Do I have a right to be upset and feel its MY business???

Ok I dont really like talking about my relationship but I feel I need some advice for a situation I have never been involved in before.

My bf has a son from his previous marriage and his ex use to live 2 hours away well now she lives back in the same town as my bf and I was not to thrilled about that to be honest but its his kids mother so I had to deal. I really dont have anything against her well maybe I do....Ok she is always doing things to purposely piss him off it seems and then he in turn takes it out on me and ignores me and I am left all the way here in FL (he's in AL) wondering what in the world I did when in the end I find out it had nothing to do with me. Its like in some weird reverse way he is punishing me the way she is punishing him when I havent done a thing!

Example....About two weeks ago I didnt hear from him for almost FOUR DAYS and I was getting a little upset and kind of annoyed. He did this once last year and I just got in my car and drove 8hrs to AL and showed up....Anyways...We hadnt argued or anything and honestly whenever we do argue its usually because he got off the phone with her and he is pissed from that. Anyways he finally called me and told me they had argued and she said he couldnt see his son all week as punishment! I swear she IS evil! So he gets all upset and down and in turn ignores me! I get pissed because I havent done anything and get upset when he doesnt respond to my messages all day and after four days I am left worried and wondering wtf is going on. Well this weekend I heard from him once and asked him if she pissed him off again because I hadnt heard from him...After the week before I left him alone since I knew what was going on but he told me it was none of my business and that it doesnt concern ME! He says she has nothing to do with me and I shouldnt be asking...Well I disagree and this is where I dont know what to do. Ever since she moved back she is pissing him off more..She always did before anyways, believe me I have heard them argue and she is just spiteful and nasty to him for no reason. I have never said anything to her and I have never met her either. She seems like a nice person but I do NOT Like how she treats my man. I believe it IS my business because her selfish attitude and belittling of my bf for no reason causes US to argue when it really has nothing to do with me. I get upset because he wont talk to me for days when she really pisses him off and WHY should I have to suffer? Why should our relationship suffer because she is an evil ex wife? I spoke to her one time on the phone and she said "I am sorry for bringing this drama into your home" well if you know you are doing it STOP! I mean so she knows what she is doing yet she does it anyways. My bf gets upset when I bring it up because he says I am being jealous and insecure when I am just showing concern because her actions cause problems for us. We never really argue about anything, it is usually about her and how she is always being so mean to him and I hate it. He doesnt deserve it but its like he only puts up with it because it's his kids mom. I mean if you knew him he is not usually one to let anyone talk to him like that but she can and gets away with it and it is driving me insane!
Do I have a right to be upset by her actions causing us tension?? Is this my business? I just dont know. I have never dated anyone with a kid and this is why! Nothing against kids I want my own but I dont want to deal with exes in ANY WAY. My bf is a great guy and she is always making him feel like nothing and she always has where I am the complete opposite and he has told me he is not use to someone like me...So what the hell am I supposed to do? I will be damn if I move there and she does this all the time. I will have to put my foot down but I dont want to lose him over it either. I know he would freak if I said something to her because she seems crazy enough to use his son against him over it if she didnt like what I had to say. I mean I am stuck and confused...I just dont know what to do anymore.
Anyone who has ever been in this situation please help! I dont want to lose the one guy I have ever trusted over his idiot walking stick with no soul ex wife's issues and drama.

I am so glad he doesnt come on here..lol Anyways thanks guys.

Ugh..
I despise women like that..sadly most of the "exs" fall into the category of spiteful biotch.
Honey, you have a sparkling personality, and I'd be putting your foot down and not putting up with any crap from him or her.
Long distance relations, I'll pass on commenting..I have poor judgment.
But there is no way that you should be the brunt of his anger.
I assume it takes it out on you because
A- if he takes it out on her, she punishes him by taking away visitation.
B- We always hurt most those we love.
Don't put up with it.
Stand up for yourself, and let him know it won't be tolerated, or he can kiss your butt goodbye because you deserve to be treated with respect, and he's not giving it to you.

Well beyond what she is doing, your boyfriend shouldn't shut you out because he's mad.. Especially for 4 days! My previous girlfriends would've lost their minds if I did that. You are right to be patient, but he has a responsibility to you only second to his child.

Now having said that, I am the same way. I just get non-communicative when I am angry. I assume most men are that way. However, he should still not leave you waiting. It isn't your fault his ex is a little nutty. I think daily communication is important to any relationship. Believe me, I was in a long distance one for years. It gets tough when you don't talk.

