Do I have a right to be upset and feel its MY business???

Originally posted by getreadyalready
reply to post by mblahnikluver

 

Well in that case, I think this is just a transition period, and you guys will work it out.

Here is a new tip: Try emailing him with your deepest feelings, and try keeping the phone conversations light and happy. Even if he is grouchy, just overcome it with kindness, and then email him, or write him letters with your deeper concerns. My ex-wife and I used to solve some pretty deep wounds that way. We could absolutely not communicate with one another in person sometimes, but when I set down privately and read her letters or emails, I was stricken with sadness and regret, and I would write back some pretty heartfelt stuff. I think we added several years to our marriage that way, and when we finally got divorced after 10 years, it was on good terms, and we still speak, and my new wife gets along with her very well!

This way, you can cherish the time on the phone or in person, and you can be a bright spot in his day, but you still get to communicate the stuff that bothers you, and he gets to address it when he has time to think and reflect a little.

Good Luck. These types of relationships are very hard.

I do email him my feelings but he says NOTHING! He is really bad at expressing his feelings. Its really funny and cute when he actually does, its usually out of nowhere. He is really bad at communication and he knows it. He has said he needs to work on it and he does and I dont bother him about it. He knows I am very expressive and vocal and I understand why he is the way he is, I just dont want him getting mad at me over her pissing him off.

Originally posted by gYvMessanger
To be honest it appears to me that he doesn't value your opinion enough to want you involved in the situation.

I would suggest if you want to continue the relationship that you define the boundaries of this area very carefully with him next time you are together.

It certainly is not your place to say anything to the mother of his child without talking to him, that asking for your relationship to end no matter how grown up you intend the conversation to be.

I disagree I believe if he doest say anything to her it is my place to say something since she is causing tension in our relationship. I am not going to be some doormat for anyone and if he wants to break up with me over sticking up for him and us then he isnt man enough for me. I want a man who will defend himself and the one he loves. I think he will say something when we talk about it in a few weeks when I go up and visit. He knows its pissing me off.

Originally posted by Jess_Undefined

Yes me too! I hate being shut out! I would rather work it out then and there. He is not like that..lol I dont like to argue or fight where he is use to that with her so he thinks I will be like that but he has fast realized I am not going to argue over stupid stuff. Its not worth it imo to argue.

His EX wife dont you mean anyways I really have no problem with her except the using of her son against my bf which is really up! That really pisses me off~ My bf is a great guy and doesnt deserve what she does to him out of spite. He said she wanted to meet me and have dinner so I feel better about her living there again. She told him she understands they way I feel and wants me to know she isnt there to get him back. I know that I just want to tell her to let up on my man! She has no idea how it affects us. I havent talked to him since Monday! She is evil I swear!

Originally posted by tribewilder
Now I agree with jess but I do have one thing for you to consider.

If he has had an argument with his ex, he probably wants to just forget about it.
By calling you right away, you would know something was up, and would just make him relive it all while the anger in him is still fresh.

I am in no way saying that this is what is happening, but it is something to think about.

[edit on 10/7/2009 by tribewilder]

When he argues with anyone I dont ask about it. I dont want to know because I know he will tell me later one when he has calmed down. I just want him to say "hey I am in a bad mood, I'll talk to you later" when I text him all day and he doesnt respond because he is in a bad mood. He USE to do this but now he isnt and its driving me insane. I tell him I am not able to read minds from FL and he has to let me know what is going on esp since if I was there I would already know! LOL! When we lived together here in FL I knew when something bothered him and I left him alone. He shuts down when he is upset or in a bad mood and I am usually the first he shuts out. He says he doesnt want to take it out on me so its easier to just not talk to me. This last time was the longest he didnt talk to me and with what she did I understand but I was still pissed, why do I have to suffer!

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Wow, It sounds like you are doing what should be done and any guy would be lucky to have a woman that feels that way.

If you are not bugging him for details right away and will be content just getting a message saying "in a bad mood, talk to you later", I can't see you are at fault in any way.

Which makes me glad is that I would tell you I disagree with you if I thought you were being unreasonable, even if it created friction between us.

I really can't think of any solution as you have made your feelings known and he is not responding to them.

It must be hard on you.
Keep your chin up girl, I am at a loss.

I guess I am just suspicious (maybe even a little paranoid, but with just cause!!) and I would like you to consider the other side of the dilemma.

Legally divorced, right? He has visitation rights of a stated time frame, correct? How often is he supposed to see his child per the divorce decree?
Why is the ex back in the same town as your bf again? Why is he talking to her so often in the first place?

He can arrange to pick the child up at another location besides where he will have to be confronted with her bullcorn. If she said he could not see his son all week, to me that "insinuates" they must see each other several times a week.

I don't want to put a bug in your ear for bad things, but girl, you know that women can be bad and up to no good, just to spite someone or just because they don't care about how anyone else feels.

You need to get to the bottom of what is going on with them. A surprise visit is always good. You said he doesn't let people talk down to him but he allows her to? That is just not so he can see his child. He has legal rights to see his child. He is allowing her to run the show--and they are not married anymore.

And yeah, tell her how you feel and what you think of her. It shouldn't make any difference to him, if it does--well, he is just not right. Men are after all you know, just men.

Please don't be offended, just want you to get tough, it's a hard world out there.

I agree with the above post. One of them, or both of them, are still in love. Sounds like she's trying subterfuge to get him back. Put your boot up her

People have given you a lot to think about and some really good advice... I just wanted to send good thoughts your way...

Oh, I feel your pain. I'm married to a man with TWO exes (and children with both) who live 5 minutes from us.

Anyways, it does bother me how he tells you it's none of your business when it is affecting your relationship. You're going to have to be the one to make a decision, though. It SUCKS having to pay for other people's experiences and actions. Unfortunately, this is always going to be the case when you're involved with someone who has an ex.

And I'm not passing judgment on anyone who lives that life- because I do, too. Just trying to share from my own observation because I've had to deal with it, too. Fortunately my husband has never told me it's none of my business (fortunate for him, that is ) but I HAVE gotten the short end of the stick in other senses on many occasions because both of his exes have placed a great strain on our marriage at certain points. One trying desperately to get back together with him and get me out of the picture and the other being a hopeless drunk, drug addict, and dead beat mom.

You're going to have to be the one to decide if it's worth it because exes who share a child with your significant other are never going to be out of the picture for good. Or to have a talk and really (I mean REALLY) level wit him.

[edit on 10/14/2009 by AshleyD]