How to be a successful bumb

Originally posted by brygivrob
"Successful bum" is an oxymoron.

Jesus Christ and Guatama Buddha might beg to differ about the value of a life spent drifting with no posessions. Just sayin'.

A dog. A dog can save your life , ward off drunken bullies, kept youwarm and acted as his eyes and ears whilst you slept.

People often take extra pity on you because you then needed to feed the dog.



[edit on 18-2-2010 by mr-lizard]

IF you are a male, I'd say post an ad on CL looking for a woman that will house and feed you in return for nighttime favors.

[edit on 18-2-2010 by bryan2006]

Originally posted by bryan2006
IF you are a male, I'd say post an ad on CL looking for a woman that will house and feed you in return for nighttime favors.

[edit on 18-2-2010 by bryan2006]

A career like that would work for a woman too.........

Well... if a "bum" or "bumb" (english not first language here, had to figure out the meaning), is someone who does not have a Job (by financial definition) or many possessions, then could we be talking about Possum Living ?

If you’ve ever dreamed about quitting the rat race and taking control of your life, spend an afternoon with Dolly Freed’s Possum Living. Inspiring and entertaining, she will show you how.
After discussing reasons why you should or shouldn't give up your job, POSSUM LIVING gives you details about the cheapest ways with the best results to buy and maintain your own home, dress well, cope with the law, stay healthy, and keep up a middle-class facade--whether you live in the city, in the suburbs, or in a small town. In a delightful, straightforward style, Dolly Freed explains how to be lazy, proud, miserly, and honest, live well, and enjoy leisure.

There is even an ATS Thread about it around here... though the link to the article in this thread does not seem to point to the original thing.

I may have saved it somewhere, if I can dig it up I'll post here.





Peace

You go on welfare and have 6 kids, that is how they do it here in LA. You can make more money not having a job. Sad but true.
www.abovetopsecret.com...

+1 for going on welfare.

You have to do it right, though. You can't just apply for food stamps, feed your kids, and call it a day. You have to get your kids on the free lunch program at school so that you can spend more food stamps on yourself. You have to become morbidly obese, also. Make sure you spend most of your food money on pop, potato chips, desserts, and fast food. And make sure that you underfeed your kids so that there's more free food for yourself. They can probably get by on just that free lunch at school and a bowl of ramen noodles for dinner, so try that out.

You have to get the cash assistance, also. Just eating taxpayer's money isn't enough, you have to spend it on frivolous things also. Make sure you use that welfare cash to smoke 3 packs a day, go through a case or two of beer every week, and buy yourself all the new video games that are out. World of Warcraft is popular and it costs 15 taxpayer dollars a month. Signing up for that and paying for it with welfare money is a must for anyone wishing to become a worthless friggin' bum.

There's also housing assistance and government housing. Chances are, you can live somewhere for pretty close to free if you look hard enough. The tough part is getting into a house. Once you've signed the lease, it can take months to kick you out. So just apartment hop every few months, but do your best to keep it down to 4 or less actual rent payments a year. Make sure you find a dishonest way to make those payments, though. Stealing stuff from one Wal-Mart and then returning it to another Wal-Mart for a "refund" is a popular way to do it.

The most important thing is to make sure you act the role. It's not enough to be a festering, worthless mooch on society. You've got to rub it in everyone's face that their money is keeping your fat butt around. Make sure not to clean yourself or wear deodorant. Not only is that a waste of cigarette money, but it also makes you fit in with people who earn the air they breathe. When you're around, YOU should be the only one breathing. Everyone else should be holding their breath. You've got to smell bad enough that nobody else is trying to hog all the good oxygen. It's good to give people some advance warning that you're going to smell like turd, so every 3 or 4 days you should make sure you're wearing the dirtiest shirt you own.

Remember: If you aren't at least 100 pounds overweight, people don't avoid eye contact, and the cashiers at Wal-Mart don't point and laugh at you when you walk away then you are an unsuccessful bum. Being a bum means putting all of your effort into expending no effort at all. It's a lifestyle choice. It's not like a fad diet. You can't do it for a year or two and then go back to being a decent person. You've got to give up completely on ever being worth your weight in mud again. Otherwise you aren't a bum, you're just a regular person who's hit a rough patch.

