Can I get some insight from the ladies, plz..

Sarah left me almost a year and a half ago and I've never been quite sure why. In fact it was the same night I told her. We were sitting down talking and she could tell I had something on my mind and I had for some time now. She asked me what it was and I man'd up and told her..

"I'm bi."

I hadn't told her at the beginning of the relationship because I didn't know, this was a more recent development/revelation I had had about myself.

She got angry at me, telling my that it wasn't funny and that she wasn't going to be used by a bastard like me. She left, I managed not to cry, I felt depressed, ashamed and insecure for months.

Why did she do that to me? Why was I burnt?
I figure maybe she thought I would leave her for someone else, a guy, which I would never do, or that perhaps she thought I was messing with her from the start. I've never been able to quite get it.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Welfhard]

Well, perhaps she was uncomfortable with your semi-homosexuality? I know being bisexual isn't being gay, but my personal opinion on sexuality in a relationship is that each partner is [partner]-sexual, get what I mean? Saying you're bisexual while in a happy (just assuming) relationship with her implies that you are looking around, especially if it wasn't known from the start. I know not everyone is ready or willing to marry who they are with at the moment, but she probably felt uncomfortable, maybe inadequate, like "not woman enough".

Did you two ever talk bout it?

reply to post by Welfhard

She probably misinterpreted what you were trying to tell her. She probably thought it meant she can't satisfy your needs. Or she may have thought you were going to break up with her and use that as a sort of excuse.

Not knowing much about the situation or the state of the relationship at the time, I can't really say what she was thinking. I'm probably as confused about women as you are. I am one, but I've never really understood my fellow females.

I can imagine she would take it as an insult, if you didn't start by telling her something like "I love you more than anything, I'm just sort of confused about myself." Without some sort of reassurance that you were happy with her, but concerned about yourself, I can imagine the conclusions she might jump to.

Open communication is difficult.

I'm sorry if she didn't give you time to explain yourself and verbalize how you're feeling. When we think about sexuality, we usually think about sex. So, I can imagine telling her you're bisexual would probably be interpreted as you wanting to have sex with someone else, or being unable to be satisfied by her.

Originally posted by eMachine
reply to post by Welfhard

 

She probably misinterpreted what you were trying to tell her. She probably thought it meant she can't satisfy your needs. Or she may have thought you were going to break up with her and use that as a sort of excuse.

Not knowing much about the situation or the state of the relationship at the time, I can't really say what she was thinking. I'm probably as confused about women as you are. I am one, but I've never really understood my fellow females.

I can imagine she would take it as an insult, if you didn't start by telling her something like "I love you more than anything, I'm just sort of confused about myself." Without some sort of reassurance that you were happy with her, but concerned about yourself, I can imagine the conclusions she might jump to.

Open communication is difficult.

I'm sorry if she didn't give you time to explain yourself and verbalize how you're feeling. When we think about sexuality, we usually think about sex. So, I can imagine telling her you're bisexual would probably be interpreted as you wanting to have sex with someone else, or being unable to be satisfied by her.

I agree with this

And by the way, Fiona Apple is lovely! Extrordinairy Machine is such a nice album, Im going to listen to it right away

reply to post by Alpha Furyan

Saying you're bisexual while in a happy (just assuming) relationship with her implies that you are looking around

In a way I was, but like if I see a good looking girl on the street it's difficult to control my eyes but that doesn't mean I want to separate and go off with whoever.

I know not everyone is ready or willing to marry who they are with at the moment, but she probably felt uncomfortable, maybe inadequate, like "not woman enough".

Bisexuality for me is that I can be satisfied by either, but I don't need both to be satisfied (although that would be heavenly).

Did you two ever talk bout it?

No, she completely shut me off. It was immediately clear that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I gave up trying after awhile.


reply to post by eMachine

I can imagine she would take it as an insult, if you didn't start by telling her something like "I love you more than anything, I'm just sort of confused about myself."

A) I'm very prudish with the word 'love' and she was a girlfriend of about 8 months.
B) I wasn't confused anymore, that was the point. I had gone through a period of self doubt and questioning. I had a hard enough time trying to accept it in the first place. I had hoped that she'd be accepting of me and what I viewed at the time to be an 'issue'.