Anyway, other than that, you're stuck. You love the guy and he has an ex wife whom he has a kid with. She is automatically part of your relationship. I hate to say tough luck on that end, but that's what it is. He is part of your life, so she is.

The really tough part is the fact that you can't really stick your nose in it either, at least on her end, at risk of making it worse for your man and his son. I feel for ya there.

Anyway, this is a hard situation, but its still up to him to make sure he maintains strength for you. None of it is your fault, and if you're willing to deal with all that for him, he should pay you back with the respect of keeping you in the loop.

Tell him to man up. Life is what you make of it.

Originally posted by SantaClaus
Well beyond what she is doing, your boyfriend shouldn't shut you out because he's mad.. Especially for 4 days! My previous girlfriends would've lost their minds if I did that. You are right to be patient, but he has a responsibility to you only second to his child.

Now having said that, I am the same way. I just get non-communicative when I am angry. I assume most men are that way. However, he should still not leave you waiting. It isn't your fault his ex is a little nutty. I think daily communication is important to any relationship. Believe me, I was in a long distance one for years. It gets tough when you don't talk.

Anyway, other than that, you're stuck. You love the guy and he has an ex wife whom he has a kid with. She is automatically part of your relationship. I hate to say tough luck on that end, but that's what it is. He is part of your life, so she is.

The really tough part is the fact that you can't really stick your nose in it either, at least on her end, at risk of making it worse for your man and his son. I feel for ya there.

Anyway, this is a hard situation, but its still up to him to make sure he maintains strength for you. None of it is your fault, and if you're willing to deal with all that for him, he should pay you back with the respect of keeping you in the loop.

Tell him to man up. Life is what you make of it.

THANKS! I swear that is how I feel. Its just hard. I mean he has no idea how it affects me and how I just keep my mouth shut but lately I dont want to anymore. I respect that is his kids mom but she too should respect our relationship and not do this esp when she is aware of it.

Yeah four days made me go a little nuts the first time this happened. I mean I just showed up! I tell him DAILY that all I want is him to call. I see him every month if I am able to and its been hard and I have been faithful and loyal but I dont feel like I get any respect in return lately....Thanks for your reply!

reply to post by mblahnikluver


"Moreover, though this is so,
flowers fall when we cling to them,
and weeds only grow when we dislike them." Dōgen

reply to post by AccessDenied



He takes it out on me anytime she pisses him off. He doesnt see it this way but I do and have noticed the pattern. Its like he does to me what she is doing to him and why IDK!.

I have been very patient and very understanding but there is a point where one feels like a doormat and I am kind of getting annoyed by it. I am feeling left out in many ways being so far away. It really sux! I dont mind LD relationships at all if the person is able to talk! I dont want to talk all day every day but you know every other day or one time a day for a few mins would be nice.

When I ignore him he worries and starts to wonder what is wrong and I have told him I am not putting up with this forever. I love him I do, but damn what in the world!

Originally posted by schrodingers dog
reply to post by mblahnikluver

 

"Moreover, though this is so,
flowers fall when we cling to them,
and weeds only grow when we dislike them." Dōgen

WOW that makes perfect sense...and I didnt even know it was you! What happened to the cute dog in the red robe?!!?

Thanks

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Seriously, just give him a nice strong wake up call.

NOTE TO ALL WOMEN:
You are in charge. You know this.

You must love him to death, but making him acknowledge how much you've put up with this should give him a shock. We can be very unappreciative, but it only takes one kick in the :shk: to change our disposition. Be nice about it, but also confirm that this has to be dealt with or else.

I'm sure if you do it right here's how it will play out:
You talk to him firmly. He'll get a little peeved and stay quiet and tell you how this is all so hard for him. You'll end the conversation. He'll call you back 2 hours later absolutely apologetic and tell you he never thought of it this way and he needs to take care of business. Depending on the guy, give it up to 12 hours.

Haha. We're hard headed but women own us once we're caught up in a good relationship.

You probably don't want to hear my advice, but I almost always like your posts, so I'll give you my honest take from my "guy's" perspective.

I don't know how close your relationship is, and any type of distance makes things astronomically harder. When I have been in this situation before, I have always respected and tried my best to reward the women that were mature and gave me space, and were supportive whenever I called. I know us men often take advantage of a woman that is so understanding, but in the end, they usually win out!