Being a bum means really going for it. The journey for bumhood is like the journey for the remote control: Once you find it, the plan is to sit there without moving again until you go to bed.

If anything I've said offends anyone, then you're probably a successful bum. Go list your computer on E-Bay, sell it, use the money to buy some hygiene products and nice clothing, and go look for a job you lousy waste of space.

reply to post by mattifikation


That is hilarious and spot on. But I think if I were a bum I would try to be considerate of others. There has to be a good way to do it, especially minus the cigarettes will do wonders for your "smell." But of course, perhaps the smell would ward off potential rapists on the streets. It really is a sad world we live in. Most of the beggars I've bothered with did not have the smell of alcohol on their breath. You actually can tell easily if they have been drinking or not if you get close enough to hear them out. It just goes along with the bad hygeine. The smell of alcohol stays on you even more, but obviously not as lingering as cigarettes.

I don't think being out of work is the problem, the problem is being a leech on society. That has to be distinguished one from the other. Being a wage slave does not make us better than anyone. I don't care if these people don't work, as long as they don't bother others. Welfare would not be a big deal if these people had to live off the bare minimums. It wouldn't be so costly, and it wouldn't be as appealing. Instead, they "improve" the program year by year, especially now. It's hard to turn down anything free.

But I totally get what your saying, and thought it was a great post.

Edit: And then again, the cost of living in our society continues to go up. In some counties around here, you can't even build a house unless it has a garage. It has to have a garage, that's ridiculous. To be a proper member of society you have to be in debt, in a house big enough for 20 people, usually 1-3 people in said house, and 3-4 vehicles. So it's no wonder we have to work so much. Our land, shelter, and transportation needs are miniscule in comparison to what the rules of society demands. So in a way, I can totally understand why someone would say, "Forget it."

[edit on 20-2-2010 by Novise]

[edit on 20-2-2010 by Novise]

Most in my area, utilize 'Signage'.

Be plightful, claim some sort of disability, and use keywords: Food, Gas, Clothing, Willing to Work.

Most make more than I do, and most likely have a day-time job.

It is pretty obvious none of you have had to fend for yourselves. Most of the advice given here is terribly unhelpful. I spent the last 7 years of my life homeless (age 15-22) completely 100% on my own. No help from parents or anything.

Ideas like the ones below are pretty fail.
signs/begging
"moving" to another city half the country away to get warmer climates
animals as pets with you
stowing away on transportation like trains
public assistance

Why:
1. Signs and begging MAY get you what you need, but they also bring alot of negative things like police, insults, and even worse violence from people who dont have anything better to do. Also, you shouldnt rely on others in this way. You wont ever get ahead. Been there, done that. Begging is no good.
2. Saving up and moving is stupid. If you could save up before you became homeless, a trip to a warmer climate is the least of your worries. Yeah it is warmer, but you are still just as screwed there and now with less money.
3. Animals eat, wander off, and get sick. They also hold you back from some social interactions such as going inside.
4. The people that generally ride trains are no joke. Also, the penalties for being caught are not worth the risk. As a last resort it beats hiking, but Even still walking is less dangerous.
5. Welfare, food stamps, insurance, and even jobs are hard to obtain and keep without a proper address. Making one up is also a crime in regards to some forms and assistance.

Now some real tips!