I'm sorry if she didn't give you time to explain yourself and verbalize how you're feeling. When we think about sexuality, we usually think about sex. So, I can imagine telling her you're bisexual would probably be interpreted as you wanting to have sex with someone else, or being unable to be satisfied by her.

I think you may be right. At the time all I ultimately wanted was her, (although my unconscious mind was intent on enjoying fantasies).

I think that considering what I learnt about her emotional state, immediately breaking off with me, it's probably a good thing that I'm not in that relationship anymore. At the very least, it's given me opportunity to experiment and find out what I really want.

Originally posted by Welfhard
Why did she do that to me? Why was I burnt?
I figure maybe she thought I would leave her for someone else, a guy, which I would never do, or that perhaps she thought I was messing with her from the start. I've never been able to quite get it.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Welfhard]

Im not a girl....obviously

But I can see her predicament. You have to try and see it from her point of view to. Some people are quite happy to have a bisexual partner, while others cant handle it.

It would probably have been easier if you had known before wyou started going out with her....but saying it when you have been together for a long period of time is different. Im not saying its your fault, but you have to see it from her point of view too. I guess she's juts one of the people who cant handle having a bisexual partner

reply to post by OzWeatherman


I see that and I was aware at the time she may need some reassurance but I got no opportunity as if she didn't want any. I was hoping she'd embrace it, it have us a new common ground after all.

I've never been a philanderer, I've always been reasonably vanilla when it comes to sex - I've never been a deviant. There was no reason it needed to end.

Originally posted by Welfhard
reply to post by OzWeatherman

 

I see that and I was aware at the time she may need some reassurance but I got no opportunity as if she didn't want any. I was hoping she'd embrace it, it have us a new common ground after all.

I've never been a philanderer, I've always been reasonably vanilla when it comes to sex - I've never been a deviant. There was no reason it needed to end.

No, I can see your point

Im thinking that it made her feel insecure in a way, that only one in her situation could understand. Dont worry about those things she said....people tend to react badly when things such as this occur.

I hope you over it now anyway, its time to move on and find someone that is able to handle your sexual preferences....just make sure you tell them

reply to post by OzWeatherman

I hope you over it now anyway, its time to move on and find someone that is able to handle your sexual preferences....just make sure you tell them

I've moved on, am in a new relationship (yes, it's a guy) and I feel happy and fulfilled. I just heard about her today and it brought this stuff back up.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Welfhard]

Originally posted by Welfhard
reply to post by OzWeatherman

 

I hope you over it now anyway, its time to move on and find someone that is able to handle your sexual preferences....just make sure you tell them

I've moved on, am in a new relationship (yes, it's a guy) and I feel happy and fulfilled. I just heard about her today and it brought this stuff back up.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Welfhard]

Good for you

I hope you are both doing well, and i hope you ex is too

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
Good for you

I hope you are both doing well, and i hope you ex is too

We are, but I can't vouch for her, I dunno. I want to get the opinion of girls on this because I worry that any/many/some girls I try to get involved with in the future may also react negatively.

Basically I wanna know if this is generally unattractive to girls or not.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Welfhard]

reply to post by Welfhard


Personally I find it unattractive, because I have high standards and strict boundaries and definitions in certain areas of a relationship. But we most likely will not be in a relationship, so don't worry lol.

Some girls may love it, others not. You have to find someone you click with, especially in the area of sexuality, don't try to hide your true self for the sake of another. Just make your feelings and sexuality known from the beginning, so you can attract agreeable people.

reply to post by Alpha Furyan


I see. Well tbh I'm a little disappointed, considering that 120% of guys like girl-on-girl, I would have expected girls in general to like boy-on-boy, but I guess not. I've met more than a handful that liked it and a few that begged me and him to 'perform' for them.

But I suppose it takes all sorts and everyone is unique.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Welfhard]

Well,how I feel about your situation, that it is generally unattractive. Maybeyou were just having fantasies at that time in your relationship, but I am sure your girl also had immediate visions of you and another man having sex and it repulsed her. Then, you end up with a same sex partner and are happy and fulfilled. Don't you think she probably saw that coming ? Don't you think she has heard about you or seen you during this time? Not everyone is as accepting as others when it comes to mixing up the sexes, so to speak.

What I am a little confused on here is that you are bisexual, but being bisexual is not being homosexual, or gay as you put it? What is the difference? I am sincere, that doesn't make sense to me.

