hole that the first responders said you could stick your fist in (she was struck by a vehicle moving at 45 mph, thrown onto the hood of the car at which point it hit a guardrail throwing her off the hood and over a 70 foot embankment/cliff where she landed in the parking lot of an apartment complex below....on her head...hence the big hole in her head) Doctors told her parents at the time of that accident that there was practically no hope for her to survive, which they believed because they didn't even remove the asphalt from places in her forehead, they just, in their words "made her look decent enough to have a open casket funeral". Yet she pulled through that. I could not understand how 'God' would 'save' her life just to take it away 8 short years later.

These things progressed in my mind on a daily basis for many months after her death. Within a year I had lost my job because I just could not focus or function. I just didn't want to be there. I just wanted to die because I seen no need in going on without the thing I loved the most....

...I lost many friends because of this tragedy as well. I no longer wanted to be around people and for the most part no one wanted to be around me. I was bitter and dull and just had no urge to do anything those around me considered fun. All I wanted to do was find ways to escape. I went into a deep state of depression that persisted in many ways to my present day life.

I still think about Tabatha everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what our lives could have been like if she had not died such an early death. Only a few short years together. Many times I have replayed every single argument we ever had in my head and oh, how I would beat myself up for each of them. For wasting time on things of such trivial nature when a simple "I'm sorry baby, lets talk it out and move on past it" would have saved many precious moments that I can never get back. Moment that could have been used to generate many happy memories in both our souls.

This is where what I have learned is spoken and then I will stop this way too lengthy post, which btw I am sorry for...It's just that I felt it was relevant to what you were saying about the stages of grief and for me to show that I had to tell many parts of the story. I am sorry OP and I will ask the mods to delete my post if you find it overshadowing your post. This was not my intention.
Ok....I have came to the last stage of grief in the last 8 to 10 months. Acceptance...I have accepted the fact that I, just like yourself, can never spend another moment on this planet with my Tabatha. I will never again see her face shimmer in sunlight or glow in the light of a candle. I have accepted that I can never again touch her, hold her, or tell her I love her while I am here on this earth. All these things and many more I have accepted. I have in many ways came to 'peace', if you can call it that, with all these things. I have found some happiness and after spending the last 2 years or so bouncing from bad relationship to worse relationship with too many women to speak of, I have finally found someone I think my wife would have been satisfied with. (we, on many occasions, had discussed our mortality and the prospect of one of us dying young, and our views on relationships beyond each other in the event that something like this did happen...never thinking it could actually happen...but at this point in my life SO glad that we had those discussions openly and honestly) I know Tabatha wanted me to be happy if something happened to her. I know that she wanted me to try to love again, to try to find some solace in being forced to live without her here. I have found love again and everyday I feel that Tabatha approves of it from wherever she may be. She is in my heart and connected to my soul in ways that I do not fully understand and I can almost hear her approving of my current relationship. (Something I didn't feel when I was running from woman to woman trying to find anyone to connect with, anyone to fill the void that was inside)
The is a hole in my heart these days that will never be filled, a place inside me that died the day that Tabatha died. But I have learned that we must find a way to carry on. It is the way of the world and whether it sucks or not it has to be accepted because it cannot be changed. If I let the sorrow and guilt consume me I cannot live a life that is any way 'normal'. If I had continued to allow it to consume me I don't think I would even be here to type this today. Sorrow of that magnitude kills you from the inside out and I understand what is meant by a 'rebirth' of sorts. And like you said, the 'rebirth' is merely another step in the process of finding a sense of normalcy, a step in finding out where you go and what you do now. I try to live day to day and am very blessed to have such an understanding woman who sees that not everyday is a progressive day in that journey and some days I slide backwards.

I am very blessed to have someone now who understands that as much as she can never fill that hole that was created by this tragedy in my life, that it doesn't mean that I don't have a huge place in my heart and soul left to love her as I did Tabatha. I know she does not try to replace her and I am lucky to have found a soul that I connect with so deeply, not once but twice now in my life. This is something that some are only granted once and other go through life never getting to experience such a thing. TF (we will call her that for now...TF would be my current girlfriend/wife....I call her my wife but it's not offical....yet...anyways that off subject) My point is...the only thing I have really learned in almost 4 years of grief and mourning is we must always carry on. And we must never take for granted the ones we love, we must never take for granted that they will always be there tomorrow. Sounds like a pretty simple concept, one that many of us have been told since we were young. But to apply it and live by it takes effort. And to live with having took those things for granted is even harder. Where do we go once we accept such pain? Are such things a test? Is the pain of such lose so great that it would be better not to try to move on and love again? I don't think it is....others think differently and would rather never try to love again. Others will choose not to out of respect for the loved one they lost. But I think we must try...The loved ones we grieve for live on this planet in one place and one place only.....in the hearts and memories of those that are left here to try to cope with their passing. For myself it has been a long, difficult, and often very dark road that I have been placed on. A road filled with other heart aches and loses as well as the death of my wife.
Only 8 months after Tabatha's untimely passing, my grandpa, who was the only father I ever really had, succumb to the cancer that had for so long tortured him. For 2 years I watched him die slowly in ways that I will not speak of. But i know that wherever he is now, it is surely better than suffering as he was on this planet. We have to keep the memory of our loved ones alive....remembering the good times we had with them and not just focusing on our lose. That is what they would want I think....I know it is what I would want if I passed and those that loved me mourned me.

"Rebirth"? In a very real sense that is what it is to lose a dear loved one and finally accept it. To carry on is my only answer to where we go after that. It is not the answer many long for but IMO I am afraid it is the only answer.

Thank you for your post adjensen...Writing this has been very beneficial for me as well as it will hopefully be beneficial to my dear "TF" who will be asked to read this when she wakes up.

As another member said earlier in the thread....know that you are not alone...I feel this from this thread as much as I ever have from anything. This was an excellent post...one of the best I have came across in a self help...for myself...kinda way.....This thread has made me feel things I haven't felt in a while and though some of them bring back bad memories of the tragic events that lead to your OP and the posts that followed, I think and I sincerely hope that it helps someone still trying to find that sense of 'normalcy' after the lose of someone they dearly cared for. Thank you OP for all your thoughts....

Peace and love to you,

Jakal26

reply to post by Jakal26


Hi Jakal, I would have given you a flag if I could, starred!
No matter that your reply was long, I needed to read it!
Thank you!

reply to post by wiser3


Thanks wiser...for taking the time to read such a long post. I am glad to hear that in some way my story could relate to yours. It is good to know that you as well as myself are not alone in the way we feel sometimes. It makes me hopefully for brighter days for all of us knowing that I can touch another in some way with my own experiences. Thank you for taking the time to respond because I needed to hear that from someone as well.......Though like I said I hope that the OP doesn't find this post as someone trying to overshadow his post because that is definitely not my goal. Not in any way, shape or form. I was merely trying to respond to the OP with my own personal experience and describe how the stages of grief have affected my life in ways that have changed me as a person forever.
I started to try and just give a brief summary of the events in my life but it seems that being the long winded person that I tend to be, I have an inability to summarize things....

Peace and love to you wiser,

Jakal26