4 days is really not a long time to be out of contact when you are in separate towns. If your history is multiple daily contacts, then 4 days seems like a lot, but in the grand scheme of things, it happens, and I don't think I would panic. I certainly would not want a woman to jump on the road and drive up to check on me, unless she thought I was suicidal or something.

If you want to influence the other relationship, your only real option is to be the bigger, better woman, and it is still a gamble! Hopefully he is a good man, and he will recognize your efforts, or at the very least, he will get jealous and insecure that you are handling it so nonchalantly. Either he will respect you immensely for trusting him, or he will wonder what you are doing, and he will drive down to see you.

As far as his moodiness, it is fine to point it out to him, and offer to let him off the phone quickly when he is obviously upset. Be a resource and a support system, but don't push the issues, or dig for more answers, or continually ask him what is wrong. Us guys don't deal with our emotions the same as you, and he will probably just get angry and point it at you or whoever is closest at the time. We usually regret it later, but women are sensitive, and something that we may say out of temporary frustration may hurt you more permanantly!

In the end, you should continue living your independent life, and let him know how much you care, but also that you are perfectly capable of living without him, and if he isn't going to appreciate you, that you are willing and capable of moving on. Don't spell it out for him, because that will sound confrontational, or mean, or callous, but act in that manner, and live in that manner, and his eyes will open pretty quickly! Hopefully? :bnghd:

reply to post by SantaClaus


Well usually when I put my foot down over something he does usually text or call me and say he is sorry and that he was just in a bad mood. I know this is how he is but I am getting tired of it at times. I love him and know that everyone has their own issues and ways of dealing, he just needs to NOT take it out on me. He shuts himself off from people when he is upset or down.

He use to tell me when something was wrong and I didnt bother him after that. Usually he would be fine in a day.. Its like he forgets to inform me now! I am his partner for heavens sake. Believe me I am the most understanding gf you could ever imagine. My ex tells me all the time how I am the most tolerant gf or woman he has ever seen. I dont believe in just dumping someone over the little things like this but it still bothers me. He is a good guy and his only problem is HER....grrrr she makes me want to just scream!!

Thanks Santa

Wow, thats harsh on you

Seriously, and I mean no offence at all.....he really needs to grow some balls. He shouldnt be taking it out on you.

This ex is a problem though, and as much as I hate to say it, she will always be around considering he's had a kid with her. I think you really need to sit down with him and let him know how you feel....if you can get him to listen that is.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


I'll duck out of the thread after this at risk of involving my opinion too much in your personal life.

Here's where I kind of empathize with the guy. When we "shut down" we justify it by thinking that we are saving you from the stress of hearing all his crap, but in reality, we just don't want anyone else's opinion on how to deal with our own feelings. Nothin' erks me more than people trying to help me when I'm mad.

Again, just acknowledge that and make sure to let him know you'll remind him of it next time he pulls that. That way, you won't seem like you're cornering him, and still working on a problem. We don't always realize our repeated mistakes unless they are pointed out each time.

reply to post by getreadyalready


Thanks

I have always been good with giving him his space and not bugging him and that is something he says he likes about me. We use to live together and see each other every day so when he left it was hard to go from daily to just month visits and not talking everyday. He understands as do I...He likes to do his own thing and that doesnt bother me at all I just dont want him taking his anger out on me when she makes him mad. I didnt do anything to deserve it and it just causes tension that doesnt need to be there. I feel like he thinks I am going to be like her and I am not. He has even said that I am the one person he is able to vent to even though sometimes he doesnt. I am always there for him and he loves the support I give him from so far away. I never put him down and I am highly supportive its just the ex wife getting in the way lately.

As for showing up he didnt mind, he said it showed I really cared and he wasnt use to that. I mean I drove 8hrs! I was worried and he totally understood.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
Wow, thats harsh on you

Seriously, and I mean no offence at all.....he really needs to grow some balls. He shouldnt be taking it out on you.

This ex is a problem though, and as much as I hate to say it, she will always be around considering he's had a kid with her. I think you really need to sit down with him and let him know how you feel....if you can get him to listen that is.

I agree and I told him when I am up there this month we will have to talk about this..She and I will more than likely meet at this time too and I want to say something to her in a nice adult manner. I dont want to argue with her I just want to let her know how her attitude towards his affects us. I mean she apologized before so she knows it causes a problem... I will see what happens when I get there..