Good luck in your journey and I wish you well.

reply to post by catamaran

but I am sure your girl also had immediate visions of you and another man having sex and it repulsed her. Then, you end up with a same sex partner and are happy and fulfilled. Don't you think she probably saw that coming ? Don't you think she has heard about you or seen you during this time? Not everyone is as accepting as others when it comes to mixing up the sexes, so to speak.

But I didn't get with him till long after she shut me out. So it's not a reason that she ended it. I happen to be fulfilled now because I'm with someone who wouldn't freak out about something like that- although admittedly because he's the same.

I she had said to me that I had made her picture myself with another guy, I'd say "Boo hoo." I was there, vulnerable and scared, trying to accept a rather big thing about myself and instead of warm words of encouragement, a hug and a cupa-tea & a biscuit, I get scolded. As if it weren't trouble enough for me already.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but a relationship is typically strained between a gay/straight or bi/straight couple..

I dated a guy who was bi once, and I can tell you from experience that I wasn't very happy with it. Not that I didn't accept him as himself (I definitely did), but we simply didn't MESH with who we were and/or what we wanted in life..

So after a few months, I ended up leaving him too. It wasn't an easy decision -- because we were good friends -- but it was a decision that was best for me and my own soul.

What did it mean? We just weren't meant to be. We weren't in harmony with each other..

Believe me; there IS someone out there who you'd get along wonderfully with and who would even enjoy this part of you. Don't give up on that belief.. but try to accept that not every 'straight' person will jump on this wagon happily.

- Mea

reply to post by Veritas Lux Mea


How was he with it?

Originally posted by Welfhard
How was he with it?

The one guy I dated before? He was similar to you in these sense that he wasn't actually WITH another guy while we were dating, but I knew that was something he wanted in his life.

I am a very loyal person (intimately/friendship-wise/professionally), so the switching part was something that I couldn't handle. When I am devoted, its all the way! And I don't take such a commitment lightly in any regard.

It was something that I didn't want to deal with..

He is now with another woman and they're very happy together.

Bisexual women may prefer bisexual men as partners.. I just couldn't handle it..

Good luck with your partner! I wish you both happiness and fulfillment together!

- Mea

reply to post by Veritas Lux Mea

Bisexual women may prefer bisexual men as partners.. I just couldn't handle it..

Probably, bisexuality to me and the bf is a very attractive property in either sex, for better understanding and for leaving options open aswell.

Good luck with your partner! I wish you both happiness and fulfillment together!

cheers.

I am a very loyal person (intimately/friendship-wise/professionally), so the switching part was something that I couldn't handle. When I am devoted, its all the way! And I don't take such a commitment lightly in any regard.

I was devoted and loyal, I didn't want to be with anyone else at that time. but being attracted to a second gender doesn't mean I want to change anything, that I want to go and have gay sex with someone, it just means the unconscious, more primitive part of my brain which feeds me impulses is not concerned with just one gender.

And then there is being just plain picky.

[edit on 22-9-2009 by Welfhard]

Originally posted by Welfhard
Basically I wanna know if this is generally unattractive to girls or not.

I think the majority of straight women would probably find it unattractive, but I suppose it's hard to tell... not something that generally comes up in casual conversations among women.

Personally, if I were genuinely interested in a guy and learned he was bisexual, I don't think it would necessarily be a turn-off. Attraction is something deeper for me than just sexual, if that makes sense. The qualities that I find attractive are not gender-specific, and finding someone attractive doesn't mean I want to have sex with them.

I would imagine having a relationship with a bisexual man might be a bit more complicated. Trust could be a much bigger issue. Jealousy could be a problem. I know many women who are suspicious of their partner being around any other women and I don't think someone like that could cope with having a bisexual partner. Talk about constant paranoia. lol

It would also depend on the guy and his standards. My husband (who is definitely straight) is very picky about women. Like me, the qualities he finds attractive are not simply sexual. Often he will talk negatively about celebrity women who are commonly thought of as "hot". I have no suspicions about him cheating on me for this reason, so if he were bisexual I don't think I would be the least bit paranoid either.

Hmm... I suggest, if you do meet a woman in the future whom you are attracted to, see what she thinks about a film like "My Own Private Idaho". If she doesn't like the movie or she is disgusted by it, that could be an early warning for you. Just a thought. I love that movie.