-Dry socks. Always have some. Trust me.
-Good shoes. Police/EMT/Security combat boots tend to be lightweight, cheap, and durable. Some walmarts sell a cheap version for less than 30 bucks. I got a good year out of them on average.
-Medical supplies. Locate,obtain,carry. From bandages to tylenol.
-Churches and other organizations like the Salvation Army tend to help. Just ask!
-Dumpsters behind grocery stores and restaurants. Food that has expired is thrown away if it isnt shipped back to the supplier for an exchange. Be wary of idiots intentionally dumping toxic material on food. They DO do this, but not always.
-Soup kitchens are all over the place. There is usually a rotation around town where one place does it each day of the week. Ask around when you locate a soup kitchen for the next days location.
-Never leave your supplies/stuff behind unless you know for SURE it is ok. I lost so much to theft or vandalism when I thought my stuff was safe.
-DRINK. WATER. Alot. Every day. Water is a key element to life and will help keep you healthier overall to a large degree. This one is literally crucial. Can also replace food for a small period of time. Read:temporary fix.
-Dress in layers. I wore two trench coats over a hooded sweatshirt on my top half. On the bottom I wore 1 pair of fleece pajama bottoms under jeans under military BDU pants.
-MILITARY SURPLUS!!! It is made to last. It is made to abuse. So do it. US military Battle Dress Uniforms (you know the camo outfits) are priceless when you are homeless! They are cheap, they last forever, they are stain and rip resistant (usually) and best of all, they DRY FAST! Being dry is awesome. You only really appreciate that when you have slept outside in the fall dripping wet.
-Books are important. Keep your sanity, pass the time, learn. Pick up books on first aid, survival, and most importantly, the local vegetation and wildlife. What to eat and where to look for it!
-Always have more than one way to start a fire. Matches and an alternative.
-A weapon. Not necessary, but a good idea for hunting or self defense.
-ALWAYS carry a dollar on you. In most states, police can hassle or arrest you for being a transient and one way to avoid this is to always carry a dollar. In doing so, you show that you can make a call or get a cup of coffee and that you are not homeless. It doesnt really make sense to me, but it is very important.
-If injured or sick, get help as soon as you can. Do not let a smaller or less serious situation grow out of control. Emergency rooms in the US cannot refuse to treat you even if you cannot pay. I always used it as a last resort.
-Always think ahead and plan your next move. You have the time, so there is no excuse.

[edit on 20-2-2010 by A-E-I-Owned-You]

Keep your feet dry!

Learn or get better at juggling anything and everything - I always give the juggling busker change - especially when he juggling random things like a hat a spud and one of his shoes

Network with the other down and outs - there are all sorts of people out there and information could save you from a kicking or worse - also they may know tricks of the trade.

Try very hard to stay presentable, an opportunity could be missed cos you look like crap and you stink to high heaven.

Stay away from drinking and drugs as much as possible - realise that if you are down that stuff will only mask the problems for a while... Also the people you tend to meet are of the unsavoury sort.

If you really cold and hungry, public urination in plain sight of a police officer will get you a cell for the night! (maybe I should not of typed that!... But then again it's a fairly harmless way to bring your self to the attention of the authorities - maybe if you are having substance abuse problems - hitting an officer is a no no!!!!).

I liked the post about making signs for specific things and not money - if I had the money I would really be more likely to buy someone a £3 day bus ticket than drop £1 in his hand.

A dog is the most loyal friend you can have - but it's a 2 way street.

Remember there are no rules in street fighting! Either walk away or win, loosing sucks.

Don't be the pikey that begs near the cash points on a weekend night in the nightclub areas - I can't count the number of times I've seen those guys take a kicking from drunk lads - Don't fool your self that because your in sight, or even on good terms with the door security that they will protect you - most of the time those guys never get involved - they are a deterrence and useful witness - little more.

errrm suppose that's it off the top of my head, I often think about this, but never really had to do much of it.

Originally posted by SaturnFX
4) Invest in paper and markers. Make signs not for money, but for things you need, like a blanket, or a 2 liter of coke...people tend to ignore pleas for money, but if you are asking for something specific, you will find you will get it in record time.

My sign would read 'Getting laid would really cheer me up!'

[edit on 20/2/2010 by Now_Then]

reply to post by A-E-I-Owned-You


I'm glad you know it all.

You are wrong about number 2. Many people have don it how I spoke about and live off the land as I said. About once a year they get rounded up and brought back into town and then some will just make the hike again.

Saving up a little cash to make the trip isn't as hard as you would think. Of course the reason making cash would be easy to me is also the reason I probably wont ever have this situation to worry about.

reply to post by Novise


Best set up for a beggar was the guy who held up a sign saying "Joke of the Day -$1" I normally just look away at panhandlers but at least this guy was offering something in return. Anyway I gave him the buck and he asked clean joke or dirty joke? I said dirty joke and this is what he had for me.

Q: How did the Catholic nun get pregnant?

A: She dressed up as an altar boy.

Maybe not worth a buck, but it probably was because I have remembered going on 10 years now.

reply to post by sligtlyskeptical


Exactly, there is/should be value in the exchange from giving money to a beggar. You should feel better about yourself and get some sort of lesson in return, even if it's a little joke (likely original though). Originality is a big deal in this. And yes you could not give any heed to that spirit of things, but you will leave a bad taste in people's mouths.