Originally posted by SantaClaus
reply to post by mblahnikluver

 

I'll duck out of the thread after this at risk of involving my opinion too much in your personal life.

Here's where I kind of empathize with the guy. When we "shut down" we justify it by thinking that we are saving you from the stress of hearing all his crap, but in reality, we just don't want anyone else's opinion on how to deal with our own feelings. Nothin' erks me more than people trying to help me when I'm mad.

Again, just acknowledge that and make sure to let him know you'll remind him of it next time he pulls that. That way, you won't seem like you're cornering him, and still working on a problem. We don't always realize our repeated mistakes unless they are pointed out each time.

This is exactly how he thinks...lol He shuts down and doesnt want to talk to anyone esp me for some reason. He says he doesnt want to take it out on me so he has said in the past but sometimes he does and lately its a bit much but I have been understanding with all that has been going on. He knows I am here and I do give him his space.

Also I like your advice that is why I posted this thread. I needed guys to give me their opinion too!!

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Well in that case, I think this is just a transition period, and you guys will work it out.

Here is a new tip: Try emailing him with your deepest feelings, and try keeping the phone conversations light and happy. Even if he is grouchy, just overcome it with kindness, and then email him, or write him letters with your deeper concerns. My ex-wife and I used to solve some pretty deep wounds that way. We could absolutely not communicate with one another in person sometimes, but when I set down privately and read her letters or emails, I was stricken with sadness and regret, and I would write back some pretty heartfelt stuff. I think we added several years to our marriage that way, and when we finally got divorced after 10 years, it was on good terms, and we still speak, and my new wife gets along with her very well!

This way, you can cherish the time on the phone or in person, and you can be a bright spot in his day, but you still get to communicate the stuff that bothers you, and he gets to address it when he has time to think and reflect a little.

Good Luck. These types of relationships are very hard.

To be honest it appears to me that he doesn't value your opinion enough to want you involved in the situation.

I would suggest if you want to continue the relationship that you define the boundaries of this area very carefully with him next time you are together.

It certainly is not your place to say anything to the mother of his child without talking to him, that asking for your relationship to end no matter how grown up you intend the conversation to be.

Now that is just a sucky situation. I think the thing that would bother me the most is being shut out. Im a very "work things out on the spot" person, I cant stand conflict, and that must have been hard and annoying.

As for the wife, Santa is right, she's part of your life now. Hopefully you guys can sit down and talk one day about it. You, your boyfriend, and the wife.

And no matter how much I disliked my ex-husband, I would never use the child against him. That is so immature and only children act like that. She's a grown woman and that child has nothing to do with the arguments, that is so cruel.

I hope you work things out!

Now I agree with jess but I do have one thing for you to consider.

If he has had an argument with his ex, he probably wants to just forget about it.
By calling you right away, you would know something was up, and would just make him relive it all while the anger in him is still fresh.

I am in no way saying that this is what is happening, but it is something to think about.

[edit on 10/7/2009 by tribewilder]

Here's the perspective of a fortysomething chick who has been there, done that and got the T-shirt:
When I was in my twenties I was in a relationship similar to yours and I ended up breaking up with the guy after 2 years. I couldn't deal with his ex and the effect it had on our relationship long term. The animosity between my boyfriend at the time and his ex-wife became part of our relationship and after trying to discuss it/ fix it/ change it with no success I decided I couldn't live with that negativity and had to get out.

You're absolutely right to be upset but you do have to place some of the blame on your boyfriend for taking his issues with his ex out on you. If you live in separate states and don't get to see each other often he really should appreciate his time with you, even if it's only on the phone. Sure, everyone vents but only you can decide whether his ex is involved in your life more than you care to deal with. You guys need to have a real sit-down and talk about this, tell him you want your relationship to be a positive one and you feel that his problems with his ex are leeching too much negativity and drama into your relationship. Maybe your BF needs to have a conversation with the ex about using their kid as a pawn (god, I hate it when parents do that).

His ex sounds extremely manipulative but you shouldn't have to pay the price for that. He can have the craziest nightmare of an ex on the planet but ultimately he shouldn't make her personality YOUR problem. If they have some sort of custody agreement that the ex is breaking your BF should look into what he can do to resolve that.

Either way, good luck with everything - dating a guy with an irritating ex isn't easy but remember you deserve only the best.