If you are a good beggar, you will stay true to this and always be respectful.

But you are exactly right, because it's not about the joke or the lesson was. It's just that the spirit of exchange in value is respected.

I don't know a lot about making it through the cold nights, surviving muggings, and deadly situation. But once the sun rises, and it's time to put on that positive face and clean up, that's what I know about. A lot of money can be made begging. Spend the rest of the time on something useful.

And of course, I would put begging above welfare. The beggar offers something in exchange, maybe it's more spiritual, but at least he gives you a smile. Anonymous welfare recipients usually you will never know them, when you see them they are trying to run you over in a SUV packed with 5 kids or being terribly rude in public. Oh the evils of feeling entitled!

Originally posted by whoshotJR
reply to post by A-E-I-Owned-You

 

I'm glad you know it all.

You are wrong about number 2. Many people have don it how I spoke about and live off the land as I said. About once a year they get rounded up and brought back into town and then some will just make the hike again.

Saving up a little cash to make the trip isn't as hard as you would think. Of course the reason making cash would be easy to me is also the reason I probably wont ever have this situation to worry about.

Even though I never said I did, it is good to get some recognition once in awhile!

Not wrong at all. It is not impossible to remain in colder climates and still thrive. It is less possible to save enough money to move somewhere. First of all, being homeless makes it hard to save money and second by moving you lose all if any of your connections.

Like I said, if you can save the money to move while homeless then you can surely think about getting a place to stay instead. Next time dont be so quick to call people out at being wrong when you have never been in the situation!

Originally posted by Now_Then


If you really cold and hungry, public urination in plain sight of a police officer will get you a cell for the night! (maybe I should not of typed that!... But then again it's a fairly harmless way to bring your self to the attention of the authorities - maybe if you are having substance abuse problems - hitting an officer is a no no!!!!).

Actually, public urination can also get you charged with indecent exposure, and you're risking getting put on a sex offender registry for stuff like that. If you really want a night in jail, I'd recommend going for disturbing the peace. Just make a big scene until the cops arrive, and don't actually hurt anyone.

Originally posted by mattifikation

Originally posted by Now_Then


If you really cold and hungry, public urination in plain sight of a police officer will get you a cell for the night! (maybe I should not of typed that!... But then again it's a fairly harmless way to bring your self to the attention of the authorities - maybe if you are having substance abuse problems - hitting an officer is a no no!!!!).

Actually, public urination can also get you charged with indecent exposure, and you're risking getting put on a sex offender registry for stuff like that. If you really want a night in jail, I'd recommend going for disturbing the peace. Just make a big scene until the cops arrive, and don't actually hurt anyone.

You can actually probably go to a police station and ask for a cell for the night and they'll give you one for free!

Where's the fun in that? Haha...

They weren't bums. They were very hard workers who were renunciants. A bum is someone who is lazy. Those masters were anything but lazy.

Originally posted by silent thunder

Originally posted by brygivrob
"Successful bum" is an oxymoron.

Jesus Christ and Guatama Buddha might beg to differ about the value of a life spent drifting with no posessions. Just sayin'.

If i was a bum, never been one so im being hypothetical and probably delving into an unrealistic fantasy full of daring adventures and mayhem. I would not live in a populated area, never!. You guys in America have it good with vast swathes of complete wilderness where you could live your whole life without seeing another soul.

Anyway, i would go to a library and use google earth to find one of those vast areas of wilderness. I would then rent a survival book that gives info on how to survive in a place that closely resembles the landscape and wilderness of said area(using google aswell to identify plants,animals,weather etc) I would then use this information to accumulate over the space of a few weeks/months the materials needed for long term survival. Raiding the bins of DIY stores..waiting until the end of garage sales and asking for bits and bobs for free that i could use. I would then hitchike to the closest possible road(that i marked using google earth/map) walk the rest of the way and live as a free man with all the bountiful pleasures that nature can offer me. I would build a cabin of course.

No im not joking, i think this condensed version of what i would do is perfectly achievable and would give you a better standard of life than residing in populated areas. Hell after a decade or so i could probably start my own business teaching others to live in the wilderness like myself.